I don't believe in God
But if I killed myself
Do you think I could still get into Heaven?

I never harmed anybody
I never did a thing
You called me a saint once
Said that I saved you

I am already stuck in Limbo
But if I killed myself
Would it still be a sin?

I ****** a ******* Valentine's night
She asked me to put on my favorite song.

I played something called “Leave Before The Lights Come On”

She asked if I would leave in the morning
I told her I would still be there.

I told her I loved her as I fell asleep.

She was gone when I woke up.

Dirt trail to the left of the parking lot
An area of cars sitting while their owners visit the dead at the cemetery to the right
Dusk is upon us as the parking lot is empty
We hop a small fence and walk that trail
Over brambles of spiny plants just as dead as the bodies behind us
Amidst all of that I find a single sunflower stalk with its flower as bright as day
I cut it down and take it with me

I found a carnation placed so gently on the lid of my recycling bin
How could I resist not taking it
It belonged to no one
Left out in the cold to slowly wither
I picked it up and brought it into my home
It sits on my dining room table in a glass coke bottle
How fitting that such a flower found in the trash be held in trash.

Sitting alone at a coffee shop at 10pm when you have nothing else to do is an awfully boring thing. All you do is order a coffee that's too hot to drink right away and just let it sit for awhile untouched. All you do is chain smoke your brand new pack of cigarettes you bought with the lighter you had to walk back to the store to buy because you thought you already had one. You don't even know how long is worth staying there, till you finish your drink? Till you run out of smokes? Or until it closes?
Sitting alone at a coffee shop at 10pm when you have nothing else to do is awful, especially when you realized you finished writing this at 9:58.

This alcohol fueled rampage of both love and hate kills me inside
It’s like no matter what I do I always end here
A drunken stupor of thought both good and bad
Usually just bad
Regardless of what I do I always end here
I can try to change my ways
I have in fact
But I still ended here
On my knees, on my side, curled into a ball;
A sobbing mess
A sobbing mess whose happiness could be temporarily found at the bottom of a bottle
But as I throw that bottle against the wall, shattering its exterior as my interior has as well
I wallow in my own self pity.

Can’t I just run away?
Run away to you
Hide in your room
Either under your covers or the piles of clothing you leave everywhere

Can’t I just run away?
Be with you
Among the mess and clutter you call home

We could just sit and talk
Or I could hold you

We could create our own reality
One in which we live in the war zone of our love
Fighting everyone else as they are our enemy, trying to keep us apart

Step by step I head closer to the water
I look upon its vastness with great despair
Each step I take brings me closer to my death
I taste the salty brine of the ocean’s air
I can hear the crashing of its waves
The water rushes past my feet
It’s cold enough that it makes it not feel like summer
Another wave passes me by this time I was ready for it

I walk deeper into the water
It feels like it’s been hours since I started but it’s been only minutes
I’m waist level now
The brisk water flows past me
The sun is setting
I want to go further but know if I do I won’t come back

Pray for my veins as I slice them so carefully
Skill like a surgeon as my cuts are so precise
Let the liquid flow from my arms
Just like the tears that drop from my eyes
I put down the blade, and wrap myself up
Tell myself it’s the last time
That I’m done
I know I lied to myself that night
For every other night I do the same thing
I guess I feel as if I open myself up the thing that hurts most will leave

And no amount of alcohol can make me forget the way it was to hold you
I still can’t bear the fact you’re gone, it’s been two months and two weeks
Two months and two weeks of total hell
Two months and two weeks of me hating myself
I made a promise to my friend that I wouldn’t drink away my problems anymore
I’m finding it hard to cope with the day to day activities as this and that just constantly reminds me of you
It’s been two months and two weeks of feeling dead
But before that it was two years of feeling like I could take on the world
It’s been two months and two weeks since we ended it and no amount of alcohol can make me forget the way it was to hold you

That punk rock girl with that dip-dyed hair
Standing around, her skin so fair
Smoking that cigarette she stole from her friend
After all, it won't **** her till the end

That punk rock girl with that dip-dyed hair
She looks at me with love and care
She thinks I don't notice the twinkle in her eye
I do, but say nothing, I just stand back and sigh

That punk rock girl with that dip-dyed hair
Standing around, her skin so fair
Breathing in the cancer she stole from her friend
After all, death is just around the bend.

You know that feeling you get when you try to do something
Just anything really
But you make one little slip up and you suddenly feel like your dying

Even though that one little slip was so minor that no one would care
You think to yourself, “oh god I ****** up, I ****** it all up”

Well that’s how I feel all the time
There’s no real way to stop it

You know that feeling you get when you try to do something
Again, just anything really
But you have another little slip up and you really start to feel like your dying

That slip may have meant nothing to anyone
Or they said it’s okay
But you think to yourself “Why did I even try why why why”

You think, “I hate myself, I hate this, I hate that”

There are a few ways to stop it, but they aren’t very good.
I’ll just quit while I’m ahead before I put you all in a bad mood.

I just wanted to say
Well that’s how I feel
How I feel all the time

Let’s take a drink
Or two or three
Let’s take a few more
So I can barely see
I look around the house, you aren’t there

She grabs my hand I don’t know her name, she probably doesn’t know mine either
She leads me away and closes the door
Later on I’ll forget
I’ll wake up on the floor
Just full of regret

Let’s take a pill
or three or four
It’s not enough to ****
Oh **** it let’s just take more

If you can’t tell I’m out of my head
Dear God I can’t stand the way I am anymore
At some points I’d much rather be dead

Just.. Just tell me you love me
Tell me you care
I'll flush the pills, and not another drink
I, for one, think that's fair

You're better than death, for that I know
I searched that house or just a hope
Just a reason for me to go

I found one but she hasn't found me

I know we have our bad days
But you’re more addictive than ******* crystal ****
I don’t really show that I care
But I still love you to death

I know we had another fight and I left
But honestly I’d rather sever my wrists than sever my ties to you
You truly mean so much to me that it just breaks me
I really don’t know what to do

It’s okay if we’re over
Just please still let’s be friends
I’ll stop ******* up
I’m just trying to have this mend

Just like I said
You mean a whole lot to me
I’m just so bad at showing it
That I know that you rather I let you be

I can’t believe I have made it this far
Whether it be by blade, bridge, pill, or by car
I’ve had so many chances

I’m still here, but not for long
I can feel my pulse and it’s beating faintly like a song
Like when the person nearby has their earphones on, how you can barely hear it
I've had so many chances

That song, my pulse, it’s so faint at this point
It’s so difficult to live when all you do is disappoint
I’ve had so many chances

Yet look at me still going
Forging on into the unknowing
Taking it on, bit by bit
I’ve had so many chances

I can’t stand it when you’re near
I’m sitting down and you’re just here
I’m in constant fear
Constant fear of you

You’ve harmed me once
Threatened me twice
And yet I apologize to you

This isn’t right
Why can’t I feel safe in my own home
This place used to be bright
Cheery

Now I sit in this corner
This corner of fear
Constant fear

Why can’t you just get out of here
Why can’t I?

This city
So large
Yet so small

This city
Lost in a moment
Yet found the next

This city
This place I call home
This *****, ratty, lovely place I call home

I am confused,
So,
Very,
Confused.

I am lost,
So,
Very,
Lost.

I am alone,
So,
Very,
Alone...

I am on a downward spiral,
A downward spiral into nothing,
Nothing,
What,
So,
Ever.

I am unable to do this,
I just am,
I’m just not.

I don’t even remember a time,
Any time,
I just don’t.

I am confused,
So,
Very,
Confused.

As time keeps on ticking by and by,
I hold you in my arms as a mother would her child,
I can’t help but notice a twinkle in your eye,
I know not what thoughts race through that mind of yours,

Tick tock goes the clock beating past the seconds,

Tick-
I swear for the briefest moment time stands still,
I exhale,
-Tock

Tick-
I inhale, still holding tight,
We’re in bed together for one last night,
-Tock

Tick-
I can’t keep the time from passing through,
-Tock

Tick-
I give in,
I’m waiting; just for a moment,
It could be another second or a lifetime,
I just don’t want this moment to end,
-Tock

I thought I knew you, thought you tried, thought you loved me,
But who was I?
Who was I that was to be found, to be loved by someone like you,
Who was I?
I was broken,
I was used,
Turns out I still am, by the likes of you.

But who are you?
Who are you to tell me this, tell me that,
Tell me I can or cannot,
You hold me close, then just throw me afar,
I’m sick,
Just sick,
Sick of *******, sick of lies, sick of your ******* perfect guise.

I hate you so, I really do,
I swore to myself that I was through,
I swore, even though I knew, that I would just come back,
Come back to you,
You said you loved me,
Said it was true,
I said I did too,
I knew it was you,
Knew you were the one,
But you just got up and left,
Said you were done.

I fell apart,
I couldn’t take the fact that you tore my heart,
So I tore myself,
I tore myself wide open,
I made myself hurt,
Like you hurt me, but more physical,
I was in a denial,
I couldn’t handle what had happened,
I cut, I cried, but worst of all, I died,
I died,
Not in the literal sense of course,
But none the less, I died.

Then you came back,
Oh did you come back,
With your apologies, and your sweet loving embrace,
I couldn’t help it, my heart did start to race,
I felt that love, that passion, that fire,
My need for you was terribly dire,
I accepted your apology,
I didn’t think twice,
Then you did it again, but not so nice.

I couldn’t believe it happened again,
But now, thinking back on it now and then,
I realized you were to blame, not me,
You were to blame, for all the shame,
I did nothing wrong,
You were the one with the mental disorder,
Leaving scars and such all over,
You never physically hit me, but all the same,
You hit me where it hurts, all the emotional pain,
You said so many things, and you besmirched my name,
I knew that things would never be the same.

The cuts healed over, and so did all the other wounds,
My self-inflicted ones of course, not the ones from you,
I don’t know why you did this,
I still don’t to this day,
You came into my life, and left just like that,
You loved me then hated me at the drop of a hat,
I couldn’t stand it, apparently neither could you,
You just left me broken,
You left me without you.