Life is *******, death is God's forte
I would say **** the world but I'm stuck in foreplay
Why do you have to take friends that I had since the fourth grade

Rest in peace Allen Joseph Field
April 4th 1995 - July 7th 2013

Allen, I never would have expected to see so many familiar faces from our graduating class so shortly after we graduated
Honestly I didn't care to see half of them
Allen, I will never get to see your face again

Allen, the day I found out you had died I woke up to a group text from my best friends, missed calls from my mother and the second I stepped out of my doorway my father asked me if I had heard the news
I had, but I didn't believe it

Allen, when I went to work that day I was bagging groceries and saw a customer's eye light up as she realized the woman in front of her was a friend she hadn't seen in a very long time
I will never to run into you at the grocery store

Allen, the last time I saw you and actually talked to you was in a CD aisle at Walmart
You made a joke about how it looked like I was bald because I was wearing a hat and had just gotten a haircut
You made me laugh
Allen, you always made everybody laugh

Allen, I wish we stayed closer through high school
But I still remember freshmen year when we would play Xbox live and you would yell so loud I'd have to take my mic out
Or when we would ride our bikes up and down Black Hall Road and hangout a James' house and his dad would tell us to be quiet because we were all laughing so loud
And before that when you were just a mop of hair and a smile doing the truffle shuffle to make everyone in class crack up

Allen, I remember going to your birthday party one year and your mom owning a ton of ******-Doo DVDs
It tears me apart knowing that there is no mystery at the end of this episode that we can't pull the mask off of your ghost and bring you back

Allen, I wanted to say something at your memorial service but I couldn't compose myself
I hope it still means as much now

Allen, I never would have thought the new kid in my fourth grade class that would follow me a Danny around would have such an impact on my life
I never would have thought I would call you a best friend
I never would have thought I would see you go

Allen, everybody knew you loved to drive fast but none of us thought you would take it that far
That you would challenge God to a race in his golden chariot
That you would pass him and take the lead
That he would strike you down and take you from us
Allen, I pray your last seconds on Earth were pure euphoria
I pray you didn't have to feel a thing

Allen, I only believe in angels when I think about you

Ever have one of those nights where you listen to Johnny Cash's cover of Hurt on repeat while you drive your car into the city and proceed to climb the steps of a parking garage while you try to get your ex girlfriend to answer her phone and when she doesn't you stop sit on the third story railing look down and think maybe if I fell I wouldn't quite die but then she'd have to acknowledge that I still exist.

Ever have one of those nights where you're hanging out on a roof with your friends and you're standing on the edge and you really want to jump but instead you step back and freestyle the bars "**** love it ain't a beautiful thing/ it was created by the Devil and all his demons/ and everything's swell til its ******* ending/ then you're slicing through your left wrist's ******* tendons."

Ever have one of those nights where you're in the driver's side back seat and your best friends are filling up the rest of the upholstery and you're having a good time playing "have you evers" and "would you rathers" and **** get's real serious when you friend turns around and says "Jon, do you cut yourself?" and you just feel the tears run down your face a nod you head and they all tell you they love you and they're always there for you and you know that and you've known that.

Ever have one of those nights where you put on one sneaker just so you can stomp on an old disposable razor spend thirty minutes picking off all the plastic pieces and then carve a train track down your forearm in hopes that all your sadness will climb on board a locomotive travel out your veins down your finger tips and crash land on your bathroom floor.

Ever have one of those days where you’re ten years old and no one’s home besides you and your two sisters and you end up getting in a fight over something you can’t quite remember but you end up in your bedroom crying and decide it’s a good idea to take a belt and wrap it around your throat climb onto your dresser and jam the buckle into the slot at the top of your closet door.

Ever have one of those days where you jump
Where your body swings like a pendulum
Where your toes claw at the side of your bureau
Where your sister holds your dead weight until your feet can find a flat familiar surface and you can breathe again

Sometimes I look at myself and think why have my scars healed so seamlessly as if there were never wires strung through my wrists like a marionette manipulated by the hands of hopelessness maybe the last time I drove a razor blade into my forearm the puppeteer made a mistake and severed the strings he had laced deep inside my tendons.

I once filled a bathroom sink with my sadness and walked away I still don’t understand why if Earth is 70% water God allows so many people to be walking aquariums why he gave them leaky faucets and hands that could turn them like a door ****.

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like there are not enough “do not disturb" signs in the universe and you've had this growing curiosity your whole life about who is knocking on the other side.

I'll grow old with you,
hopefully one day I can forget.

Physical attractions
cannot pull me from my
emotional attachments

Okay, I'll admit it, when I invited you over to play "the floor is lava"
I threw every piece of furniture I own besides my bed out my window .

I thought it would be fun to play pretend. Backs to my mattress acting as a raft
lost in the middle of the ocean with great white sharks circling at our toes.
I was hoping you'd get really scared and then hug me really close.

And when I told you to pick a card, I may have rigged the deck
with thirty-two of my hearts so the chances of you picking me were extremely in my favor.
I thought if I learned enough tricks then one day I could saw your insecurities in half
and make everything that ails you disappear.

When we kissed for the first time I think I caught a cold.
When we ****** I struck a fever, I refuse to see a doctor.
Chicken noddle soup and orange juice have been off my menu ever since.

I just pray to God that you are not contagious to anyone else.

I could drink water until I feel better
but there are not enough oceans on the planet.

On the other hand you are merely 60% water
but maybe one kiss could be my cure.