Jon Tobias

Jon Tobias Jul 2011

What the Child in Me is Begging Me to Tell You

If I ever did anything

To make you stop wanting to be my friend

I’m sorry

Jon Tobias Jul 2011

She told me it was endearing

The way I move my hands

Never mind that I was drunk

Again

Never mind that if hands could stutter

Mine were half loaded cannons

Threatening to hit anyone who got too close

So I showed her the sign for

“I love you”

And

“Beautiful”

And because it’s my favorite

“Dream”

With her back to my chest I told her a story with my hands and her body

She told me that she never realized hands could say so much

Forget that they feel like zippers sometimes

The way they clasp into love

Forget about the days

When fists were held in the air

You acted surprised when so many people looked like superman and solidarity

Forget that mine tremble with no sign of stopping

From the chemo

And the fear that anyone I love will someday leave me

When we hold hands you can feel it

And I’m always asked if I’m cold

I show her the sign for

“Butterfly”

And

“Stubborn”

And explain my second favorite sign is

“Believe”

Because you’re really telling people that you are married to your thoughts

I jokingly sign

“Marry”

And

“Heartache”

But I tell her it means that I am trying to keep my heart trapped in my body

Like it might try and escape

These hands

They will bake you a cake on your birthday

And they will rub your shoulders when you need to relax

They will squeeze you like they were trying to remember what you feel like

These hands

They can do so much

Jon Tobias Jul 2011

Such a Nice Young Boy

Her bones sound like the shaky clink of a glass teacup

On a glass plate

And she’s trying to keep it all steady

Her eyes are blue and huge inside her glasses which

I hope make me look as larger than life as she pretends I am

As I pretend to be

Even though it’s against protocol

I hold her hand as we walk through the aisles

And it feels like that one time paper became human

And asked you to pretend it was

Just long enough to know what love felt like

I wanted to tell her I love her

“You’re so sweet,” she said

“So handsome”

“Such a nice smile” she said

I wanted to push the red beaming sun of my face to her cheek

so she could feel me blush

First we looked for hair spray

And then we looked for lipstick

Her favorite chocolate

Which she confided tasted like ****

But she had to stick to sugar free now

And then we looked for her arthritis medicine

Adult diapers

A bedside ******

Please take the years I am not using

I’d die young to keep you here a little longer

To fight back the dust in your bones

And the paper of your skin

I want you to wake up every morning

So when I ask you how your day has been

You can say more than

“Well

I woke up again”

******* lady

If you knew what I would do to stop this

Her smile never fades

No shame hidden in the wrinkles of her face

I let her out the back so she can get to the street corner faster

“Such a nice young boy” She says

And I just want to tell her

I love her

Jon Tobias Jul 2011

If you Ever Found that Place where the Weeds Grow

I don’t know where the right place is

But if you ever found it

That’s where my heart would be

Pumpin’ contently

Good intentions lookin’ like veins

Stackin’ up like a spiral train track headin’ up and out

It’s the only way they grow

Up and out

Like weeds

They grow from anywhere

I had a friend who’s car was so messy weeds were growin’ in his back seat

Love is synonymous with the way weeds grow

Makes me thankful for the fissures in the foundation that holds me

On days where the money runs out

And I can’t even keep my own head above water

On days where I collapse into the fault lines I’ve made for myself

There’s still love in there

I know I’m not perfect

But the intentions bleedin’ out from the cracks in my skin

Are beggin’ for forgiveness

Like it was all that I ever wanted

I hate the fact that I push people away

And I hate the fact that I can get so obnoxious

That even my laugh sounds like thunder

beggin’ ya to punch me in the face

Go ahead and stop lovin’ me if you have to

Just know

If you ever found the right place

Maybe stumbled upon it like a hole in the ground

That you somehow missed

My heart would be in there

Good intentions

Workin’ up like weeds

Beggin’ you to love me

Jon Tobias Jul 2011

This is the Year

It was the only year that I got fat

From eating chocolate bars that my mother bought with the left over EBT cash

That way when she did my laundry

she could get mad about the

Chocolate stains on my sleeves

So I ate until I got sick

And bled until I passed out

It was the year that hangs heavy in the hallows of my heart

The same year of my second suicide attempt

You should know this

I know the crash of the gallows hangin’ from your shoulders

Sends thunder through your ears

I know the angel that’s supposed to sit on the other

Looks like a gargoyle sometimes

I know there are days where

You freeze up

Locked in place until someone finally touches you

There were words trapped underneath my skin

So I cut them out

So I could finally makes sense

Of the irregular morse code of my heart beat

There were words comin’ out of my mouth

Always the wrong words

So I tried to lasso my throat shut

What you should know is

There will always be days where gravity tries to trap you here

It’s why I ring doorbells all the time

My angel needs its wings

I want your angel to have its wings

This year

This is the year that

I find the words

To explain to you what my heart’s been sayin’

The year the gallows no longer crash

The year my angel gets its wings

If you didn’t know this before

You are so perfect

You are so amazing

Your smile is amazing

On the days you are happy to see me

I swear I could take your cheeks sailing

We never needed the words

To explain what my heart's been saying

At any given moment

As long as I am breathing

There’s a guy

Thumbin’ doorbells as desperate as impatience

Teary eyed and trembling

Just trying

To get you back your wings

Jon Tobias Jul 2011

The Message that I was Supposed to Give You

Rabo Karabekian said all our souls are neon tubes of light
If that is true
I know mine always flickers
Especially when I am scared
And if you knew Morse code
My soul would flash to you

“LOVE ME”

If you place your hands on my chest
You would see
My heart beats

“FREEDOM”

The broken Braille of the goose bumps
That I get when I am cold
They say

    “HOLD ME”

If you were blind
And you
Dragged your hands across the terrain of my face
Every pock mark and scar
Would make you think I was the moon
And when you got to my mouth
Warm from the breath I try to hold
When you’re near me
You’d realize
There really is a man in there

Underneath the warning signs
And flashes of light
When the sounds from the pleads for help stop
And you can finally hear me breathin’
You’ll see the message that I was supposed to give to you
Read what it says on my skin

“Underneath is a man
Who keeps the dark and the stars to his back so he can always face you
Some days his distance feels cruel
Some days his smile is ugly
But his heart
When it’s not beating so hard that it’s beggin’
For freedom
It’s full of love
There is still dust in his lungs
For he does not use his voice much
But he can hold you like a lullaby”

Jon Tobias Jul 2011

We Were Never Supposed to get Wet

Shortly after we were born
The doctors told our parents to watch out for these ones
Said not to feed us after midnight
And never ever to get us wet
So we grew up hungry
Always wanting more
And we grew up *****
So we learned never to be afraid to dive headfirst
Into any situation
Unless somehow
we might walk away clean

I refuse to look my Sunday’s best
When I know God’s still gonna love me
Thursday’s worst
The only time I ever got wet was when I was baptized under a leaky faucet
In an old house held together by
memories and bones
Missing teeth and ****** noses
Two black eyes and bad plumbing
Been spending my whole life still trying to ***** that clean spot
Right in the middle of my head

We never needed some old man to forgive us
for everything
We ever did
This is why I never look my Sunday’s best
I still love me
Monday’s worst
And Tuesday’s worst
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday and Saturday’s worst

And I am not so naïve to think that my best
On any given day
could
Actually
Last
A whole day
So
I still love me Sunday night
When the dust I shake from my feet
Just gets in my eyes

And I am not god
But
You pick any day
And I promise
I’ll still love you