I find it it so unpleasant to see my reflection
I look at this skin that I'm in
And I can pinpoint every delicious sin
I can't bare to step on the scale
I"m so horrified by what the numbers will reveal
A painful reminder of how I failed to be thin
Oh please oh please just let me see
This other girl I wish was me
This sounds so juvenile
But I have felt this way for quite a while
Its a terrible thing to see nothing but ugliness
But  I'm just going to sit here and fake smile
Your eyes fixated on this monstrous person staring back at you
The mistakes
The Heartache
I can't confess to anyone
Not even my mother
You know how it goes
They will surely preach to me
You are beautiful you need to see it
Believe it
But I won't my vision is obscured
I will continue to hide behind these doors
Hide in the comfort knowing
No one will ever uncover my deep secrets
My deep thoughts that constantly consume me
Eat me from the inside out
Take control of me dig out my eyes
Show me a creature that is so disgusting and vile
But I won't share this
I promise
I swallow the key
I will  dig deep
Bury deep in the grave
In time they will surely fade
And a flower will bloom
And laugh hysterically at the thoughts and fears
Of a lonely ugly girl eyes filled with tears
I let these tears drown me
As I lay here and reflect on all of this
If only, I could rip out my my mind
Or find  an off switch

Good god all my poems are way too serious
Thoughts and ideas that make me so furious

Come on come on lets all clown around a bit
Make fun of my poems because we know they all ain't worth a ****

Hahahahahahaha lets all make a joke
poke
poke
poke
whatever
because this makes no sense whatsoever
because I point to you and laugh
There is no point to this that was never my endeavor

I am alone
I have hidden myself for far too long
But of this loneliness comes great song

I no longer want to be concealed
For this has the power to be healed

Or is it even remotely possible?

Can this mask ever be removed?

Or am I too ugly to be exposed?

For these are the questions that I must face
The ones used to make my case

Can anyone every truly understand me?

Or can I ever truly understand myself for that matter?
Or is my life destined to be destroyed and forever shattered?

of these disgusting thoughts that haunt my mind
and leave my heart hanging from a noose

Suffocating it squeezing every bit of blood that it has left
From all of the secrets hidden inside that I kept

As she awakes promptly
Her heart is racing
POUNDING
It would seem to of only been a horrific nightmare
As she lies gazing at the moon and the dark shadows
That illuminate the walls
Her thoughts pour out onto this page
A mighty infestation had seem to have taken over
Growing and thriving
A material of a very dark appearance
saturating themselves in every crevice
Spreading throughout the body like cancer
Ripping apart the essence of every hope and every dream
Everything that made her life worthwhile
Flowing through the veins to the mind, to the hands
Like a wildfire
Her hand moving ever so quickly and swiftly
Writing every detail of this phantom ghostly reality
She wanted to remember what had brought on these illusions
This horrific tale  of thoughts
She ****** awake
heart POUNDING
Looked down at  at these pink scars that seemed to have suddenly appeared
She thought I don't remember any of this
WHO DID THIS TO ME!
Then on her nightstand was her journal and she begin to read
Of the horrific nightmare that took place

She felt ever so lost in a sea of silence
She thought of something to say
but someone whispered don't speak

She tried and tried to ignore this hurricane
Hurricane of emotion that took her for  a spin
Making her so dizzy and disoriented and exhausted

She wanted to believe she was invisible that no one could see her
She had magical powers to disappear to slip away quickly
On the conflicting side she wanted someone to figure out this magic trick
Figure out it's secrets it withheld

A hand to reach out and understand
To tell her shes not alone
But she felt so shameful

She held out a shield in front of her
Wanted no part in this
She came to a point where all she felt was nothingness

She picked and prodded at her skin, saw the blood seeping slowly out of the wound
I am Alive! I feel so Alive!

For only a moment the clouds rolled on and the rain quit falling.
And then they returned with a vengeance

When aroused from deep slumber
She remembered a dream
It played out so vividly

She was driving down a winding, unknown road
Passing trees, full of leaves and just seeing all the life around her
She had initially thought what a beautiful dream to have

She had pulled over without much thought
A small innocent bird with a broken wing
It looked into her eyes searching for hope

She remembered nothing else after
She had started to cry
She didn't understand why

Then in another moment she visioned a young child
The silence of that bird haunted her
The look in its eyes that said I am broken

It was much too late..