why do i hope when all i know is disappointment
why do i live when all i feel is loss
why do i love when all i see is failure
why do i dream when all i sense is deterioration

you and i
(the liquid waltz of halcyon days)
overflowing infinity, cascading streams of endlessness
lavender breath on a summer morning
as all knowing as a prayer
our love rises the golden pillars of twilight
and illuminates the star tide blossoming
redbirds ride the wake
through the city of glassine
shining overtures to dawn
flawlessly inert
as in a newborn moment

I can organize my cuts and burns
by alphabetical order, day of the week, last year this year.
I can recite the reasons why I love them more than
any man, any shirttail brushing inside
my inner thigh:

they never leave. My blades never miss,
I never have to miss my blades when they leave.

I heard the story of a man who was murdered, his wife abused
and still he did not leave
he stayed like a scar
because he rose again the moment someone else
touched her skin, blew up as if full with gasoline.
I watched him fly above the city,
dropping death on those who already had their hands on it
wrung it out of beautiful men and women.

I want to do that so badly,
**** myself cell by cell, scrape the skin off
flake by flake. I want to
be dead but not know it yet. Sail in the air as ashes.