The gay men can't keep secrets.
The ****** hurt my feelings.
Fast woman are great for a night,
but putting more effort into  
them than that can leave a man's
heart pulverized and his mind paranoid.
Jesus was right about one thing
“Leave her alone.”
My friends help me out a whole lot
but I get the feeling I always let them down.
Older folks always want to discuss
politics, but what do they have to say?
They haven't worked in years.
Stare down the loaded gun of management
or do your best to fill out the confusing
scroll they call an online application  
and tell me that things used to be done this way.
Dogs are kind to me, just like waitresses
but just like waitresses, don't they have to be?
I'd love a cat but I'm allergic.  **** it.
I'm getting a gold fish.

I was in love once.
She was a young blonde.
Actually she was a baby.
Yeah she was a baby
rattlesnake.
We used to lay on hot
rocks coiled and content.
We even had dreams of
leaving the swamp,
Getting a nice place
in New Mexico
so we could be
closer to the birds.
It was silly,
but day after day
I would count her
diamonds and she would
shake that tiny rattle
warning me that if
I ever left I would regret
it for the rest of my life.
I bit her one day just to
see what would happen.  
Well she bit back.
She did not let go.
For a long while.
when she did I dripped  
profusely and I screamed.
“Baby, baby!
Look what you've done!”
It has been over a year now
and every morning I hang
my arm over the bathroom sink
and squeeze at my plumpest vain.
I still can't get that **** out.

A man may be a father
but that child may not  
be what saves his life.
A man can have nine women
(lord help him)
but that does not make him God.  
Men can have many things  
but you do not save them
by teaching political correctness
Or passively scolding him
For trying to survive
in a world
He does not live in.
Men are saved by strong cups
of coffee, clean shirts, and when
a woman says “yes that'll be fine.”
Men do not stay alive on
tips you read in magazines.
A man's soul is measured  
by the exciting explosions
that start in his heart
and end in his *****.  
Not the other way around.