I've tried
To be better for you
Even though I don't have you
Putting efforts towards something not there
I am what I am
I can never be good enough
But I can decide
To be the worst for you
So that's what I'll do
Don't expect me to be
What you thought me to be
Because here in reality
Tha just isn't me

I see your ring
I see your career
I see your love
I see your home
I see your kids
I see your wrinkles
I see your proudness
I see your happiness
I see my lonliness
I see my failure
I see my loathing
I see my house
I see my despair
I see my early death
I see my shame
I see my sadness
I don't see you with me...

I know you're sick of me
Bright colors of the rainbow
And I see black
Why think of the good
When I'm so good at seeing the bad
Tell me you love me
Just so I can say you're lying
Stop telling me the truth
We both know I won't believe you
Why won't I ******* believe you?

I listened to your heartbeat
You listened to mine
I thought that meant
That we were intertwined
Forever twisted
All the way down
To our bare souls
To share each other's woes
Without even trying
Our souls ripped from one another..
It feels like dying
I would be lying
To say I'm not crying
I'm internally bleeding
Right where you use to be
Should have stopped
Oh so long ago
But it still runs free
How can I let it be?

Everyone,
Do me a favor
Just let me fade
Fade away

I don't want to die
But I don't want to be alive
So if this life
Could just let me disappear

Forget me
Don't acknowledge me
Avert your gaze
God! Please...

I'm tired
Of telling myself things will change
When death
Is the only thing that seems in range

So why **** me
When you've already broke me
Disremember me
Let me keep destroying me

I'm already dead
No reason to look my way
Ignore me
You've already abused me

I say I'm broken
But really I'm nothing
Yet I feel it all
So just treat me like nothing

You are human
I can not hate you
That crime
It was no worse than mine

I wanted to hate you
The idea was to blame
But that,
That was all mine

I'd forgiven you
But had not myself
This is how I know
Know that it was me..

Red lipstick
Almost like a trick
Draws attention to the lips
But I look to the eyes
There, there you have no disguise
At least none that I buy
Sitting here wondering why,
Why is it you hide
What will I find
Deep inside,
That alluring mind
Hopefully tis kind
I couldn't take a goodbye
Or another lie
My heart will not die
But it may sigh, then cry

An angel came to me
His beauty was baffling
Noticing my stares
He began the story
Of how he lost his wings

I was heartbroken
How could something so stunning
Be so terrible
That someone would clip their wings
Especially, when he was so much like me...

My head
It is filled with so many things

To make that disappear
Would be losing my mind
Because it is not truly mine

To alter my mind
Because they say I'm not fine

To dull my emotion
And my artistry

Creativity goes out the door
Because I'm not the same

Forced to fall in line
To put my thoughts
Behind these bars

Only able to break through
When I forget the pills

But I am not the same

The poison splashes down my throat
Burning all the way through me
To dull myself and my emotions
Thoughts of being free
Pushes me to drink
Freedom from you is never as good as it seems
But to stop the frenzy in me
To block the rushing memories
To forget the forever insanity
Even for just a moment
I will do absolutely anything
Fight poison with poison
But yours is so deep-seated
Fearful that the other
Can do nothing to weaken it
That there is no cure
For what is killing me
The battle is senseless
Time is utterly wasted
But still I drink
Knowing...
You'll set back in

Looking for you
Inside of everyone
Everyone I meet
They continue to disappoint
It's said "there's a million of you"
But there is only ******* you

My mind attempts to wander
Yet it always sets home with you
I don't know where to go
How do I move from you?

The color is gone
Vibrant yellows
Calming blues
They have disappeared
Even the blacks
Seemed to have changed
The world is dull and lifeless
Just like my hole of a soul
I'm in a valley
A valley like a bowl

There's only one her
It's all a blur
But I can't forget

Now someone gets to wake
Wake to her sleeping face
Kiss her to life
       The only her.

They get to fall in love
With all of her flaws
Hear all of her stories
Feel all of her worries

I feel despair
I just want to touch her hair
Will they know?
What is before them

A sensation on the lips
That I'll never feel again
Is placed upon them
Like it is nothing

To me it seems a sin
To ever forget.

I have crashed and burned
And you are nowhere to be found
Where are you?
Do I even deserve you here?

I need you
More now than ever before
But I am just a thorn
Come near me and you'll bleed

I honestly wish I was worth the pain
You are...
I'd let you stab me so many times
Until I am nothing but scars

If I were you
I'd stay away too
Don't let me burn you too
Let me go down all alone

Throw me a bone
And you'll be consumed
Into the darkness
That I'm falling through

No amount of light
Can illuminate these shadows
Run!
Run the **** away

You've already been devoured
You can try to push, scratch, fight
Pull yourself out
The digestive fluids already breaking you down

Fearful screams come forth
Almost as if No one can hear
Realization beats upon you
There is no out

A knife won't tear through the stomach
Flooding light all around you
No chance of you coming back up
Like food poisoning

Sitting engulfed in the dark
The feeling of being broken down slowly
A thought comes to mind
There is only one end

I lay naked in my bed
Couldn't feel more dead
My heart dully beats
As I think of you on repeat
This gut wrenching song
Just Will not stop
Like headphones,
That won't pull free
I cut the cord
But it just continues to reattach
My heart needs jump started
And these heart breaks ripped from my ears
Just go away
Just go the **** away
But please stay
God please stay...

There's a moment
Playing a loop in my head
My hand sliding up your dress
A giggle and a smile, so pure
I will tear out my heart
If it plays once more...
And it does
Yet my chest stays intact
I cannot lose
The little I have left
So I let it play
Until I'm curled on the floor
Afraid to let go
I slip into madness with you
But I lose all sanity without you
There's so many musicless songs
That I can hear
When I'm thinking of you
And it hurts in ways
That can feel so good
Even the pain you can bring
I've become completely addicted to

Take me back
To the mountains
From where I came
To forever stay

The place where I was forged
Most do not stray
For reasons you may not see
But we see our memories
Too prominent to ever leave

Death is here
But you'll not fade
These memories
They will blaze
Love was not said
It was always there
All of the pain
Was worth your gain
Hearts here hurt
Because you're in the dirt

I don't think it's you anymore
That is frightening
To think it'll never be anyone
Is absolutely terrifying....

Spinning shadows up above
Reflecting glares on all sides
Emptiness in these material things
Lies playing in front of me
Suicidal thoughts from this small screen
When I die
I'll die in this room

Why can't I stop thinking of you?
I'll tell you why
Because of this ******* rain
Pounding on my window
Is telling
I mean screaming
Your small whispers at me
The breeze of the fan
Suggests to turn it off
Reminding me how easily you use to get cold
The crashing in my mind
Forces the thought
Of how you slept in silence
And now....
Now so do i

It's just like how that old broken down trailer
       Will always be my home
That no matter how angry my sisters make me
        They're still my sisters
I rigorously attempt to convince myself otherwise
        Convince myself to hate you
To wish I never ******* met you
        But yet I always remember
      I still love you...
To me, you will always be, Inevitable
It seems I could run away
Run across the world
And it would be right back to where you are standing
Like no time had passed
And you're still waving at me
The only difference is I'm so out of breath
I haven't seen you in years
Even though I've seen you everyday
I haven't touched you
Yet I've watched myself do it for ages
I frantically avoid anything of you
But there is no getting away


It will always be you.
A part of me

I don't wanna take the pills
That make me forget
How much I really miss you
It's agonizing, but it's you
The pain overruns the joy
But at least there's joy...
At times I can forget
That it was ever here
So there are days
When I just look over the pill
Fighting through the terror
For just a hit of you

I had a dream
Where my body had aged
Now old and gray
Wrinkles upon wrinkles
I was not the same
It felt, in any way
Yet there you were
Still stained in my brain
Maybe I had a glimpse
Into my future
Or maybe I just dreamt
Of a past
That time long ago
I still find dreadful
But moving forward into that life
I find myself thinking
How could I last?

I have a fear of success
What’s to come after
When you’ve achieved your dreams
Do you become dormant
Or form new ones
Are we stretching for goals
Every second of our lives
A slave to our own brains
That never stop running
I fear success..
Due to it not being enough
I cannot finish a race
Just to start another
My lungs have a capacity
They’re already burning
Losing their motivation rapidly
What is being happy
If there’s always more to chase
A world pushing you to have more
A world punishing you for existing
A world manipulating you to do more and more
To just exist
Would be a drug of bliss
The devil keeps it to himself
Or maybe it’s god
Holding it in front of us to bide to his will
To his thoughts of how we should be
It is impossible to break free
Closest you come is by having so many paper bills
Paper that society has pushed upon us to live our lives
Paper that becomes our air
A deep fresh breath is full of pollution
Of tainted beliefs