This time around I am not.

what i was back then.

for all of you that knew me

my madness was my test

i cannot tell you much has changed

but i can say now how far i will not go

into the dark of my mind

i choose to leave alone

my feelings once where strong.

now fading into a mist

of rain that doesnt nourish much

gracing the earth with its non existence

i cannot take this place.

the human race is dead.

they fall from trees like burning leaves,

never to blossom again.

******* all for not trying

when all i do is mourn

not just for me but for everything

you will never know what its like to carry

the weight of it all.

and why would i want things to be different

it’s a fight that never ends

find myself in someones arms

their hollow little limbs.

wishing they could be more like me,

is something too strong to wish.

they ****** their uncertain ways

across my trampled body.

fine, go **** yourself.

or better yet some souless body.

because that will satisfy your thirst

will fill the void within,

I am sorry I could not cut it.

although i know i tried

somehow i didn’t see

this is all some game to you,

why the **** would I want to win.

for it is I who cannot fit

within these confines no one else sees

go find yourself, your victim,

to play mind games with.

i have all the cheats for life..

but it’s no fun when you’re the only one

no fun when no one can see

that life is one mold-able piece of clay

if you dont care then why should i

it seems to me that life is good, it’s grand, it’s great

but when no one see’s it as you do

it can feel pretty empty.

so once again a paradox of contradictions cloud my mind

time is running out and i no longer care.

despair is something i now welcome

why close the door on fear?

i will invite you in, please drink this sin

and be happy that we are here.

The breeze breaks me down,
I trudge along this tiresome road and its only been seven days.
I should be getting closer.
The truth is, I don’t know exactly where I’m headed,
but I tell myself it can’t be worse than where I've been.
The strength, it comes from god knows where,
sometimes I want to fall apart.
To wither away and fade out into the night sky.
Just like a star that is safely covered behind the pollution of humankind.
Confused.
I’m bruised with sadness, battered by lifes mistakes.
I no longer want to be the victim but it feels like the safest place.
Alone in my isolated state I don’t know if I’ll be OK.
Sometimes I want to scream at god and see if a miracle can just take my place.

I’m lazy.
I’m tired.
I always give up.

I want badly for this to change.
I cannot seem to keep my sanity as it always manages to slip away.
In a cage of dark resentment, is where I’m most content.
Finding freedom from myself in sleep when everything turns to black.
I am the cause of my sorrow, the battle is with myself .
I am the person I’m most upset with for my responses to cards I've been dealt.
Now I’m stuck in an infinite circle where I can’t seem to get up and run.
Creating all the madness, I play with loaded guns.
I’m trying to find my balance, on lifes uneven log.
I begin to cross it and sometimes wonder…maybe I've got it all wrong?
Why don’t I just let go, why am I so clasped on?
My tense arm twitches with hesitance as I begin to sketch my dreams.
Finding truth in tragedy, inspired by the maladies that never seem to leave.
I’ve torn out all the chapters, not pleased with all the turns.
I sit with bloodied hands surround by a blur.
Encased by obligations I set upon myself.
What’s the point in trying if it never seems to work.

Through the concave of today,

May I see tomorrow.

For I am sick and tired of all the sorrow in my way.

Might I find the exit sign in time,

And leave this awful place behind.

Blood spills from my veins with

each step I take towards the place

that causes pain,

nevermore.

Sometimes I try to find myself
Beneath the sheath of broken glass
Time’s defied, hours pass.
I’ve somehow lost my mind.

I sought through thoughts uneven,
to leave with empty hands.
The lands I’ve traveled and roads I’ve crossed,
and still no better man.

As if it didn’t matter, the efforts one endures
Her demure is just a veil,
she wears to seek the truth.
Through constant clash, she rushes past
Leaves the looking glass behind.
A quake of constant despondency
Rattles through her mind
She turns back once more before,
she’s washed upon the shore.

A valley of perplexity holds dreams,
yet to come true.
The
quiet
darkness
tempts her.
And suddenly she’s you.

She’s spent from all the racket.
As the lawlessness of latter days
Brings death to her malpractice.
Could this be, shall she know?
True freedom when it nears?
Or will she fear it and back away
Like patterns of previous years.
And suddenly a voice spoke softly,
“The choice is yours my dear”

Your golden face illuminates the shawdows that light casts.

Upon the broken bits of summer that have finally come to pass.

The Autumn leaves i welcome, as i will your immense soul.

I have found you don’t really live life when your too afraid of getting old.

With this i cry out “farewell!”, and thus may never know,

Why it feels so peaceful to fall down so just let me go.

Entwined
I must of took a wrong turn,
I think I missed my exit.
unsure of my guiding force i must have no sane creator
what's this? I wonder...
a folded paper.
for fear of whats inside i keep it folded
neatly slide it in a pocket already containing some stray lint.
i carry on suspiciously, unsure of where i am.
i find myself in jail,
on my bunk behind cold bars.
i find no use in screaming
my voice is no louder than these scars.
instead i hold my breath and count the cuts on my arms
my heart beats slower now, i just want to be alone
where no one can ever find me, where the sea can't be moved by the breeze
where my emotions can find peace at last with no unsettling tides.
I wake to a darkness, a void that cradles me in it's absence,
with no light because there is no way out.

The steady burn I yearned for once, seems dim.

Like a candle flickers, holding on to it's last breath

I wonder where it came from, this draft.

Feeling unsteady

I see a fugitive running, trying to escape the undeniable fate that awaits him.

What a waste of time this is.

More life, more lonely nights

This is what I need.

I think.

Hunched under a floorboard of an abandoned house

He rests.

anticipates

Those sirens will drown out soon

He thinks he will see better days.

He fools himself.

Love. What is love?
Sometimes I feel like love is a substance slowly being drained from my body.
I’d like to believe I once had love,
but its days like this that make me wonder if it even exists or if its but a mere illusion that we create in our heads.
I met a guy.
I thought I had been in Love before,
but this was different.
The intensity was undeniable between us.
More than magnetic it was electric.
It made sense.
I made the conscious decision to invest my time and emotional energy into the possibility of something great.
I let my walls down that have been carefully crafted over the course of a very lengthy time in order to keep my heart safe.
I am not certain where we stand,
I’m afraid that I may not have the courage to risk potentially losing my peace of mind for this Love Phenomenon.

a thunderous storm of love
that violently ***** the dead sea
brought back to life
as the winds of truth and remorse
awaken the waves to beauty.

Strays back into the confines of the safe cage it inhabits
…my heart.
but it doesn’t have to be this way.
so i try and ill try to make it to a better day,
where love lives on through the rain that tries to wash the tears from my face to a place where they no longer exist.
They belong there though, it’s love on your face!
don’t wipe them away, there is no disgrace in pain.
im not afraid of where ive been but im afraid i might go there again,
i need some strength, can i borrow yours?

jopeta inspired by city and colors – forgive me