Some nights
I
am just so
so so painfully
Aware
aware of the soft sounds
of snoring
the next room over
or
the pitter-
pitter-patter of
rain so sweet
on the roof
or
how painfully
empty
my bed is without
you here to
kiss me when I wake

Acid burns
Scar tissue in my throat
Blocks my air
I’m
Suffocating
Can’t breathe can’t
Can’t
Reflex kicks in and I gag
Walls press in
Everything fades gray
Everything fades away

satisfaction
slips away
between my fingers, it
I
watch it go
I reach out for you
but you’re
so
distance kills
too far to feel
too deep to heal
these wounds won’t
go away
left alone
wilting flowers in my
hands grasping
for when they first bloomed

Hollow thoughts rattle
around in my head
All the times
and all the people
and all
and all
and all of life as it was
and should be
and could?
But no
You are not who I thought
and love is not what you feel
when you hate yourself
but want another
When the world is quiet
save for the rattling
that never goes away

The sun casts its pallid light in the dew-damp air
Bringing no warmth to the buds that bend,
sagging under the weight
of too much oppressive moisture
Their skin glistens,
shining with the light of that
which chills them
No warmth in the dim light of dawn
Too early still to feel the heat of noon
The rosebud blooms as the bushes drown

“Of course, I slew the dragon great
     But first, ran him ‘round his cave”
     And so I say, expression grave
My audience rapt, the hour late
“’Twas nothing done by hand of fate
     And nor did help I crave”

I take a moment to look around
     All the bright young faces
     Had, of doubt, no traces
I forge on, none make a sound
My little tale would soon astound
     And put them in their places!

“The dragon, you see, had been quite bad.
     He snuck cookies all the time
     On the furniture, he did climb
Oh, he did make his mother mad!
But when she went to dear old dad
     He said he didn’t mind.”

“She didn’t quite know what to do
     And so she came to me
     (I was a friend of the family)
And asked for help long overdue
(I owed her a favor or two)
     So I really couldn’t disagree”

I paused to think the next part up.
     “And so I came, with sword in hand,
     Though using it wasn’t really planned.
I yelled ‘Where is this little pup?
Here I’ve come to rough him up!’
     (His mum laughing so hard, she could hardly stand)”

“He stepped out, quite afraid
     Said, ‘Please! I’ll be good!
     I’ll do everything I should’
I glared and sheathed my mighty blade
And said if his mom was not obeyed
     That I would be back, you bet I would!”

I grinned and spread my arms out wide
     One child raised his hand
     And said, “Now, that was grand…
But that dragon never died
And I don’t think you even tried
     To rid the giant lizard from this land.”

I blinked, then let out a laugh
     And said, “You’ve got me there
     But to this, I swear:
If you’re bad, I’ll grab my sword and staff
Set you straight, on your mother’s behalf!”
     But I know, not one was scared

I’m falling down the rabbit hole again
Descending further into my own guilt
Gone through the looking-glass of fear and pain
Shame living in a house that I have built
I wander, lost, and find a Queen of Red
Hands beautiful and fragile took my own
Now bent as claws, she wants to have my head
While guilt and blame both chill me to the bone
When roses red with blood begin to bloom
And jokers fill the deck with hate and lies
With tension thick, so neither leaves the room
Why — then, the teardrops sparkle in her eyes
     A heart that’s broken in the dead of night
     My head, a gift, to try to set it right