Josian de Aqua: Poems

Tomorrow

Josian de Aqua Jun 2014

Tomorrow

I’ve written a lot of words about this love,
Written a song or two,
I gave everything and then some,
All for you,
Now I stand where I started
Back to square one,
I am not whole-hearted,
But when was I ever?
I thought I was made for you,
Now I don’t feel so clever,
In my own imperfect way,
I guess things are never what they seem,
I know now that it’s not okay to stay,

I was stubborn,
I dared to dream,
Of a love without sorrow,
Without angst,
Without tear-filled eyes,
Ah well, there is always tomorrow...

To My Old Friend

Josian de Aqua Jun 2014

To My Old Friend

Every now and then
I wonder where you are
If you are happy
And if you ever look up at the stars
The same ones that I looked to
When you broke our hearts,
A piece of yours
A piece of mine
Shattered into pieces
All the remnants now overgrown with vines

There is someone else now
We love each other so
But I’ll always carry a piece of you
You may not even know
How much of me you took with me
When you walked out that door

Another sleepless night
Spent attempting to remember your face
But this time no tears
I have someone that fills the void
The one you deepened so
A piece of him
A piece of me
They make a whole

To the Person Who Can’t Hear This

Josian de Aqua Sep 2015

To the Person Who Can’t Hear This

To the Person Who Can’t Hear This,

In my room, half-clothed, wondering where the **** to go. I look out the window to see a promising sunset, supposed to remind me that I made through another day. Another day that you’re not here. Everyone tells me that I’ve gone on to a better place as if I’ve passed on to another plane of existence, no longer in the same world as you. Was leaving you supposed to set me free or did it just bury me? The bulletproof glass of being too late is where I broke my bones trying not to be the unloved undead. It will….not…shatter…But I do. The crimson, metallic liquid pouring out of my wounds taking form as all the words that you ever said. While the enveloping venom is all that you didn’t. No matter how much I scream you see nothing as this glass is a two-way mirror. All you see when you look my way is how ******* good you that you look today. You know what they say: out of sight, out of mind. But no one ever told me about being out of your world and being driven out of my mind.

Uncertainly Love

Josian de Aqua Jun 2014

Uncertainly Love

Perfectly imperfect is what we are,
Our love as flawed as could be,
We argue,
We pout,
You know exactly how to get to me,
As I always attempt to figure you out

You could crush me in a second,
With just your words,
But just one kiss could make it all better,
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just too fragile,
Shattering me with just a word or two

I always imagined that I was so strong,
But you took that thought away,
In no time at all,
Now I have no choice,
But to do the only thing I know,
To hold my head up,
Standing tall

Unnatural

Josian de Aqua Jun 2014

Unnatural

Ever since I immersed from the womb,
I swam against the tide,
Never learning the easy way

People around me have always wondered,
‘What creature is this?’
‘Why does she stand alone?’

Sometimes my arms get tired,
And my legs grow weak,
The smooth sailing ships often stop,
With its jovial passengers,
Offering me a spot in their carefree crew,
To join them as they let the vast, mighty sea determine their destination,
Never having to give it a second thought,
But never do I give in

As they would dance jovially in their uniform way,
I would be off-beat,
Hearing my own song,
The one inside

I would much rather be alone,
Dancing through life the same as I always do,
Intrinsically.

Untitled

Josian de Aqua Jul 2014

Untitled

I just want to scream
    You don't listen
          I feel all alone out here
                And this is the day you choose to keep me at arms length
                       Hardly a coincidence
                          As is always seems to happen this way

                               Me,
                                   You know,
                                     The crazy one
                                       Is left to internally scream into the unknown
                                         Alone
                                              Under the daunting full moon
                                                     How can this be love?
                                                         This can't all be in my head
                                                             or the changing lunar tide


What is point of being with someone if you feel  and are alone at your lowest points, when you need them most?

Walls

Josian de Aqua Jun 2014

Walls

Afraid,
The strong one,
Hands on my hips,
Carrying everyones weight on my shoulders,
The rock,
The stone column,
But I disappear in a way,
Drowning amongst the needs of others,
Give me air,
Save,
Revive,
I saved you,
So who will be my hero?

Frightened,
I fear it,
the very same thing you say sets us free.
Afraid to be free?
No,
Afraid to let go
The walls have been built,
built strong and sturdy,
I sit,
Sit and look down at you,
Trying to learn how to be like you,
But alas,
I will never be.

Confused,,
I look down,
And there he is.
Who is he?
I wonder,
Ponder,
He must be,
Must be crazy,
He looks up,
No one has dared to do that before.

Go away,
Leave me be,
I am unlovable,
The fates have chosen for me,
Chosen for me a life of solitude.

Cursed,
All I have ever known is good bye,
For I am never allowed,
Allowed to speak those 3 holy words,
I,
Love,
You.

Because for one to truly love,
one must let go.

I fear that,
letting go.
Believing that if I did,
I would fall into tiny pieces,
Left to be trampled on,
no one to glue me back together,
Fix me,
Save me.

Uneasy,
He doesn’t leave the wall,
He sits,
Calls up,
Waits,
But for how long?
He is a fool,
I cannot be loved,
For my tender heart,
It cowers behind stone,
Impenetrable.

When You Accidentally Run Into Your Ex-Boyfriend on the Internet

Josian de Aqua May 2016

When You Accidentally Run Into Your Ex-Boyfriend on the Internet

Some things never change
You never have
Even after I'm long gone
You're still crying about how the next girl never understands
How the next one can't seem to appreciate that you're her man
Well excuse me while roll my eyes
Excuse me while I laugh at how you're never satisfied
Delusions, illusions, confusion
Whining that your kingdom made of sand melts whenever the tide comes in
That costume crown you wear must make you blind
I guess you didn't learn last time
Blindly demanding respect that you didn't earn
****, some little boys just never learn

Now if you ever read this you would say that I'm just bitter
But in all honesty, I feel like a winner.

Where's the Trap Door???

Josian de Aqua Jul 2014

Where's the Trap Door???

Let me out of here
Caught in this vicious cycle                                             I'm stuck in this loop
I cry                                                                                     I scream
I try to scare the monster away                                        Raging in the darkness
I tell it that I love it                                                             I tell it that I hate it
But it does not falter                                                           It only gets stronger
Maybe there's a trick to this                                             A simple slight of hand
Like a card trick                                                               Or a rabbit from a hat
                                      Where's the trap door?
                                       The show is over
                                       I want to go home

Wolf Heart

Josian de Aqua Jun 2014

Wolf Heart

Heart oh heart,
Foolish and misleading,
Here we are,
Again,
Pain welling up,
Body shaking,
We let someone in,
Now here we are

More nights,
Crying into silence,
Wanting no one to know,
To know that we allowed,
Allowed someone to get that close,
Close enough to hurt us,
To shatter us into a million pieces

I shall never listen to you again,
Only destined to be the lone wolf in the night,
Looking up at the moon,
Howling for the one I lost,
Praying to mend what is left of me
As the rest of me is now missing

— The End —