I've come to realize I love you back when I started feeling pain when you are talk to other girls or just when you ignore me. Why do it have to be this way? Aren't love supposed to bring me butterflies but I feel the other angle around.

I really like making you feel happy. I really do the whole time. And if it had to hurt me to make you happy, I've got nothing to do with it because all I wanted is to see you smile.

One thing I am always afraid of
Is if I am not living my life at its fullest
I mean I still do not know where I am supposed to go
I do not know what I should be
I do not have a vision of what I want
I do not feel anything that drives me to walk
And it is really alarming
And so sad

I don't fear trusting people, i fear ignorance. I fear disturbing others with my dramas because all people have something that cause them to worry. I know these can be just thoughts, but I hate it. I even remember the pain i felt when my classmate lied to me just not to share her paper, when my friend in third grade choses to sit next to my another classmate. You know? I fear that anyone may not be interested hearing me. I fear that they will not even say something towards me. I fear they will just still be disracted of other things rather than paying attention to what I said. I fear being misunderstood. I fear being judged as to why am I like this. It may be unserious to you, but its killing me. I know I still remember this two or three weeks from now. I can't just easily forget. I always say everything is fine. I can always fake a smile. Yes I always forgive. But the pain I felt every frustration just gets lethal. Its like I have a wound that never gets healed. I don't want this either. I always want to set myself free. Amputate envy. Stop every negativity cause I know I don't easily forget. Every pain reminds of another. One pain, then it all flashbacks like a kaleidoscope. Screaming to me.

Wish I could tell everything without crying. But no friends, I am fine. I'll justify this. Don't worry about me. Worry about every little thing in your lives. These were just thoughts.


I want to stop holding grudges. Help me I'm barely breathing.
Feb 29 2016 11:47

Dear self,
I wish I could make you feel better. The cruel world will always crush your ghost. Please get up. And fix yourself cause this person writing to you is trying her hardest.

Love,
Me

40/366 7:55 AM

Everyday you got me this feeling like I am your world so I must take care of myself because you dont want me hurt

Why do I always be the ones who say I love you first? I don't know, it makes me think that I love you more than you love me. Like I will make it hard to live without you but you can just be fine. I know I should not have these thoughts right now because you said you love me but I guess you did not love me enough to make me think like this. If it weren't this way truly, I must have felt that what I was overthinking is wrong. You are there no trouble sleeping, but my thoughts tend to keep me wide awake and it is alarming.

9 Oct 2015

Why do I feel excited about funeral messages? Like everyone would claim I'm the best of friend. Where everything about me becomes so beautiful that they regret taking me for granted. Remembering me as the sweetest person they could ever think of. The thing about those messages is that they forget all the flaws of a person and everything said were words of appreciation. Imagine if we give beautiful words to people. They may the worst situations but that can give ease and a little lift. A person who tries to get things figured out feeling alone. Someone that is so like me.


AppreciateWhilstOkay
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