If experience has taught me anything (an unlikely assumption)
it is that if a woman ever tells you
-straight up-
that she’s a *****
she is not lying.
this advice is not at all useful.
at least; it hasn’t been for me
since every single time it happens
I insist that she’s just got low self esteem
or she’s  joking
or she’s just had one of those days.
But a few months to a year later,
I find myself on the blindside of the road
bags barely packed
rushed out with the trash
in shock and agreement.
But see,
at least for me,
It’s hard to believe someone
when you’re in love -
which is not unlike losing your glasses
and sort of seeing blurs of people
not nearly as clear as you would with sober eyes.
I don’t expect anyone to heed my warning
I believe it even less than you do
to be honest.
I’m just a little drunk
and in a funk
and thinking way too much,
as I’m prone to do from time to time
in bars like this.
So, don’t pay me any mind
or do
I don’t care, really
how’d we get on this topic, anyway?

Sometimes I look through snapshots of my past lives.
The edges of each photograph tinged yellow by time.
I barely recognize myself.
A stranger with my blue eyes.

There's no use in wondering what he'd think of me today.
He will never have to face my decisions.
He will never stand trial for them.
I couldn't care less what he thinks.
He's long since died.
Replaced by several incarnations who also have passed
on the road to becoming me.

These relics, tokens of breath taken,
remind me to keep in mind the person I will become.

What will I happen across in an attic box
someday, lifetimes from now?
Will what I leave for the future me
be enough to bridge the gap?
Will he remember me?
Or will I be a faint ghost in the back of his mind?

I guess only he can answer those questions,
and when I become him, I will.

Until then,
I linger too long on an old picture of myself -
This boy, he has promise.
I think he's going somewhere.

Remember that chick
who pulled her hair back in a ponytail
had glasses
and wore ripped jeans
that she Sharpied murals on
out of boredom?

You’d see her in class sometimes
mumbling to herself
and doodling
while the teacher droned on
about the scientific method.

She always made you curious
but you could never get close enough
to hear what she was saying
or see what she was writing.

She promised herself that one day
she’d keep a diary
to keep track of the truth
but every time she tried
it turned into a collection of
half-thought-poems
and half-drawings of half-things
half-human and half-something else.

Never autobiographical
never the truth.

She seemed like the kind of girl
who is a self proclaimed vegan
scrawny little thing
with ex-hippie parents
like if you ever talked to her
she would be all in for face
about “going green man.”

So she took you by surprise
when she beat the fattest kid in the class
at that hot-dog eating contest
that chubby ******* didn’t stand a chance.

She thinks
the truth is just the lie
that you tell yourself the most often.

People called her “book-smart”
because she wore glasses
and was bad at math.
But she wasn’t really,
she was people-smart
in the way a scientist is rat-smart.

She’d sit on the swings at recess
and watch people
her eyes were concerned
like there was something they had
that she lacked.

Her locker was always empty
she took everything home
every night
she left
no residue
no aftermath
no memory behind.

She dreamed of living out of her car
and opening a coffeeshop
and being free.

She knew she was destined
to prove there was no such thing as destiny.
That we make our own reality.

And all of this you found
endearing and admirable.

Remember her?

…of course you wouldn’t.

You would have her more like this:

That weird nerd who doesn’t talk to anyone.
has long hair and draws on his pants,
is awkward in every conceivable way
- and possibly gay.

He spends all day in his notebook,
writing who-knows-what.
Who cares -

- about what his dreams were?
He was just another background character in your life.

There was one time you cheered him on,
at the hot-dog eating contest.
The only time you ever touched his hand
was to give him a high five for that.

You always pitted him.
silently.
Never out loud.

She was there.
Hiding behind his eyes.
And she loved you.
As much as one could love someone in seventh grade.

But you never loved her.
You couldn’t have.

She didn’t even know she existed yet.

I dreamt I was visiting Heaven

There was a riot going on.
The entire city in an uproar.
Glass shattered all over the Golden streets.
Children, hiding under their mother's wings.

Nobody knew where God was.

In the middle of the city,
In an otherwise empty park
stood a large monument
to the Son and his chariot.

It was there,
at the feet of our savior,
I watched this angel
set their wings on fire.

The sign by their feet
in crudely written black marker, read:

“In solidarity with my brothers:
Who will burn forever for sins
I didn't have the freedom to commit.”

O death, I see you
walking slowly to my door
humming a sweet song

In a sharp night light
shaking away a long sleep
the moonflower wakes

Wise words once whispered:
Only a **** eats and drinks
Granny's flesh and blood