"who scribbled all night rocking and rolling over lofty
incantations which in the yellow morning were
stanzas of gibberish,"
            --Allen Ginsberg, "Howl"

I scream into the night
or perhaps I
howl, knowing nothing save
that I am, because I feel
which is, ignoring philosophies
of nothingness, enough for me

I am, scientist, poet, eater,
drinker, knower, lover
thinker
thinking
not knowing, but
believing

in laughter, a curse because
it is strong, sounds corrupt
as it curls away from my bitter tongue
like the smoke from a fire
that burned uncontrollably
through the night and in the morning
we awoke to the ash

consuming poison knowing
hoping that we may see
what our healthy, clear minds cannot
a world in which we comfortably
belong, can say “home”
and mean it wherever we stand

from your house at R’lyeh*, in
your tomb forever ensconceed
your laughter echoes and sours
the night which I call home
a gentle scorn upon my past
apocolyptic loves
destroying (or *******)
reason and care

the sober-now mind
completes the thoughts
of my past abstractions
calling me ever back
to the nights in which I was built

the air is cold
with the bitter
taste of chalk
and smoky smell
of chilled atmosphere
harsh Winter’s grip
not yet relinquished

your breath, defiant,
rushes into the world
nature’s still majesty
interrupted by clouds
the warmth of you
mocks the cold
of the sunless afternoon

I gaze into eyes that
rival the beauty
of the frigid blue sky
and my cheeks redden
with the sincerity
of my love for you

and death’s jealousy
is evident through
his vicious attacks
against

your body may break
but your soul is strong
and his power has no strength
against the Life within you

the shadow of the mountain grows long
and the image of a wave transfixed
holds my mind’s eye enthralled

the sweeping majesty of where nothing is
reminds me where I can find the truth
is not in the lights and sounds and tall
but in the small and quiet and hard to see

wilderness, the last frontier of silence
because even in space the song of the stars
keeps atoms company, but here, each
living creature must live in silence

live with the fear of hearing themselves
naked, without the clothing of others
without the mask of screaming cities
without the refuge of music and conversation

the days are hot and the nights take their revenge
but all is calm here, not even the rain
dares disturb the silence and grandeur
of the desert.

push

hard
and fast and

the tiny drop of
nausea in the pit
of my stomach

as I close my eyes
the world spins around
me, and I stay
still

completely unmoved
by my surroundings
completely without
emotion, lifeless
for a moment

and as the world
rushes back into me
like a cold wind
the familiar shiver
descends my spine
and the awe
of being
overwhelms me

again.

the idea of you
floats across my mind
like a dust mote
on a sunny day
drifting through the air
carelessly
unhurried
and every time I grasp for it
it swirls just out of reach
and this vision taunts me
your face hovering
so close, but infinitely
unreachable
because you, my love,
aren’t here

this page won’t coöperate
when I try to tell it
what it was like to sit
on the edge of such a vast abyss
with you by my side
talking, listening

I don’t think this ink can know
what it meant to me
every time I made you smile

when I lift my fingers from the keyboard
it so quickly forgets all the words
I’ve caressed into being in so many poems
this chunk of metal holds so many memories
so much of my life

the steel in my blood crying out
for the raw magnetism of the ocean
and the beauty of a pale moon on a warm horizon

and we sat together in the midst of a cloud
uncertainty and excitement made me shiver
but then there was you next to me
and I shivered a little bit less
we almost held hands for a moment
just as we got back to my car

the waves called my name
and you ran along with me
speaking to the ocean,
an old friend with many secrets,
I wanted to turn to you
to feel your face so close to mine
I wanted to gaze into your eyes
and speak your beauty
with a million tongues
I wanted to kiss you
and take your hand
but I was afraid

I, as in a dream
saw destruction fall
on cities, on homes,
spreading out across the waters

and I choked with fear
at the destruction of worlds

as death spread out
over the waves
I was surprised to find
that the water was not,
as I had imagined,
that of the ocean,
but only my tub
filled with water
ripples from a leaky faucet
heralding the ends of the earth