The shackles that chain me
Made of my own flesh and bone
Fingernails dig into my skin
Drawing blood
I’m alone
And there’s no chance that I could
Win
With that wavering tone
The only shackles that chain me
Are my own.

Quiet,
quiet,
quiet.
Eyes looking in every direction but me,
but the raw emotion on my sleeve.
The fear, perhaps,
that I am worthless.
Some god with a wasted gift,
I am no longer in your ranks,
I wasted it
                                         away.
I’m wasting
                                         away.
My cup was never full,
but you drank from it.
With sick, gluttonous gulps.
Gasping and gurgling my insides,
until your veins were pulsating
with the blood of two.
Overwhelming? Perhaps.
I wanted you so badly
to hold me together
to hold me up
to hold me down
to hold me in your sweet arms.
I loved myself, in you,
I did.
The kind that was infinite
and reached with hopeful fingertips
stretched out over eternity.
The kind that made me understand
the beauty
I wanted to be.

I could taste it then,
I could almost reach.
The purpose I served is unclear;
it is clear now that I am
                                        worthless
              ­                          in our eyes.

Not an explanation
nor a look of remorse,
no hidden smile
i could see.
We no longer care for the heights,
                                          for the taste,
                                          for me.
You climb on your own now
with others pushing you
upward.
They feed you
and once again you are
ravenous
for admiration.
                                           But not for me.

No, I need no nourishment,
it only makes me wobble.
I whimper inside
to the silent room,
it echoes from dusk ‘til dawn.
The fix, inhale and shoot.
Drugs and blood
they pump your heart and fire it
in wild directions.
You love it?
Who doesn’t?
An addiction we would all admit
to craving
one worth the
painful recovery.
                                              And I am a
                                               fix.
Momentary, but sweet.
The moments were sweet,
and still….

When nothing else
existed
but the threading of
two minds, connected.
The strange,
that was so impossible
so bittersweet
to us both.
I never felt such power;
a strong hit was all.
We devoured it so quickly
and the beauty we could almost reach
was
                                              gone.

In the dust forgotten now,
or that’s what I’d like to think.
                      Better to be forgotten
                      then noticed and
                                               not
                                               missed.

poltergeist,
rattle my ribs, your cage
knock on my skull
remind me of when you
kissed me
quite saccharine
and bewitched me
body and soul.
charming
disarming
but faint as my breath
memories flooding from times
past
never last
and less tangible than smoke.
poltergeist,
your chilling whispers
your temperate moans
are all i have.
i cling
but i am tenuous,
nothing but a shadowy figure,
even more obscure
vague
ghostlike  
than you.

all the days are a foggy haze that go on and on
til they meld together into one big
mess
that messes with the mind’s motion
and the pre-conceived notion that everything should make
perfect
sense.
one slip of the tongue could start the wheel spinning
out of control and off a cliff
into the a ditch next to nothing
but empty space.
and no matter what is said whether right or wrong
a person cannot change another person
or make them understand
what their heart has been screaming for so long.
of course there are other paths if you are willing to take them
and risk that sometimes
the grass isn’t greener
and risk the realization
that it was never green in the first place
and that people just drift through time
and space
with little purpose behind them.
but there is this pull in your gut
and this ache in your chest
that keeps you searching
and keeps you returning
to the never-ending quest for self assurance
through the validation of
others.
yet
there is a small comfort in this confusion
and that is knowing for certain
that you most certainly know
nothing.

A woman lies sleeping in her bed,
Her hair is a halo
Her bedsheets caress her frame.
In this dreamlike state her skin is smooth,
Her mind is at rest.
It is almost as though she has never been touched by worry or fear,
Or life itself.
Apart from her relaxed brow she remains much like she is when awake.
She is
Silent.
Her ambitions are kept safely
In the sanctuary of her mind,
And her darkest desires can only be found in the darkest of hours
When she she is supposed to be asleep.
Unseen
Unknown.
Her angelic face hides her ravenous hunger
To feel as she knows she can
To be as she knows she is.
Only the faintest hint of colour in her cheeks can suggest
The passion within.
In her dreams she is dancing free,
While the city around her burns.
She is wild and naked
And loud
And hideous
And joyous all at once.
But from her face
This cannot be seen.
Even if the angel awoke and parted her lips,
Letting her secrets pour out
And rush through the winding streets
Down the sewers
And up to the heavens
She would
never
be
heard

aching

pulling

bloodthirsty

i am.

that

illustrious feeling

so tender, so strong,

gnawing away

at my insides

trying to rip itself from my groin

and extend past the physical boundaries

of my body.

trying to reach another

and pull them close

too close

too tight

until two is one

and the moon becomes the sun

because we spent the whole night

making

lovely fools

of ourselves.

isn’t it strange, to feel desire

and still desire no one?

These broken people

whose steps are stumbles,

whose words are either strained and unsure

or sharp as daggers,

they walk so close

their shoulders caress.

These broken people,

they hurt because they are hurting,

they hate because they feel unloved,

they dream because their existence is ******* than the **** filled sewers

that sit stagnantly under their feet

as they walk too close,

as their shoulders caress.

These broken people

with eyes so filled

they spill and spill

down their cheeks

onto their sheets,

they weep without making a sound.

These broken people who ask

Who am I?

They sit in despair

because their tiny brains can’t think up the ******* answer

to this cosmic question.

Who am I?

They wonder,

between the drags from their cigarette mountains.

Who am I?

The question is slurred

because of the spell of intoxication they have put themselves under.

Who am I?

They moan,

from the cold bed of a stranger.

This question continues to bounce around in their skulls

giving them incurable migraines

of the existential variety.

These broken people

we are among them

with tears shed

and mountains of cigarettes,

with pools of sorrow in our wake.

With scars on our shoulders,

scars to caress.

We are just people

and we are in love.

thinking thoughts

letting them race

making up my mind

at no particular pace

just wondering

how you are

and who you’re with

while you’re far

just wondering

if you love her

in the spur of the

moment

just wondering

if you loved me

and if we’re capable of

atonement

just thinking

just thoughts stirred

just wondering

but i won’t say a word.

confused
rattled
ashamed
when i imagine heaven
inside another’s arms
i never thought before
that love is simply
understanding
and accepting
so few accept the shadows
i carry with me
why then do i shun this idea
my preconceived notion
that love must be a certain way
i think that i am keeping things simple
but really we are
complicating
things that don’t need to be
complicated
maybe what is right
is right there
or perhaps i am just
starving
for some contact
for attenion
for touch

The windows on the bus are foggy and splattered with rain.
The windows on the bus are as foggy as my brain.
My fingers, the cool glass touch,
I look out, I can’t see much.
But through the fog and through the rain it flashes over and over again
OPEN OPEN OPEN
In bright orange, over and over
OPEN OPEN OPEN
Mind.
Don’t fast-forward, you can’t rewind.
OPEN OPEN OPEN *
Heart.
Your life is waiting, just press start.
OPEN OPEN OPEN
Time to move forward and forget your fear,
OPEN OPEN OPEN*
Could the signs be any more clear?

hell bent

downward

on my knees

it adds up

do the math,

you had me at

goodbye

you know

and quoting

Sylvia Plath.

you had me

up against

the brick

you had me

in the snow,

you had me

long before we met

that night

ten years ago.

abandon ship

quite recklessly

abort me

mission miss,

falling down

together

alone

we’ve fallen

since that kiss.

impetuous

the winds have been

but silent was

the storm,

your eyes

not arms

would comfort me

would keep

my heartstrings

warm.

hell bent

was i

when wounds were

fresh

and hearts

still young and sore,

down on

our knees

with stifled pleas

we don’t need

anymore.

Their eyes, they follow

like faithful dogs

all starry and moonstruck

for the love of their master.

But there is no love

and even less faith

mirrored back

my way

when our eyes meet.

Their judgment runs deep

inside my veins

and I could honestly forgive their vanity

had they not wounded mine.

It’s winter, I know

but still I wonder

why does ice need to be broken

with old friends?

Is it me?

Or my choices?

I have a hundred voices

pulling me to my

breaking point

skin ripping

bones breaking

how long until I

snap?

The point is

I’m sorry

for whatever I have done

for whatever I may be doing.

I’m not ruining anyone’s life

but my own.

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

for living my life

the way I want it to be lived.

Words words words
are swords we cannot see
that pierce our hearts
and keep us bound
by fear
to places we wish we could leave.
Sharper than any weapon
more lethal than any draught
for even the most pure of words
can be twisted into a paradox
or proven false.
But i would argue
that there is one thing
more lethal
than any word:
the gaping wound that is caused
in their absence.
Silence.

pinch my cheeks

paint my lips red

kiss me

miss me

the past is dead

whisper softly

smell my hair

kiss me

miss me

i’m no longer there

exchanged glances

but we will

no more

kiss me

miss me

your least favourite

*****

there was a time

but that is no more

just a beautiful girl

kissed but

not missed

that you left

by the door.

mirror fright
featherlight
always putting up a fight
first star i see tonight
i wish i may i wish i might
someone please help me fight
this deathly sight
my featherlight
before i disappear

Father,

Did you never stop and think

when you used a woman

or many women

when you ******* them all

and fed them lies

or let them fall

for your disguise

and kept their strings

coiled tightly

to your fingers

and used your charm

to bewitch them into bed

did it never occur to you then

in your head

that one day I’d grow

and find men like you

because that’s what a girl

is supposed to do?

Did you never think to yourself

that one day I too

might get used

and abused

and lied to by men

and not only by

you?

Did you have any foresight

or did you really never think

that someday I too

would become a woman

and meet men like my father

and did it never occur to you

that each woman you broke

was another man’s daughter?

Open mind open heart
Where I was at the start
But tomorrow when I wake
All my strength not to break
Not that I really have much there
To give or break or love or share
Please just stop of make a choice
Hear my silence I have no voice
Our foundation is frail and unsure
I’m no longer myself and I can’t be her

I’m only beautiful when I’m *******. I’m only happy when I’m blank. I only function when I’m stressing. I only feel when I bleed. I only bleed when I need to breath. I only love in my memories. I only hate in my mind. I am only pieces that I want to leave behind.