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Joanna Nov 2011
I can't get enough of you.
You're careful not to lob my heart.
Though you don't feel for me.
It hurts honestly.
I'm being eaten from the inside.
Flay my skin.
I do it out of rancor for myself.
But then you smile.
Adorn.
I've fallen.
Joanna Nov 2011
They caught me.
They saw me.

They judged me.
Unloved me.


I won't forget it.
Unless you say it.

The time is now.
The time to pay it.


I want you to remember.
Am I the only one who forgot?

Oh what am I saying?
The hope is all lost.


Leave me to drown.
I beg you. Please.

Leave me alone.
So I can die in peace.


But it won't be peaceful.
I can tell you that.

It will be so painful.
So just hit me with a bat.


So that I can unsee what I saw.
And unsaw what I see.

It may not make sense to you,
but it makes sense to me.


I can see them crawling,
Under my skin.

I can see them moving,
Living within.


Help! I can feel it.
The fire is lit.
Stop! Don't hurt me!
Not even a bit.

It's my job, it's my job.
I will **** myself.

Step back, I can do this.
I don't need your help.


The blade is lifted.
The blood will be shown.

Do you want to see it?
It's blood of my own.


Cut down deeper. I
still don't feel a thing.

Cut down harder.
Then hear the ding.


The blood flies out,
But instead of red.

The blood is different,
It's the color of dead.


They're coming!
The spirits!

They **** us all.
But don't you know.
Oh you're so slow.

It's all inside my head.
Joanna Nov 2011
In a world gone mad.
Where will you go?
Who will you turn to?
What will you do?
Every few minutes she thinks of it again.
The coldness she'd love if she were dead.
Plan after plan. Scar after scar.
The scratches go all the way up her arm.
Will she tell? Will she confess?
Never.
Not in this world gone mad.
Joanna Dec 2011
The sun goes down.
Tears bubble up.
A new found frown.
Your words aren't enough.




She holds the knife.
Safely at her wrists.
It is her life.
Now use your wits.




The cup of water waits.
The pills make noise and shake.
Do something or it will be too late.
From this nightmare she must wake.




The blood, it drips and stains.
The girl is not the same.
The outcome, it is plain.
She has to die to hide the shame.




Run through the rain to help her.
Forget the past and lies.
The world is all a blur.
She cannot die.




You burst inside too late.
Her body lay on the floor.
On this date.
You wish you could have done more.




Your nightmare begins.
You just want her back.
There's no one that wins.
Now she is who you lack.




Restless nights come towards you.
Her cold eyes stare hard.
Was there something you could do?
No one would dare play that card.




Months pass with regretful days.
You lean to cutting.
Nothing can ease these pains.
Your mind is running.




You can't take it anymore.
On the bathroom floor you sit.
You cannot fix your broken core.
Every word said makes it lit.




You take the knife to your skin.
You want to end the same as she.
The lights start to dim.
But something else is the key.




You grab the water and the pills.
You chug them down.
Your final will.
You won't share the crown.




The lights fade out.
Your hearing goes.
Now you have no doubt.
You leave your foes.




To meet with her again is all you ever craved.
Now you might see her.
Now you are in your grave.
But it is all a blur.




You know not where you are.
Darkness all around you.
Locked behind these bars.
What will you do?
Joanna Nov 2011
I find myself thinking from time to time,
About everything we could be but I know that I'm,
Foolish and in some ways abused by myself,
Because I get my hopes up to have them crash and I felt,
Alone and scared when I thought you weren't there,
But I realize now that you never did care,
So I hide and I guard myself from the world,
My heart so limp yet so tightly curled,
Around you my dear for you must know,
That my heart still won't let you go.
Joanna Feb 2013
Am I really

Am I really the one that you may possibly

love

or is it my imagination

It feels like it

with every taste of your lips

and every touch of your skin

It feels

I feel

And I can't decide if this is reality

or a dream world

until I sit up in bed
Joanna May 2013
she asked me if i was happy
i said no

i did not tell her of the scars i hid beneath my clothes

i did not tell her of the tears i wiped away at night

i did not tell her that death was something i desired

i could not tell her that

because she did not care

she was only curious
Joanna Dec 2011
The razor sits.
It stares.
It calls.
It follows.


She takes it.
Hides it.
Holds it.
Uses it.


The matches rest.
They watch.
They shout.
They stalk.


He captures them.
Conceals them.
Strokes them.
Lights them.
Joanna May 2013
isnt it funny
how we tell others
"dont ever tell anyone to
**** themself"
and yet we turn our backs
we hide our tears
are emotions
our blood
and we yell at our souls
telling ourselves
"**** yourself"
Joanna Mar 2013
why the frown
little girl
?
i thought you knew
that dreams are like

the stars

.

i thought you knew

that they fall from
the sky

.
Joanna Dec 2011
A glance.
My heart rate increases.
My stomach fills with butterflies.
My face gets hot.
My hands shake.
My lip trembles.
It's happening.
It's too late to go back.
I've fallen.
Hard.
Cold.
On the floor.
Alone.
You haven't caught me.
You've left me to rot.
Joanna Jan 2013
The smoke. The high.
Just **** me tonight.
Pull me out of this sorrow,
and into your arms.
I'll forget the world
if you keep me from harm.
Darling I'm waiting,
and hoping it's true.
Hoping I'll love you
and you'll love me too.
But is it worth the heartache?
It'll be torture.
I'm already falling,
I know that for sure.
Joanna Nov 2011
You're high on life.
I'm choking on air.
You get what you want.
And that's not fair.
I cry myself to sleep.
I pray each night.
I help out others.
I do what's right.
Still I get all the pain.
You steal my joy.
He was mine.
He was my boy.
You pulled the rug out from under me.
You stole him from my arms.
I'm all alone again.
I fall to self-harm.
One cut for you.
One cut from him.
One cut for pain.
One cut for sin.
Blood shed for feeling.
Tears fall for faith.
Curled in a ball crying.
Alone in this place.
Promise you'll forgive me.
I didn't mean to do wrong.
Promise you won't forget me.
If I don't make it too long.
I want to have you with me.
I want you to love me back.
Can't you see what she's doing?
She's using you for lack.
She misses him.
She doesn't want you.
I know her well.
I know it's true.
But I love you totally.
I love you more then anything.
So realize it quickly.
Before the Spring.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
No one to call when I'm down.
I want to laugh with you.
For you to change my frown.
Know that we're more then friends.
Even they all see.
That even if you don't believe it,
We're meant to be.
Joanna Nov 2011
Closing my eyes.
Locking my ears.
Turning away.
Running from fears.
Nothing to face.
Not even a trace.
Gone with the wind.
The lighting so dimmed.
Joanna Dec 2011
You say things that hurt me.
I just bite my lip.
Hold back my tears.
I won't let this flip.


Whenever I reply,
you make it about you.
So I'll keep my mouth shut.
I'll let you do what you do.


Because you do it best.
You liar you.
I still care for you though.
So could you think this through?


I am not the enemy.
Or maybe I am?
How could I not be?
I mean ****.


I'm messed up in the head.
Sorry if I curse.
But I've ****** up.
Yet you act like you're worse.


Don't you see you're amazing?
I'm just cold.
I want you to be happy.
So I fall into the mold.


The one you have built for me.
It's how you want me to be.
So I'll stay by your side silent.
While you get to talk free.


Deep breaths.
Restless turns.
I hate this world.
My heart, it burns.


Forget what I've said.
I want to go.
But I love you too much.
I've fallen too low.


I'll stay behind.
Let you have your fun.
You run and hide.
I watch the sun.


The brightness burns you.
It helps me.
So goodbye.
I want to be free.
Joanna Nov 2011
What hope is there?
I'm trapped in this dark room.
These walls around me seem to close me tighter and tighter.
I almost can't breath.
Can someone help me?
I'm in here.
Can you hear me?
I need you.
How could you leave me in this darkness?
This distressful world is killing me.
I want to join you in the afterlife.
I want to escape this pain.
I don't want to cry anymore.
To feel these tears stain my cheeks
I want to be able to breath.
I can do it.
I considered it.
I reached for the pills but then I stopped.
You wouldn't want me to.
You would want me to smile.
To live.
To grow.
How can I grow without you?
How can I go on without you?
I'll never feel the same.
I' won't look at life the same.
It's sweet and innocent.
Yet harsh and rebellious.
Life is a treasure.
Something not to be wasted.
How could you waste your life?
How could you cut it short?
Come back to me.
Joanna Dec 2012
if I'm not the same tomorrow

please remember who I was today

because I can't seem to remember

it doesn't make sense in my head how it came

to this

but when it's written in stone

what is there to stop it?

I can't change the past

and it's already set my future

but it's alright

don't miss me tonight

don't miss me tomorrow

don't miss me ever

because

it's not worth it

it will never be worth it

I will never be worth it

darling don't cry

don't you ever shed a tear over

me

because if you waste your feelings on the

worthless

what will be left for the

priceless?
Joanna Dec 2011
I feel the rain pouring over me.
My head raised.
My face to the sky.
I can say it.
Though it's hard to believe.
I'm alive.
The rain.
Like the tears from my eyes.
A down pour of emotions.
My emotions.
The feelings I've kept locked away.
Set free by my screams.
My soul awakened,
My heart still shaking.
Take my hand.
Hold me close.
Don't leave me.
Never leave me.
I couldn't take it if you left.
I've already lost my mind.
Joanna Jan 2012
I chopped it off because it reminded me of then.

I won't stay trapped in the past.

I wouldn't dare go back there again.

I painted it purple because it put me at ease.

It helped me move on.

Like a warm summer breeze.

I write it all down so that I can remember.

So that I won't make the same mistake twice.

I don't want to relive this cold December.

I sketch it out so that I can see.

Though it doesn't even look good.

Drawing it out helps me understand me.

I'm new.

So are you.

But I don't mind it.

At all.

So ignore it.

And come back.
Joanna Mar 2012
Could you just walk to me in the moonlight?

Break through the glass and come inside.

Lay by me on the fluff and hold me in your arms.

Hold me while the rain falls.

Keep the enemy away from me.

Because I’m addicted.

And I can’t stop.

I even promised and I still didn’t stop.

Feed me.

I’m starving.

Make me keep it.

Hold my hand while I walk to the stage.

Just hold my hand while the world shakes.

While it grows hot and pounds around me.

Listen to me while I confess.

All the things I’ve done in my life.

They’re not all good.

But don’t judge me.

Please.

I can’t take it anymore.
Joanna Nov 2011
Stop talking to me.
You're not even here.
You're not even real.
But I want you to be real.
To know me.
To understand me.
To want me.
To love me.
But you're not real.
I want to let you go,
But I can't stop talking to you.
The real you lives far away.
The one in my mind is here,
With me,
Always.
I want the real you.
I want to feel your touch.
You hands.
You lips.
Everything.
I want to touch you.
To know you.
Your fears.
Your lies.
Your dreams.
Your goals.
I want to understand you.
To have you.
To love you.
To keep you.
To own you.
I want to be yours.
But I can't.
We will never meet.
We can never meet.
So I must deal with the fake.
Even though I have to let go of the fake.
Tell me what to do love.
Joanna Nov 2011
I hate you so much.
Why must you find me?

Though I do miss your touch,
It's my heart, it defines me.


But it's not fair,
If you have it.

Why won't you share?
It's completely lit.


On fire is my soul.
Burning to dust.

If this was your goal,
Then why do I trust?


I love you,
I need you.

Come back to me please.
You leave me,
Don't miss me.

For you it's a breeze.

It's not fair that I love you.
That I can't let you go.

It's not fair that you love her.
Should I just walk out the door?


Because when I think of you,
I feel pain.

But when I think of him,
It's not the same.


So are you the one,
The one that I need?

Or are you the devil,
Changing the lead?


Does it matter what's happened?
No one else seems to care.

Does it matter, I'm broken.
I've got nothing to share.


You have it.
You stole it.
Now give it back.

I want it.
I need it.
The heart that I lack.

Return it,
Or burn it.

I don't really care.
All that matters to me,
Is that you don't care.
Joanna Nov 2011
I want to keep you tied down like this.
Captured in my boundaries.
Following my rules.
You must listen to what I have to say.
You must do what I tell you.
It's all about me for once.
But that's not reality.
Here, you're in charge.
You keep me trapped.
Tied down.
Free-less.
Alone.
You're making me become someone I'm not.
Someone unreal.
Someone I don't want to be.
If I could, I'd run.
If I'd run, I'd hide.
If I'd hide, you'd never find me.
I'd be free but scared.
Scared but free.
Happy but lonely.
Lonely but happy.
A mix of emotions so un-innocent it's blinding.
Because of you I'm not innocent.
I've been lost in a world of knowledge beyond my years.
So if you must keep me here.
Scared and fearful.
Then I pray the angels sing me to sleep and take me away from this pain.
From this place you call home.
Set my soul free.
Joanna Jan 2013
Once upon a time there was a girl. She wasn’t pretty nor was she ugly. She was average at best. What she was though was a wannabe. She wanted to be so many things but none of those things were plausible because of who she was. Either she wasn’t focused enough for that, pretty enough for that, smart enough for that, musical enough for that, tall enough, short enough, fat enough, skinny enough, and the list goes on.
She had a million dreams and only two options. Either stay-at-home wife or to forever be some ***** in a cubicle. Of course, she wanted neither of those. She wanted to travel the world, take pictures and sell them, write music and make money off that *****, draw or paint and not **** at it, to write and have it actually be interesting. She wanted to be talented and to live life doing what she loved. But who doesn’t want that?
She lived between two worlds. Reality and her dream world. Unfortunately for her, her dream world seemed more realistic than her real life. But only to her. She would spend hours pretending and living so happily in a world that no one but her could see. She’d be so happy and then suddenly reality would come knocking at the door.
“Who is it?”
“Ice cream delivery!”
“Oh wonderful! I’ve been craving ice cream.”
She strolls over to the door and opens it to find a person in all black.
“Where’s my ice cream?”
The person throws a wicked smile on and pulls out a bat before proceeding to beat the girl with it.
“WHY?!”
“You’re long overdue for this.”
Once the person is finished the bat is dropped and the door is shut.
And the girl is left laying ****** and beaten on the floor until someone from her ******* imaginary world comes to ******* save her worthless and pitiful ***. Why? Because in her dream world they care. But only because she dreams them to. Only because she makes them.
Joanna Aug 2013
The day I finally figured out the reason you constantly reel me in without lifting a finger was the day that I knew there was nothing between us.

I figure you will never see me as anything more than a pretty face and an easy target where you can easily hit bullseye and walk away with a hefty reward.

No hard feelings. No strings attached.

Well, there was one string that you just didn’t seem to notice. It resembled a loose thread on your clothes. You didn’t care, but I couldn’t help but to tug away at it until all your clothes were destroyed and it was just you.

And once I saw you, naked and revealed, I knew there was nothing but bones in skin. There was no heart, and that string that I hoped and dreamed would lead to me, led to nothing.
Joanna Nov 2011
The sun screams.
I tell you to wait for the night.
Warm nights don't help.
Water.
You beg for it.
I watch you sweat.
I watch you fade.
Finally the storm clouds fly over.
You almost drown.
The sun loses it's voice.
The breeze flies by.
You make new friends as they fall from the sky.
But you shiver.
You ask for warmth.
I say it will come.
It grows colder.
You doubt my words.
You ignore me.
I laugh.
But my laugh fades.
You're frozen without words.
The sun won't shine here.
White all around me.
My lips chapped.
Won't you grow?
But you hide.
You hide from me.
And I cry ice tears.
I can't find you anymore.
You're buried.
The white turns green.
Then slowly you return.
You're small.
You've been sleeping.
I tell you I've missed you.
You say you believe in the warmth I once spoke of.
Warm air buzzes by.
Rain falls gently from the sky.
Perfect.
You don't drown.
You don't sweat.
You don't freeze.
You ask how I knew.
I tell you that it always goes like this.
I tell you there's a circle that we can't fix.
You say you always look forward to this time.
I tell you I'll never forget it.
Joanna Jan 2013
the heartbreak
like a shipwreck
slowly sinking
and without thinking
i pushed against the walls
that only helped it all
losing my life
Joanna Nov 2011
My heart is shattered.
Doesn't matter.


You never cared.
Never shared.


How did I know,
You'd let this go?


Without a care,
It's so unfair.


I gave my all,
You let me fall.


Still I forgive you,
But do you too?


It doesn't matter,
It's all shattered.


Bleeding out my fingertips.
Leaving me with thoughts to sip.


Nothing will ever be the same,
And it's not me, it's you to blame.
Joanna Sep 2013
It’s interesting how easily you can allow yourself to fade without a single person noticing.

They tell you, “Oh I love you!” one minute.

The next the only voices you hear are the whispering giggles of the ghosts all around you.

"I know when I’ll go," I tell them.

Their giggles increase as they circle the room.

"Oh? Do you now?" they mock.

"November 5th," I spit into the familiar darkness.

Their mocking increases.

They don’t trust that I’ll go through with it.

That I will honestly throw my soul from it’s cursed shell and allow them to devour it’s remains.

They think I’m too scared of where I’ll end up after I die.

Why should I be?

If I’m anywhere but here I’ll be content.
Joanna Jan 2013
Darling you're far, far away.

But when the lights go out I swear I can see you.

I can feel your breath mixing with mine.

And the warmth of your hands as they crawl onto my cold skin.

I swear that you're next to me.

Holding me.

Keeping me warm in the cold, dark night.

Then I turn on the light and nothing.

You've vanished again.

I count the hours until I can turn off the lights and meet you again.

I obsess over the thoughts of being with you each night.

It's all I can think about.

I'm addicted to our dark.

And because you're around I cannot sleep.

In the morning I wake with blood shot eyes.

A collapsing body.

And a worn out soul.

But I wear a smile.

Even as my head screams lies that it's all pretend.

Even as my heart aches as though I didn't just see you in the night.

That smile stays.

Through the tears that follow each night.

And the tears that greet me when the night returns.

But when I turn off the lights you're there.

I swear it.

You're not gone this time.

And with each passing night that's more and more true.

I love you darling.

And nothing can take you away from me.

Except for the morning sun.
Joanna Apr 2013
She says, “I want to **** myself, I want to die.”
I calmly say, “Not tonight.”
A night later she says she’s okay with pain.
I say she has feelings she needs to contain.
I try to tell her that she’s perfect.
And if she’s told otherwise those people have the defect.
But my words never work.
To her I’m nothing but another ****.
She tells me that no matter how close she gets she’s never there.
That no matter how she tries nobody cares.
Then what is that in the mirror I look into?
Am I the nobody that will never break through?
Are my words as empty as theirs?
Am I really invisible like air?
Because if that’s the truth I won’t try.
Because if that’s the truth I’ll be the one who dies.

Maybe  if I died those words you say,
Wouldn’t come out of your mouth another day.
Oh but my mistake.
I seemed to have forgotten that I’m someone you forsake.
So even if I weren’t there.
You wouldn’t seem to care.
Joanna Dec 2012
dont be surprised when she doesnt answer
shes a ticking time bomb
a ***** of human
shes hiding away in her safe house
the only place she really lets herself be
she hates the shell she falls into
outside her bubble
so she tears at her shell trying to find the
real deal
shes scared of reality
and the imaginary land shes come to live in
theres nowhere safe
her dreams make her high
her life makes her hungover
maybe if she werent such a loser
she would be alright
but shes not
so dont be worried when she doesnt answer
because who cares about her anyway
Joanna Nov 2011
It's unreal how this kinda thing happens.
The world spins so fast while you're here with me.
But it goes to slow when you're away.
The past seems so long ago.
But it seems so close.
I'm losing control of reality.
Nothings making sense anymore.
It's like nothing I've known before.
Though I know I've lost myself.
Joanna May 2013
tell me at story

where

someone like me

has meaning

and isnt always so

alone
Joanna Jan 2012
Take my hand.
Lets grow together.
We can learn to love,
And throw away our hate.
We can learn to fly,
To get away from here.
We can learn to hold,
So I'll never lose you.
We can learn to forget,
To lose the pain from our past.
We can learn.
We can grow.
Together.
Just take my hand.
Joanna May 2013
Those who tell someone to die
Are the ones that we should take into our arms
And hold
They are the ones we should
Search the eyes of
To find what they are really thinking and feeling
Because they are the ones
Who have lost their minds
And we the ones who want to die
Are the ones who are sane
The ones who see the world as it is
We are the only people who can help
Joanna Jun 2013
I once knew a man

who married his highschool sweetheart.

He would meet me on the weekends

in a ***** hotel room.

When I'd arrive he'd be laying on the bed,

a cigarette in his mouth

and a bottle of whiskey in hand.

"She used to love me," he'd say. "Then she left."

Then he'd cough up a tired laugh.

Once he told me that I looked like her when she was young.

Tears littered his cheeks

as he recalled the love they shared.

"Now look where I am. I'm stuck here with a *******."

That whole year I didn't know his name until last month

when he said, "John Adair."

I scribbled it down on my palm and never saw him again.

The next day I went looking for her.

I finally found her this day.

So here I sit on this cold New Years day

silence thick in the air as I stare at the grave of

Cynthia Adair.
Joanna Nov 2011
Words written on her arm.
Colorful.
Neat.
They see it as lyrics.
It's so much more then that.
Her dreams.
Her hopes.
Her sorrows.
Her grief.
Anything you could only imagine right in front of you.
Just one second.
If you took it you would find her.
You would see what's under those words.
When will you strive to understand?
Joanna Feb 2012
Before you'd tell me I was smart,
And I started to believe.
But then I had a thought,
And you left me without ease.
You said that it was dumb,
To think such a thought.
But the thoughts that I was thinking,
Were tearing me apart.
Does that still make them stupid?
Does that still make them dumb?
The thoughts that I am thinking,
Are the ones that make me numb.
The thoughts that fill my mind,
They haunt me in the night.
I cannot get to sleep,
Without my brain trying to fight.
And now you've just added,
Another thought to my head.
With all these thoughts going on,
I'd much rather be dead.
Joanna Mar 2013
i think that if you'd let me
i'd treat you like the stars
connecting one to another
to search for
and to ponder at
i'd stare at you for
hours and
reach for you
always
i'd tell you
my secrets and
know they would be safe

i don't understand how you
see yourself
so poorly
because the things about yourself you
seem to hate
are a part of you
and i love you
therefore i love those parts too
Joanna Aug 2012
That's all I'm saying
What do you expect me to say?
You know I'm always wrong
You know that
So I don't know why
You're acting suprised
I'm always wrong
Always
Always
It's just me
Punishment
That's all I can even think about
At this moment
Why am I so sorry
Yet I cant even tell you that?
Because that's all I ever say to you
I'm sorry
I'm sorry dear
That's all I ever say
Because all I ever do is mess up
I just always do
And the thing is
Why do you even stay?
I still don't get it
And I try to be there
I do
I really do
I care so much
And never know what to do
It's not because im young
It's because im foolish
I never know
Never
And I'm sorry
And that's all I ever say
Because there's nothing else I can do
Worthless
That's all its ever been
My title
But if I could I'd change it all
I'd do better
For you
I would
And I try
And every time I try I fail
It's just a repeat
Every few weeks
What brought us to this point?
Maybe I should have never spoken to you
That first day
Then I wouldn't be
This hassle in your life
I was so dark
And I grew
And tried to break free
And I couldn't
Here I am
Trying to act like my life is the best
Like I don't need you
Because you don't need me
You choose to stay with me
I can't even choose
I'm so lost
And it's all my fault
And I'm sorry
And once again
That's all I ever say
But I am
All I do is mess up
With you
I never knew
I'll never know
I'll never get it right
So why do you continue
to stay?
Joanna Nov 2011
It almost feels like a dream.
Like a nightmare I can't wake up from.
I feel so empty.
So lifeless.
I have lost all control of my being.
I'm just a shell walking no where.
I hear words.
I speak words.
But they still don't make sense to me.
I can't accept you're gone.
It's all a dream, it must be.
Soon I will awake and there you will be.
Smiling like you used to.
This is all a lie.
You didn't shoot yourself.
Maybe you tried to but you didn't.
You couldn't have.
I can't grasp this.
Can't comprehend it.
You're not gone.
You're still here.

— The End —