Forever crushing
Boot heel of the mind
Memory
Regret
Loss
And everything that is not
Forever poking
Prodding
Reminding
I forget all I need
I remember the pain
That which cuts
Which should be left lain
Wherever it fell
Move on
Grow up
Break down
Give up
Searching backwards
Jog on the spot
Throw in the towel
Through in the ******* lot
Burn it down
Raise it up
See it all
Make it stop
Get a grip
Get a life
Let it out
Court your strife
Wear it like steel
Bare it like honour
Defender
Creator
Reborn a goner
A creature
A dancer
A thing inside skin
Masquerade smiling
It’s a monster within
Charming
Witty
Smiling and kind
Inside it’s burning
Hate for your mind
A trembling a shaking  
It wants to get out
Patient
Calm
Opportunity will shout
Take it one time
Never again
Strike while it’s hot
Never amend

It is the shifting miasma of human existence

Against the billions stands a breaking resistance

Surrounded by you all but isolated

I reach out tendrils to be devastated

With every breath of trying hard

My efforts return tattered, marred

So stand alone and watch sun set

Its rays touch all without regret

But mine are dark and drawing back

I’ve looked I’ve seen and now retract

All I’ve given and given up

All I’ve seen but couldn’t touch

All I’ve known makes me confused

All I’ve built remains unused

All I could offer gathers dust

While my hearts armour turns to rust

I close like clams to keep my pearls

I’ll give them not to any girls

I’ll know no faces that could adore

I’ll seek no love, romance, amour

I’ll keep no friends within arms reach

I’ll invest no stock in human speech

No way to exchange, to understand

No way to complete this fractured land


I see you and you’ll see me

We’ll pass each other, think “Who could he be?”

But never stop to ask or know

Never hope to learn or grow

From one another we hear conflict

And back and forth we repulse and lift

That he is wrong and I am right

Only worsens the depth of human plight

I cannot teach

I cannot share

I’ve lost my desire to even care

I’ll leave you all

And let you to it

I’ll hideaway and watch forlorn

And when we’re gone no one to mourn

Not my petty private unknown pain

Nor the pain of all the world that falls like rain

It will all be over thrown and gone

Down the grave or into ash

What could be beautiful will come to pass

To see you smiling makes me sick
To see you happy makes me wish
I hope it ends for you
I hope it comes down in seas of tears
I hope you know pain and sadness
I hope you’re crushed by your years
I hope no one loves you
I hope you know loneliness
I hope one day you see yourself
See you how I see you
A worn out harlot
A **** who aged
A woman who changed me
Who made me rage
Who made me feel
Who brought me joy
Who left me sad
Who called me “boy”
Who drove me mad
I will never stop feeling you
But I know I am far from your mind
We were so unequal, so far apart
I was blind,  lost in my heart
It hurts me now to know you never loved me
And to know you never will

It has become the norm
Waking to all day disasters
These spell casters
Chasing these witches is my bad habit
I've got to play the numbers
Mathematics

Rolling dice on every contact
In seconds in love
Fall in, fall out, step back,
Go off the tracks
Rendezvous, recuperate
Ruminate, learn
Get ready to jump back in
Yet again get burned

Become the tempest
Abandon the ship
At one with the storm
You’ve no use for it
Lose it, leave it, let it all go
Don't ever be tortured
By what you can't know

Hurricane on the inside
And stone on the out
Twisting bellows the sounds
The screams and shouts
Furious anger, foaming hindsight
To look back and see neither was right

How I was like child
And you like a ghost
It's the idea of an equal
That I miss the most

Now I am not
In any good place
And I have no business
To dream of your face
Once I was something
Now I am less
A pale horse waiting
To be ridden by death

All this is building
To some consequence
All of this has failed
To make any sense
Mad and cursed and mad once more
I glorified your beauty
I ignored all your flaws

I am burning to forget
Dying to forgive
I want you to fall
Through my mind like a sieve
For you to be gone
Like you never happened
Instead all my peace
My comfort lays shattered

I can't even feel
What I felt like before
How we can damage
With words stab and gore
I need to stop moaning
Pick up off the floor
Build me back up
Let me become more

Reaching out slowly and steady
I take your face in my hands careful and gently
Your soft full cheeks against my palms
Your expression calm no sign of alarm

I lean forward eyes closed and peaceful
We’re face to face but eye lines unequal
Gently feel the surface of lips
Dark red running against finger tips

A tempest and tantrum a maelstrom erupts
Up rising through throat blackness from my guts
A shriek like dementia a howl like remorse  
My throat is bleeding with the effort of force

Still the scream comes and doesn’t desist
All I’ve had and lost all I’ve regretted and missed
Ragged and bruised my voice starts to shatter
Still your eyes are calm in the face of my clatter

Shaking at last the sound starts to waver
The ease of a whimper replaces hard labour
Your expression unchanged through all of my out-pour
Through memories remembered this screaming shall bore
Quoth the sadness “Forever more.”

I bury you in mountains I know I must climb
Still dreams of you left in the pits of my mind
Through the brambles and thorns of mania charge
I knew that this path was writ on my cards

You sent me out here, you sent me alone
Marching through night to build my new home
Wind pulls at my cloak and tugs me to east
Back there where I know my pain is a feast

I set my feet firm and dig them in sand
I know heading forward this West is my land
When they see me passing they’ll stutter and stare
“There goes a man whose mind I’d not dare”

All pretenses gone now I have arrived
In murky black pools my heart like a weight dives
In the inkiest drop off I see your face
Your hand is outstretched your eyes are like lace

The ice creeps up as I stare at your visage
So sweet and tender conflicts with my image
This pale face, this thing is a liar
From trying to hold you I must retire

Searching for you I sank to the bottom
Now I can see that I’ve been forgotten
What started out soft and could have been loving
Through recklessness, carelessness has turned into nothing

A nothing that swallows and fills me up
I choke out goodbye, I choke out good luck
I am dragged away up out of the pool
In black reflection I see only a fool

I leave him there in the water with you
I know heading West will pull me through
Through madness and madness and madness again
I know that this West is forever my pen

I’ll be the scribble, the wondering man
With heaving chest and shaking hands
In your room, in your bed I let that piece of me die
I’m heading through West where I leave you behind

It was through a wood of broken trees
Bleeding hearts pumped at me
I wandered through and did not care
Near the edge of forest I saw you there

Clothed only in beauty in a pool of red
I bit my fingers, by lust was led
Into your ***** and between your legs
I built an image inside my head

Desperate to love to be free of searching
I made me love you to quiet my yearning
My feelings sat quiet and filled me up
But pain came swift and abrupt

Inside my stomach you settled black
Cold dark woman how you attacked
With ease of conscience, with little thought
It was a hard earned lesson I was taught

I put my stock in my own lies
Told to myself was my demise
I never saw you I never knew
I built an image that was untrue

Out of the pool and into desert
I carried blackness heavy and desperate
I wept for you and for myself
Tried to put my feelings on a shelf

To lock them away and chain them up
To shield myself but without luck
From memory I cannot hide
I hear you see you in my mind

Now and then I feel regret
Blows like hammers in my bed
Waking me from dreams of you
I try to sleep in solitude

You hurt me woman, you hurt me bad
Now this pain is mine to hold and have
To pull along all the way
To my last breath to my last day

Roses are red
violets are blue
chimpanzees are cannibals
and I am too

I've never wrote poetry
so I'm not very good
please try to forgive me
I think that you should

I'll put in the effort
I'll give it a try
with others to learn from
I'm sure I'll get by

To channel a flow
to express through the pen
all that we've lost
will return once again

If you want to keep it
you must give it away
in your super ego
is where it will stay

To stir in your thoughts
to move in your heart
to satisfy worries
that tear us apart

To quiet your fears
and express my own
I know down in your soul
Is where I'll find home

I'll carry you
and you'll carry me
linked by our thoughts
through memory

Whoever goes first
in the other remains
long distant friend
written down on a page