the shadow works, 2005-2006

might as well keep them all together ...
a journey through the shadowz ...
through the possessions ...
through the hell ...
through me ...
through!
whew!

during this time, i sought support from an indian medicine man, a shaman, past life regression therapist, and a variety of other spiritual healers ... some of those, narrated in depth, elsewhere ...

the enclosed is probably not of interest to many,
understood, yet offered up,
as a journey,
narrated through times,
via rhymes


Heavy

May 6, 2005

I feel knee deep in a bog
Tackling responsibility for emotions
Are these weights a lesson
Projections reflected

I want things smooth
Light and carefree
I don’t seek control
But expect absence of impact

I can’t buy, reason or work
My way out of this challenge
Each time faced head on
I give up ground and accommodate
To point of compromise
No side is right here
What is, just is

I have my perceptions
And filters
And the weight intensifies
I want to dissolve it
Haven’t figured out how
Depression, heavy
Rooted inside

How do I break free
I feel alone
Even within myself
I don’t know
The reflection
In the mirror

There is a longing to be free
Unchained
Unbound
To live
To sleep
To find balance
Chasm

I want to be
What I feel I’m not
I don’t celebrate
What I perceive
Myself to be

I seek void
Death
Rebirth
Ha
Do this again
Easier
To take flight
Black
Grey
White

Tears
Rip across my chest
Seeking
To release my heart
Bound and chained
I want them to flow
Pent emotions
Seek exorcism

I haven’t surrendered
I don’t accept
Open I bleed
Closed I store pain

I want to feel flow

Nothing aligned
Empty I know
Torn
Shredded
Fragments and shards
Differentially
Scattered

Ungrounded
Not whole
I want to go home
Here come the tears
Smiles


Dark Envelop

July 9, 2005

Feeling my way through the illusion
Finding no solace in delusion
Have my angels found another to watch over
Are my whispers no longer heard and contemplated

As I believe I do my best
I don’t convince even myself
So much struggle and challenge
Why do I even travel
Away from my bed

Prodded along
Voices and dialogs
In my head

I could start again tomorrow
Wait, I have done that before
Somewhere within, my shadow sneers
Chaotic and off balance, I’m fodder
Material for my shadow’s jeers
******, ***** and stripped bare
Seeking a single reason to care
Am I victim to want it all fair

Now

I recognize this place
Hell etched in my face
I could so easily quit
Leave the game’s race
Always another will replace
Scripts each written on ****** mace

Not yet ready

Lessons to learn
Though I yearn
Tis not my time to rest
Not until this unconscious
With which I wrest
Is balanced and addressed
Then, only, will it be my turn
I’ll find some sun
Seek beauty and joy
Transcend this marathon run

I’m not the universe’s toy


Reflections from the Void

August 21, 2005

So, this is death!
all distractions departed
leaving emptiness, not loneliness
gnawing absence of purpose, manifests in tears

Purgatory,
between somethings that felt to have mattered
without logical linkage
between then, now and the next then

Transitions require momentum
energy is here, but failing direction
what pursuit of new experience calls
none … these moments

Sleep comes easy, frequently
no dreams revealed in the aftermode
void … passionless … lethargic … empty … void
emotionless?

Looking for some elixir
to heal, to know, to feel …
the game continues / with tears of the void
the potential unknown
I guess I do feel alone …

why … what the **** is the point … anyways …
does this rub … offend … ????

this, my creation, my expression of infinite potential, capacity, too bad that
I have no TV to distract …
guess I need to process through …

ps …
if you receive this – love you …
for what it is worth ...

I guess I am ‘OK’, just feeling my way through ………..


Heart of Sadness

November 6, 2005

Incredible, my heart screams of sadness
as I accept and surrender
Surrender to what I have wrought,
what I did from my state of pain

Our pain breeds more pain, often,
and feeds back upon itself
Amplifying toward a crescendo
of intensity felt viscerally

As our hearts ache
In deepening depression,
I feel spoiled that I want more
than I have
I feel I should harden up
and move forward,
towards, what …

If I harden up, I harden my heart
and it feels now is the moment
to dive into this pain,
to learn from this pain,
to grow from this pain,
to understand from this pain,
to rebuild my heart in an open way

Experience the pain in full color
experience the loneliness,
experience the emptiness,
experience my void,
experience my sorrow,
experience my defeat,
experience yet another death,
experience my drama,
experience my immaturity,
experience my dysfunctional self,
experience the consequences,
experience the responsibility,
experience the resentment of myself,
experience the anger at myself,
experience the pain,
experience the bleeding,
experience the desolation,
experience the emotions raw,
experience the tears,
experience the shredding in my heart

grow in compassion,
grow in empathy,
grow in unconditional love,
grow in reverence,
grow in acceptance,
grow in maturity,
grow in awareness

I don’t need to sacrifice,
I need to celebrate

I don’t need to enable,
I need to empower

I don’t need to think,
I need to feel

I don’t need to protect,
I need to love

I don’t need to speak,
I need to listen

I don’t need to hurt or project,
I need to heal


Returning Home, Changed

November 8, 2005

a lover scampered off
then returned past time
after everything shifted
in another’s heart
and mind

old windows shuttered
no quarter taken or given
thus tears held reign
from processed pain

now at an advanced arc
on the circle of love
lessons in alchemy
seem sent from above

this journey now vectored
with independent trajectories
finding different connection
within renewed reflection

the cat broke the home
the archer wandered on
now on new paths
each does roam

the cat is changing
experiencing nature anew
with life rearranging
deeply ranging

in love with you


Shadow Teachings

November 14, 2005

We have known all along
yet didn’t trust those feelings
As our subconscious takes charge
when we fall asleep at the wheel

Just as we continue to breathe
within each moment of slumber
Some segment within us
will always surface
to chart our courses

With each emotion left
unexpressed in the moment
another is drawn forth and purged

Cycling
Withhold, Withdraw, Project
The truth will set us free
If we have courage to reveal
And the truth clears out
emotions, two by two
one new, one buried
Creating space
allowing

Love,

Courage,

Creativity,

Understanding,

Joy­,

Celebration,

Illumination,

Growth,

LIFE

Express or Suppress

a Choice

of Voice

Opportunity found
in stormy weather
repairing the roof
in the rain

We may heal together
With whomever
NOW, then or never

It commences
via
loving thy self

Reinforced in experience
beyond words from
books on the shelf

WE WRITE OUR SCRIPTS

WE CREATE OUR EXPERIENCE

WE ARE RESPONSIBLE

WE ARE CREATORS CREATING

HOLD REVERENCE IN OUR POWER

FOR TRANSMUTING ENERGY

WITH LOVE


Be Impeccable of Word
(seasons of silence and truth to be expressed),

Don’t Take It Personal
(while observing the internal CHARGE!),

Don’t Make Assumptions
(they are mostly our projections!),

Do Your Best
(while ready for universal fireworks!)


Reflections Forward

November 30, 2005

Where am I going
with what I feel today
finding pure simplicity
laughter, being, love and play

Wisdom’s foundation built
on wisps of reflections past
absorbed experience
never allowed to wilt

My soul
has been heard
that incessant screaming
now
finally ceased
still raw
yet healing
moment
by moment
with each regression
new levels encountered
it was always
my lessons
cycling
for conclusion
the tool is divine
yet a challenge
to master
wanting
to be there
faster
just where
right here
presence
in now

Tao

honor in flow
faith in it all
no withdraw
from my call


Crumbles

Whelp, that was intense
Wrong words
Wrong tone
Wrong subject

How fast creation
changes
dissolves
and begins
Anew

Suddenly
all the discussion
all the plans
all the harmony
evaporated
reminding me
to look back within

I didn’t know
we were that fragile
without enough
foundation
relation

What does this circumstance
reflect about me
never independent
at least I remained calm
and found compassion
without projection

I honored the four agreements
as I watched you cry
as I absorbed the barbs flung
and chose not to deflect
mostly
silent
as I elected
to simply reflect
on your pain
your sorrow
that I couldn’t
prevent
heal
or soften

The dream has faded
the future now foggy
I know depression
I know sadness
I know empathy
and love

I choose life
I choose growth
I choose to heal
I choose to love

Paths feel divergent
with new adventure
just around the corner

I gave my love
my attention
affection
and soul

Angels!!!!!
support me now
as I shed these tears
listen as I call

I won’t stagger
much
I won’t fall
but face
unknown years
unknown fears

Nobody Knew Me

2006.01.31

No other soul
Experienced me
Fully authentic
As I lay hiding
From myself
Doubting
I could survive
Naked

When my Mother
Declared
My friend
And Lover
Was EVIL
My delusion
Fractured

Within moments
Over days
Illusions crumbled
Imploded
In fragments
Then shards
Of recognition
Crept
Then flooded in

I found myself
In darkness
Exposed and bare
I had strove
With my unique intensity

To be
Validated
Nurtured
Wanted
Touched
And Loved

To obtain these desires
I Compromised
I Manipulated
I Projected
I Overwhelmed

I would then Withdraw
I closed my eyes
Then my ears
Then my touch
Then my mind
And finally my heart

I wove stories
And swam, immersed
In my lies

My truth and core
Thus illuminated
In both peace
And tears of sorrow
I have been alone
I belong alone
I shall be alone
While I meet
Myself, now
Innocent
Again

I release Mom’s rejection
Transmuting her reflection
And transfiguring
Her projection

Thank you, Mother
You missed just one aspect

The EVIL was MINE
I created my experience
To break my own chains
Script complete
Curtain falls
No applause
No audience
Now
Silence

Nobody knew me
Not
Even
Me

Tears
Joy to follow


Unwelcome Back
2006.03.17

The dark visitors have arrived
and tears stream down my checks
are these demons
another component of ‘me’?

I call, sincerely
on angels and help
yet remain feeling
disconnected

Tonight was supposed to be
about sharing, growth
and healing
yet why, again
am I left reeling

Am I paying
for karmic bonds
both instant and past
is it time,
yet again,
to merely fast
to turn off these emotions
suppress yet another round

I have again
found the deep pain
why is it so hard
to love
and transcend my pain

There are keys
I haven’t yet found
there are messages
silent in sound

I don’t know myself
though I look with intensity
I apologize
here and now
for exposing myself
projecting myself
dragging anyone down
to my despair
felt beyond repair

Harr!

this IS the trap
feeling alone
feeling the sorrow
missing the balance
reveling in another tomorrow

This game is ****** up
get over it now
bring forth the light
shine in true essence
become
in presence
it is easy to quit
resign and give up

Hail beyond!!!!!!!!!
Creators transcend
right up
from the muck

I am spending the day engaging my pining paths, the recurrent feelings of deep longing and prolonged unfulfilled desires, excavating these facets to surface consciousness, treating my desires as ~ G ~ E ~ M ~ S ~, not to be shunned or left buried. I am now recognizing these are soul level expressions to be celebrated, with and without abandon of permanence. These are my soul's scripts, and as they intersect interdependently with others in my relationships, they are essential components of the juice and energies that define me.

So I've engaged my angels and guides, and taken to scribe, these processes of my heart's harmonizing and soul's solstice. As a singular sun, my firespark has indeed been, furthest from the celestial equator of my own integration, playing and equating in realms of derivatives and hedged parlays. Becoming whole is feeling not to be really any core change at all, beyond embracing everything I am in each thought, emotion and deed, illuminating all that has been self concealed as the acts in the play of parlays unfold.

Through heart's laden sadness, my pining bursts through in fiery release now, fuel and fire, found festering, without need like Prometheus, to steal it from some god beyond and outside myself. Today is a celebration of acceptance, these energies and motivations based in my pining are my essence and as essential as my feline purrs. So as I embrace these buried abstractions and etch and scribe them into prose, they become more than historic and nostalgic memories, they become living remembrance of who I am and what a wide spectrum of imaginative and creative energy and intention I posses to draw upon. This is me, the soul, coming into a more robust integration and empowerment, as I accept, and then utilize each hue of my rainbow ... blending resonant ratios of each color's wavelength, leaving none excluded, nor seeking to change what is already in suffused perfection.


So when this script's scene
plays out to conclusion
tangential vectors and points
on spiral paths shall intercede

and this unmasked energy
and reclaimed consciousness
sourced in shadow's
facets illuminated
and embraced
leaves me
annealed

and, i'll be less distracted
by unrecognized emotions
and motivations unclaimed

i've never been more honest
or self understood
transparency serves me well,
dissolving the spell

and i'm enraptured,
discovering, treasures,
and my first genuine,
comfort within,
my own skin

i've grown more
in three weeks
than perceived
even possible
or imagined

so now,
beyond these
shed years
'n tears
'n fears
i etch,
these moments
i embrace,
these moments as
soul's scribe
upon foundations
of the bedrock laid
with my heart, scarified
through emotion's oceans of tears
carving new channels, for my love to flow

soulprints tamping, fertilized medium
i'm embracing too, next cycling, season of spring
embracing my passions in desire, with fire
and intentions of more consciousness
and loving from whence
i'll further
blossom,
grow
and
**glow

Today
the earth
below me
provided energy
the grass and trees
around me
provided energy
the sky
above me
provided energy
the sun
beyond me
provided energy

Giving
in unique ways
asking
nothing in return

Red and Orange
from the earth
Yellow
from the sun
Green
from the grass and trees
Blue
from the sky

Chakras opened
to receive
spinning in glee
absorbing these gifts
I feel life,
and alive
I feel love,
and loved

Love in the balance
Love in the beauty
Love in the bounty

I have waited for spring
longing for just this flow
conversion of perception
shifting the Assemblage point

From this new fulcrum
comes further recognition
we are here learning
to create safe
nurturing spaces
for each other

Our gifts to give
are to respect
to encourage
to celebrate
to support
to cherish
to shelter
to create
to listen

to guide
to adore
to heal

Living
Loving
Unconditionally

Visualize this space
Deep roots of a tree anchoring
Strong trunk of a tree supporting
Branches of a tree expanding creation
Leaves of a tree celebrating life

Allowing each other
to be and express
in safety and love
we may create this
as gifts for each other
manifesting in our Power
bridging Heavens and Earth

i remember these times
yeah ... i remember these lines
when i tell myself, i'll get over you
that one day, some day,
only the sky 'n oceans 'll be blue

it just isn't ... it isn't just yet
'cause we're still together,
in nearly all of my dreams
even after hope has faded,
and sadness leaves me jaded

i remember these times
yeah ... i remember these lines
when i tell myself, i'll soon be fine
one day beyond, this cycling pine

funny, when i recognize the clue,
in the fullness i felt, embraced by you
when we cycled between attractions,
challenged, with growth and reactions

i remember these times
yeah ... i remember these lines
when i tell myself, it never seems,
that others share, my sorts of dreams
'cause if that were true, we'd be together,
yet these relationships, drift away on a feather

i remember these times
yeah ... i remember these lines
when i tell myself, we were a success,
distracted in focus, we forgot to redress

now stepping forward, unsteady again
with your essence now etched eternal
i don't recall, how to love and forget
so i'll cherish those dreams,
full hearted
'cause at least there,
we've never parted

immersed in these spaces,
whence lyrics are etched
and living the consequences
of our daily trespasses

owning these moments
i remember these times
yeah ...

i remember
these
lines

Standing on my feet
I imagine myself complete
now longing to find tickle
in my heart, soul and mind

With love ready to share
I imagine myself healed
whilst lingering within
always more to be revealed

From practice in forgiving
I imagine my fears now shed
open to love without limit
precious moments of living

Through past effort built
I imagine myself as now
healthy, wealthy and wise
prepared for any surprise

Now I will watch for thee
I imagine you ready for me
let us magically intersect
nurturing peace and respect

Under heaven she is there
I imagine her a maiden fair
may she now manifest
my heart she needn't wrest

Upon my oath shall she'll know
I imagine the love we'll share
commitment and honesty bare
supporting smiles and glow

She'll engage my archetypes
I imagine Lover, Poet and Knight
She'd walk beside me
she'd take my hand
she'd love in glee
if blessed we'd be
One Love Stand

Every woman
carries the archetype
of the Goddess
to be celebrated

For each man
to experience
himself
within her

She'll make him feel
in ways beyond
stretching his core
left pining
for just a touch
more

Thus immersed
in sensation
of the Heart
Soul
and Mind
seeking relation
lost in elation

She brings
his life alive
with her expression
of spirit
and emotion
subtle poetry
rapture
in motion

Blessings
are these
nurturing moments
in immersion
of lunar eros
and solar power

Cyclical awareness
remembering when
joy filled his core
what he lives for

She is
recognized
celebrated
and adored
for she is love
she is expansion
she is essence
and essential

i am
sweetly impacted
by all she left
behind

she left
impressions of color
lingering unique scents
melodic wisps of songs
and expressive soul's lyrics

she left
slung syntax
breeding within
enhanced meanings
with changed leanings

she left
gentle footprints
across my heart's
shorelines and sands
from mirror and muse
i feel her weight
and caresses
upon me
still

in her wake
she left

... me ...

she left me
to myself
learning to realign
to becoming redefined
to draw upon imagination
and practice another spell
of solo creation
with what she
left behind
for me
to find

~ what you see depends upon how you look ~


Do you give
thus to receive
do you believe
thus to perceive

Who creates this reality
is yours a filter of mine
with that, are you fine
or this, do you reject
building need, to project

Nature of I, me, ye and we
the unresolved questions
looking at this now skewed
for something fresh to see

Contemplating on
separateness or connected
as one within All
mere duality and polarity
leading circularly to a fall
or a seemingly, solid, wall

What remains
if upon each experience
we remove the
where, when, why, who and how
allowing consciousness to find
some void and infinite emptiness
the unmanifested source
pure spring of creation
humor and elation
simple wow

Peering over the edge
risk loss of all definition
abandoned past pledge
to individuality
ego and self

From this death
might be found
song without sound
light without sight

Acceptance

Harmony

Peace

Love

Joy

Life

Now

Being

S­urrender

Reverence

without
further need
with amazement
and, child's wonder

unfolding
*beholding

I need a lot of work and love
and whilst i walk paths to there
i am here, 'cause, where else might i be?

Where else, indeed!
following my intentions and focus
reveals all the other realms
upon and within,
which i may,
and DO,
dwell

And thus, to remind myself of this, i write
tracking soulprints in my heart and mind
soulprints in my hand, across the land
soulprints in my ocean's emotions

Upon my return into each moment
beyond my pining for the elusive
i find the easiest tools, in prose
which is to be, in each emote
present in my presence
focusing on right now
as an adventure
**and gift

go ahead and form that contract
seeking reform and change
go ahead and vote
you can justify it
until the end
so pretend

just take the time
to understand that you enable
the system to wage war in your name
authorizing every dime

on the ****** morning after
yet, another election day
please remember that
the government that
you got is the one
you voted for
regardless
of your
**'vote'

even change, is now changing
and we grasp
for anchors

i feel, as if
surfing a wave
tunnel vision ahead
assurances,
absent
riding,
faith

There are others I’ve connected with, surfing the same front. Some have confidence, some feel protected, whilst others seem adventurously excited or propelled by absence of another accepted option. Each day, the media reflects what I have already felt, experience and life are reorganizing, a soup of energetic reconstitution.

in these least stable times,
we dance
on shifting sands

I note that some have already acclimated to the next age, busy integrating and finding new creative powers. I seek to surround myself in their energies, to assimilate peace, and comforting encouragement.

the world i knew, has ended
as each day
fades
into
night

in next dream
we commence, crafting
dreamscapes

just for today
i’ll paint
what i feel
feeling
what i paint

creative projection
**projecting creation

We are here
experiencing life
through the challenges
we find our opportunities
to transform our selves
back to our true selves
we are creators
weaving our way
from dark to light
stumbling teaches balance
as we recognize our divinity

We are all engaged
in the perfect symphony
will we pause
to listen today
as the melodies
harmoniously
ensue

As I grasp
for meaning
courage to continue
and purpose to be
I remember
as I’m reminded
to walk my path
in authenticity
sharing my honesty
my pain
and my joy
as I am open
to receive
from you
in celebration

The master plan
is our own creation
we designed it all
to learn to love
to honor
to allow

Take my hand
and I’ll lean
on your shoulder
shed a tear
and I’ll offer
a smile

Each moment
sequence
timing
and season
perfectly placed
in congruency
manifesting as it is
with perfect reason

Taking solace
and finding warmth
in our beauty
and our grace
locating truth