****.
*****.
*******.
Just a bunch of *****.
Why is everyone so ******* foolish?
Am I the only one?
Am I alone?
I dislike the disposition of most of you.
Is it a mirror to my face?
My soul?
lost.
stuck.
****.
Open till the day I die.
I'll take your half-assed emotional responses and...
and...
And I'll raise it pure ******* truth.
Even If it makes me the fool...
Open forever... and I'll open some more...
Open. Open. Open.
****.

You were laying naked next me.

On your stomach.

Strands of fire falling in front of your eyes.

You were looking at me with eyes full of impossiblebeautiful things.

Your look told me that you are mine, that you trust me.

The energy flowing between our bodies made me feel like we could love each other free if we wanted to.

And not free like it costs nothing because it certainly will, but free like a mountain breeze.

I traced a path with my fingers from the back of your legs, over your perfect *** and along the ridges of ribs.

I kissed you from your ankles to the top of your head, slowly pressing my flesh into yours.

I grabbed your wrists and pulled them close to you, pushed them under your chest.

I bit your ear softly and whispered your name.

I felt you tremble.

I told your shoulder a secret that you could feel in your bones.

I slid into you slowly as you moaned my name and raised your hips.

You twisted your wrist and locked fingers.

We were covered in moonlight and tangled in each other and we made love until it was impossible to tell where I ended and you began.

Sun crashing through the windows and spilling all over the breakfast table.

Squinted eyes looking out at the everything. Focused out there: Trees. Grass. Light. Dirt. Adventure.

Fruity pebbles drenched in whiteyellow light.

The creaky screen door and the blue steps.

Chipped paint. Splintered wood.
  
The smell of fresh cut grass.

The smell of dirt caked to our bodies.

The smell of heat and sweat and summer. 

A Baseball glove lying half hidden in the grass.  

A bike parked under the biggest evergreen tree in the world.  

A skateboard under your moms beat up rusty car.

Hands digging through dirt searching for some ancient secret. 

Super secret plans drawn on paper towels.  

****** kneecaps and wooden playgrounds.  

The sound of tires on gravel.

The sound of your laugh.

The sound of your sister crying.

The sound of bodies slapping against the water.  

The creek.

Deeper, longer and more profound than any other creek on the planet.

The woods.

The endless woods and all the beautiful and terrifying things they offered us every day.

The forever extending ripple my bobber sent through the ***** water of that small pond.

My back against the blades of green.

The dipping sun.

The puffs of white in the sky and branches dancing.

Unlimited.

All encompassing.  

Magic.  

Pure.

Beautiful innocent ignorance.  

Freedom.

I want to be a writer.

I want to be a filmmaker.

I want to be invincible.

I want to see it all.

I want to look into your eyes and see something completely unexpected.

I want to dig my fingers through the dirt and discover some ancient secret.

I want to be famous.

I want to be completely unknown.

I want to be seen by you. Really seen.

I want to run my fingers across every inch of your naked body.

I want to run through every hill and valley.

I want to learn to live with the pain and in turn live with unfathomable grace.

I want to forgive.

I want to be forgiven.

I want to move forward with confidence and faith in all the uncertainty.

I want to look into the mirror and be at peace with what I see looking back at me.

I want to learn to live in the present.

I want to...

I want to take all these wants and forget them. I want to grab them and crush them with my bare hands. Let them ooze between my fingers and drip into a puddle on the cracked sidewalk. I want to watch these wants evaporate in the blazingly bright morning sun. Follow the frail ribbons of steam until they become undefined and indistinguishable from the puffs of white moving across the everything.

I’m a quitter. There I said it. I’m a ******* quitter.

I’ve quit:
- A whole lotta Jobs
- Love
- Almost-Love
- Sports
- Games
- Friendships
- ***
- Sandwiches
- Competitions
- Training
- Stories
- Projects
- Blogs

Not only am I quitter, but I run. I leave. I go far far away. Sometimes states away and other times deep inside myself where people barely recognize me and can only help but wonder where the **** I went.

I leave because I have to, because staying in one place feels like slow death. I leave because I can’t be all the things you want me to be. I don’t want your expectations. I leave because you bore me. I leave because I am afraid. I leave because I’m a ******* *****.

But I also leave because that is when I feel the most alive, when I am moving and experiencing new things. I also leave, because I thirst for the magic that is birthed in completely new experiences. I leave because I let some invisible force pull and push me around. I leave because I love getting lost in the waves.

Some things I haven’t quit:

- Believing in the power of my dreams
- Embracing the absurdity of being alive
- searching for the magic
- Laughing
- Making people laugh
- Learning
- listening to music
- watching movies
- reading
- creating
- loving
- getting out into the world and meeting new and fascinsating people

I haven’t quit letting people into my life and into my heart.

I’m still open.

I am still evolving.

I am still ******* alive. Sure, I’ve been known to quit on a whole lotta **** in my life. But maybe, just maybe, that is going to lead me to somewhere beautiful and contented. A place where I’ll know I belong.

A place that may be many states away or somewhere deep inside of myself.

Maybe one day I’ll quit this whole quitting thing and finally stick to something. Take it all the way…. perhaps… perhaps… perhaps…

A blank slate.

Never truly erased.

Chalk dust and prints.

Everywhere.

Voices in the beams.

Faces on the road.

Notes to ghosts.

Chances.

Answers.

Opportunity.

Always searching for something… else.

All this despite.... (insert emojicon here)

I know the answers (THE CALM) I search for aren’t all out there…

somewhere else.

They. Are. Here

With me.

Always have been.

Someone said, "it isn’t the darkness we fear, but the light."  

So many facessoulsroadspossibilitiespathsopportunities.

So much-ness.

Everywhere and nowhere.

Sometimes I close my eyes and see it all:

The mistakes I’ve made

The Futures I’ve half-paved

The times i’ve gone when I should’ve stayed....

It’s all led me here.

HERE.

And again.

I am….

There are moments.
Moments for those of us who care to look.
moments where
a piece of light hits a tree in a way
that
makes
you
realize
everything is going to be ok.

that
everything is in its right place.

There are times in life
when a torn leaf
scraping against the moon spit concrete
powered by nothing but the invisible breeze
can
give
you
hope
that
tomorrow will be blazingly bright.

Hope that someone else will see and hear these tiny things
and know in their bones what they are:
they are god.

plain
and
simple.