i knew things were getting bad again
when the only thing i wanted to do
was sleep
but
i couldn’t go more than
a few hours
without waking up.

i laid in bed
wishing she was there next to me.
it’s still the same
six months later.
just now it’s after crying;
not smiling.

as the year closed
i thought of the memories
we had that year.
so
i took your bracelets
off my wrist
and slept.
i’m leaving you
in 2020.

i’d do anything for you
but would you do that for me too?

i used to think a definitive yes
but i’m not so sure anymore.

so i swallowed my thoughts
like bubblegum
& went back to just existing.

i crumble into my thoughts like
cookie monster is crushing my heart.
it’s painful
yet painless.

i’m sitting in a body
that i don’t know anymore.
i’m a crumbled cookie
in a monster’s hand.

“who do you wanna dance in the dark with?”
a question i read
on a tik tok i saw.

everyone was saying
significant others
or
past lovers
and even
celebrities.

and my response was;
“i just wanna dance in the dark
by myself,
i don’t need anyone else
to have a good time.”

and with that response
i figured i was over her.
because even yesterday
i would’ve said her.

society makes us all believe
that we are
not good enough.
but in reality;
everyone is good enough.
more than good enough.

especially you.

am i really getting over you?
or am i just trying
to act like i’m okay?
just to show you
that i can exist without you
but do you notice?
or care?
i already know the answer
is no.

you’re gone
but i think back and smile.
you might not be mine
but at least
i have the memories.

a person isn’t forever
but the memories are
forever
in my heart.

maybe everyone who’s in love
grows apart eventually
which is a sad truth
that anyone who is in it
doesn’t want to admit
even when they know
eventually
their time will come.

i gave you my hoodie during quarantine
we thought the distance was the hardest thing.
that hoodie has now lost your scent
that is really the hardest thing.

listening to love songs while being miles from you
i thought that was the hardest thing.
i am listening to those songs again
and that is the hardest thing.

wanting you by my side but you weren’t
i thought that was the hardest thing.
but when you’re really not even a text away
that really is the hardest thing.

all i wanted was a hug from you
i thought not having that was the hardest thing.
i currently only need a hug from you
not having one is really the hardest thing.

i’m falling down into a hole.
the way i cope is through words.
but when you can’t find the ones
to express the way you feel
you fall
deep
deep
& deeper
into that hole.

home is where you get comfortable.
you can be yourself
and do what you please.
you were always home to me.
but i got too comfortable
and now you’re gone.
i now have no place called home.

i wonder
if you still think about me.
i wonder
if you think about our first kiss.
i wonder
if you think about our first sleepover.
i wonder
if you think about us
and what we had,
and miss it
like i do.

“just come home”
i can’t
i don’t know where it is anymore
a place? a person?
i don’t know anymore
& it hurts not knowing.

at the change of a year
people say things like
“i haven’t seen you since last year”
which can be funny
but it’s never original.

and when i hear those words
i get to thinking.
i haven’t kissed you
or hugged you;
i haven’t heard your laugh
or seem your smile;
all since last year.

and it hurts
it’s as painful as when
aurora pricked her finger on the
spinning wheel.
but it’ll never happen again
which is why
it hurts so much.

it hurts to know she’s not mine
“but ani she lost you”
no
she didn’t lose me
nor did i
she’s still here
loving and supportive
just not mine no more

“it’s just medicine”
exactly my point.
but it will hurt me
that’s why i want it.
but it will hurt
not just me
but those who love me;
which feels like no one
but i know
there is someone.

sitting in the corner of your room
in a little ball
crying your heart out
at the change of a day
you forget how many people
you are lucky enough
to have around you.
and you can’t not forget
it just happens
while you overthink
every aspect of life.

we never went on a date to the movies;
i think it’s because we always said we were
main characters.
the love interests of a movie.

i now think back and
realise why we didn’t;
because a love like ours
was only made for movie screens.

new year’s eve
and i’m ready to leave you
in this year.

hopefully i will.
if not you will
hopefully only
hurt my mind & soul
for a little while longer.

promises.
they either mean
nothing or everything.
& for them to mean everything
is something so different,
that a lot of the time they
end up meaning nothing.

i see your name on my screen;
i hear your voice
or remember your face.
nothing happens to me.
stillness.
free.
a numbing sensation.
there’s no hatred
or love.
i think i’m getting over
you.

rosy freckled cheeks
and a smile i never thought would fade.
tears filled my eyes as you asked me the question
i was hoping to hear.
june 25th was that day.

seven words
that ended up promising forever and eternity.
i was scared that promise would break.
you promised me you didn’t break promises.
and i believed it.

and on december 7th
two promises were broken.
promises do get broken sometimes
but it just hurts to know
that this was one of them.

and it will hurt for a long time.

i watch the rain fall onto the charcoal road
drops hitting the tin roof
a euphoric sound.

i think back to the times i spent thinking of you.
a lot were associated with this weather forecast.

we had talked about romantic gestures
in the cold, dark streets of home.

and times when the sun shone
we had wanted the sky to cry.

but now they’re all lost
memories and thoughts
we will never go back to.

i woke up this morning.
and the first thing i thought of
wasn’t you not being mine.

it’s weird.
i feel free
like a bird.
changed
like a new person.
calm
like the ocean waves.

i’m letting go of you.

but that was my resolution;
and here we are,
three days from 21
and i’m almost over you.

i sit down in our spot
ready to cry to ribs;
our song.
that we were gonna play at our wedding
and we wanted to kiss to in the rain.
but there’s no rain.
it’s just tears on my face instead.
but it’s not from you
or anyone;
but the tiredness i have
just from existing.

scissors & knives
fill your place
salty tears
roll down your face.
you scream & shout
but nothing is heard
your red lips pout
as small as a bird.
you hide your pain
behind a grin
days are the same
patience is thin.
everything *****
wanna say bye
who gives a ****?
just going to cry.

it feels so nice
to see your name on my screen;
to know you’re there again
having a conversation with me.

i look up to the
crying sky,
thinking of you.

maybe that stillness i was feeling
when i thought i was over you
was just the stillness of
my heart.
because right now
it doesn’t feel like it’s beating.

the five w’s
haven’t stopped through my head
since the day you left.

who;
who is next for you?
who helped you see me differently?

what;
what did i do wrong?
what are we now?

when;
when did you fall out of love?
when did you start lying to yourself?

where;
where were you when you knew?
where were you when you told me?

and why;
why did you love me?
why did you promise me forever when you couldn’t?

the five w’s
are going to continue
through my mind
for a while longer.