mr moonlight
mr nowhere
maxwell edison
mr jones

dr robert
sgt pepper
mr kite, bb king
edgar allen poe

walter raleigh
mat busby
the hendersons
and maggie mae

mr mustard
captain marvel
rita lucy jojo
vera chuck and dave

mother nature
polethene pam
mr heath doris day
and buffalo bill

loretta martin
**** sadie
hey jude eggman
my michelle

rigby            and pilchard
or elenor      and semolina
took father  mckenzie
too see a dancing horse

henry       his name was
rocky       raccoon was there
prudence rode elephant
to the i me mine waltz
---
There gonna crucify me
the way things go
christ it aint easy
the next day dont know

you know the walrus was paul man
johns bird can sing
george was a genie
ringo wore a ring

but paul is dead now
george stole his soul
john is alive though
ringos in a hole

her royal highness the tax man
commit the perfect crime
she asked for more
with a belly full of wine

--------------
Just bought a new back wheel
For my tall and sturdy bike
And riding back from a party
I got hit by a big white truck

I was cycling by the curb
A truck came zooming up
I had the space of a meter or more
But quickly the space diminished

Suddenly I felt it
A crunching of the wheel
I shouted in anglo-saxon
Wehey! As I leapt from the speeding frame

I fell into a running roll
And stood straight up and turned around
My bike was laying flat
The back wheel sadly spinning.

I wrung my hands and giggled
And looked about in awe.
The people that saw this happen
Came up and shook their heads

Are you alright? I cant believe what happened.
I didn’t catch his number plate
What a ******* crazy driver
Are you sure you are alright?

A gay irish man was there
You uttured a cry he said
And then flew from your bike
Like a… like a… a ballerina

I forced the wheel back into place
So it was was sort of fit to roll
The chain and gears were gnarled
So I couldn’t exactly ride

On the way two foreign drunks
Looked and spoke about my bike
Autobus smash, I said
Ohhhhhh they said

Finally arriving near finsbury
A man who was cycling past
Said do you need some help?
I said yes please I got run over by a truck

What I can do, said thomas from hungary
Or what we can do
Is take a length of chain out
So at least you can get home

Ok yes please I said
And he bent down and used his little tools
And got his hands all oily black
And made me a fixed gear bike

Now your bike is a fixie bike
So im afraid you cant change the gears
Like my fixie bike, he said
Thanks hungarian dude

There's a boat,
there's a boat
in the middle of the road
in a massive traffic jam
rolling after some old van

i can tell
from the look
that shes trying to float away
that shes hungry for the seas
that shes sniffing in the breeze

and this boat,
she could float
but she leaked a little bit
she was leaky full of holes
full of smoke and alcohol

she was white
she was shiny
with a crooked timber deck
with a crows nest full of crows
with six cannon lined in rows

on the sea
in a storm
she keeps sailing on and on
sometimes sunk beneath a splash
drunken boat and acting rash

Our dad, who lives in heaven,
your name is holy.
Christianity everywhere
we'll try to achieve it
we'll try to make earth seem like heaven.
Now let's eat the bread we eat everyday.
sorry about trespassing,
i won't punish anyone for trespassing either.
But don't tempt me,
just stop me from doing bad.
its your kingdom, after all,
you always get the power,
you always get the glory,
every time.

A  man.

From your old calloused hand
To the last living strand
Of hair that sprouts feebly
Like black sunbaked seaweed

With earlobes enourmous
And eyeballs a-milky
These wrinkles put dimples
all over your flesh crawling

in mongst the shadows
Of large concrete buildings
And root in the gutter
For edible matter which is

Torn in your hands by
Pain-quaking fingers
And prodded and poked
Into toothless dark places

Where bleeding black gums
Weary of smiling
pound out the mixture
Into acid bile.

I pity the monster
That crawls from your lips
When your life is no longer
And your tongue is for eating

I pity the blackbird
To peck out your eyes
That eyelids unmoving
Cant shield from the dangers

I met an young gal with a nice set of ears and
she liked all my music but bored of my tears
She put on a show of charm and good will,
i took it from there to be going down hill

she told me my doodles were epic
and i was pleased,
i told her i liked her a lot
and she was cheesed.
i saw her one day at a show
and she was surprised
i sat down beside her and touched
my thigh to her thigh

i told her i knew shed be here
i saw it online
she looked at me strange like a freak
biding her time
finally time to go home
i said goodbye
she smiled it was like we were alone
then said goodbye.

As i went walking one night to the graveyard,
I met an old caffeine head walking my way.
I told him quite gently but with undue emotion,
I will boulder on through him and leave him to lay.
He screamed at me slowly for fifteen long minutes,
I stood there and bore it, my eyes on his shoe.
He screamed of the mischief, the sadness and spirit,
I re plied at random,  then bouldered on through.

Alarm at 9:30, wake up at 8:30, stretch in bed, go downstairs to kitchen, make omelette, give a quater to a freind, eat the rest, alarm goes off, cycle in to uni, shuffle the word order of an essay, print it, muck around, go to the bar, glance at a man giggling to himself, smoke a dovetail, go back in, slice an orange, eat it then, go through, the print out, crossing ****, out, Daniel walks up, hey hows it going, fast talking scurry walking you know what i mean man, he starts up, ive heard this one before... i havent drunk for 3 years, now i just smoke ****, cos i always smoke it,  got a girlfriend? I had a girlfriend, she was my best friend, then she went crazy though, made me insany, i said to her listen:
im thirty its simple you with me or no?
You stay or you go? Is that simple or no?
This was a while ago, she said i dunno, i felt mad as mud, and i came to the bar, just human beings, and there was my girl, with a korean! I smiled in surprise, he switched up the convo, you had a girl, well did you like her?
I stopped him right there, im going for a ****, dont mean to diss,
ok he said bye,
and walked through the door,
of him we'll say no more.
I got to the ******, a sense of achievement, sense of a glorified victory for me, i fumbled my fly, which was hooked with a paperclip, which was bent round the button, to stop from fly diving, and as this was happening my eyesight went whitey i tingled my fingers, i staggered aboutey, my foots were a-wobbling inside of my shoe, my knees were a-jiving to knee-jiggler tune, i flopped on my bag on the back of my back, twitched and i break-danced until my foot tore loose, and suddenly a boot, an invisible boot, and invisible foot, and invisible man, kicked me my jaw, and back snapped my neck, left me there sprawled. cripped by pain, blinded by white, starved of control, but over at last, i hobbled back out, morosely sat down, high brows of eyes, did you goosey gander, oh my Amanda, he looked like a mortal
when he went in
but then he came out
limping with sin
that boy was me, i met with a girl, and cycled back home, certain my tendons, were torn off the bone, i told her i fainted in the toilet and fought with an invisible man, she said can you be normal for once and tell me wagwan, why were you painting the toilet, and who was the man, i told her again that i fainted not painted, and she looked confused. i lost my essay, and im wearing glasses and your saying nothing, except nonsense and nothing, i told her id noticed her glasses but had seen no essay, as she let me go she kissed me but i asked for a hug, a hugs more important if youre stuck in the mud, i went to my house and told all my flatfriends the truth, why my foot hurts and my disturbance of duelling that man, they acted surprised and then went to bed, i made i some tea, and then spent the rest of the night smoking down my confusion.
Healing gently but still some weak patches


it rained then shone then hailed then snowed
and she'd forgot her coat
and it poured on her throat
later passed the day
and we cycled back northways
carlights lamps and moon hit your face
smiling with your long as a boot-face
hail-bones sparkly white as toothpaste
england is a sock and we live in a bootlace

her 'guy' lived with her
so she came round early arva-,
i accidentally injected her
with a deadly kind of larvae.
she went to a farmer-cist
to get an antidote,
a little white little pea that
went floating down her throat.
merrily merrily merrily merrily,
right under the belly
it knocked the nest out from the tree
and stamp the eggs to jelly

mama pigeon was away
magpie made jelly-egg
stampy stampy crush crush
heavy evil mag-leg

I n   t h e   m o r n i n g ,   i   j u m p   o u t   o f   b e d
i t s   a   f u n n y   t i m e   f o r   m e
b r e a k   t h e   b r a n d   n e w   d a y   a c r o s s   m y   c h e s t
j i n g l e   t h e   b e l l   f o r   a   c u p   o f   t e a

i   l a y   b a c k   a n d   r e a d   s o m e   o f   a   b o o k
t u r n   t h e   p a g e s   l a z i l y
l i s t e n   t o   t h e   s o n g   i   w a n t   t o   h e a r
g o   a b o u t   m y   t e a   w i t h   c a r e

b y   t h e   l u n c h   h o u r   i   h a v e   s a t   a r o u n d
l i t t l e   j o u r n e y s   h e r e   a n d   t h e r e
f o o d   i s   m a d e   w i t h   p l e n t y   l e f t   t o   s h a r e
w i n e   a n d   o t h e r   g o o d   t h i n g s   t o o

w h a t   a   p l e a s a n t   t i m e   o f   y e a r ,   b y   j o v e
t h e   s k y   i s   s i n g i n g   o u t   f o r   j o y
t h u n d e r i n g   t y p h o o n s

l i t t l e   m a r b l e s   r o l l i n g   o n   t h e   f l o o r
w e   a r e   l o o s i n g   t h e m   w i t h   g l e e

o h   w h a t   a   l o v e l y   d a y
w h a t   a   l o v e l y   d a y   i t   i s   t o d a y


o h   w h a t   a   l o v e l y   w a r
w h a t   a   l o v e l y   w a r   t o d a y
w h a t   a   l o v e l y   s m e l l
s m e l l   o f   f i r e c r a c k e r s   i n   t h e   h a y

@ a cristian @ a catholic @ an all round ruddy good athlete. @ herd roast beef @ herd mutton. @ i used to lead the pork and dairy through the fields of cotton. @ wear football socks and wellingtons and fleeces and march to the top of the old south downs. @ make a jump jet from bits of old pieces @ act a goat or a hero or a clown. @ do front flips straight from the backflip @ sing who put the dog with the cat fish @ say ship! Take the P add a T @ break the day with a bowl of muesli. @ play snake if my mate had a phone, but playing with others isnt always better than playing
alone.

@ like films made for kids my age, glamourised ideas of aristocracy and faith. The good will win and the bad will be sad and the age of the raging mad will begin, its a fad! @ wear jean jackets, go to the parties @ have fanta and chocolate log rushing through the arteries. @ chew through books faster than a vulture, faster than the fastest man at the height of zombie culture. @ play football everyday football winter time football, dont need sun. And then we play cricket. 40 legs of cricket. 3 days later im counting up the runs

P i c t u r e   y o u r s e l f   o n   a   b i k e   o n   a   r i v e r
w i t h   n o o d l e d   a   s t o m a c h
a n d   y e l l o w   b l a c k   s k i e s
s o m e b o d y   s i n g s   a n d   y o u  
t h a n k   t h e m   f o r   t h i n k i n g
t h e   m a n   w i t h   t h e   i c i c l e   e y e s

p l a n k s   o n   t h e   r i v e r   o f   w h i t e   a n d   g r e e n   i c e
t e e t e r i n g   u n d e r   y o u r   l e g s
l o o k   t o   t h e   m a n   w i t h   t h e   w a r n i n g   o f   d e a t h
a n d   h e s   f i s h i n g

i   s e e   i n   t h e   i c y   d i a m o n d
i   s e e   i n   t h e   i c y   d i a m o n d
i   s e e   i n   t h e   i c y   d i a m o n d
a a a a a h

f o l l o w   h i s   c a u t i o n   a n d   c y c l e   t o   b a n k s i d e
w h e r e   f i n g e r   l o n g   f i s h
e a t   m a g g o t y   s p i e s
e v e r y o n e   s t a r e s   a s   y o u   r i d e   b y   t h e   w a y   s i d e
y o u r   n o s e   i s   i n c r e d i b l y   h i g h

m u c u s   s k i n   t a x i s   a p p e a r   o n   t h e   f l o o r
r u s h i n g   t o   t a k e   y o u   a w a y
s p i n n i n g   a   b r a n d - n e w   g u i t a r   i n   y o u r   h a n d s   a n d   y o u r   g o n e

i   c
i   c
i   c
a a a h

p i c t u r e   y o u r s e l f   i n   a   p u b   i n   a   s t a t e   a n d
t h e   w a i t e r s   a r e   w a i t i n g   f o r   e a g l e s   t o   s i n g
s u d d e n l y   s o m e o n e   r e m e m b e r s   t h e   f u t u r e
t h e   m a n   w i t h   t h e   i c i c l e   e y e s

i   c
i   c
i   c  
a a a h


   set to the tune of lucy in the sky with diamonds
** unconventional descriptions aside, its all true. [set in China]

Probably just a man with his gloves on backwards
Darkwood doves in his outercoat pocket
figs and fossils hanging off his earlobes
silky cigarette smoke scooting up his fingers

got a moody mad eye and he knows how to use it
when he gets a brain block,
he breaks it with a breeze block
nudges out mice and shrews from his foot box
fixes up his old bow-tie for the foxtrot
there gonna see his burnt out knees and elbows
easy to fix though, with a bit of Velcro

I'm as loud as I am blue
I'm as far as I am short
I am children in the window
Not as blameless as I thought

The newspaper tells me one thing
Then a mouth will tell me another
A simple idea occurs to me
Put one inside of the other

-The wind was seething, heavy.
-After waking, and gazing at the pummelled window
-I pulled my patchwork desert gear into a bag.
-I borrowed some sandals, a bike,
and ate a healthy bowl of noodle.
-Then peddled scowling at the wind.

-In the town, in the open maze of buildings,
-The sands were kept at bay.
-But i rode out. North and west and then south after a bit.
-I pushed through the stinging screaming,
-Past great shallow rivers, dust roads, donkey carts, snipped and snatched dialogues.

-A cloth cap pulled low
-Sunglasses
-A palistinian checkered scarf

-On the night bus out
-We stop and i leap out for a spliff and to relieve myself
-The night wind so much more terrible
-It bit down stubbornly (i'd stupidly left my desert gear on the little bed.)
-And pellets of rain added mockery to the situation.
-The line of shiverers excited to get back on the bus is slow and quivering
-So i let the cold become a numb cool
-So as to stand it
-And when the doorway appears to me in a dark warm glow
-I leap again; this time in,
-Then dig myself deep in the cosy alcove.
-Just then, my brain slowly/grinningly explodes.
-The short little fat man across from me
-is a picture of pleasantry.

F r e s h e s t   o f   w i n d s ,   t i n g l i n g   s k i n ,  
h a i r  i s  b e i n g   s p a t   o u t   a n d   s w a l l o w e d   b a c k   i n

w i n d - w a t e r   c r y   f r o m   t h e   s m a l l   o f   t h e   e y e
t e a r   f r o m   t h e   t e a r - d u c t   s t r e a m s   t o   t h e   e a r

b l o o d b l i s t e r   l i p s ,   f i n g e r l e s s   f i n g e r t i p s
t h e   c r e a t u r e   t h e   c o l d   i s ,   l a u g h s   a s   i t   w h i p s

a   n u g g e t   o f   w a r m   i n   t h e   p i t   o f   t h e   a r m
d i g   d o w n   i n t o   i t   a n d   s m o t h e r   t h e   p a l m

I see the clouds a-coming
they're coming overhead
and i wont see the sunshine till
i dunno when
i'm stuck in Penton prison
life is rolling on

look at all the sun folks
lolling by and by
they're probably drinking lager
and smoking to get high

the whistling wind surrounds me
i break a smile and cry

Iym onna mishon forra gerl
krossing China jus to si her
ona slo chrayn going west
krossing mouwntins in my kot.

Shis onna mishon for tha boi
fly eirchina for to si mi
bundling legings inna bag
wot to bring and wot to not

bring your person bring your boots
spanix boots and spanix wyn
put your bodi in this plays
taiwan boox and qinese wyn

i wil sit heer lyk an ox
wayting unda shaydi tri
wayting hyuman wil tu find me
pat my **** and skweez my ni

qyneez wyn
qyneez wyn
wyn in qyneez
qyneez wyn

pump my rat and wyn qyneez
shaydi tri with pengyou lao
thingking hyuman tu gud tu mi
wy *** look for stinki kao

a fistfull
a bucket full
a well full of dollars
take it from a building that is
well full of scholars

indiana curry
is very helpful
i ate it in a hurry
and now im well full

forceful
hateful
liverpool joe
trying to get a story straight for
doctor Foe

rightful
wrongful
bedford simone
you ate your mam on friday
and now youre all alone

Sometimes i'm henry and sometimes i'm jim,
and sometimes i'm insane and sometimes i'm in-
and some people think so of that what ive got;
that sometimes i'm crazy and sometimes i plot to be not

Only Steve McQueen is Clean
And He's not All That Clean at That

Spanish influenza
walking pneumonia
icepick headache
common cold
whooping cough
Diabetes
anorexia
getting old

flat foot
bad back
heel spur
heart attack
spasticus
autisticus
tongue tied
amb(i)dextrous

my weakness
is my forte
my sickness is  my skill
my illness
is my realness
it makes my life a thrill

Trying to fight this
bronchitis
gangrene
runny nose
frostbite
tooth decay
hat hair
broken bones

bed bound
shell-shocked
flea ridden
sinusitis
cholera
dropsy
eliphantitis
out-all-nightis

wom­b fever
winter fever
black water fever
remitting fever
ship fever
jail fever
camp fever
or schizophrenia

scarlet fever
tuberculosis
American plague
rock n roll
Wheezing
Paralysed
Got gas
In both holes

rabies
scabies
rickets
and SARS
man flu
bird flu
swine flew
from Mars

multiple sclerosis
tennis elbow-sis
stomach ulcers
and leukaemia
night blindness
hypothermia
lung cancer
sickle-cell anaemia

French pox
Lockjaw
Polio
Gout
Nostalgia
Dropsy
Knocked right
Out

Stuttering
Bellyacher
Anti-social
Leprosy
Sleep walker
Sleep talker
Absent minded
OCD

Tourettes, ****
Pyromania
tonsillitis
Conjunctivitis
Food poisoned!
Warted over
My Psoriasis
(Will I survive this?)

Measles
Malaria
Meningitis
Migraine
Scrum-pox
Worm fit
Water on
the brain

apparitions
seeing things
rattly chest
bad breath
la duzi
tormentation
inflammation
black death

measles
malaria
migrane
mumps
leprosy
lice and
leg bone
lumps

kleptomania
bubonic plague
black *****
feeling ****
bone shave
falling sickness
wanna stop
just cant quit

Huntington's and
Parkingson's and
Hare-lipped
Hay fever
Typhoid fever
Glandular fever
Night fever
And Hysteria

intellectual
dyslexia
dysfunctional
family
cancer crab
stillborn twin
bad blood
epilepsy

Parking spot
disabilities
all the wounds in
all the militaries
pity thee with
lost agility
lost babes or
infertility

ear infection
starvation
Hepatitis
E to A
smallpox
chicken pox
cow pox
what a day

tuberculosis
stuttering
panic stricken
star struck
scurvy
shingles
headless chicken
bad luck


paranoid
in the void
premature
*******
stomach ulcers
feeble pulses
chronicled
*******

autistic
gallstones
double-jointe­d
wrists and knees
consumption
bad digestion
quinsy palsy
ticks and fleas

amnesia
typhus
amnesia
heart failure
radiation
cholera
amnesia
bad behaviour

Hypochondriac?
By gosh, no!
Poorly are ye?
‘Fraid so.


nostalgia
        suffer me
wanderlust
suffer me
insomnia
suffer me
loneliness
let me be



god
complex
mother
complex
father
complex
ego
complex

­

its complicated
im superior
its complicated
im inferior
its complicated
im a short man
got ingrown hairs
got a bad tan



im suffering
ocd
im suffering
obesity
im suffering
jealousy
xenophobia
and nosebleeds



stokholm
syndrome
toxic shock
syndrome
got it down
syndrome
irritable bowel
syndrome

yellow nail
syndrome
stevens-johnson
syndrome
restless leg
syndrome
shoulder-hand
syndrome

lambert-eaton
syndrome
mi­ddle-lobe
syndrome
mobius
syndrome
pickwickian
syndrome

post rubella
syndrome
riley day
syndrome
straight back
syndrome
ulysess
syndrome



alcoholics
we are prone
drug addicts
we are prone
mind benders
we are prone
fortune spenders
we are prone



My illness, my illness
My illness is my realness

*Pick it up
Tide it over
Fight it off or
Cave in

Save it
Suffer it
Pass it on
When its Raining

bleed him
restrain him
shave his
head

he went from being
quite well
to being quite
dead.

oh the average duke of sussex
he had 2000 soldiers
he marched them up to the top of the downs then rolled them down like boulders

and when they were here they were here
and when they were there they were there
and when they hit the barbed-wire fence they were neither here nor there

and when they were up they were up (in heaven)
and when they were down they were down (in hell)
and when they were only half way up
we called that life on earth

through forests and fogs
through thickets and thin
i trek through the country
to get to the din

but when i get to the club
they wont ever let me in
i take the wrong drug
and i dont want to sing

for my supper or a beer
from a big bouncer ****
and i dont know where to go
once ive got inside the club.

Some get in and go sit down
and some go straight to the bar buy a round
and some take their coats off and some do not
and some move their feet as if the floor is too hot
those with their feelers on the girls dont stop
and their feet and their mouths and their eyes move a lot

on a soft dark sofa in the corner of the room
a drink and his man are buried in the gloom
nurse it, slurp it, swiggin it, sippin it
rock it, slop it, drink it down.

he worked all week and no one likes that
so he drank all the beer in the fridge and fed the cat
and the night fell down and the wind whipped up
in a nice new clean cut shirt he left the flat
lager in his arteries and sorrow on the brain
if his work makes him insane then he’s losing at the game
dance drink chat **** feel less sane.

politics, passion, religion and god
i just need what the next man's got

give me a community so i can be a communist
give me the capital so i can be a capitalist
im not     optimistic
and im not   pessimistic
ill sum it all ip
im just a mystic

In trying to speak the truth,
I spat out half a tooth.
If it weren't for broken teeth,
I'd never be friends with Keith.