-Joelena Saldana
7/8/14
Loneliness... One of my biggest fears and yet easiest thing to talk about. The feeling of no one knowing what you're going through. Not wanting anyone to know what your going though. Having the feeling that no one will understand, knowing that no one will want to understand. It feels like time goes on while you stand still, watching the world like a movie. Everything and everyone has a color. I'm a gray. People have those happy moments: excitement; butterflies in their stomach... It feels like forever since I've had that. All I've been doing is pushing people out and away. Not wanting anyone to know what I'm going through ,because I'm so miserable. Missing them, wanting them wishing I was still there with them. I don't want them to know how I feel. I don't want people to pity me. I don't need it. I don't wish it. I don't deserve it. I've had enough of it. Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to.. Someone to hold us. I don't want the purples, pinks, oranges, yellows, etc. to know who I am and how I feel. I'm just a nothing and depressing color gray. And nobody want's to deal with a gray. They want to feel yellow, white, red, black, brown, etc. I'm so alone with my fears and disastrous moments and thoughts. I'm so full of pain that's ready to be shed, but afraid of how the actions of it will come out. Tears just wanting to be poured out like a faucet. Having nothing but the memory of when I was once happy, but now alone in fear of me. It's scary.. Having fear against yourself. Worrying that you might slip and do something you will always and forever regret. Praying to God, asking him to help you not slip. Asking him to protect you from your sad and scary thoughts. God, protect me from myself.
Please help and protect my Lonely Soul.

-Joelena Saldana
?/?/10
As he saw thy eyes within shame and darkness, thy heart is beating so fast I think it is broken. As he knew my secret that I could not tell, I screamed and shouted, but I could not yell. I was sad and frightened, but angry the most, I knew he'd walk away from the girl he knew from coast to coast. As i cried every morning, every day, every night the most with most plenty of shame. I stayed up morning after morning always shouting," No! Please wait!".

I did not only lose a crush... I lost a friend the most of much.

-Joelena Saldana
When thy feels sad with complete sorrow, I wonder if it was I who had started the trouble. With all this hurt and pain, I am afraid that I am hurting the ones I love the most. Please help me with all the trouble. No fighting. No hurting. Just comfort and love. Please help me with this if you are there. With four keys that leads a person to despair.
Love
Honesty
Happiness
Peace

-Joelena Saldana
6/22/14
They all said he would change, I didn't believe them. He's had so many chances to change, so why would he choose this one. I still live in worry and stress. I have to watch myself, everything I do. I don't want to make him stressed, mad, annoyed, worried... Moving from state to state can' change a person, money can't change a person, and ( I guess ) time can't either. He does nothing with hands, but with his words there's destruction. I don't want to be scared or worried. I don't want to not be me! I don't want to change how I TALK, how I WALK, how I FEEL, and HOW I AM... WHO I AM! I don't want to watch what I do. They said that now he's different, he's changed, he's had time. But I face reality. I trust myself to know how he is from my eyes. His words hurt, his sarcasm is painful, his attitude is unbearable. After twelve years, I knew he wouldn't change. Just from a time o a year and a half... Everyone lives on hope and he image of things, but luckily for me, I know the difference. The things that people buy for others don't always make them feel happy and thankful or the other person, but for he thing or object that they bought. It's never always about money, but about true happiness and feelings. Please don't make me go through this again, I am afraid. I just want a chance to no be scared.. To be me in front of him. But this time, I will put faith on something that I've always been afraid to put emotions and feelings on... Hope. The one thing that can tease me, hurt me, destroy me. So please, Hope, help me. Just this once..
Hope.. Please--

-Joelena Saldana

When you look into a person's eyes, it's like reading who they are.. Who they'll be. Their darkest secrets, their personality, their likes, their dreams. It's where you can find their true honesty.

Joelena Saldana 11/7/14

I am in a world with family and friends, not as much, do I have to pretend. There is love in the air. Friendship and peace. I am finally in a world where I can be seen. My heart leaves no empty trace. I can find, no longer, a bottomless pit. I see love, I feel it, I am surrounded by those who care. Finally, has my prayer been answered and, most definitely, more than fair. I can feel the wind and see it blowing though leaves on trees. I can feel the sun and watch as a flower can grow. I can see animals loving and living with their family and friends. This is truly a world where I can fit in. This is truly a world with life, love, and beauty. This is truly a place where there's no need for mistakes. I will cherish these moments. I will love them forever. Because this here, is where I can say, Our lives are meant to be one, whole, and together in every and/or other way.