Come and take a look behind the curtain.. peer under the surface to see things that are dark for certain.
Beneath the coat of smiles and jokes; is a dark abyss with the humanity being choked. Yes I tend to do things sometimes that seem like I'm not correct in the mind.
It's because I'm so lost and confused, sanity is so hard to find. I really think at times that I'm going crazy;
And that I'm losing my conscience, when tear jerker stories don't even phase me. It's crazy that at times I'll make myself cry; Just so no one can see how numb I am inside. Everyone seems to have an answer to my problems? 
Like they're my psychiatrist like they're Dr. Phil. "they can solve 'em."
Nobody knows the apocracies I've seen. The horrible terrible things that even I've dreamed. I don't say this to get pity or sympathy, I just want you to know, I just want somebody to see the true me.
To see my struggle to keep this world upright. To see my constant battle against my demons at night. To witness the crushing agony of defeat! When everything constantly falls to pieces around me.
To realize that at times I cling to the best things in my life. With a death-grip I fight for the things that make me smile.
Anything; just to numb the pain for awhile. Anything; just to make the world change for awhile.
Anything...just to give me some peace for awhile.
I know I'm an addict, there's no room for denial.Things seem better as I get higher and higher. The world seems so much farther beneath me. That it doesn't look right it seems almost surreal to me..
My head is my cell and this world is my Hell. But thank God for the 
chance of happy endings; Otherwise I wouldn't give it the chance to tell.
And while I'm spilling every thought in my head; I might as well spill some more until my creativity is dead. I want to say sorry to the people who put faith in me.
To the people who thought that this world would never break me.
To the people who hoped that I would do something better.
To all the people who I've disappointed...ever.
I'm not as strong as you think I am.
I'm not for sure if I have what it takes to be a woman.
I do what I can, but I can't fight who I am. I know I've messed up your plans, and folded my own hand. But you have to understand
I'm doing the best I can
I know I'm not making the greatest of sense; But try and read between the lines and you might understand it.. I can hear myself screaming internally. And why am I filled with such uncertainty?
It's burning me
From the inside out.. And one day it will **** me..there is no doubt
If I don't overcome it; if I don't move past it. I just wish I knew exactly how to go about it. I don't know what I mean by any of this..
I'm not even sure if this all even makes sense!
But it's raw, unscripted, and entirely free handed..
My life's a Boeing 747. I hope I can land it.

to the both of us
for how long it took me to let things go. 
and this is to the night that I stood alone. to the night I cried so hard, I couldn't breathe.
to the night I prayed for him to come back to me, and of course to the night 
where he never looked back. 
this is to the 8 months of my life when i was always so sad. to the 8 months of my life I'm never getting back. to the people I pushed away just to have you, looking back I wish I had a clue. I wish I had some type of sign of how empty handed you would leave me. then again all my warnings should've been you cheating. 
or maybe they were the nights where you would call me at 3 in the morning drunk off your ***. maybe then I should've realized you were the one that made me so sad. 
it's all so bittersweet when I replay the memories. because I always wonder how you could make me the happiest person yet the saddest all in one? I had no clue a person could do that to someone. 
but a month goes by and I'm not fine. there's so many nights where you cross my mind. 
multiple nights where I can't help but cry. I tell everyone I don't miss you but deep down I know it's a lie. but I will continue to tell them all, that you never cross my mind. these words will leave my mouth until the day I eventually believe it inside. 
it's been 10 months and I can't wrap my mind around everything that happened this time of last year. and what makes it even worse is I know that you don't care. I know that this doesn't bother you so why am I still here? why am I still writing all my silly thoughts. why can't I get over the fact that you are now something that we both know you're not; 
I don't know what's going on now, I've lost all sense and movement. who cares about who I left behind, the ending has been written. my dear, the book is closing and I'm afraid I might be withering.