I guess you could call this a flashback
Maybe even a lament
Sleepless nights always drag out my inner demons in the subtle madness of complete silence
Then again my memories are always hazy until I reach that point
The point where I ripped off my angel wings and fell from cloud nine
I guess really it’s not a lament more an old broken duct tape together soul trying to teach those around him who are following a path he had drag himself out of
Their experiencing the release of powdered heave
Their loving the absolute embrace of pixie pills
Their caught in the web of grass that twists on the pearly gates
Their living what I already almost died trying
Like Icarus I flew too high and came crashing to the earth.
But at that point I was no longer living with angel wings
I was crawling around with devil feathers then
I was selling my soul to a needle filled with the most emulsifying and weight lifting crude toxin I could get a finger on
And like a weight I came crashing down one day awoken by a beggar merely happy to see me alive
I guess what I really mean to say is I’m tired of hearing that all these wonderful poisons aren’t addicting
You become like a bird hardly ever wanting to set foot on the ground
The grass in the clouds is gnarled and vindictive trapping you to it like a spider web
The angel dust like pixie dust lets you fly but confines you in thorns and splinters when you can’t
The sweet nectar of hand held doses may break your chains but only at the cost of a choke collar tied to the release itself
And when all these magic paradise inducing chemicals don’t work they turn to the most caustic vial venom the world can find
An injectable heaven that leaves them a dying husk of who they were.
So I was wrong it is a lament but at the same time its me trying to preach
I know I’m the ***** sweating in church
I know I’m the recovered addicted who never asked for help
I know I’m the happy supportive psychopath
Trust me when I say I know I’m weird one of a kind human being
So I beg of you to listen to my learned wisdom from playing on cloud nine
But you don’t
You won’t listen you think you know it all
But
You haven’t walked down the rabbit hole as far as I have
You haven’t played chess with the devil for the next flight to cloud nine
I know I seem like one big conundrum of hypocrisy
Preaching what I already did
But the reason I seem like that to some of you is simple
It’s because I’m preaching what you don’t want to hear
Now im not going to make you listen
Though you should
On those long sleepless nights when the sweet velvet like call of angel wings whisper to you please ignore them
I know it’s a brutal thing to deny what’s like heaven itself but please I beg you not to follow the mistakes I’ve made.
Don’t resort to other reliefs like another warm body or a bottle of fire water
Just keep strong
I have seen the pits of addiction
I’ve done many a things I will never forgive myself for
So from a ruined tattered soul like myself please heed my warning
The leaves of the tree of life only go so far
The dust of enlightenment is not permanent
And the magic pills won’t send you up the bean stock forever
Stop pretending to fly above the world and instead embrace those around you
Before you wind up like me scrambling to save a dying *****
While fighting to find your family and friends again
Leave the toxins, chemicals, and venom behind they only leave you to rot inside the shell you once called your mind.

Alone again
Another sleepless night
Alone like always
Not completely at least
My only friend sits in front of me
My last hope
It's cold metallic touch soothing
The taste of steel so calming
Squeeze never pull
And I'm gone
Just like that
Not a soul to remember
Not a person to miss me
I'm just another statistic now
I'm just another stain on society now

I've never had that crisp good nature
I never want to have it
I am no superman
I am a Brawn
Young
Powerful
Indestructible
Unstoppable
Stronger
***** your rules
Now i am free of you
***** your perfect mold
***** them all
Saving a cat
**** THAT
Why not a bank vault?
Save a few dollars from the government
The thrill of battle
The ecstasy of intoxicating cash
The sweet taste of challenge
Always stronger
I am not your hero
I'd just as soon rob you as save you
I'll save you only because
Without you I have no one to rob!
I am the Antihero
I am the perfect defender of man
**** or save i can do both
I am not perfect
A rampage is as effective as a ****** round
I am the hero in the shadows
I am Power
I am Freedom
I am Imperfect

Most people walk life happily
I can't find the comfort
I can't find that love
I can't find that happiness
I've only ever found sorrow
I've tried to end it
A razor
A  handful of pills
The bottom of bottles
A jump
For some reason I can't find peace
But I found something to hold on too
Others still searching for peace
I don't have much
But I what I have is here for all
I'm into here because others in pain
I won't say I was saved
I wasn't saved
I was helped out of a pit
Now I give that to others
This is my only thing to offer
Ill give what I have
Just ask
Message
Comment
Helps never far
There is always a reason
It's just hard to find

I am not always a vicious *******
I do not hold claim to normalcy
I am not tied down to rationality
I may not be you
I may never be
But I am not vicious
Normally I am not

But when I am provoked
When I am pushed and I do not catch myself
When the medicine is not locking me into place
When I have no care for control
I can be vicious
I will be vicious

I am not a mean person
I am not a brute
I am not always cynical
But when you are as vile as *****
I am as vicious as a snake

You embody the essence of vileness
You are caustic and corrosive
A cyanide to all around you
You are a cactus with cynical hate dripping from your spines
You are more vile than any villain

I am vicious when provoked
And you have provoked me

I though I was a villain
I guessed i was bad enough
I thought I had no happy ending
No I was just the bad guy then

Now now I am a villain
Now I have a happy ending
I just painted my sad ending black
I stand alone for all to see
They've never seen a war like me
Burning buildings
Breaking bones
Robbing banks
I don't care if I'm in heaven or hell anymore
No it's not over

It's only begun
No son of Sam can stop me
No ones seen a war like me
Come take a seat
Come watch me break through
Through all these norms
I'm breaking through in my war

I'm breaking flesh and bones
It's been sweet
Been fun
You can't own me
I'm a war
I'm no longer just the bad guy
I'm the villain
A **** happy villain

I can't stand the oppression
Never my choice
Never my decision
Never for my good
Enough you made me a monster
You gave me the thoughts
Now you want to medicate and leash me
Like a beast you created

No no NO
I am not your toy anymore
You call me a monster
No i am worse
It is time you met the monster

***** your pills
***** your rules
***** you and the family too

A ***** in the toilet and the clock begins
A deep resonance of hatred
You've beat me long enough
Come on then
Try again today
I am more than ready
Bring it
.
.
.
BRING IT!

To be silent is a gift
To be whole is a present
To be loved is happiness
To be happy is to be fulfilled

None reach my soul
Not like theirs
Destruction and misery a label
Desolation a crib
Sorrow a comfort
Solitude a blanket

A heart of ice
Cold and brittle
Worn by time
Broken by people

A single lament of pain
An angry glare
A goth outfit
A lackluster attitude
Whatever keeps the pain away

A lament in misery
A story of pain
A book of sorrow
A cold forgotten corpse

This lament is my knowledge
From one to another human
I have tasted sorrow
i have been beaten into a hospital
I have lost everything
I have survived
This lament is cold water
This lament is my message
This is my gift a lament of understanding and help
This is a hand to those in pain
This is my lament to help others
My one cold lament.

Running again as far and fast as possible
A little hiding place that no one knows about
Sitting down, standing, climbing, running
All the same this is the only place of escape
The last line of defense between life or death
Lying awake in a great escape
The pain goes away eventually
The darkness leaves slowly
The escape only last so long though
So finally going home just to go to the door later
The escape is all that is needed to survive for now
Escape while needed and run tomorrow

When  you drink
Who are you drinking for?
When you run
Who are you running from?
When you fight
Who are you fighting for?

I took the pills. I drank the water. I'm still here with the fire inside. It's pathetic how they try to change us. It's shallow how we follow like sheep. Inside no matter what we do theres still a fire burning inside. Light it up. Deal with devil that is yourself. Conquer that monster under your skin. Stop being a shell. Stop the medicine to keep it together. Stop drinking their poison. Drink for yourself. Run for yourself. Fight for yourself. Go to war and be who you are.

Everyday not a single emotion plays on this face.
No not even one.
The stern stare is not out of rage but protection.

Not for me.
For you.
The most dangerous demons are the ones we never see.
I am but the crazy football player.
And yet I am an onion.

Many see and experience me.
Few get close to my core
Even fewer get to the core.
On the outside I am rough and brutish
On the inside I am protective, honest, and caring.
At my core.
I am not human.

I feel no empathy.
Not even sympathy.
I am crazy.
No I am insane.
I am a monster.
Ripping, cutting, tearing, slashing are my dreams.

Everyone is my subject.
No one is safe.
So I keep that side of me locked away.
In a cage made of my hopes for myself.
My last and only line against it.
It's never ending rage.
My never ending rage.
So locked it will stay.

And only sorrow fills my bones.
A depression in my very essence.
A longing to be normal.
A desperate cry never heard lives in me.

I always feel this sorrow.
The rage ever steady in it.
The desperate need to cry.
The desperate need to mutilate.
My desperate need for help.

I have learned though.
Learned that others need help.
So I am there for them.
I help them.
Encourage them.
And even fall in love with a few.
But I cannot love.
I won't let myself.
So I smile at them.
Friends.
Loved ones.
Everyone.
It is all I can do.
No one should worry about me.
No one needs to worry about me.
I'm fine.
Perfectly fine.
A smile a day keeps the insanity at bay.
See my smile?

We've climbed this mountain
A mountain of homework and back stabber
We may not have climbed together for all of it
But we climbed together side by side now
All the people trying to tear us down or drag us off
But we won't let the other fall we keep each other on the path
We've climbed this mountain
We can see the end

But our enemies can see us
So near the top we threaten them
They take aim attempting to knock us off
Insults and snide remarks fly at us like bullets
Violence always creeping towards us a dog of war
We have been civil far to long to these brutes of failure
We strike back now
The harder they hit us the harder we hit back

The mountain of high school is almost over we're not falling now
Take aim my brother with your ****** rifle aimed at their deepest weakness
Locked and loaded to tear them apart in front of everyone
To rip their heart out for all to see
Don't worry I've got your back
My machine gun of cynical secrets gleaming for support.
They won't drag us down
They can't pull us back down
We're at the top and moving on from this high school warfare

The soft flesh of children in my teeth
Their soft whimper as they bleed out
The land full of life now a mere heath
Their lands now bleached by drought
I am the unholy spawn of hells wraith
I gorge on the heart of your one love
I am the true anti messiah of all faiths
I feast on the torn bits of dead doves
I am darkness the bringer of sorrows
I am anarchy the holder of madness
I ensure there is not ever a tomorrow
I cause all the sadistic tainted sadness
I am pain I hand tie all your slipknot
I add you the list just another naught

I am Renegade.
Have you heard of me?
I've heard of you
I've watched you
I've listened to you
You and your disgusting lies
You and your empty promises
Battalions of idiots follow you
Battalions of the hopeless follow you
You spit on the people
You **** in their needy hands
You hunt those who apose you
You don't hunt me.
You know why?
I'm your shadow
Always watching you
I lead the poor
I lead the sick
I lead the dieing and the ******
I am your opposition in the shadows
I am a rebel
I am a Renegade
We are rebels
We are Renegades
We smile as lies are leaked
We laugh at your stupidity
We watch and wait
I am the the idea nothing more
I am not the leader
I am not the army
I am not the weapon
I am the beginning
I am the father nurturing the child
I let it grow by itself
I am Renegade
I am the beginning of the end

I lived like the community
Hated it
Today I dance in my white straight jacket
I like think of what Ive done
I am not sick
I'm happily twisted
I like crossing the line
Maybe i like that I'm not alright
I can't lie
I like losing my mind
You alright?
I feel fine!
I like being crazy!
I like my gifted mind
I like being crazy!
I like losing my mind
I'm just crazy
I like that I'm not alright!

They told me be who you are
They told me you'll save the day
A photogenic superhero of the day
They told me I'd have a happy ending
They lied
I haven't gotten happiness
I've destroyed not saved
Photogenic desolation day in and out
They told me to be me
They didn't tell me I was wrong

I guess I'm the villain
They say only the heroes get happy endings
So I'm a villain than
The question used to be why can't i be good
Now, now its who can I drag down with me
Who wants to be a villain

As long as I'm a villain I'll be happily dragging the world down
I guess I'm the villain now
No  I  am  the  **villain

After it all I still hurt
After it ended i cried
I can't live without you
You can't live without me
When can I have you again?
I need you
The suspense has me in a slipknot at the gallows
I need you
I don't want to be part of loves body count
I want you to be with me
I need you
No one else
You
Forget family
Forget friends
I only need you
I only want you
No one else will fill the hole in my chest
No one but you
I need you
I need the only light in my life back
I need you back
I want you back
Please come back
I need you

Lets start a war
The only problem I don't know when it'll end
Step up
Don't call me out
Don't think you can run
It's just little old me
Remember?
It's time we end it
You pushed me one too many times
I'm here to settle it
Like it or not I'm here
Like it or not I'm here to settle it
The soft echo of claps
The haunting sounds of raspy breathing
The stench of sweat
Lets end it
My fist your face
Your face the floor
So this is how it ends
All the tears
all the blood
As your candle flickers out
You end

Do you know my name?
How about my Birthday?
What about my eye color?
My height?
My weight?
My mental conditions?
My deepest fear?
My regrets?
My darkest hour?

The answer is no. You know only little. I am me. I am who I am. Age is a variable meaningless. The real question is why? Why should I care? I love the old saying do whatever it takes. Goes so well with the pen is mightier than the sword. Which is right? In a society where we are at war constantly but push knowledge instead of violence who is right? The answer neither? Because no one is right. And no religion is right either. We're all messed up. Get over it. Get off your latter and come meet everyone. Look around everywhere you look someone's there different from the last. So tell me what's your issue? We all got one. Admit it. Type it. Write it. Yell it. Own it. We are who we are. I'm a psychopath. She's depressed. He's abused. She's a sociopath. They see things. We all have something wrong. Admit your issue. Realize who you are in depth. Welcome to the world. If you think you're perfect that's one of your problems. Lets hear it! Live it. Own it. Love it. Be happily crazy with yourself!

I haven't felt love
Not real love
Home is pit of sorrow and pain
School offers empty work
Work is a sacrifice for survival
A cheap girlfriend here and there
A decent one maybe two
No love but misery
Misery loves my company
This is my road
Long a hard
Love still hidden in the dark
Shine a light in the dark
Put your hand in the air
I'm not leaving you behind
I'm looking for you
Day and night
Let me show you
We belong
A kiss
A hug
A cuddle
Come my love
Let me show you i belong with you
All we want is love.
All i need is your love.

The eyes of beauty truly stare at me
Working magic on my old cold heart
Erasing all pain I’ve felt with true glee
Remodeling me into a beautiful part
Knowing my pain I walk hand in hand
Inside I feel pure true indefinable love
No one woman or girl can truly stand
God’s gift to my life a true bird, a dove
Greatness awaits our new future as two
Infinity and eternity is boundlessly short
Ripped torn pieces now she is my glue
Lonely never more we are one support

The sickly slice
The perfection maddening
The perfect spray
Erupting with beauty
Maddness pure and simple
The symmetry of crazy mind
My brothers anarchy and chaos
Simple Symmetry
Ran wildly across your body
More Symmetry
I need more
Don't leave just yet
You can't take the reapers hand
Not until im done
I won't let you
Slicing maddness
Entire limb loss
Goodbye old friend
May you rest in *pieces

No matter how many pills
No matter how strong
No matter the cocktail of meds
I can't seem to be who they want.

I can't be the ideal human
I can't be that model of society
I can't bring myself to swallow their rules
I can't stand up and swallow their pills any longer

I know what they want from me
I know how they want me
I know what everyone wants
Everyone but me

You know what its like
Depression dragging behind you all day
The psychopath in you screaming to gain reigns
The crazy illusions as schizophrenia settles in
The lack of anything as the sociopath wraps you in a blanket
The madness that you've grown to love
As it all slowly takes you your handed a cup with a pill

It is the cage to keep your mind as it is alive
It lets you step outside the hovel of your mind
And lock all those memories and screaming away
A new you

Is it really you anymore
Our reason is based upon who we've grown up as
Why can't we think how we were made too
Why are we to blame when we didn't raise ourselves

The key to your mind was and will never be the pills
The medicine is just a cage to mold you how they want us
The key to our happiness is and will always be ourselves
Its in all of our minds

That sickening depression do what relieves it
The psychopathic beast inside unleash it
The schizophrenic visions embrace them
The lack of humanity that blankets your mind
Let yourself do as your supposed

No one in this world can make you happy all the time
No one but ourselves
We are our own master of mind.
If reason doesn't suit you release it.
Madness is like a comforter when you wake up on a cold day
It will keep you happy and healthy

Accept the medicine if you want reality
If reality even with the cage isn't comfortable come with me
Dance in the madness of anarchy
Let your mind run free
Let yourself be who you were born to be

The sound again
No the lack of
You can't hear anything
You try snapping
Nothing.
Yelling full force
Nothing.
You know you're not deaf
The world around you returns to normal sound
But it isn't right the shadows
Their deeper almost pit like
The oddity of the day pushes you
Now in a cryptic room
Cobwebs and silence
Scattered bones catch the eyes
The sound leaves again
The shadows deepen
Sound still missing you hear a sound
A something a nothing
A scratching sound
They
Scamper
Crawl
Slither
Ooze
Lurch
into the room
The darkness now trivial
These beast
No not beasts creations
Imagination run wild
The monstrosities of sleep
The monsters of fear
Death shrinks away
God flinches away
Jesus prays for your swift demise
The devil pleads for your quick end
These are long forget nightmares
The monsters that haunt man
What lives under your bed
What little toys man actually is
These are the devourers
They follow you home
The live silently
Until you notice them
The monstrosities wait
Don't try
Run and never stop
They still watch you

Honestly have you seen someones eyes
so alive in vivid life
the fire is there
a soul burning in emotion.

Though some have lost their fire
into pain and sorrow they suffocate
no emotion to feed it
battle born to darkness.

My fire never died in this fight.
My fire exploded in ferocity.
My fire is life.
I will help light your fire.
I am a care taker and destroyer.
My fire is love and it heals or burns.

You ever felt that cold little tingle in the back of your head?
That sensation you get as chills run down your neck.
Your body itches to move.
To beat whatever's in your path.
Kick a kids head in.
Smash a pregnant woman's knees.
Rip the heart out of a man.
Something that draws the most violent actions out of you.
I have lived a long time with this feeling.
A ****** feeling.
Bloodlust.
Pure and simple.
I just need to hold on.
Keep from it another day.
Reality is cracking again.
Everything is blurring to red.
The screams are a symphony now.
I'm loving the smell.
Asensual copper smell.
Everyone I hate is gone now bits in the wind. Suffering in pieces.
I can't really face reality.
It's where everyone I've every loved has hurt me.
I can't stand the feeling.
I let the crack spread into a cobweb of breaks.
I'm giving it control.
I'm becoming nothing more than rage.
Boundless destructive untainted rage.
I will watch you bleed.

I've never been close to the holy father
He's never really been close to me either
We have a mutual kind of distance
Looking back i can see why honestly
I am no guardian angel or even angel
I am an undertaker of masses
I am the essence of genocide
I embody mindless ******
I am a Scarlett Angel
Bringing absolution
Bringing blood
I am here now
I am the end
A ****** one
An unmistakeable horror
I am not a fiend though
I am sent at the right time
To end the evil that plagues this world
I break backwards every one of the rapists joints
Like a horror story monster
I devour the mad scientist
I strangle the political dictator
I have no shape
I am here to end it all
I am the blood hound
I hunt evil
I am death
You will come kicking and screaming.

The world is my oyster
No its not
Ever oyster needs a shuck
Tell me where mine is?
Another pill
Another suppressant
No
No more pills
A sweet shot of adrenaline
The other me takes the wheel
My devil behind the wheel
My foot pressing the gas down
Another monster releasing
Bloodshot vision
Crimson craving beast

Cutting
Stabbing
Ripping
Tearing
Maiming
Beating
Twisting
Biting

My my just can't lie
Its the love of the chase that created this high
My my I need a shot again
Sweet adrenaline

The distant clop of war horses echo
The chainmails heavy like a burden
Wetting the lips like a starved gecko
The battle was like that  of Verduns
My figure now stained crimson red
My mind now haunted by dark idea
To concur we made many men dead
My truth of now existences as Gaea
Mother of all time and the titan king
Destroyer of all in ridged cold combat
The steady deep echoes of armor dings
Now its time to hang the old battle bat
Peace now constant for the new age
Time leaving a new fresh blank page

Take another look?
Look again?
Look for something?
Anything.
Look inside again?
Look deeper?
Search for a memory?
Something.

Then start walking. The first step is the one you need. The second maybe daunting. But then you're walking. Where is up to you. Something is calling you. Someone maybe. Follow it. Find the price and pay it. Medicine. Therapy. Friends. Family. Whatever gets it done. We'll be here tomorrow to toast to you. We're always around. Tomorrows worth whatever price you paid to get there.

I've been a mat
I've been walked on.
I've been a door ****
Everyone got a turn to use me.
I held onto the light in my  life you held

But now I tell the darkness I'm coming home.
The fire in my soul like a bomb about to blow.
The nuclear reactor of everything I've stored inside is going critical.
I can feel the crack in my poor cracking sanity expanding.

I'm breaking the spell
I'm releasing a breathe of subservient pain
And breathing in the deadly air of change

How's it feel to have my foot on your throat?
Come now don't turn purple so easily!
Say goodbye to all the world.
Tonight's your funeral party!
You see I've died on the inside,
Or really I'm finally alive!
Don't act so surprised,
You made me a victim,
And now
Well now
I'm you
No I'm better
I'm a villain

When looking for love leave no stone unturned
When fighting for what you want be an animal viscous and strong
When all the odds are against you keep at it
When looking for love don't forget sometimes it finds you

While you're searching don't forget to stop and looking around it maybe right next to you
When fighting for love make sure you're happy
When the odds are against you make sure the odds aren't trying to help you
When looking for love time is the best healer and tool

Time does not mean wait on them
That's not love
That's lust
Love isn't one persons job it's boths job
Love can't be a princess waiting on a knight
Sometimes that knight just snuck by the dragon so it'll fight their demons

Meet them halfway and see what real love is
Meet them in battle and help each other win
Meet them in hell and climb out side by side
Meet them in happiness and find happiness

When searching for love you must try
You must be able to walk fight and trust them
When searching for love search for a companion not a lover