These are the stages of worship

I pray for sleep
So that it might be tomorrow again
As long as there is a tomorrow
I can have a second chance at not ******* up so badly

Time machines are for those who
Don’t fully understand the paradox of change
I don’t want things to change
I just want a chance to make myself better

There is a vertical scar in the center of my chest
From bad biology
And an awkward urge to live
With just enough texture
That it could be the butterfly key
To a wind-up toy
Its slow revolution
Counts down my heartache till it stops

I accept
That we are inherently selfish
It is okay to be selfish
If we weren’t
we wouldn’t be here

I accept
That we are characterized by an innate
Ability to be inconsistent

I accept you
Perfectly

But I don’t want forgiveness
I know I drink too much
But when I drink I can feel
Without having to think

I know
You might not forgive me
For everything

Don’t

Just trust that my heart
And the heart of whoever made me
Is off somewhere where the right place might be
Wishing good intentions
Until my heart bursts

I know I am not perfect
I don’t want to be
But I know that somewhere along the line
At least
I was meant to be

I am an earthquake

In the desert

Working the rough sand to settle

In my belly

So that the ache in the pit of my gut

Might lose its shape

These shoulder blades feel like wings sometimes

Too bad these hands are prehensile

Not feathered or webbed

Just full of chemo-quake

And tremble

Unless I can hold your hand

Hold my hand

I’ll reverberate your ***** soul to settle

Till we’ve shaken the dust a firmament

Big enough to stand on

I need redemption enough

That stuck in the filter of my cleansing

Is enough dirt to build a hill to stand on

Forget heaven

When I can stand on the land of my past mistakes

And revel in the beauty I left behind

Don’t get left behind

And don’t go to heaven

Just stay with me in the middle

Where I have managed to compact this broken to solid

Like a ghost in a landfill

Haunt these hollow halls of filth with me

Until ***** is all that’s left

***** is all that is left

I understand that you might want to bathe sometimes

Not everyone can live like I do

Not everyone shares my infatuation

With broken things like I do

Let me get you just a little *****

Let me break you too

Let me recycle our fuckery

Till the filaments fit

I am a “found” artist

Making the broken beautiful

What everyone keeps forgetting

Is that even we are recyclable

And there isn’t anything that cannot be rebuilt

So let me make a new heaven

So that I can be like a ghost

Haunting a landfill

I want to go back
To when I was a child
And I didn’t know what it meant
To be self conscious

When beautiful was synonymous
To how nice a person was to you

When I used to fit in the smallest of places
Like in the cupboard under the kitchen sink

I never imagined it was anything other than
Underneath the kitchen sink

But I felt safe there
During bouts of my father’s fury

Like a mouse in a jar
When the dog’s tongue could still lick its cheek
Close enough to understand
The severity of teeth

In my living room
there is a hole in the floor
From a house fire
Just big enough for me to fit into
If I took the shape of a ball

I know I could never fill the hole in your chest

But my heart
Is a bomb shelter
Big enough for the both of us

And if beauty really can be synonymous with nice
Then call me gorgeous
‘Cause it’s all I got

No

Call me, Gorgeous
Why don’t you
You should have me on speed dial by now

I mean
I can bullet proof vest your lonely
And if you tell me I am handsome
I’ll probably fall in love with you

I mean
I am too awkward and lunky to fit anywhere nowadays
Other than a hole in a floor
When cigarette ash crop circled my fears back to life
And I realized that being a man means

Really

You have no place to hide

Unless

It’s in a bomb shelter
I built in the back of my heart

Probably

We could be safe there

The grain of salt I mistook you for
Still tasted bitter on my pallet

Forget that when
We buckled
We never broke
Just bent

Like the tense end of a ruler
Like childhood daring
Teasing the ends to touch
Before the snap
Sent you home for being disobedient

You sent me home
So many times
I got the path back memorized
The same way Ice skaters know
When to move

There is a special kind of cursive
Etched in the dusty back roads
Of my misbehavior

Spells out
Perfect
sometimes

Spells out
Forgive me

Spells out
Last ditch effort to make you like me

I barely know where I am going

Barely know where I've been

Just got this itch to move

I guess

If I were blind
I could still appreciate the topography
Of your smile

Forgive my trembling hands
They do that sometimes

Forgive me for standing too close
For too long

Just that I could’ve sworn
Your halo felt like handcuffs
And I’d like to get stuck in there

I mean
I’d pillar of salt your gaze
To season the earth you walk on
Forget that I’ll **** the plant life if I do that

You’re not a biology major

And I don’t care if I destroy the flowers

This is California

The desert part

I’m takin’ something down with me

I mean
This poetry is its own reward
Even if you never know

I mean
I got laughter on remote control
And I worry that I’ll wear your buttons down

Funny bones aint so funny when they break

I mean
I could love you if you let me
And you are more than welcome to break my heart

I mean
I am just so tired of writing love poetry

Turns out
I am a man sized
Inappropriate
Bad idea machine
And I wish I had someone to blame

Like you maybe

I’d like to cause and affect your beauty
How I drink to stop my stutter
But only when I see you do I stutter

Is that beer on my breath
Beautiful woman?
Or is it the burning smell
Of leftover courage

I found it in a cup
Cost me five dollars

I mean

Chivalry is not dead
He and I just got lost in translation

How I still think it’s cute
To drunk text
Or type

Or

I mean I am drunk right now
Writing this
A six pack alone
And still
I can see you in the fog
Of my memories movies
Just as clearly sober
And just as hauntingly beautiful

Probably I shouldn’t tell you that
But phone in hand
I say

What’s up?

I’m drunk again.

Goodnight.

I mean
Not even fake courage
Could settle obnoxiousness enough
To be truthful

So in permanent marker
On my bathroom mirror
I remind myself

“You are an *******”
Turns out
I’m an *******

“I don’t believe in love”
He said
“There’s just this
Sycophantic idea with forever
And that somehow our passion
Could last exactly that long”

I think about you
And I almost believe him
But I know
I can love you forever

I am too good at bear hugs
And am fully flexible
When it comes to Kama Sutra napping
I can hold you in slumber
From any angle

I know there are days
Where I fall so far apart
The slow drag of my soul
Along the ground
Pieces me back together a little *****

I am a little *****
Especially when it comes to my mouth
I say things sometimes
That surprise the disgusting

I hope you like ***** talk

And I hope you can be patient
Forever is a long time to love somebody

I mean
Centuries from now
After my soul has doubled back
On it’s ***** self
So many times I come back as just a flower
I will still try and smell nice for you

And I will try and stay alive in
Whatever *** you drown me in
For as long as I can

I mean
I can’t live forever
But as long as I do
I am fully capable
Of loving you