Beastly
Eccentric
Aesthetic
Used
Terrified
Insignificant
Finished­
Unsure
Loved but doesn't realize it

Let’s write on these blank walls
Let’s put color on these blank walls
I’m tired of these blank walls

Let’s fill this place with life
For now, it’s dead and desolate
For now, the walls are blank
For now, the room is blank
For now, this place is blank

Fill it words, color, and life
This blank place I cannot handle
This blank place will surely cause me to go

I’m insane so they say
I’m insane because I gave this place color, words, and life
I’m insane because I prefer my head than reality

Fill this place with words, color, and life
Watch it become the place you call home
Now this place is no longer blank, the walls are not blank, the room is not blank
I am not blank

Chem is trying, I am Chem for now
Haunting
Exhausting
Maybe don't need it
I'm failing
Stupid than the rest
Trying
Receding
You're laughing

Take control
Have control

If I give you control then you can't force it out of me
I may not like it but you can take it

I gave you control over one thing now take the rest
You seemed to like that

Control me as you do
I don't care anymore

Just know this
I can play too

‘The tribe has spoken’
‘It just has to be them’
‘Don’t worry, the pain will be over soon’
‘Just go! Leave! We don’t want you!’
‘Freak!’
‘WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!?’
‘CAN’T YOU SEE YOU’RE NOT WANTED!’

They say words can’t **** you.
Yeah, that’s true they can’t **** not on the outside.
They **** you slowly from the inside.
It doesn’t matter how strong you think you are, how strong you say you are.
They **** you and they don’t care.
Words are one of the deadliest things out there.
It doesn’t matter who you are.

There are words that can **** you and the things they do with the words too will destroy you.
I don’t care how old I get or how old you get.
I don’t care who you are.
I don’t care why you do what you do.
I only want to know why.
Why hurt me?
Why hurt the ones who have stood by you when you were on your knees trapped underwater; not able to breathe, not really living.
Why hurt them?
Don’t you know that the ones who hurt you are the ones you hold so highly? Can’t you see they are still hurting you?

Though I do guess all dark minds do think alike.
I guess your mind turned dark some time ago now.
I was just too blind to see it.
I guess nothing like that matters now, does it?
You are on your own.
I’m done always coming second in your life and for you.
I hope you got what you wanted, my dark mind…

science is kickin' me
I'mma kick back
...
I kicked back
science kicked back harder
then beat me when I was down
...
it's fine I like science's pain
science can beat me and beat me
...
but I will win in the end

We are dropping like flies.
Who holds the flyswatter?

I can count really high
I don't know what number though
But I can count really really really high

I can count and run and jump and skip
I fixed the way I said my 's' and 'z'

I smile nicely like I'm supposed to
I do everything you ask

I tried to show you when I was younger
But you weren't interested
You looked and scoffed
Then turned away

I guess I never really caught your attention
I never have
I never did
I never will

Why am I not good enough for you?

They ask me everyday "how's your boyfriend?"
I know they don't care, not in the slightest
I tell them "I don't know"

I want to tell them though
I want to tell them everything

I want to tell them most days I don't think we are actually dating
Most days I don't think he gives a **** about me
Most days I want to scream "look at me I'm here and I love you"
I want to tell them, but they don't actually care, they are only taunting

I love him, I love him with every fiber of my being
I don't think it's safe anymore
I stopped caring about my safety when I'm with him
He is a drug that I constantly want and yearn for
He clouds my mind and takes my breath away
He is there when I'm awake, asleep, and somewhere in between

He is my drug and to him I am nothing

They ask me everyday "how's your boyfriend?"
Every day I answer honestly with "I don't know"
To them, I am lying
I'm not lying when I say I don't know
We don't talk like that anymore

I love him
Does he love me?
I may never know

I wish I was good enough,
But, in reality,
I guess I never will be.
Not now,
not ever.
I know this because,
I am me.

The truth is I am not her,
I know I am not her,
I can not make you laugh as she can,
Because I am not her.
I am me.

I am not pretty,
I am not smart,
I am not funny,
I am not kind,
sometimes I am happy,
But, most times I am depressed.
I am me.

There are things I can do better than her;
I can love you like she can not,
I am faithful to you and only you,
I would die for just not live for you,
I can be the shoulder you cry on,
I can be a one night stand if needed,
I can stand by your side on your worst day,
I can praise you when you can’t do it yourself,
I can smile if you need me to,
I can be whoever you need me to be,
I just can’t be her;
I am me.

I will never be good enough for you,
I will always be your last choice,
I won’t ever even be your second choice,
I will be your last choice,
Sadly, I know this,
Sadly, I’m okay with this,
But then again,
I am me.

Everything hurts again.
I don’t want it to but it does.
It hurts and I can’t do anything about it.

My heart is ripped out there are teeth sinking into it.
Claws are marking my body again.
My mind is being burned by the fire.

Yet this time
I can’t feel the claws
I can’t feel the fire.
I only feel the teeth.

They’re sharp
they’re deadly
this time they will win
I will lose.

I don’t want to win this one.
They can have each other
I’ll stick to myself now.

I’m done with this game
I’m done with this temporary light.

At least in the darkness, I’ll be there
I know who else is there too.
No one it’s just me
I’m okay with that.
I’ll sit in the dark with myself.

Yet still
"I love you until my dying day"

Congratulations you have won.
You have won the **** battle I’ve been fighting with you for years.
I hope you're happy now we’re both going down.
I’m going to drag you with me, and you don’t get a choice.
You see you destroyed what I held closest to me.
You destroyed you.
You have won I’m done…

You beat the animal and the beast that lives within me.
You don’t even care, do you?
I know this is foolish of me.
It’s foolish of me I don’t want to say goodbye.
I don’t want to say goodbye.
I don’t want to hurt anymore…
I’m tired of trying to please you.
You still continue to hurt me time and time over again.

Now that you have won, I just want to say I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I was such a *****-up.
I’m sorry and I’m sorry…
I’m sorry you had to be put up with all my *******.
Now I’m done…

It’s easy to lie to those you are around that never truly see you.
It may feel not right but it’s easy.
It’s easy to do what you need to do, to live to thrive.
I don’t know how I would tell you the truth about me anymore…

I never did think that you would believe me.
I never thought you would believe my biggest lie yet…
The lie where I say I’m fine, I’m alright, I’m happy…
You believed them.
Yet every other lie I told you sometimes even the truth you barely believed or you never believed…

I lie to everyone around me.
Though sometimes the truth does slip through my mouth.
You however never seem to notice.
You brush it off like it’s nothing.
You turn your head the other way.
You walk away and don’t look back…

I've been searching for the light
I'm trapped in the dark
In a cold cold room

I'm begging you to let me out
I'm pounding and pounding on everything around me
Yet I'm still here

The dark is consuming me
I'm stuck in the dark with no light in sight

I have different marks lacing my body,
Some I love,
Some I know,
Some I don’t have a clue,
Others I hate.

Each has a story,
Some I love,
Some I know,
Some I don’t have a clue,
Others I hate.

There are too many to count,
I can count the recent ones,
Three total, all will fade,
Will they fade in time?

They have four days,
One person knows, kinda.

Then the questions will come,
I hate the questions,
After the questions will come the lies,
After the lies comes the guilt.

These marks hurt,
Not just physically.

I have different marks lacing my body,
Some I love,
Some I know,
Some I don’t have a clue,
Others I hate.

I am a nameless face.
You know my face, not my name.
You think you know me when you don’t.
You don’t know anything about me.
I have seen more things than a war veteran.
I have done more than a ******* does without the money.
Yet still, I am a Nameless Face...

My face won’t tell you my story.
That is something you have to ask for.
I may not like my past, but I can’t change it now can I?
My past is apart of me.
And I am a nameless face…

I have been apart of this world for 16 years.
And I still am a nameless face.
No matter what I do.
No matter what I write.
This is not who I am.
This is not what I want to be.
I have never been one to just say what is on my mind.
I can’t say what I think about anything.
I don’t want to know any more than what I already do.
This life I live is truly going to **** me.
Even if I can hold on for one day one second.
Will it have all been worth it?

I don't know what's going on anymore
I feel like they are all falling apart
There's nothing I can do for them.
They slip through my grasp
They continue falling.

Well not anymore
This time I will be there at the bottom with them

When they're all ready to go back up
I'll help them up again.

But I wonder will anyone stay with me
Or will I stay alone in this pit?

I'd rather it be me than them though.

Today is just like any other
     Today is just like any other
          Today is just like any other
               Today is just like any other
                   Today is just like any other and I can't stand it

I am trapped in my own home
I am trapped in my own home
I am trapped in my own home

                   I am closing my eyes now maybe it will be better
                   I am closing my eyes now maybe it will be better
                   I am closing my eyes now maybe it will be better


    It's not better it's worse
    It's not better it's worse
    It's not better it's worse
    It's not better it's worse



                                                   My fists are pounding
                                                   My fists are pounding
                                                   My fists are pounding
                                                   My fists are pounding
                                                   My fists are pounding
                                                   My fists are pounding

I'm trapped in my mind
I'm trapped in my mind
I'm trapped in my mind
I'm trapped in my mind
                                                            ­      I'm screaming
                                                       ­           I'm screaming
                                                       ­           I'm screaming
                                                       ­           I'm screaming
                                                       ­           I'm screaming
                                                       ­           I'm screaming


                                           No one is there
                                           No one is there
                                           No one is there
                                           No one is there
                                           No one is there
                                           No one is there
                                           No one is there



I'm alone again
I'm alone again
I'm alone again
I'm alone again
I'm alone again
I'm alone again


                                                         ­                           Goodbye
                              ­                                                      Goodbye
   ­                                                                 ­                Goodbye
                                         ­                                           Goodbye
              ­                                                                 ­     Goodbye
                                                    ­                                Goodbye

They say when one door closes another one opens.
Well, then why is every door I go through one door I can’t get through the next one?
Why can’t I go back as others do?
I’m forever stuck and I can’t get out.
I’ve been trying for so long to get through any door at this point, but I’m stuck and I’m stuck good.
I know there is a door there, it’s just invisible or maybe I’m just blind..?

I want out, I want to be happy just like you are.
I want what you have; a happy life no worries, someone who asks you if you’re okay when you’re even the slightest bit sad.
I envy you. I envy so many of you and don’t even seem to realize it. Why?

I tried so hard to fit in and pretend to be happy for you.
In the end that’s all, I was doing, pretending to be happy so you could think everything is perfect.
When in all reality it’s not!!
I fight every day just to put on a smile and fake everything you see and think is happy, it’s a lie.

You must be used to those by now coming from me, right?
The lies that leave my mouth, after all, there are thousands upon thousands of them, some I hide well I guess and others I don’t…
Or maybe the ones you figured out I wanted you to figure them out.
After a while, too many lies and you feel a little overwhelmed.
It’s not like I can’t handle feeling overwhelmed, it's just that I got too tired and I couldn’t take it anymore…
I’m sorry for this I truly am…

You think you’re so slick?
You got away with a few things sure.
Little do you know I let you get away that time
Little do you know I let you get away all times before

Slick is what you think you are
Slick is what you are not

Think again little one
Best think long and hard
Think twice and then think more
Think until you don’t think you’re slick anymore

You are many things
Slick is what you are not

Someday I will be gone and you will wonder why.
I’m here to tell you why.
What I want you to do…
So listen and listen closely…

To start I don’t want you to get sad and depressed and cry…
I’m not something to be dwelled on…
I was never the important one…
I was always the last choice, never fully wanted…
I want you to live your life…
I want you to be happy like I tried so hard to be and just failed…
Long gone I was before I met you, farther and farther I fell away from everyone…

Someday I’ll be gone and you’ll think back to everything…
You’ll wonder why of all things.
You’ll ask yourself where did you go wrong
Then you’ll think it wasn’t you but it was me…
In all reality, it was both of us, all of us…
Everyone who was blind…
Everyone who never spoke up with their mouths sewed shut…
Me for never being able to speak up
Not being able to say this is what’s wrong with me please help me…

There are days better than others...
They just don’t happen often...
I know that they say hold on just a little while longer...
It will be alright.
When?
When will it be alright?

I’ve been trying to hold on just a little while longer
But each passing day it only seems to get worse
How can I live when my mind wants to die?
My body is begging and pleading to live..
My mind is begging and pleading to die…
What one do I listen to?

My heart stays out of it
My heart says it’s up to you to decide
My heart is no help...
My heart is broken...
My heart can’t take one more break….
My heart still beats
My heart is lost…

My heart is caught in the middle of all the fighting
My mind is battling my body
My life is now almost nothing to you or anyone
I told you this means nothing to me
Yet you still sit there blind
Yet you still act like everything is fine
Everything is perfect in your eyes