**** the word whatever its a terrible word. i hate it because people only say its whatever when things are wrong and i dont think people should sugar coat things, if something is wrong just say it, especially if its with me im always here to talk no matter who you are what youve done in your past i am here to talk if you ever need to talk. i am a huge hypocrite to this though. i always say its whatever to cover u being really disappointed, or sad about something. if every one just said what was wrong instead of trying to hide it, the world would be a much better place.

Im depressed. Im lost while sailing in a sea of dark thoughts and my ship is filling up with water. shes not really paying attention to me which is okay cause its the begining of something that might last but it also might fail miserably sending me into a farther downward spiral into depression and comptenplating suicide but thats normal for me. im not tired in the sense of sleep, i am tired of hating myself and being hated on by every single person in the world even though you havent forgotten the little things but at the same time i feel like we dont know each other in the slightest. that makes me sad and i hope i dont say the wrong thing before i get the chance to know you again.

I just put new contacts in so it makes it look like i was crying but i swear its just the contacts. i don't even like crying anyways, and its not that its unmanly cause thats ******* ******* I've seen some of the toughest moherfuckers in the world break down and sob so if you say its not okay for guys to go **** yourself with a cactus because thats like saying its not okay to express feelings and emotions and i used to think that and i know how wrong i was. But besides all that crying *****. like really it is worse than stubbing your toe and splitting the toenail. id much rather be happy and smiling but hey life is life and i cant change how others react and that doesnt make sense im sorry. goodbye thanks to anyone who actually read this.

She said this is my last chance and that if i **** this up she is done with me, and I think those are reasonable terms. After all of the ******* I've put her through and all the hurt, tears, and heartbreak I am unsure why she is even playing with the idea of giving me another chance but she is and I'm going to give it my absolute best attempt at not being the natural born ****** POS who ***** at everything for a while so we can at least deal with all of our BS superficial problems and maybe get to things that are important like world problem and **** and maybe we can debate and have meaningful discussions like we used to when everything was ******* rainbows and butterflies and we were in love and it seemed like there were no problems in the world and that we'd be together forever and that we'd grow old and be happy even though we both knew that the chances of that actually happening were next to none yet we still went for it because of the hope of that small sliver of it actually working. I miss that old us, but i understand why reality set in and took us over because in the real world fairytale relationships don't exist. this is the real world and “You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.”

we're talking now and its just small talk with the occasional in depth conversation about actual serious topics and it i hate but at the same time i love it.

I'm still sitting here but this time I'm able to write I can say things that don't invoke emotion or lack of it. I can keep a decent convo and i am saying things that are well thought out and meaningful (I think), yet I can't get over the overwhelming cloud of depression hanging over my head. This is all I've wanted to happen for the past month+ yet I feel like it's wrong like it's some kind of weird taboo, we're FaceTiming now, I'm rambling this is bad. **** me. **** me to the lowest circle of hell. I think I'm going to write a lot tonight.

**** that blinking blue like you see when you're about to send a text because I just sat here staring at a conversation I was having with m.g and I couldn't think of anything to say because she hates me and wants nothing more than for me to just cease existing and I want to make her wish come true but I can't and that is a whole other world that I'll probably talk about some other time. But I'm just sitting there staring at the line and it's blinking and blinking and ******* blinking and every time it blinks I hate myself a little bit more and I get more and more frustrated because I can't say anything because I want to just explode and tell her how much I love her and want her and need her but I know that if I do she'll tell me to ******* and  I hate myself so much and I want to die but I want to live and I sent her two birthday presents a little plushy and a camera but I'm sure the second she sees it's from me she's going to throw it in the trash. She meant everything to me and I ruined it. I ******* hate that ******* blinking blue line.