I don't know what it is about it, two days ago I hated it now I love it and the best part is when I told my friends they all said I'm stupid and that they don't want to be my friends anymore so. ****. You. All. sometimes y'all can make me feel really ****** about myself and you don't have to try hard. Thanks.

I don't really know how to write and you know that. I know I am that ungrateful ****** ******* ******* ***** *** **** ******* horsefucker POS, but I want you to know that I haven't for a moment stopped loving you and I know you hate me and never want to hear from me again, but this feels necessary. I never meant I don't care... Your words no matter what you said was important to me they all stuck and mattered to me. At first I couldn't handle anything I relapsed and broke our promise. It wasn't until a week or two ago when I finally realized you are just doing what is better for you and that is all that is important. I think about you constantly but I have moved on. I got a girlfriend and this isn't some girl that ignores me or treats me like trash. She's amazing she listens and cares and talks to me and loves being around me...she's really you but here in VA. I also got a lift kit and bigger tires for my jeep. My dog was acting weird so I took him to the vet and his tumor is back but it's small so it's getting taken out. I have an idea of what I'm going to do with my life now...I am joining the national guard next year doing basic in the summer and then either going to vmi if we can afford it or I'm going strait into the service. I'm basically rambling now and I know this is a poetry site but poetry is just a form of expression and this is my way of expressing everything I've had to hide from everyone. I'm sad, happy, depressed, energetic, suicidal, and optimistic all at the same time it's great and terrible and at times I don't know what I like better but I know one thing and that is I hope you have an amazing rest of your life and live it to the fullest you're an amazing person and you will do amazing things in your life time. Never give up. Never let others dictate your life, there is only one person you are obligated to listen to and that is yourself so please never let yourself take yourself down because if you're gone all the stars are going to shine a bit less and all the beautiful things in the world won't be worth looking at because you aren't there to see them. I'm sorry for me. Enjoy the presents.

this was the first goodnight. i wrote that last bit for her, bt she was to tired to read it. i understand completely and its perfectly fine, but it still hurt... i cant really say i expected her to be all super upbeat about talking to me anyways so i feel like this was a long belated goodnight. She was asleep when i finished it, i should of just let her sleep, but no i had to wake her up i had to bother her like always. i know i annoy her a lot and that she probably didn't want to talk to me but, she was only doing it to be polite. I'm listening to stolen dance - Milky chance, its 4:37 am, i have to drive for 7 hours two the beach and I'm leaving in 3 hours. i haven't slept in 35 hours. i don't know how I'm going to do it. that had nothing to do with anything but i felt like that'd be something good to say. idk why I'm dumb. I'm useless. id be better off dead. i wish i never meet people that way i wouldn't get attached and i wouldn't get hurt when i mess things up. i hate myself. i wonder if i can make pancakes without waking anyone up. why the **** am i here? what is the meaning of life? 42!!!. shut the **** up. I'm tired of annoying people. what is the worst part about me? whats the best part? is there a good part? why can't i hide my emotions like everyone else? why is everyone so rude to each other? Why are ******, gay, stupid, ugly, ******* used in everyday vocabulary of teenagers and adults like how old do you have to be to understand that using word to spread hate is not going to get you anywhere in life and thats not okay.      I hate goodbyes. the main reason is because you never know if it is actually the last time you'll ever talk to or see that person again. the worst part about them i hate is what if you don't get to say goodbye what if you were die without saying goodbye. or how you never said goodbye you jus stopped talking to me and left me to wonder what i did to deserve it knowing completely that its because I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve to speak to someone as amazing as you. **** I'm hungry. I want Taco Bell right ow, id get a number 6 ( two steak chalupas a soft beef taco and a baja blast freeze)that order makes me happy. i like being happy, i don't know why i don't do it more often. maybe its because i cant look in the mirror without thinking there is nothing good about me. i like how i could **** myself knowing very well that people would miss me and people would cry at my funeral. I don't know how the **** i got here from goodbye. you said goodnight i said bye. you don't love me, i never stopped. I'm sorry i do i cant help it. we used to love each other, a lot, and i wish that never changed. i want this to be as long as possible but i also want this to be over. i will do my best to never do wrong by you, but you know that wont happen. in listening to Bad *** - kid ink, its 4:57 am. i need to sleep but i cant. i'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you you never deserved anything i ever.

First things first I'm at the beach. It's awesome, we're on a little island and it's all rich white people. Today me and my cousin walked barefoot through a marsh for 3 hours and I cut my toe and he sliced his foot open. We got chased by alligators and cops and I had fried alligator for dinner(it was great btw) and the best part of all of this is that the last girl that cheated on me is texting me and she is all for being friends yet she can't see why I'm not all into the idea of bffs after I found out she'd been ******* some German kid named Elmo. He's a ****** too, but hey I'm a super huge ******* anyways so it's expected. She keeps saying me and This girl will be a cute couple. How do I politely tell her to **** a fat one. It's midnight and she won't stop texting me *** does she want. She said something happened at a party the night after she met my parents.... Waiting to know what she says is kinda gut wrenching. She said she did it because the guy was nice to her... The **** (my farts smell like alligator

why is there a stereotype in which guys are supposed to be manly and girls are supposed to be girly, and before i get into that i must ask what does manly and girly even mean and why must we make them gender specific roles. Manly is supposed to describe someone who is strong and brave and built and ****, yet it is meant for guys only like why cant a girl be brave and strong and built. Girly is used to describe girls who are small and cute and makeup and pretty and quaint, yet it is only supposed to be used for girls, if a guy wants to be anything defined under that word is ridiculed for being different, but what in the **** do you think gives you the right to say that the way someone acts or dresses or looks makes them weird or an outcast, if a guy likes to wear dresses and make up that doesnt take away from his value as a human and if you say it does go **** yourself because i dont want your opinion here. And another thing. How The **** can you think for a second that someones ****** preference can make them less than human or even below you, because there are 7,000,000,000+ people in the world and if you think anyone is any more insignificant than you, you are literally to stupid to insult. i used to be a huge homophobe and was totally for gender roles, but ive realized my opinions were oppressing someones happiness and that is not okay. i hope that everyone can forgive me for my past self and warmly embrace my new me. have a great morning.

And before I say anything I just want to make it known that I am writing this because I just watched the movie gravity, but this Is about the sciency one not Sandra bullock breathing heavily for an hour and a half. Gravity is a concept that has been proven real and this all happend a long *** time ago. When exactly doesn't matter to me cause idgaf about exact info. But I'm not sure wether I like it or hate it. On one hand it keeps evrything here and in it's designated place and that's cool and all, but on the other side it stops me from looking up at the sky and jumping for the moon or just leaving the earth or even being able to dunk in basket ball. If there was no gravity I could just get my moon shoes on and jump around wherever I want to. I'd jump my *** all the way to Texas to see mel, but I can't because we have gravity. **** gravity. I want to see mel I want to hold her and cuddle with her and kiss her and make her feel like there isn't a single problem in the world when I'm holding her but I can't do that. I can't jump my *** to Texas In moon shoes because of ******* gravity...

Im depressed. Im lost while sailing in a sea of dark thoughts and my ship is filling up with water. shes not really paying attention to me which is okay cause its the begining of something that might last but it also might fail miserably sending me into a farther downward spiral into depression and comptenplating suicide but thats normal for me. im not tired in the sense of sleep, i am tired of hating myself and being hated on by every single person in the world even though you havent forgotten the little things but at the same time i feel like we dont know each other in the slightest. that makes me sad and i hope i dont say the wrong thing before i get the chance to know you again.

I'm still sitting here but this time I'm able to write I can say things that don't invoke emotion or lack of it. I can keep a decent convo and i am saying things that are well thought out and meaningful (I think), yet I can't get over the overwhelming cloud of depression hanging over my head. This is all I've wanted to happen for the past month+ yet I feel like it's wrong like it's some kind of weird taboo, we're FaceTiming now, I'm rambling this is bad. **** me. **** me to the lowest circle of hell. I think I'm going to write a lot tonight.

I can't write so don't expect something decent. Jeeps. If there is one thing in this world I couldn't live without, it would be my jeep. I have a 1998 jeep TJ with a 3.25" lift on 33x12.5x15 BF goodrichs, but that means nothing. The reason I couldn't live with out them is because when I'm driving it I'm free I can go just about anywhere at any time. For most people when the pavement ends, the road is over. For me the roads just getting fun. If I'm having a **** day or I'm feeling depressed I go out and go for a drive. Not one time have I ever been sad when I came back. My jeep cheers me up and allows me to be Independent and let's me let off steam. Nothing can ever replace the calming feelings I get when I drive and if you don't own one you will never know that feeling. In my opinion they are the very best vehicles on the road and as long as you treat them right they will kick *** for the rest of your life. And like I said when I opened I'm a shot writer but I'm just saying what I want to say and I don't need anyone telling me how to do it better because to me the words that come from my mind to the page are perfect in every way.

She said this is my last chance and that if i **** this up she is done with me, and I think those are reasonable terms. After all of the ******* I've put her through and all the hurt, tears, and heartbreak I am unsure why she is even playing with the idea of giving me another chance but she is and I'm going to give it my absolute best attempt at not being the natural born ****** POS who ***** at everything for a while so we can at least deal with all of our BS superficial problems and maybe get to things that are important like world problem and **** and maybe we can debate and have meaningful discussions like we used to when everything was ******* rainbows and butterflies and we were in love and it seemed like there were no problems in the world and that we'd be together forever and that we'd grow old and be happy even though we both knew that the chances of that actually happening were next to none yet we still went for it because of the hope of that small sliver of it actually working. I miss that old us, but i understand why reality set in and took us over because in the real world fairytale relationships don't exist. this is the real world and “You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.”

I just put new contacts in so it makes it look like i was crying but i swear its just the contacts. i don't even like crying anyways, and its not that its unmanly cause thats ******* ******* I've seen some of the toughest moherfuckers in the world break down and sob so if you say its not okay for guys to go **** yourself with a cactus because thats like saying its not okay to express feelings and emotions and i used to think that and i know how wrong i was. But besides all that crying *****. like really it is worse than stubbing your toe and splitting the toenail. id much rather be happy and smiling but hey life is life and i cant change how others react and that doesnt make sense im sorry. goodbye thanks to anyone who actually read this.

**** that blinking blue like you see when you're about to send a text because I just sat here staring at a conversation I was having with m.g and I couldn't think of anything to say because she hates me and wants nothing more than for me to just cease existing and I want to make her wish come true but I can't and that is a whole other world that I'll probably talk about some other time. But I'm just sitting there staring at the line and it's blinking and blinking and ******* blinking and every time it blinks I hate myself a little bit more and I get more and more frustrated because I can't say anything because I want to just explode and tell her how much I love her and want her and need her but I know that if I do she'll tell me to ******* and  I hate myself so much and I want to die but I want to live and I sent her two birthday presents a little plushy and a camera but I'm sure the second she sees it's from me she's going to throw it in the trash. She meant everything to me and I ruined it. I ******* hate that ******* blinking blue line.

First, If I'm outside losing my **** and you say you're going to do something. To help you don't just say I don't feel good anymore or I need to sleep or you're overreacting, I know I'm FUCJING overreacting that's why I need you for ***** sake. Second, I'd like to give a shoutout to the security guard who put **** in perspective for me tonight. Okay so there I was on the 5th floor, my rooms on the first floor so Yes I walked up 4 floors at 12:30, and as I'm up there stumbling around breaking down I hear a mans voice say hey bud what in gods name are you doing. And I tell him the truth I'm walking around cause i feel like **** I feel worthless and I just want stuff to be done. I don't know why or how I confided in him but that doesn't matter because I'll never see him again. He walked up to me and said look I'm here because someone called and said there's a teenage boy out here walking around by the ledge of the top of a building so I came out. And he said look if you're thinking of doing anything don't because all these people payed a lot of money to come here and if you were to happen to end up as a splat down there, it would be a hell of a vacation ruiner for them and I know that sounds bad but sometimes you just have to **** it up for other people cause if you can help others be happy it's worth it. Then he said goto bed and i went back to my room and my friend mel told me we can't be friends anymore. So I'm back out here cause **** those people if I want to jump and **** myself their happiness will have no effect on that and if I don't post by 12 tomorrow afternoon I did jump. So if this is goodnight all sleep tight and live your life the best you can. And to my family ******* for every insult and rude comment you've said to me and dad I guess I am just a big old ******* disappointment after all.

we're talking now and its just small talk with the occasional in depth conversation about actual serious topics and it i hate but at the same time i love it.

**** the word whatever its a terrible word. i hate it because people only say its whatever when things are wrong and i dont think people should sugar coat things, if something is wrong just say it, especially if its with me im always here to talk no matter who you are what youve done in your past i am here to talk if you ever need to talk. i am a huge hypocrite to this though. i always say its whatever to cover u being really disappointed, or sad about something. if every one just said what was wrong instead of trying to hide it, the world would be a much better place.

I mean what is the great thing anyway, an amazing friend told me, " it gets your mind off things." that may be true but those things that are getting pushed away by the business are just going to keep coming back and theyll never go away until i do something and i can only think of one thing that i can do and im afraid to o that so the things wont be going away any time soon. I guess it does give you temporary relief from something that can consume every ounce of your being jus by thinking. wow this made no sense at all im sorry. later alligators. ;)