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The first thing I smelled was scorched iron,
Then I felt a thickness without eyes,
sickness from nowhere,
a curse waiting all these years.  

I was ****** not to find the source.
Lost like kings,
and vicious warriors
of long ago.

I could hear the world,
suddenly a bright symphony,
but I could not move.
My legs failed me,
they just wouldn’t work.
The sun low in the winter sky.

Morning passed,
and I thought so this is how it ends,
this is what becomes of me,
my ruin finally almost complete.

no one to mourn,
no one to care,
some to rejoice,
and I can’t blame them,
this is the end I deserve,
the end I earned.

My ruin crafted long ago,
decision by decision,
act by act,
a prophesy at last fulfilled.

I wish things would hurry now,
every second now eternal,
thousands of years.
Hurry now, hurry now,
hurry.
There are pieces of torn tissue scattered around the bedroom.
A head board; the head to a nonexistent bed frame
askew in the corner.
The afternoon sun is brilliant for December,
unusually warm for these parts.
I am standing in the suns reflected haze,
such strange bedfellows these past few days.
My ragged soul speaks to me:
"There is nothing here for you anymore."
A death, silent and shocking, mocks me.
I am doing my leaving Las Vegas thing,
to try and turn it all off.
My body speaks in a foreign tongue:
"There is nothing here for you anymore."
I am not well.
It’s a long way off,
breaking the cycle, of this despondent spell.
My bitter anguish screams:
"There is nothing here for you anymore."
So it seems,
your lies, intricate, exacting, told well,
are truly a perfect product.
Every fiber of my broken being screams:
"There is nothing here for you anymore."
Why can't I bring myself to leave?
Well this is what I know,
I have things appear,
I don’t remember conjuring.
You would think after all these years,
these ghost would weary of
tearing scraps off my old bones.
"You really are, I mean there is no other rational explanation.”
Of course I wasn't having any of this.
“Your crazy” I snapped annoyed.
“Everybody knows
when you are totally ******* insane, you don’t realize your insane.
You don’t sit around contemplating, your insanity, dissecting it like a minuscule insect,
trying to find the heart of the matter.”
Just the fact your considering your slow-bus status
makes you sane right?”
She just shook her head.
I sat silent... ******.
These days, I am starting to rethink my whole position.
Maybe if you wonder if you are insane, there is a chance you may be.
I don’t mean a little crazy... manic... I mean batshit crazy.
Insanity is your job.
The labor of your days is the
knitting of intricate webs of delusion,
crafting your own personal hell,
making ready your eternal cell.
She text at 4 a.m.
A long forgotten lover,
sending scrambled messages
from beneath.

She is probably drunk,
yet still, my heart is fraught
with worry and uncertainty.

I wish I could transmute my feelings,
eradicate her shadows,
forget she existed at all.

Sadly I can’t.
Her ghost clings to me
like a second skin
rising, her reflection
only serves to
color and confuse me.

Why can’t I forget?
Why is she still a part of me?

Nagging unanswered questions
walking in the deep.

Yes, she is
a haunted memory,
slowly draining me.
"Quiet... Quiet... Listen up!"
"Quiet, quiet, gather round... silence please."

"Raise your drinks and join me!"
“Another round, all around, **** it!”
“A toast for all forgotten souls, we once called friends.”
"Raise your glasses half born souls.
Your hearts are sunken anvils,
brocading non-stop static,
with  smashed lime rinds at the core.
You who are isolated by falling avalanches of pulverized melting cubes,
contained by a lonely, stained, cocktail glass.
We all come here to escape our pain,
to numb it, and rearrange it,
to tell stories, to those who will listen.
Stories, about how unfair life is.
Stories about how one time, we almost found true love.
To hover alone in a numb state of remorse and baffled shock,
To be stuck, unable to move, held prisoner by that mean *******
Fear.
To present to others a daily expression that declares helplessness, confusion, and shock.
And on rare good days,  reveal glimpses of a haggard beauty, long since expired.
This space is our space.
A room of sorrow, lead tears and the living dead.
A collection of the remaining shells of veterans dismembered by  personal wars,
Now mockingly Inhabited by those, who couldn’t survive them,
but still, somehow failed to die.
They failed to die,
still, I am certain,
they wanted to die with all their heart.
So in their memory, let's lift a glass, and our broken spirits,
to celebrate and remember those we have lost unnecessarily
"To the living dead!"
"To the living dead!"
"Three cheers for the living dead!"
"The living dead!"
"The living dead!"
"The living dead!"
"May they rest in peace!"
And now finally:
Bow your heads for one last  moment of silence,
before one final round,
of  the failure all around.
.Amen!
When I got the call,
I was busy,
distracted,
half listening.
That ended real quick.
I tried to focus,
on what you leaving me
really meant.
I tried to conceive of you not existing,
but I lacked the imagination for that.
No matter, your exit was real,
just not to me.
Over and over,
I kept catching myself,
talking to myself:
“wait until I tell him.”
Only now,
there was no one to tell.
No one to ask,
what should I do?
No sympathetic ear to bend.
No soul to inspire and ground mine.
That is over.
Now it is after,
before is no more.
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