When my mother weeps at my books of poetry,
when my father denies ever having a claim on me --
that's when you'll know I was a black sheep.

The rooms -- grey, filter-feeding off my teetering sanity--
shrivel with my crippled ambition,
I've seen the backrooms, full of aching flesh;
I've seen the bathrooms, full of ***** and proud boys,
I've been the "self-proclaimed ******* of my generation";
I've driven women to the same ***,
but all my memories burn madly --
their lessons
turn to smoke,
kiss my nostrils--
leave me alone just long enough
for a therapeutic winter --
full of wine and an earnest-eyed love.

When my lioness needs to roam,
When my best friends turn runner-up --
that's when you'll tell me, "you've done this to yourself".

The fields -- flattened by snarling winds and preying beasts --
provide a place to lay my head,
I've wailed at the wall;
I've murdered the crying crow,
I've been Delilah'd;
I've driven to the dark corners -- hiding from illuminating eyes --
but time reoccurs like a small town parade --
the old men become cartoons in tiny cars,
the beauty queens never age,
the horses always **** the pavement,
and we ignorantly track in it --
bringing it to the heirloom rugs and beige carpet,
only to spend the rest of our lives cleaning.

The air conditioner hiccups,
as the second half of
Cole Berlin crosses himself--
a face deeply creased by consequence,
looks to the west,
a surrendering sun fractured--
broken by hundreds of stories--
tons of concrete--
mountains of glass,
and the gentlest gloom.

Mr. Berlin's body devours itself--
as the critics and even the diehard fans
run out of time to play "remember when".
The reality enters,
at first no more than an annoying stomach pang,
then growing,
feasting,
shouting,
until each cell knows--
no time for the comeback.

Whatever beams of sun were once banded,
now dismiss themselves,
as night subs in--
Mr. Berlin, closes the curtains of his mind,
falls to the floor,
"Sorry folks, no encore this time".

A week he lay festering,
no more a replica--
only a ruin.
A fly in a web,
rotating on a world without end,
the record, it spits, skips, smolders in ditch,
contaminating the soil,
the virus gently purrs perfection,
no hiccup, no hallucination--
only swag up for collection.

she shrieks when she speaks--
she hooks me up,
transfusion--
black venom for my veins,
madness in place of melody,
or even respectable melancholy,
the guitar crawls,
the same notes beating it to death,
she shrieks when she speaks--
the sounds intertwine,
birthing a million-pound, ******* headache--
the runaway claustrophobia blues hit hard--
I unbutton my wrinkled shirt, throw it
against the couch,
Rachel asks me not to leave without her--
but when the madness bites hard,
she drags her feet.

I leave Rachel and the shards of my soul
somewhere between the dogpiss rug
and the whitewashed door--
enter the night,
soulless,
my ape body half-alive--
thirsty to die,
the wind eats my exposed skin,
my arms pump locomotion,
hop curb, clear cracks, gaps,
faster. faster. faster.
I scream,
echoes rattle the complex,
a child watches on a distant doorstep--
get ready kid, the next dose:
yours--

Jake was a pussyhound in a city of *****.
"Hey man, can I ask for some advice"
--a common conversation-starter device;
I riddled his brain with disdain,
he armored up--
the ignorance card draining from his sleeve.
He once taught me a lesson greedily kept celestial.
Purely accidental--
lost in the beginnings of spring,
he strolled into my daydream,
sharpened his fingertips on my shoulder blades,
my heart struggled to beat under my mind's premonition--
"I ****** Susie, Sally, and Sam. Satan's summer in a bedroom--
needless to say, I was enthralled."

As the landscape of their bodies took shape
in my shuddering skull, the cancer took.
Details--details, more details, pretty please,
conquest, conquest, more, more,
gimme more.

kneeling before a cardboard cut-out
     of the son of god on a cardboard throne--
I lower my head, lace my fingers, and ask
     can I be ***** and holy?
     can I be thirsty for the milk and hungry for the steak?
     can I rewrite and walk off the dock?
     can I smudge mascara and watercolor her form?
     can I point the finger and hold the smoking gun?
     can I hustle and innocently dream?
     can I die and seem more than I mean?