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May 2014 · 353
Van Gough's Ear
Jon Shierling May 2014
This might be my last chance to write anything worth writing.

Once I stood for something tall and proud, a set of ideals and heroes.

I am no hero. No great power to wash away the shadows on your face.

I have betrayed who I am, what I stood for....out of emptiness.

I am waiting for the walls to close in on me, looking for the web to be closed over my broken limbs.  

Wake me up please, I'm tired of not enjoying this life, living only to fix those memories I see all around me.

Van Bough had something to say, and he cut his ear off in order to prove what he painted on canvas was real I think.

I am on the edge of a knife, about to find my destiny, either in hope or handcuffs.

Somehow, someway,  I have to make all this mean something, lest I give up on the world entirely.

But that doesn't matter, I am no prophet,  no wikasa kakan

I have to make myself ha e the courage to face the worst, face my soul,
Love....love is something I wont speak of again until.....I have an answer.
Apr 2014 · 337
Supplication
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
I have no mighty words left with which to challenge the doubts that gnaw at me, as the ravens gnaw upon the bones of my innocence.

I have no sword with which to slay the nightmares who haunt me in the terrible hours before sleep comes.

I have not courage enough to stand and be counted among those who strive shoulder to shoulder against the dark.

To He that shapes the fate of all, I cry out in the watches of the night, I cry out in the rays of the dawn, I cry out in the blaze of midday.

I cry out that You have not kept me alive in vain.
Apr 2014 · 771
Kinda
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
Kinda tired of being a good guy and feeling like a bad one.

Kinda sick of feeling responsible for things that I have no power to change.

Kinda fed up with not being able to sleep without drinking.

Kinda disgusted with the accursed dance of attraction to people no good for me.

Kinda hating that it's summer and I have a winter inside.

Kinda worried that I'm turning into somebody I don't recognize anymore.

Kinda running low on empathy when I am to others what I am in need of.

Kinda tired of being a good guy and feeling like a bad one.
Apr 2014 · 468
Antipathy
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
I just realized that no matter what I do
or say
or conquer
or love
or ****
or create
or ****
or consume
or throw up
or give..........

It will never be enough.
Apr 2014 · 1.3k
Clarion
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
Machiavelli spoke of prophets, and surmised that it is only those prophets armed by something that have seen their message spread.

Arm me then, arm me with your nightmares and your suffering and your nights filled with wailing at the sky.

Arm me with the anorexic teenage girls, with the empty eyes of the hobo at the liquor store, with the broken hopes of a *******.

Give me your shame at the mirror's lies, give me your self-inflicted scars, give me that loathing for yourself.

Give me that need for one more shot, give me that hopelessness after ***, give me the knowledge that Mom is never coming back.

Clothe me with the skins of a hundred thousand suicide victims, pour over me the tears of a million hungry souls, burn me with the fire of ten million hearts broken under the heel of a dying world.

Do these things, and you will see me become what you've been trying to turn me into all these years.
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
"I fell in love with a fairytale."

Those were her words when I asked why our lives had become what they are now.

The first entrance to her flat, tapestries and flowers and shards of pottery assaulting me as soon as I set foot through the door. A six foot print of The Accolade embroidered like the Bayeux hanging in an alcove. The single rose I gave her placed in an empty wine bottle. She played Yo-Yo Ma on vinyl with something that looked like the first gramophone ever made. I always think of her now when I hear a cello, and whatever it is I'm doing at the time stops for the memory. I will always remember her curled up on that red loveseat like the empress she was to me. We first made love there, on old red satin or whatever it was. Corse to the touch, but beautiful. It was only after the first time that she would let me kiss her on the lips, like it was something allowed after passing a test. She never spoke of it, when or why she let me into her world, a world I had only ever been permitted to sojourn through before. The Kiss hung above her bed, and after she had fallen asleep the first night we lay there together I stared up at it with her in my arms thinking....thinking that I had been searching for this woman forever. I have not been the same man since that night. She became my faith.

You wouldn't know to see it now that we had bliss in this place for five years. Five years of being whole, of the absolute knowledge that we were exactly what we were supposed to be. There is nothing left of us here now. The door is gone. An explosion of some sort destroyed most of the living room. I believe her bedroom was used as a firing position for an anti-tank team at one point in the fighting. Shell casings are everywhere, all the glass is shattered and there are stains in abundance.

Where is she you ask?  

I didn't want to believe what I first heard, but after seeing her face again I knew it was true. Oh, you know her well I'm sure since you were able to find me. She is the reason the front has been extended. She is the reason there is bread now, even if it isn't quite palatable. She is the reason so many more have died than necessary. Over here, let me show you who she is. She's on this poster, the valiant People's Commandante leading us into a glorious future. You know who she is now, serve her excellently I have no doubt. But before you do whatever it is you were sent to do I want you to know that I saved The Kiss before our city burned. You will never find it. And even if she refuses it now, once upon a time she had a different name. Once, when she loved me, her name was Ivy.
From a book I'm starting to slowly weave together.
Apr 2014 · 269
One Day
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
One day, those who have been dismissed to the shadows will see the sun again in all it's glory.

One day, those whose origins have followed them like demons in the night, will arise and face the past as conquerors.

One day, these oceans of ignorance and fear will recede, and humanity will bridge the gap between haves and have-nots.

One day, I will not need a substance to open my mouth and speak about what I truly love.

One day, the world WILL change, and those who have been crushed beneath the weight of a thousand wailing voices will awaken.

One day, you and I will stand on the brink of a world without the need to succeed at the expense of someone else's livelihood.

One day, we all may be able to look on a new dawn and finally breath in the scent of an unbroken soul.

One day, there will be no need for Saints of Lost Causes, or children picking garbage all over the world.

One day, I will say that I love you, and in so doing, finally achieve my freedom.
Apr 2014 · 1.0k
We Shall Speak
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
We shall speak, and by speaking loudly and fervently enough, we shall be heard.

We shall be heard, and by being heard, we will be dismissed as the lost denizens of a failing society.

We shall be dismissed, and by being dismissed, we shall not disappear quietly into the night as our forerunners have done.

We shall be branded "Communists" & "Traitors", and in doing so we shall aquire the attentions of those we aim to educate.

We shall not be silenced, and by refusing to be marginalized into a portion of "freaks and outcasts", we shall be known.

We shall not be paid off or coerced into "negotiations", and by maintaining unity, we shall be outlawed.

We shall not accept the scorn of those whose power seems unassailable,
and in so doing, we shall be feared.

We shall not accept platitudes and half measures as answers to our grievances, and in so doing, we will be persecuted.

We shall not accept a world where our worth as human beings is measured by GDP, and in doing so, we will become that which we seek.

We shall not accept that "Some people are better than others", rather,
we KNOW that liberty is born from knowledge.

We shall speak, and by speaking, be heard, and by being heard, we will effect change, and by effecting change, we will be victorious.
To those who go unheard, I write this for you. And ask that you speak on what you hold dearest, lest we all suffer the fate of those who have been silenced.
Apr 2014 · 547
Tierra Del Fuego
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
It's getting hot again, and I always start
to come back to life in the heat,
something to do with being covered in sweat
and the way things smell,
plants exploding everywhere,
wind caressing before a thunderstorm,
and the throbbing of drums deep in the night.
Somehow I always wake up with bites and scratches,
recurrent love-making and the urge
to put up mosquito netting so I can leave the windows open.
Ah, the sun turns everything soft here,
well, not necessarily everything when you're with me
and the world dissolves into a tangle of limbs and tongues,
something akin to dancing in private
and I'm not sure which I prefer;
the sensuality of moving to drums and guitars with you,
or the ferocity of our moonlight sonatas.
Apr 2014 · 399
Today
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
Today, today.....

Did I not stand beside the shores of your river, weeping the ink my pen should have used for mere words of regret or shame or longing.

Longing for a kiss of flowers, did you not witness me writing calligraphy in the sand with the shard of a broken sword?

Today, today.....

You deigned to visit again in the small hours, a lotus from the Ishii valley, whirling in drops of incandescence.

Did I not wince with a longing for something I can barely remember save in dreams and flashes, that mystery you write of?

Today, today.....

Pieces of paper are all that may remain as proof that what I experienced was something that actually existed once.

Did I not realize that these Revolutions in my heart are only the absence of having someone near to pour my love over?
Inspired by Blue Submarine No. 6
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
There are a great many things I've wanted to ask of you, whoever or whatever you are. Some far more poignant than others. What I really want to know are questions pertaining to us, your creations, and what you intended for us to do with this thing we call Free Will. Deeper than that, I want you to explain why you made me as I am, why you place people in my path, and ask things of me which I have not the power or the courage to perform. Why did you gift me with the perception to see into the heart of things, and the conviction that I MUST make right that which is wrong. I look around everyday and am astonished at the contradictions in this world. This schizophrenic society we've built upon the ashes of an idea horrifies me with it's multitude of messages, it's towers built on the illusion that we ARE what we OWN, and that worth is measured in stock. If we aren't beautiful, we can pay to be so, if we aren't smart, we can pay others to be smart for us, if we are not brave, we can hire others to die for us. There is so much beauty all around us, yet we've abstracted existence into sections of time, allotments of economic calculations instead of living, breathing humanity. But that's not what I'm angry about. I'm angry that you've made me in such a way that I can't function very well in "everyday life". I saw hell in the eyes of a beautiful **** Addict, the truth of her squalid life behind the veneer of beauty and calm and power she presented only a few hours before. This person had what our society tells us we must have in order to be happy. Clearly, we are missing something if Miss Beautiful Blonde **** Head had to find some kind of feeling in that. And make no mistake, there's very few illegal substances that I haven't forced upon my body at one time or another, and it disgusts me that I have to partake of a drug in order to be able to speak to people without hiding behind some kind of armour. But it's a lie, it's fake, just as the society we created is a lie. I would give everything to be able to have understood this when I was fifteen and could have started this journey differently. But it was not to be so, for whatever reason I, and so many others, are empty vessels on this sea. All those weeping, wounded hearts you placed before me and commanded me to heal, when my own was broken. I hate you for that. I reject this existence, this scramble for position and power atop a mountain of rags and orphans. I deny the Will to Power.  And to the world you allowed us to create, the world that eats living ghosts and plastic *******, that learned how to burn whole populations away....to this world I will always say "NO".
I have to translate this from prose into a poem.
Apr 2014 · 696
Untitled Letter
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
I'm writing you this letter because I have no address to send it to, and our relationship is such as it is that if I ever see you again and tried to speak, I would flounder upon the words. All these years later, I still receive visits from you in my dreams. I'll turn and almost expect to see you sitting beside me in the car, or reading in the park when I take my lunch break. I can still remember exactly how you felt in my arms, can still taste you if I think hard enough. The journal we shared found it's final flight from my arms in the only city I ever loved, the city that has changed me so much from the boy that didn't know what to do with a love like yours. That journal full of memories, full of who we used to be, has been brought to it's final home by the Atlantic tides. What's left of the romantic in me likes to believe it was found and read by someone who needed to know that portion of our stories. I've come full circle now I think, and I'm still grappling with the same questions I was then, still locked in combat with myself. I know that you're happy though, wherever you are. My heart still tells me that much. I hope that you've been able to turn forward and live for life's sake, and if you have, please send some of that my way. I could use some of that light you always carried with you now.
Mar 2014 · 437
One Liner
Jon Shierling Mar 2014
It really ****** me off when what I say and intend is turned into something horrid and cruel by someone because of what others have done to them.
Obviously I've got no truck for ******* mind games.
Mar 2014 · 586
Canto II
Jon Shierling Mar 2014
When the low men came for you,
   why did you let them pay fifty solidi for your body?
Why did you not resist them,
   for you had other lives to live, other loves to profess?

I know you were given only vinegar,
   when all you craved was the living water.

And I, the Honest Fool, met you in that desert,
   clothed in the rags of a *****.
You had come seeking freedom, and I....
   I had come seeking oblivion.

God may have you in His hand, but I have you
   in my heart. And all is as He wills I suppose.
Even though you had made me promise to take you
   to the city where His Son was birthed.

I know only one thing for certain:
   where you began is not where you will end.

I wonder often if we have chosen poorly,
   selling our souls to those who killed Lazarus
after Christ raised him up.
   Are we worth so little?

I want something that they cannot give;
   I want to walk where He walked,
and love as He loved.
   For I was meant to wield a plow,
        not a rifle.
  
What is it that you want?

And if perchance you ever walk in Gethsemane,
   will you weep?
Will you yearn for what ought to have been?
   I will.
Written on a MAC flight, 2012. I guess I still believed then.
Jon Shierling Mar 2014
When you meet my eyes for the first time,
trying to reach you across the twelve stools between us,
I won't be expecting it at all.
I may even look away after trying so hard to make contact,
depending on how steadily and heavily I've been poisoning myself tonight.
I love playing the eye game, especially with you,
but I'm kinda rusty these days,
so you might have to be slightly aggressive in the beginning
if you want.
Eventually the curiosity of what I'm thinking will crop up,
maybe right at the beginning,
maybe when I work up the audacity to come talk to you,
maybe when you tell me to shut up and kiss you already.
Or it might be one of those rare occasions with just the right mix of ***** and testosterone when I don't second guess myself.
Regardless, eventually you'll want to know what's going on up here.
It's pretty simple really, no big mystery, even if
I don't talk about myself much in person.
To be sure, I want to know what you taste like,
how you look without make up,
under a shower,
in a bed.
I want to know what it will be like to strip clothes from your body,
as an artist must feel uncovering a work of hidden beauty,
as a madman must when he regains himself,
as Rumi must have in his garden.
Images diverge from there, with equal portions half and half,
your hand around my waist as I lift your skirt in the bathroom,
and reading by lamplight to you a chapter from Divisadero.
You're looking at me with that same appraising gaze I know so well,
and you can be **** sure I'm wondering whether you'd like me to pull your hair, the same as you wondering if I like to be bitten.
You see, there is no longer any separation for me,
between closeness, passion, or ecstasy.
When we progress to the point,
when I finally get your hint,
that I don't have to try so hard,
I've already decided whether I'll take the plunge to your soul or not.
A five minute write. Just a bit of recycling going out to the curb I guess.
Jon Shierling Mar 2014
Today, we live in a world bound together by a plethora of interlocking mechanisms and systems, some social/political, and a great many technological, but most remain economic(for reasons of simple profit and pragmatism). In a time where the rate at which new technologies are developed is being reduced by a specific ratio in relation to the complexity and modernization of the societies in which they are developed, and the impact they have on said societies can be measured to a certain degree, it is a wonder to me that human beings have not applied our gifts of invention and improvisation to other parts of our existence.
I'm not a psychologist or sociologist or anthropologist, therefore I don't want to seem as if I'm attaching weight to any of my conclusions or opinions. I'm simply trying to put down in words a condensed version of many hours worth of contemplation and conversation. That being said, it seems almost as if the further we advance into the unknown future, technologically and scientifically, we further ourselves somewhat from many of the facets of existence that can be said to make us human beings. While the limits of understanding are being extended in laboratories and universities the world over, and the fruits of the endeavor trickle down to us in the way of items such as smart phones with more computing power than a room sized processor from 1970, our social structure has not progressed at a similar rate. While back breaking poverty and oppression on the feudal level aren't daily facts of life for the vast majority of us in developed industrialized society, modern existence has created it's own demons in the demand for limitless profits in an economy(no matter how much of it is superficially called "Service industry") which is based upon finite means of production, whether they be labour or resource based. This is not what concerns me, most of the time, anyway it **** sure doesn't keep me up at night. What does keep me awake till dawn are the deeply personal experiences that have brought me to see the extremes of human suffering, the kind of suffering which is marginalized and ignored because it has no place in our 'civilized' status quo. I will say bluntly that those who do the marginalizing have never carried their friend away from a house party after she was *****, never set their shirt on fire in the middle of the street because it had ***** from the ****** on it, never bandaged the self-inflicted wounds of another (and wiped off the word '****' which she had written on herself in her own blood), nor seen a thousand year old village obliterated in about 3 seconds, never seen what kind of horror people have the capacity to inflict on each other....as I have. There are many of us who have experienced these things, many who have experienced far worse, and to them I offer my deepest respect and compassion.
The realm of the human heart is the same landscape our forefathers journeyed through in the age of Richard Couer de Lion, the questions many of us ask are the same as well. But there is a difference, and it isn't technological. The serf toiling in the dirt of medieval France had no separation between himself and the land he worked, and to a similar extant, the modern Afghani sees no separation between himself and the will of Allah, which is what binds his entire universe together. Only we here in the First World have been abstracted into units of economic output, reduced to numbers and symbols, and only we no longer know what our place in the world is, or how we relate to each other. I want to know why.
Mar 2014 · 260
Acceptance Is Optional
Jon Shierling Mar 2014
For once, tonight I don't want to drink, I don't want to be hazy, I don't want to smoke a joint, or do a few lines.

I am content being sober I guess, because I feel as if I have important things to do, as if I've rediscovered some sense of purpose that has been lacking for eight years or so.

It's so strange to me, this sense of fullness, even though I am so weary, so jaded.

Winter is passing here, and as with every change of seasons, I look behind me for the reminders of where I've come from, and for courage to continue on to wherever it is that I'm going.

Getting kinda tired of running, kinda tired of remembering that Jess told me I reminded her of Tom Waits once.

It's lonely working nights here by myself, but I don't mind it much; gives me plenty of time to think, to sort things out without a bottle.

So strange, how the past can permeate us without our knowing it, bursting out of hibernation just when we thought we had gone far enough.

I guess I do still have a streak of the Romantic in me, no matter how things pan out during the course of days, and weeks, and months, and years, somehow...I'm still me.

Somewhere still lives in me the boy so full of passion and principles, he who loved without speaking, cried without accepting, and receded into the man I am now.
Mar 2014 · 395
Sapho the Great
Jon Shierling Mar 2014
Some hours later, night having fallen over Lisboa, It was Clara who sat in the loveseat while Ta'ra was asleep. Simon kept graveyard hours, partly from work, partly from an ingrained watchfulness that only ever left him in the small hours before dawn. So it was a usual occurrence for the two woman to sleep and wake and find him still active and awake, cooking or writing or at work, sometimes just staring aimlessly at the skyline of the Almafa. Clara was speaking of her loves and loyalties to him, no guitar for her though. Her gifts were the brush and her voice, both of which had always held a power over men. Her life had been one of passions only half felt, half lived, an object to be possessed by those she enraptured with a whisper in the ear or a sketch on a napkin.
"You speak of passion with such...disdain. As if it's something one could do without and be better off..." He looked up at her from the tile floor of the balcony where he was sitting crosslegged like some aesthetic. She smiled her full, rich smile down at him and then turned away, knowing this was a man she had tried to conquer, and failed. She had known he couldn't be swayed the way most were the first night in Tangier while waiting for the ferry. It had been her intention to barter passage from him for what most men think of as passion. Instead he brought them both to his apartment here as roommates, gotten papers for them, helped them start a life that wasn't that of a hunted thing. "Passion is a weakness that brings us away from ourselves, and presents us to someone else's lusts and wants and needs. In the end, we give all we have, and are emptied of life," she whispered, more to herself than Simon. He sighed as one who isn't sure whether he should speak or not. "You say that, and yet I'm attracted to that word, its implications, its many meanings to us. What you think of as passion is so different from what I think of it as, or Ta'ra for that matter." Clara gave a sharp ha! as response, as if she could divine something we mortals were ignorant of. "Isn't that what you two share," he asked, "passionate love? For eachothers' bodies? Your souls? I hear the two of you, envy it sometimes you know. I haven't been lost within someone completely like that in a very long time." Turning back and staring at him hard before speaking, she slowly and precisely told him that he would never understand what that really was between the two women, because he was a man.
Mar 2014 · 462
Samhadi
Jon Shierling Mar 2014
Unlike some in this world, Simon was not afraid of loneliness, had no need to feel needed, in fact had often wondered how these two women had come burning out of the desert into his private world. He had been a solitary man most of his life, wandering or running from something he wasn't sure. What he was sure of was that he loved these two people whom God or Allah or whomever had placed in his path one day in Tangiers.

He had read the book by Mitchener titled "The Drifters" when he was young, and remembered it now as Ta'ra wept in front of him. Torremolinos was on the other side of the Iberian sure, but the irony of the similarities seemed so poignant that he couldn't ignore it. He put out his hand to this woman, who had travelled so far and for so long she was afraid of what permanency could mean. She made as if to slap him again, and stopped.

"Please. I don't want it to be like this". A bare whisper.

She touched his hand. A hand girls had once thought smooth and soft. No longer.

"I'm afraid."
"I know."

Sitting back down, she picked up the orphaned guitar, and gazing out over Alfalma, she again sang her childhood lullaby. “Çevrem, etrafım şen mutlu iken. Ben yine hüzünlüyüm”.

A girl in France uses a razor against herself in the bathroom between classes, an orphan in Delhi does what he can to provide for his sister, two wanderers find some sort of peace on a balcony in Portugal, and a broken ex-soldier writes about them in America. Where we began, does not have to be where we end, and the lives we touch may never be known to us. But that doesn't mean that who we are, and the joys or the sufferings, are meaningless. We are human, and to be human is to be searching.....
Mar 2014 · 253
Visions
Jon Shierling Mar 2014
I was a soldier once,
and because of the time spent in that world
I thought I knew what suffering looked like.

I thought that because I have smelled death,
  and thrown away the bodies of innocents
like so many empty fruit rinds
  that I was enured to that hole in the earth.

How wrong I was to believe that such things were
the heart of that river

  the darkest I would stare upon,
Jan 2014 · 630
Existential Crisis and Co.
Jon Shierling Jan 2014
Isolation: I disappear when things start to slip. I get too close, can feel the fulcrum coming, and push myself away rather than accept the possibility of actualization.
Anchoring: I find something to hold to, a constant, whether love or *** or work or substances. Faith has transient meaning on a very selective basis because it seems so distant.
Distraction: Resurgence of hobbies and an attempt to return to previous states of identity in an attempt at fusion of opposite beliefs vs. experiences.
Sublimation: I haven't gotten there yet. Thanks a lot Fydor.
Include bits of Dostoevsky and your rejection of his overwhelming negative conclusions and suggestions, as well as subtle inferences to your own heritage and the philosophical/religious background you base your own system of beliefs on.
Jan 2014 · 1.3k
Remembrance
Jon Shierling Jan 2014
Today, sitting in the library waiting for it to be time to go to work, I've decided that its a good time to write about some things that I've been keeping to myself for a while. Victor Frankl has convinced me to live as if I've done it already and now can make good on my promises and make different choices than the last go round (which was one helluva doosie). I should be looking for a house instead, or maybe hunting for that second job I need to take. But what's the difference between one house or another, or even a cardboard box out by the mall if there's no eventual destination one has in mind. So I'm going to write down my dream for the future, a wholesome dream I keep very close because its so real to me. There are other dreams of course, other lives I'm tempted to seek and have tried in the past to actualize, mostly out of a desire to escape, to be somebody else. But this dream is the real one, the true one that is all the more precious because it can belong only to me, whereas sailing the high seas or tramping through unexplored jungles could belong to anybody with a mind to do it. My dream has more to do with minor things, things that don't take herculean courage or a doctorate in linguistics. Things like taking the kids out for ice cream on a hot day. Or piling everybody into the car for the drive from our house in Floyd up to Woodstock for the Shenandoah County Fair. Singing all the old songs and some of the new as we wind our way through the Blueridge. Maybe somebody has a summer cold so Charlotte and I have to hunt for tissues in all the places where they might be, and then find them in the back with the kids where we put them in the first place. And then finally getting there, late probably, so that everybody else is already at the grounds and we can hear the announcer at the cart races as we unpack the car. And then there they all are, my Mother and Stepfather, Uncle and Aunt and Cousins and the Grand Parents deciding to come again this year, though its getting hard for them to make the drive from Virginia Beach. So we all head up to the track to catch the last of that days races, covered in sweat and bumping into random people, a four-year old perched on my shoulders, not just because it's fun for him but also so Charlotte and I can keep track of the other children easier. I can see the magic in their faces as we waddle around the pavilions full of animals for the livestock auctions. Our six year-old daughter gravely points out to her mother that there's something wrong with that turkey in the pen, it's the wrong color. She has only ever seen the wild turkey's around our place, never a domestic white. Charlotte shoots a quick smile at me, trying hard not to laugh as she explains to our daughter why not all turkey's are as pretty as the ones that live near our house. And then before ya know it the sun's going down and it's almost time for the live music to start. So we all wind up in the bleachers again, listening to old country singers whose songs I haven't heard in thirty years, sharing funnel cakes and singing along while I'm wiping powdered sugar off of little noses with my shirt. I could go further, talk about how we decided to keep heading North after the fair, up on to Skyline Drive and Front Royal, and visited the old Firestation where my Great-Grandfather volunteered in the days before there was a McDonald's. But I won't flatten things with too many details. They're not that important sometimes anyway.  What is important, is that when I see these things in my mind's eye, they're clear as if they've already happened. As if I'm remembering the night at the fair with my Family last summer, and writing about it now after I'm done grading papers and the children are getting ready for bed. There's splashing and laughing from a bathroom where it sounds like there's less bathing and more tickling going on, Charlotte laughing hardest of all. I write of this, and I know deep down inside, that I've found something I lost a long, long time ago. As if a lost civilization's Golden Age is sailing out of the mists, building's putting themselves back together and beautiful trees growing right before my eyes. I've got to go now though, I need to help Charlotte dry off the kids and then show the youngest how to make the best PB&J; sandwich ever, the same way my Dad taught me.
Jan 2014 · 657
Everyday Life
Jon Shierling Jan 2014
The medium which brought us together
  is the only way I know
how to convey to you what's in my heart.
  Since I can't touch you, or speak to you,
or make love to you, I will have to write to you.

To be completely honest, I don't know if
  I have the power to be
who it is you need me to be.

I don't know how to take the shame that's been
  shackled to you like an unexpected visit from KGB,
and help you believe that it's all a lie.

Believe me when I say that I know,
  how unyielding self-loathing can be
especially when there are good things
  pulling you away from that empty place in your heart.

But that's why we found each other I think,
   to prove to one another, that the past
only has the power to keep us locked within it.

I promise you that one day, regardless of our supposed weaknesses,
   that emptiness will be filled, and the light will come back.
Jon Shierling Jan 2014
Brittle leaves fall upon a
   hard winter's ground.
Worthless bows to a dying shrine.

How long has it been
  since you risked yourself?
Not your body, no you use your
  beauty as a defense.

But that treasure you've locked away;
  your soul lies sleeping in a
tomb, of glass and honeysuckle.

The cathedral is empty, the worshippers
  fled to the countryside, and the monks
sing now only when the hours call them hence.

When will the light come back?
  Or will I forever keep vigil
at an empty altar?
Jon Shierling Jan 2014
I thought once that I could be a light in the dark, a fixed point from which you could navigate,
the reminder and protector of all love and life that you have become so adept at denying to yourself.
I had hoped, that by the power of my love, I could retrace your footsteps in the desert sands, find the source of that secret fire, and lead you back to where you began.  That was my hope, my wish, to be the Prometheus, the exiled light-bringer...that was the myth I clothed myself in, the facet of self I allowed in. But it was only a partial identity, a partial self allowed to live, with the rest of my soul symbolically strangled, cast off like a ***** coat, and that....that is what invited fragmentation. I can bring light to someone no more than can a broken mirror, or a moon covered with cloud. It is the disparity between the dream and the reality, between the loves and the betrayals, that prevents me from retracing any path but my own. I can't reach out to you across this ocean because I don't know how, because I made myself forget who I was in the beginning, before I was so overcome that I exiled myself. It was I who silenced my own heartsong, I who am afraid to live and love without restraint. I yearn to be these things for you, and every other I have ever loved (or thought I loved), because it is exactly that which I yearned for they to be to me. I am the one in need of light, I am the one lost at sea, I am the one wandering the desert in search of the God I abandoned so long ago, I am the one trying to return home. And it was unfair, horribly unfair, for me to make every woman who loved me into something that they were not, and may not, have wanted to be.
Jan 2014 · 442
Free Association #1
Jon Shierling Jan 2014
If I could allow myself to love like my heart says I can
If I could see with the right kind of eyes
I could maybe turn and write my burning dreams
And ask those men with guitars why they’re sad inside
If I wasn’t afraid of your body
I wouldn’t fear the need to stop
I would have the power to tread a different path
To break the silence in this great night
I could let the broken sea music change where I’m going
So I wouldn’t have to lie to my place of courage
I could believe that no matter my soul’s seeming folly
Walking forgotten paths
I’ve faced your song my friend
Though the memory of women loved
Closed chains of ego around the dream
I still can remember the days when
As children we asked the land for faith
Walking forgotten paths
I’ve faced your song my friend
Dec 2013 · 334
Rain
Jon Shierling Dec 2013
A wind carried me into the West
   carried my throbbing heart into your hands.

And the rains you poured down upon my secret places
    filling my desert with your love.

The lands of your body like the New World to me
    though I come bearing a passion to give, not a greed to conquer.

A kiss from you drained the bitterness from my soul
    and your warmth moved me as a storm upon mountains.

As I stripped clothes from your form
    you stripped illusions and fears from me.

As you molded me like a sculptor
    I revealed your hidden power.

With my hands in your hair you whispered my name
    and the walls of my heart finally fell.

And when I could no longer tell where I ended and you began
    the pilgrim in me had at last returned home.
Dec 2013 · 611
Following
Jon Shierling Dec 2013
I will come burning through you like a wind out of the Hejaz,
   a hand to pull you from the depths of that outer sea.

I will reach into you and sooth that heart like a theme of yearning,
   a kiss that breathes fire into your chest.

And with these hands I will build an oasis where once there was dust.

You have come as a soft rain out of the West,
   a whisper of the world in the Elder Days when all was green and young.

You go walking as the soft twilight under stars,
   a music that winds through the tired land bringing memories and sapphire.

And with these hands you pulled the veil from my eyes and smiled.

I have been wandering in this desert so long I have become a part of it,
   thinned out and hollowed by the empty places.

I saw your footsteps in the sand and had no thought but to follow,
   heedless of what I would find when I arrived at your resting place.

And with your own bruised hands, you filled my cup from this sacred well.
Rough draft, but I just had to get it down before I lost the thread.
Dec 2013 · 1.1k
An Accident
Jon Shierling Dec 2013
I stumbled against you at the bazaar in Alexandria one day,
   a stroke of accidental closeness as we brushed hands,
and my heart shivered like the old man on the corner of Divisadero street.

And then you vanished from my mind as a dead leaf from branch,
   till I saw you again in a tavern by the docks,
quill in hand and the world on your back.

We share that same dusty look, that obvious stride
   that wanderers from everywhere can so easily surmise
to belong to one in kind.

The day after you were at the well by the caravanserai,
   and I recognized your goatskin shoes as those
of a mariner from the North, the land of the Majus, my kin.
Jon Shierling Dec 2013
It's late, and I still know nothing about women.
  
  They say that men have locked women up,
for all times, in all civilizations, in all lifestyles;
  in one way or another locking away the soft things,
supposedly for their own protection....
   maybe to break some kind of spell,
or, more likely...a fear.

But those men, on whom our gender might be judged,
   never have tasted freedom as I have.
And for the men, who love other men:
   it is probably easier for you.

Not socially, or politically, or overtly,
   but poetically, romantically, truly.

Please don't misinterpret me, I say nothing of morals,
  or religion...only Love.

And it really is hard for a man to Love a Woman,
  someone or something so...dangerous.
Yes, dangerous to men who have to learn to be hard,
  the hard way, dangerous to break down that fantasy.

There is a reason that most men are more hostile
   towards women, than vice versa.
How strange, when you have so much more to lose,
  than some misguided notion of superiority.

But this is what I want, this is what I need,
   this tearing down and burning up.
These hands, this flesh, a vessel for fire and light;
   I need your love, as the sun needs the night.
Jon Shierling Dec 2013
So you've got a grudge and a roll of dollar bills stuffed in your pocket
   staring through other people's lives and loves with those hungry eyes,
and wading through the refuse you've piled about yourself.
 
 So you go burning bridges and murdering saints, weeping oil and restitution
movin and groovin and trying oh so hard to impress those ghosts,
   those shades shackled to your heart trailing behind you like hamstrung legs.

So you go on wishing you were Dante and stumbling over Elliot,
   stuck in a loop, stuck in the past, or is it the past that's stuck in you?

So you blame the world, blame the stars, blame the very beauty that it hurts
   you to see, hurts you to love, but more than anything you blame me.

Well that's too bad, that you don't want to see, too bad that you don't want
   to be stuck inside of me, torn apart and inside out, just too **** bad
that you don't wanna be sad when the sun rises and shows me who you really are.
  
Now let me tell you something boy, and I'll be extremely concise, as forward
   as I can: It's time to stop running like a hunted thing in the night,
time to turn, to change and fight.

But you've got that grudge, and those dollar bills, and you wanna find some pretty,
   broken thing to spend it on; yeah to find some hopeless eyes to rub your
empty heart on, or maybe some sad hippie girl to get your conscience on.
Compared to my stuff from the last few years, this is really dark and even crass. But, I'm obviously in a dark place right now, and this is the only way I know to stay in movement, to stay myself.
Nov 2013 · 1.4k
Resumption
Jon Shierling Nov 2013
“Why talk?  If you do not listen to me?", he asked. He spoke to her in Kurdish, the language of her misty childhood memories. Simon had guessed, but did not know, could not know, how deeply she was speared by this simple statement, spoken flawlessly by a man she thought she knew. She ceased her melody, and as the chords faded away, so her warmth disappeared. Her eyes watered...cleared, darkened. Memories long buried, embalmed with religious care, rose again out of the shadows she had banished them to. "How dare you speak to me like that. Who do you think you are? How do you know my language, my childhood?"

"You talk in your sleep..."

She leaned forward and slapped her friend across the face. She knew there was something wrong with him, knew that there could be no such thing as unconditional companionship, as real altruism.
How stupid she was, how naïve to believe that she might have found someone who didn't want something from her, who didn't have a price.

Simon, who knew the alleyways and alcoves of the past like a lover knew his partner's body, should have been more concise. But it wasn't in his nature to approach personal history with spotlights and pragmatics. Ta'ra was accusing now, calling him hideous, a betrayer, one who steals sweet things in the dark from lack of courage. "It's not like that Ta'ra, not an ugly thing like you make it," he tried to explain. But she did not want to hear, did not want to listen as he tried to tell her how she cried in her sleep on the long drive from Cadiz, how Clara told him a little of their history together in Morocco. "So Clara told you so much did she? I should've known she'd pout to somebody as soon as she could, as soon as I wasn't listening! So what else does she tell you? What else does she say about me when I'm not around? Or do you do more than talk hmm?"

She was standing over him now, guitar abandoned like an orphan, her green sweater all askew. So close to him he could smell her. "It's not like that Ta'ra, she cares for you, wants the best for you, and I...I..." he trailed off. "You what? You fantasize about me, you put my face on those ****** you find in the bars and cafes?" She slapped him again, crying in earnest, and he knew that the choice now was his.
I don't know how to continue this now. The choice here will determine the entire rest of the story, and I don't know which direction to take. Shall courage and warmth win, and the past be overshadowed? Or, should I let regret and the shadows of the past determine the arc of these characters, who really are just reflections of myself?
Jon Shierling Nov 2013
In the silence before the creation of existence,
what God there may be spoke of all that may come to pass.
And this is what I now come to realize:

The rhythm of the universe cries out in one ALMIGHTY voice “remember";
   Here, now, listening to Tool whilst William Blake weeps in the corner beside me,
weeps at the folly of the search for truth and meaning in such a dark
   and lonely place as this godforsaken desert of a planet……

Though what Blake knows not in his head,
  his poet’s heart has known from the beginning:
WE CREATE OUR OWN MEANING.

Just because we are lied to from birth,
  just because we are made to believe that if only we follow the rules
and vote republican, that everything’ll be all pizza
  and ******* (to quote Don Cheadle)...

Just because we realize this lie does not mean that we must submit
  to the tyranny of lost souls and pens of insignificant blabbering about god,
and morality and some such nonsense about politics.

There is NOTHING…….
  save the world we create for ourselves,
within ourselves…..like that Talmudic script of wisdom:
”We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are”.

For what dark god must we sacrifice ourselves,
to somehow save ourselves or some such ******* that doesn’t make any sense
except to say that the death of the self somehow equals salvation.

I am the Hanged Man, questing irrevocably onward in search
  of my own metaphor of a Dark Tower…..
If only you knew what kind of an impact you would have on me…..
   you who tempted me to remove my Iron Mask
because no matter how burned and deformed my soul may be,
   you prefer it to a lie…

And that’s what I have done, unto others as was done to me…..
I LIED…..I lied to protect myself from all that I thought could destroy me.

But once upon a time, in the darkest pit of despair I had ever thrown myself into,
  when I had not God nor Love nor Belief to turn to for aid or succor,
I chose to continue existing simply out of spite;
   the knowledge of life within death sprung from some unknown source within myself,
or perhaps Jung’s collective unconscious,
   or maybe even the Soul of the Universe…

I once thought that the Truth didn’t matter,
   because if one has enough power the truth becomes irrelevant
and only what people think is true matters….

BUT YOU, YOU WHO BOW TO NO MAN SHOWED ME A DIFFERENT PATH,
  A PATH OF TRUTH WITHIN THYSELF.

I couldn’t muster the epic courage necessary to tell you
   what I feel I must tell you….much more than a simple drunken I Love You of a text message…..anyone can say that…..

But ONLY I can say that I have know my first untroubled sleep
   in many years while in the same bed with you.
You asked me if you could touch me and you said I was soft….
   you said I would be soft...

I am just as soft within my heart for you as my skin used to be.
   We did nothing but look at each other and I was content within,
for just the short time we were there…..

And then came the fire, and the emptiness, and waking life
   where I walk like a wraith in *****'s rags,
thus why I hate fascism and communism and totalitarianism
   and theocracy and all that would seek to destroy the world
that I have come to love with such a fiery passion
   because it has liberated me from the chains of resistance within conformity…..

because of you…..I AM FREE.
Another revision, from when I had political beliefs of some kind.
Jon Shierling Nov 2013
I am afraid of what my hands may write
   I’m not sure why….
most likely something to do with not wanting to hurt anything innocent
   but I suppose we all fail at that endeavor.

Fragile, beautiful things come into our hands and we break them,
   not purposefully, desiring not to **** a lovely thing…
but we can’t seem to help it,
    can’t seem to help hurting people we love.

It ought to have been different, no one should be made to laugh at their own dreams…

I don’t want to write anymore; I want the peace of sleep.
   But I have to write…to keep my soul from dying, I have to write…..
but the only person I want to say anything to doesn’t hear me.
    No matter how absurd the situation appears,
the emotions that we feel are all we have that keeps us alive.

Oceans separate people from each other….
    oceans that even psychonauts are loath to attempt a crossing of.
Anyone who ever believed in anything knows this:
   things ought to have been different….

But people can’t think about things like this all time;
  people aren’t able to go through all of the ******* that encompasses modern life while contemplating the mysteries of human experience.
   And when things get too complicated we run away…

We fear what we don’t understand,
   and I am afraid of you.
No one had ever turned me inside out like you.
No one has ever managed to cut through the crap and shake me to the core….
   except you….

But there’s no time to focus on that,
  there’s no time to focus on one another when the whole world is imposing itself on you.
How can we possibly be expected to delve into people’s souls
  when our mortgage is due eh?

Why should we have to feel the need to love someone
while having to maintain one’s sanity in order to survive?
Since isn’t that what love is…a kind of insanity;
  the kind of insanity where one’s ego is completely swept away.

Freud never loved…
  never could form the concept of ego death
into a beautiful thing…

Certain things will never be spoken aloud by me,
  only written of….
because I too am enslaved against my will by fear of the unknown….
A gutted and revised version of an early free association piece.
Nov 2013 · 395
Words
Jon Shierling Nov 2013
I think I've realized that my words are just that:
  mere words.
I may have yearned for them to convey more than sounds,
  hoped that through them I could help others see,
and feel,
as I do.

But now, I think I've come to understand that even if
I did have that power once,
   I can wield it no longer.

To the more pragmatic:
  why I ever thought anybody would care or want
to see and feel as I do,
  is a mystery to me.

So I think I should go in silence then,
   unselfishly,
  as when I speak, it seems that I light fires in holy places,
and when I sojourn in some tranquil space
  I carry horrors with me.
If ever I commit suicide, this will be my epitaph.
Nov 2013 · 423
Musings
Jon Shierling Nov 2013
Everything I say, I don't just say for me.
Or because I think it matters more than what others say.
Or so that I can get in your pants.
Or to make myself feel better.

Everything I say, I don't just say because I'm sad.
Or because I think you're sad.
Or to make a philosophical point.
Or so I can make you love me.

Everything I say, I say because if I don't, I'll die.
Nov 2013 · 694
Turning
Jon Shierling Nov 2013
I gathered these tears within my weathered hands,
striding ahead and above in such a sad state of bitterness,
blood in my shoes and your breath within my lungs,
committing atrocities upon your memory during days full of fire,
while your children hide in my breast with the memory I've buried alive.

You shadow me in the day and cry for me by night,
covering my body with paints and charcoal,
and the skins of monsters slain out of your love;
and every wound I suffer by my own hands
sewn together with your hair.

Last night I went forth to do violence again in your name,
armed with useless weapons and armour made from sand;
In passing I met you in a bunker, my fortress full of relics
and people asked if I found you beautiful....I laughed;
You are my ideal of beauty.

To turn, to change, that's what you want of me,
to turn from my path and face you fully,
leave my sideways glancing behind and accept that we deserve eachother;
but I can't, and that's why you will not suffer me to live in my silence.

I passed you, you spoke softly, commanded me to wait,
and, seeing my sadness, my folly
you tore your shirt, eyes flashing fire and hymns;
You screamed at me:
"I TOO HAVE A HEART"

That stopped me, I turned and strode up to you,
and you were afraid but stood your ground, faced me as I finally faced you.
I put my hand between your ******* and felt your heartbeat through my broken hands,
like the Gold from Telperion your love burned away my shell, my husk
and I was a man again.

Out of the dark a voice laughed, derisive monster I was given,
"Don't enjoy those too much, this isn't a *****".
I left you, in tears, empty, horrified, ashamed, helpless, I left you;
And went again to the work of violence against foes with no faces.
I know this is absolutely no form whatsoever, and isn't anything close to my usual carefully crafted style. basically though, I'm attempting to put into words a recurring dream I've been having, hopefully to get some feedback or at least catharsis.
Nov 2013 · 359
What If
Jon Shierling Nov 2013
What if you could stand up and be more than you were made?
What if you could wake up and see the world as it really is?

What if, by the power of your love, you could mend any wound.
What if you realized that you are not merely a product of your environment?

What if you could truly believe that the dark shall not conquer.
What if you could see all of the lives you have touched with your compassion.

What if, one day, we all could do those things.
Oct 2013 · 557
Images
Jon Shierling Oct 2013
I.
These stars, this twilight palaver, out by what used to be a Wal-Mart;
   walking down streets in a fairytale, apart from you,
   putting on a good show, when all I wanted was to hold your hand.

My memories don't progress like pages, but ebb and flow,
  the way the river does, as it winds its way to the delta,
  with rapids around every other bend.

What is and what was and what should have been are written in your eyes,
  grey eyes, eyes that pierce me like lances when I gaze too long;
   my self then, afraid of being naked.

I clothed myself in words, and folly; raised myself up as intelligentsia,
   as protection, which you saw through so easily.
   What it was I wanted protection from, God only knows.

I bend my thoughts to you, my heart and hopes searching for some message,
   some sign, some carrier pigeon from the Hague,
   sent to change everything in one stroke.

II.
Walking in green fields once,
somewhere in high summer
full of the growing things
we turned
and were
here.

Here?
Yes.
Now?
I want to, please, yes.

The grass was so soft, the sun an everlasting lamp,
the world so clear I could almost see through it.

How can I?
Easily.

III.
Needles, so many needles.
I should have been there
Would have been there

But I made my choices
As you did yours
And who I was then
Was not who you needed

They told me you had a death drive
Who they were to fling Jung around like that
In passing remark about you
I will never know

Here let me.
No.
Please.

I wept for you
I still weep for you inside
This burning you have given me
Imagining as it should have been

IV.
I found you on the floor in your kitchen
Alone
Cold
Barely even a ghost

I gathered you in my arms
And put you in the car
And drove

We drove out past the city lights
On into the dying West
Your feet on the dash
And your heart in my hands
Oct 2013 · 406
One More Fragment
Jon Shierling Oct 2013
Now, I think, thanks to you and your very timely astral projection,
   I'm going to stop writing about deserts and mountains and winters for a time,
And instead start writing about gardens and forests and summers,
   golden days full of laughter and adventures and honeysuckle.

I've been wandering around in this guilty haze for so long,
   walking to and from Damascus and back, that I nearly forgot how to go home.
But that's what friends are for aren't they? For showing you how to be gentle with yourself,
    for showing you the way back to the beginning.
Oct 2013 · 999
For Adri
Jon Shierling Oct 2013
I have some things to say to you my friend,
  if friends we still are.
Things that I should have said long ago,
  things I have always been afraid to say.

In this quiet night, this pregnant silence,
  I wonder why you chose to show yourself
in my dream last night, unbidden, unlooked for,
  as if you had always belonged there.

Maybe it was only my old heart yearning for company,
  or perhaps a guilty conscience, ugly brute that he is.
But I prefer to believe in what feels true,
  in what Rumi and Shams would say if I asked.

I knew I was dreaming, but it was the best kind of dream;
  a dream that's more real than a summer afternoon.
The kind of dream that begins with waking up;
  especially when it's Mandy's wet nose in my face.

I wish I could remember the words you spoke to me,
  after you finished laughing that is.
But then, the memory I have I think is enough,
  because sometimes words just get in the way of what eyes can say.

You followed me around all day today, purposefully
  commenting on the state of my mind,
And heart, as I rushed the day away.

You smiled and laughed and made your fine acquaintance,
   when I introduced you to my friend.
Yes my friend, the Cypress I always sit under when I break at work,
   he liked you very much, but found you more of a Willow person.

And I didn't realize how the little things are evident more,
   when I brushed that cockroach from my knee.
But you pointed out to me that the me you knew once,
  would not have simply brushed it aside and let lie.

I guess I finally learned that he has just as much
  right to be there as I do, under that Cypress tree.
And that set the wheel in motion, you and the tree;
  what else have I been missing?

This is not a love song, nor an ode, nor a plea of some kind;
   my heart doesn't have room for motives or means any more.
This is a thank you, an adoration, an exaltation, a hug or three;
   a fire rekindled and a regret unmade.

The truth is that I want to say something to you,
   something that I don't know will sound right,
Or convey everything that I want to,
   but again, sometimes words just get in the way.

The truth is that I have never, ever met someone with the faith and the power and the love and the strength to do what you did. You went all the way to hell and turned back, turned back the dark not with a hate and a burning, but with leaf and branch. I know I don't have the whole story, and that I was gone, in my own way, but I don't think I need to know anymore than what you've told me, what others have told me, and what I've seen. I don't have the words to tell you how much I love you for who you are, and what you did for me when I was nearly lost myself. You gave me hope amid despair, and courage amid cowardice and I just want you to know that when I think of the souls I have met on this road, you shine with the clearest. Thank you Adri.
Oct 2013 · 394
Thoughts About Purpose
Jon Shierling Oct 2013
As the saying goes, "All who wander are not lost";
  I wandered far and long and very nearly was lost.
I would have been if not for signs you left for me;
  markers on the road to you, lanterns in the dark.

I knew, and always have known, that I was seeking for you,
  though I nearly surrendered many, many times.
It was always then, in the moments before I abandoned the quest forever,
  that you would whisper to my heart: "Not yet. Not yet."

And with these hands, and your love, I would rise again;
   but to what end, and for what purpose, forgotten long ago.
That clear morning where we stood together for the last time,
   had all but vanished, barely a memory, a whisp of a dream.

It was an empty land I sojourned in, but beautiful,
  so beautiful my heart would have been broken.
But no longer, for I have journeyed far enough in such places
  that I have become like them, unable to recall even your name.

But one thing in me shall never die, shall never grow old and wither,
  shall never sigh and fade into the twilight of this desert.
My heart will not forget, nor my soul abandon, nor my hands forsake
  that which gave me destiny: my love for you.
Oct 2013 · 627
One Thousand Fires
Jon Shierling Oct 2013
A thousand fires raged in the valley of my heart,
burned the orchards to cinder

A hundred rivers flooded the plains of my soul,
drowned the good harvest

Ten thousand warriors destroyed my ego's fortress,
took the women and butchered the knights

They led me away in chains

The money-changers cast me out of the Temple,


You are within me,

and that is enough to break this prison
Oct 2013 · 1.1k
A Beginning to Something
Jon Shierling Oct 2013
There was water near, her horse could smell it, and so could she after journeying so far. Seemingly small things regained their importance in an empty land such as this, for what use is wealth without water, or power without others to wield it upon? A strange thought, not like her at all. People changed in this desert though; she knew from the way she watched her horse’s stride, and how she could remember all the names of the constellations, something she had not been able to do since times long past. She would not allow her mount to make directly for the water source, a well most likely, and she was wary. Around the foot of this dune, and there it was, the expected well, and a single palm standing sentry beside it. She drew water, relished the sound as it sloshed around in the hide bag, relished the act of letting her horse drink first, the joy of uncomplicated companionship. She drank, refilled her own water skins, ate a few dates, and let her gaze wander. She had maybe an hour left of daylight and was in no hurry to arrive, wherever it was that she was going. A hawk cried as it stooped upon a hare two hundred yards to her right, a beautiful thing to her. And on the heels of that, a fear. A quarter mile away, outlined against the distant plateau, walked another rider.

She had been drifting, sailing almost into a sleep, and now she was awake. What was that sound? Guitar. Her guitar, played with unsure hands, hesitant and sad. Bodiless chords making their way through the open window. God it was hot, oppressive almost, and she could still see the sweat beading on Clara’s forehead. She would not get back to sleep now, not so uncomfortable. She wriggled out of bed, carefully moving out of Clara’s arms. Needlessly though, Clara never woke without a good shaking or a loud noise. She pulled her green sweater off of the chair where it had been thrown an hour before and paused before putting it on. Something she had forgotten to do maybe, something at the back of her mind. Nothing. Closing the door behind her, she padded through the small living room to the open balcony and stood behind the man sitting on an old barstool, rescued he said, from a bar in Alfama. She watched him try and play her guitar, watched him bent in concentration. There was a bottle of wine and two glasses, one empty, standing on the wicker table next to him. Picking up the empty one, he held it out to her without turning around. “I hope I didn’t bother you Ta’ra, I was in a mood and couldn’t help it.” “No,” she said, taking the offered glass, “It’s too hot to sleep.” It annoyed her that he always knew when someone was around him, and in she and Clara’s case, which one of them. Curling up on the loveseat opposite him, she gazed out at Lisboa in all of its late afternoon beauty. “Give that back, you’re butchering whatever the hell it is you’re trying to play,” holding her hand out for her guitar. He handed it back to her, shrugged and said something about it being a long time since he’d picked up an instrument. She smiled, drained her glass, and began to play an old song, barely remembered. “Çevrem, etrafım şen mutlu iken. Ben yine hüzünlüyüm” She had never heard the melody played with a guitar, but she knew it well enough to play it without any hesitation. A haunting thing, this song, in a dialect she only knew by proximity, but no less powerful for people who cared for such things. She cradled her guitar, intent only on the music, on where her fingers must go. He watched and listened. “Why talk. If you do not listen to me? Running away…”
Jul 2013 · 475
Right Now
Jon Shierling Jul 2013
Right now
I want to bleed my soul onto paper
but the words won't come

Right now
I want to take a bath
and actually feel clean inside

Right now
I want to tear my ego out
so I can burn the worthless thing

Right now
I want to drink like I used to
maybe not quite

Right now
I want to stop feeling hunted
and start feeling happy

Right now
I want this music to carry me
to wherever it is that you are

Right now
I want to explore your world
hopefully with you to hold my hand

Right now
I want to lose myself in something
preferably that something being you

Right now
I want to take your broken heart
and with my broken heart
make one whole
Jul 2013 · 2.2k
Angry Prose
Jon Shierling Jul 2013
It caught me off guard, this sudden feeling of loss, this sense that something beautiful was gone forever. I didn't know what to do with it, this overwhelming idea that now, out of neglect or shame or starvation, a work of art had withered away into nothing.
I suppose that I'm beginning to understand that the world isn't a narrative, it's not a story by an author with a plot and a hero.
This is the essential fallacy taught to children with a streak of the hopeless romantic in them:
the desperate belief that somewhere out there is a place for people who live their lives waiting for King Arthur instead of Jesus.

And even now, with every word comes the terrifying truth that my babbling is going to change absolutely nothing, not a single atom is going to **** an electron on the completion.
I won't feel better, the situation won't change, you the reader aren't going to say EUREKA!!!! at the end of it, so what's the point?

Expression, that is the point of it, and to be be completely blunt about it all, I hope some one I love and admire will read this and say the typical things that are said when people are honest on public forums. Do I have a point? No, not really.
So what do I do with this loss, this empty fireplace in my soul?

I drink and smoke and **** it away, stay so busy that I don't have time to consider it, this knowledge that the fire has gone out. How typical of me, how unoriginal and bourgeoise to write another ode to the trials of the individual.
Who am I to feel loss and pain when my stomach is full and my needs are met?
Aren't I another servant of economic output?
Should I not donate time and money to a cause more worthy of respect than a withering example of excessive individualism such as myself?

No, and what's more, ******* society, ******* for taking away the only haven I ever had: my head. ******* for marketing my imagination,
for inventing a bunch of ******* about responsibility for the greater good,
for poisoning the little freedom I do have with feelings of uselessness.

And most especially ******* for your greatest crime of all;
implanting this feeling of guilt whenever I do anything with my own well-being in mind.
You have created a system that perpetuates itself on shame and output,
you have killed the desire to create for it's own sake.

*******, and I'm going to unplug from you if it's the last ****** thing I ever do.
Jul 2013 · 921
Another Fragment
Jon Shierling Jul 2013
Your eyes are the only blue in this desert;
gunslinger eyes, the kind of eyes that quench a dying soul's thirst
and turn nightmares away in the dark.

Behind those eyes is a heart worth a hundred Grails,
  a kindred soul shot from Apollo's bow.

And I, broken soldier that I am, for all my courage and all my faith,
  dare not stray too close for fear of rejection
  or, far more frightening
  acceptance.
Jul 2013 · 392
Fragment of a Eulogy
Jon Shierling Jul 2013
Let us put fire to a candle
in the hope that it pleases your spirit.
Let us walk the path of memory
and tell ourselves that you aren't really gone.

Let us descend that golden staircase
and lie to your corpse.
Let us try and forget you
before you are even cold.

Let us tell our children of hate
how it is that you lived and died.

But I alone truly loved you, knew you,
revered you... as my queen
and as my lover.
Jul 2013 · 2.3k
Szerelem
Jon Shierling Jul 2013
I came to a town on the road to you,
and by chance the day was Eid al Fitr.
The was much music and dancing and rejoicing in life's fullness;
I too was swept away in the simple ecstasies.

But the old Mullahs had heard of my travels
and bid come unto them to discuss heavy matters.
"How can one break the Law and remain beloved of Allah?"

"Because God created the Law out of Love,
thus the Love of Allah is above and beyond it's precepts.
God will Love whom He chooses."
Outrage. Insult. Blasphemy.

The music outside drew my soul away, and I joined
the common people, my brothers and sisters,
while the old men argued without us.

Wordlessly, we danced.
Eid Al Fitr is the celebration commemorating the end of the Holy month of Ramadan.
Jon Shierling Jul 2013
Which of your tired angels, or stone-faced prophets, write the epitaphs for those dreams that we sacrificed so tenderly? Is there a meadow
in your heaven, a quiet place apart from the ceaseless rejoicing, where the beauties of what might have been may go to forget the slow
decay of remorse? I ask this of you, without pity for myself, but rather, sadness for what has become of those feelings and hopes and
loves that weren't permitted to die a natural death; the hearts that were silenced by betrayals. I haven't forgotten that first
entrance to your cathedral in the woods; I felt in that moment that I could change the world with nothing but a pen and your love to guide me.
The world it seems, has seen fit to punish my vanity, and rightly so. Or have I finally come to understand that I don't live in a legend or
an epic, have I woken from a fairy tale to understand my own weakness? I wish I had known how green the world was in my youth; perchance
I would not have taken those quiet moments with you for granted. I don't believe in myself, how can I when I have thrown away so much,
spoiled so much beauty with my ignorance, my need to ask questions of the dreams rather than accept them as blessings from your soul.
Scribbled on the back of a field book during AIT, Ft. Huachuca, AZ 2011
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