do you think she can hear our prayers to her
I can't speak but my voice is hooked onto the wind
I just wanted a better place to be
but we can't stop her from taking us away from here
and maybe that's not as horrible as we thought
there's a dry terrible taste on my lips now
I've forgotten what came before this
a bird chirps hopefully just outside
her hand's around my throat now and I can't breathe
but I'm smiling while looking into her eyes
because I still trust her to hold me
even though now my legs are going numb
maybe it's just so that I can't feel
the rising water all around

I need to crawl my way out of this hole I shoved myself into
I need to stop eating dirt and pushing myself farther down
and then screaming and sobbing and wondering how
I got myself so stuck so far down so breathless so hopeless
I need to find a way to distinguish myself from the air around me
I need to find a way to make sure I don’t float away
I need to find a better answer to people asking what’s wrong
better than holding onto glossy eyes and twisting the blade
I need a weight to remind me if I float too high I can’t breathe

the lights going down in a theatre when the movie is about to start
the way a room full of people can hold its breath
casual desk chats with my coworkers
lying on my bed with my closest friends after a night out dancing
brushing skin with beautiful people on my way to the bathroom
handshakes from new people
sitting in a crowded train where no one speaks a word
crying in the bar when girls just wanna have fun comes on
nights full of wine and movies and jokes with friends
watching everyone run inside when it starts to rain
being in a loud and warm restaurant after just the right combination of alcohol and food
hearts packed together pretending we're all alone
hugs from my family and friends
playful cheek kisses
the kindness of drunk girls in the bathroom
something weird or funny happening on the train and everyone looking at each other trying not to laugh
listening to new music as the city goes by my window
seeing how happy people get when their food finally comes
quips we say to no one in particular
hugging in the street before getting into an uber
sitting in a cafe for hours talking about the state of the world
how everyone seems to be smiling on a sunny and nice day
the look on anyone's face when they tell me it's going to be okay

(hi,) hi. (how was your weekend?)
i spent in on nothing. i spent it
trying to cover up a sensation.
(i went for a run), or (i went to the gym.)
it felt like static inside my head. it
felt like static through my legs. what
kind of free time is spent feeling
like static, like pins poking and
needles pulling? (then i made dinner
for the family.) i spent time in a toxic
hole that people have helped me
out of many times before. i just keep
diving back in. you should learn
by now, you should learn. you’re
doing everything you can to learn.
it’s just not sinking in. it’s okay.
sometimes there are just topics
we’ll never be able to understand.
(walked the dog, went to the store.)
sat in space for hours and watched
the sun rise, watched the sun set,
wondered how it became two
useless days later already. guess it’s
time for bed. (so what did you do?)
oh, nothing much, pretty quiet.

She woke up with a rage pulsing in her fingertips / She woke up with thunder in her blood and she couldn’t remember how it got there / but it had gotten in there / She pulled back the curtains thinking the sun would be the cure / There wasn’t any cure / But she didn’t know that yet / There was only monopolizing care / plenty of care at the urge of a button / but the sun / she thought / Surely this must be enough / so it was pulled back / highlighting every wrong / It wasn’t a cure / It was never going to be a cure / just a mirror for her to see where all the harm had gone / to remind her that it was again time to sweep it up / under the pile of unwashed clothes / under the weapons / under the reassurances / She woke up with a rage pulsing in her fingertips / She woke up surrounded by clay walls / and she had no other option / but to claw her way out

I know you're not my fault
And I know I couldn't have stopped it
But it's so hard to believe
When I'm always reminding myself
How connected we all are
And there's a weight once a month
Where you'll come up again
Where I think I see you on the streets
Before I remember that you're gone
Frozen in time as someone
I thought I couldn't like
But now in emptiness
All I want
Is to know who you were
To know what pulsed through your mind
Before it shut off
But of course I know already
I deny it of myself everyday
But it's always there
Throbbing and ready to take me
So I flinch or wince
And push it away
But the only end I see
Is one where it wins

I’m walking through you
remembering when
the snow made it hard to stay still
Now everyone seems to be slipping
when a few yesterdays ago we’re remembered as
perfect silhouettes
endlessly tracing ourselves into the earth
We weren’t without fault then either
but from tomorrow it seems like paradise