It was a love built
On time
Years spent and years
Lost
A love so complex
It could not be
Defined
In words
Only in touch
Your hand in mine
Said so much
Our eyes locked
Our souls eternally
Entwined

And then you were gone

We believe as long as we can
Then we learn what it means to pretend
We search for answers nowhere to be found
We want reasons, but they're too profound
For our minds, our simple minds to comprehend
We trapped on a circle that has no end

We inhale the poison, feel the pain melt away
We'll face the consequence, but on another day
We slip into a dream of what can never be
Blissful delusion sets our hearts free
When all is lost, all we can do is run
Until the sun, like the reaper, tells us our time's done

And I don't recall, did I put up a fight -
Or just hand you control?
You have no right to possess my soul
And I have no right to hate you -
For what I've done to myself

The sun falls down, day turns into night
Mama's little helper, turn this wrong into right
You're the thorn in my flesh, tearing into my soul
The sword in my side, a fire out of control
You were the start of my life, there was nothing 'til then
Now, my love, I fear you'll be the end

And I don't recall, did I put up a fight -
Or just hand you control?
You have no right to possess my soul
And I have no right to hate you -
But I hate you,  for what I've done to myself

When I looked into your eyes, and I saw her face
I thought I might die - but we always survive
(So I tell myself)
But I'm so tired, I hear my heart screaming out
As I go running through the rain
I can't believe
I can't believe
I'm loosing again
I see my face though a window
Lost
Like a child with no place to go
Can I just lie here and die
I don't want to survive
(But I always do)

Now, as I look into your eyes
I see a reflection of the promise that we made
And it all comes rushing back -
How dare you look at me that way!
I don't want to hear it
All the words you have to say
(But I always do)
I'm so tired, my heart's screaming out
As we're running through the rain
I can't believe
I can't believe
I'm falling again, like a child
That will not learn
How many times does it have to burn?

I close my eyes, and I try to turn away
It's better this way
It doesn't matter any more
The promise that we made
Only fools speak in the rain
Like children at play -
And if I opened up my eyes
If I looked inside yours
Whose face would I see?
It doesn't matter any more
The promise that we made
It doesn't matter any more
Only fools speak in the rain

Empty Hopes we burry deep in our minds
Empty promises turn to dreams we'll never find
Words lost in the heart lay silent on our lips
Unfulfilled desires never touch our fingertips
Opportunities lost we carry like a cross
Words left unsaid we cannot count the cost
Love turns scholars into fools
Time, we learn to live by her  rules

We see what we want, but we live with the truth
We get so tangled up, we can't cut ourselves lose
We need what we need, so we do what we do
No one ever knows how red turns into blue
So we live with our choices and the lives that we made
We walk down the road on the  paths that we pave
Regrets?  I guess I have a few
It hurts, sometimes, when I look at you

Do you feel it, what I'm feeling now?
Do you wonder, somewhere, somehow?
Do you wish, sometimes,
We had the power to undo time?

Do you hear it, what I'm trying to say?
Do you see the black and white, disguised as grey?
Open up your heart, read between the lines
Look into my eyes, you'll see the signs
Take another view, this picture isn't what it seems
There is no right or wrong -
We're caught in between
But divine truth is the law we were taught to live by
What I feel for you now, I can only whisper in a sigh

You told me you loved me once - I'm not sure why
What you meant was I love the person
You can be
Or rather, the person I can make you into
I tried so hard to transfigure
I was desperate
To fit into your box - but I was getting lost
In the shoes you insisted I wear


I loved you so much - the  way
You saw things
The faith you had in yourself
Your passion for life.   But I was
Suffocating
In your disapproval
I never understood what you saw in me

How could you say you loved me, then try to change
Everything about me?
It hurt
So much I told you to leave
More than once
But you kept coming back
Determined
You said to love me
But in reality all you wanted was to play
Hero
And I was supposed to be your damsel
In distress
I almost believed

You tried to get into places too sensitive to touch
You said, "How can I love you -
If you wont let me in?"
I didn't want to lose you, but I didn't have the key
To my own wall
It had gotten lost somewhere in time

Besides, this wall was my only source of protection
And strength
How could I open its door
And stand before you naked
Vulnerable
How could I survive your rejection?

I pushed you too hard -  or maybe
Too many times
In the end I cried out like a frightened child
But you would not turn back

I told you there are no heros

Time can be as violent as a river
Or as silent as a breeze
But it always takes a piece of us
Every time it leaves
Sometimes I feel so empty
It's hard for me to breathe
When the memories fly at me
They drop me to my knees

It's been so long since I've felt so alive
So long since I've wanted to die
It's been so long since I've done anything
Other than survive
It's been so long since the sun's been on
So long since the darkness fell
For so long
I've been nothing more
Than this empty shell

But I've  learned to laugh
And I've learned to smile
To paint the color of my skin
Every morning I perfect
The mask that hides the scars within
Sometimes, I try to remember who I used to be
Before the life left my eyes
But it's been too long
I've been too gone
I've drowned in my own lies

I hear something drop out of the sky
I look up
Bewildered
Until I see the bird descend after his meal
I laugh
As I watch him retrieve it
Only to drop it
Again
The fish is just a little too big

I turn back to my journaling
As I sit on the sand
I'm telling God how bored I am with
My life
I hear another thud just in front of me
Then to the side of me
The bird can't keep his food in his
Mouth
I can almost hear God,  laughing
With me, saying

"Careful,  you never know when a fish might fall from the sky."

Strong arms - struggling
To compensate
Up the stairs I watch her pull herself
With these arms
Her useless legs
Dangling

I experience a moment in her life - only
A moment
I live it vicariously
The pain
The frustration
The life she can not turn from
And forget

You were there for a moment -  forcing
Me to feel
I hadn't felt anything in a long time
Your passion
Your child like heart
Breathed
Life back into my soul

You had a way of seeing things
In color
And you painted the picture
Vividly
For my eyes to see
And you were there - forcing
Me to feel
A sickness in my stomach

I remembered why I had shut down
But didn't I used to say I'd rather
Feel pain
Than nothing at all?
I was like that once - full
Of laughter
And tears
But somewhere I stopped crying

And my world turned black and white - I used to
Love
To roll around in red
To cover myself in blue
To jump high and land in pools
Of green
Can I cry for you?

And will those tears fall like drops of blood
Painting my pillow
Blots of red in a room stained white
Color
Any color
Emotion
Anything to make me feel alive
Can I cry for you?

Blood red tears on field of green
Beneath a blue sky
Painting a spectrum of emotion
In a black and white
World

I miss you most when I'm in those places where you should be
And you're not
I find myself longing to look - if just one more time
At your perfect face
I want to drink you in - filling
The emptiness with your image
Your  spirit
As pure and devoted as a child's

I long for a different world
A different reality
One magic word that can change this thwarted
Love
Into a lifetime of happiness

Each moment with you was surreal
As if I had stepped into a
Dream
I felt my spirit
Outside looking in

From the first hello
When your eyes scintillated
Burning their mark into my
Soul
I was lost in you
Lost in your perfect beauty

You found your way into the deepest chambers
Of my heart
You saw and understood
You reached inside
Running your fingers across my pain
And I smiled

I stood outside
Listening as I spoke those inevitable words
Watching
Thwarted love played out on the big screen
It all happened so fast

Endless ocean -  broad horizon of emptiness
I sit alone in the world I created
A victim
Of my own choices

I've always been drawn to the dark side
Intrigued and seduced
Finally
Completely immersed in darkness
It is a paradox
How can the body remain alive
When the soul has died?

In the water I catch my reflection
I am but a silhouette
I see a child
Running, chasing rainbows
Dancing in the sand
I try to embrace her
But she slips through me
Then disappears

Was it so wrong to believe in castles in the sky?
I've always known
It had to be all or nothing
But I did not realize how
Infinite
Nothing is
I'm drowning in the void

Everyday I slip further into it, further
Into myself
Can they see the film over my eyes
I wonder
The pain is only a memory now
Images
Of someone else's life

I see a tiny girl, curled on the floor
Fighting for breath
I see but cannot feel the knife
Twisting, turning, twisting,
Turning
It was a slow death
But the end came suddenly

I remember the exact moment
I felt my spirit spill
Out
And the pain was gone
I exist now an empty shell
A shadow
A dark silhouette
I watch the child dancing in the
Sand
And try to remember
The little girl who believed in castles in the
Sky

Another heart cut down in its
Prime
A beloved father, brother, husband
Friend
Lost
And missed beyond words
A passionate soul
Whose energy could be felt
Upon entrance
And was solely missed upon
Departure

Another flickering ember stifled too
Quickly
A burned out fire leaving so many
Feeling cold
A lost talent, a thwarted dream
A world just a little more empty
It's color
A little more dim

I will miss your insights
Eloquently
Expressed in your writing
I will miss your stage presence
And the joy you brought to all
Who watched
I'll miss our long talks
The bond we formed
I'll miss your strength
Your fight
I'll miss your dancing eyes
That never lost hope
I will miss you my friend
This world
Will never be the same

I was taught at an early age
But I was too young
To understand
In youth
We are all helpless sheep
Powerless
In need of guidance
Direction
Sadly, we are often  are hurt most
By the ones we
Love
Trust

I was too young to be stripped of my
Innocence
Too young to understand
It was gone
But I bore the scars for a long time
The scars of violation
And control
But with time I grew
Strong enough
To reclaim my power
And heal

Street smart at eleven.  A life no kid
Deserves
But you introduced me.  Little adults
Hanging out
Steeling Marijuana
Searching for a high
Dirt bikes
Racing
Walking the streets
Just because we could
Late night movies
Rebellion
All you needed was love

Locked doors
The key lost somewhere in time
Emotions
Misplaced and forgotten
Blankets of lies
Warm and secure
Comforting
Bright colored masks
Hiding the ugly scars of wounds never healed
I painted on the smile
Portraying only what I wanted seen
I wrote the script and played the role so well
Both the heroine and the martyr
Victim and Villain
Outside strong and secure
Inside a scared, lonely child
Neglected
Misunderstood
Living in denial
The truth pierces the soul like an arrow
A doubled-edged sword
Ripping through - tearing out
Destroying
Everything we once believed in
Leaving us naked and
Vulnerable
A floodgate of emotion
Sporadic
Explosive
My eyes forced open
Staring at an image too ugly to fathom
Can this be me?
The truth pierces the soul like an arrow
Ripping through - tearing out
Destroying
Every mask we've ever worn
Leaving us exposed
Vulnerable, eyes wide open
To the imperfect beauty
Of our soul

At the end of each year, I take a moment to look back
On the days that have passed
The laughter.  The tears.  the tragedies and triumphs
The victories, and the defeats
Resolutions that I've kept -
And the ones long forgotten
What have I learned?
How have I grown?
How far do I still have to go?

I close my eyes, watching the faces as they dance
Before me
Thanking God for every person that has touched my life
And changed me
I am grateful for each one
Not just for the joy they have brought into my life
But also for the pain
It is not only the laughter but the tears
That shape our souls
And enlighten or being

We are continually being molded and refined by the powerful
Hand of love
As if God himself is reaching down and touching us
Creating in us all a unique masterpiece that can be perfected
Only with time
We are a tapestry of people and places
Woven together by our choices
And we are constantly changing

Each day brings with it the promise of a
New beginning
Each year brings new roads to cross
And mountains to climb
I look ahead with excitement and joy
Praising God
For every moment that I have been given
The duty to seize
And for every person I've been give the
Opportunity
To share these moments with

So many times I looked up at a Rockwell painting on the wall
Mom, dad, two kids
And a dog
Then I looked down at you
Our family
All I could see were the flaws -
Too much color here
Not enough there
Scratches everywhere
In my obsession with perfection
I overlooked the painting's character
The beauty that was
Uniquely yours

I see it differently now that I've taken a
Step back
In it's outlandish color
I see your bizarre way of expressing love
The names of your children
Your grandchildren -
Even you dog
Along with all their birthdates
Tattooed proudly down your leg -
And you never forgot
For my 23rd you gave me a Poke dot teddy bear
A deck of cards
And a poem
"Roses are red, violets are blue, nobody loves you
As much as mom and I do"

In so many ways you had the heart of a child
In my obsession with perfection
I missed it
I did not understand how special you were
But in this light, I see it
I see how the scratches add depth to the painting
I run my finger over each one
Cherishing the memories

Why when an artist dies, does their work increase in
Value?
You've added a huge ****, right through the
Heart
Of the painting.   And it's more beautiful than ever
Why are life's lessons always so
Painful?

I  understand unconditional love in a way I never did
Before
When we love someone for who they are -
Not who we want them to be
We discover the hidden treasures
So often overlooked

I stare at this painting, as I have a thousand times
Since you died
And a tear rolls down my face -
I never told you how beautiful it is

You're looking at me attentively  
Appeasing me
I don't notice your wondering eyes
As I pour my heart out to you
Poignantly expressing my
Longing
For something more

We walk along the beach
Searching for shells
I step on one
***** shell
Nothing to attract the eye
Yet I am compelled to open it
Inside a find a pearl
A priceless pearl

I try to give it to you, but you cannot
Accept it
It does not fit into your
Tiny box
I look into your eyes
For the first time I notice
You are looking through me
I am dead to you
I have been for some time

Fighting the pain
The fear
The confusion
I run
Faster
And faster
My body accelerates into pure light
I hear a song playing in my heart
I turn to share it with you
I stop
You would not appreciate its
Angelic melody
I dance alone

Spirit lifted.   Heart free
I dance
I'm joined by another
And another
From all parts of the world they come
All drawn to a rhythm most cannot hear
We dance

Same song.  different movements  
Choregraphed
By the virtuoso. There are no solos
No one is greater than another
We dance in harmony
We dance in the streets
Growing in strength
Growing in number
We dance to a song that will last forever.

The water is calm now.  The boats sail by in the distance
And I do not feel they are traveling to some
Enchanted Island
I will never see.  I am content where
I sit

On the other side of the bay are beautiful homes
A world that appears untouched
Unaffected
Their lives have no trouble

I hear laughter and my soul does not long to create
This symphony on my own lips.  Nor do I
Envy
Their joyful voices.  I am content with the
Silence

I think of you now, no longer with regret.  The image of your face
In my mind fills my spirit with peace.  Whenever
I feel alone
I close my eyes.  You are there
Somewhere

You understand.  You fill in the space
That once made it hard to
Breathe
It's OK.   We don't always get what
We want

But if we dim or brighten the light.  If we step back
Or move closer
It is merely a change in
Perspective
We chose what we see.  Empty or
Full?

I think of you now with joy and not regret.  I take
A breath
And feel the knowledge of you.  The way you know me
Every part of me
The knowledge of having loved you
Completely

I close my eyes
My heart is satiated with gratitude - no longer
With screams
Of anguish.    And pain.  
Calling down curses on the universe for not making us into
So much more than what we are
I am content

My heart is full

A little girl.  A castle in the sand.  Built and destroyed
Kicked apart
By the same tiny hands.  How many
Dreams
Will she see come and go in this way?
I wonder

I think back to all the sorrows I pierced
Myself with
Naïve and foolish hands.  Insatiable heart
Desperately
Seeking a way out.  Banging my head over and over

Against the same glass wall.  Until I was
Exhausted
Hopeless.  Occasionally flipping about like a dying
Fish
The wall was so thick.   The other side fading
Slowly

Out of sight.  And I kept kicking
Kicking
My hope waning.  My spirit starving.  Slowly
The hunger
Disappears.  Leaving only a dull ache

A subtle awareness that something is missing
Something has been lost
But we can no longer remember what it is
The emptiness
Is worse than the pain.  By far

I look into the place where the little girl's castle once
Stood
Nothing remains of it, except it's memory in my
Mind
Soon that will fade too
Leaving only infinite grains of sand - or rather
Infinite possibility

It's never too late.   I realize that now
Wisdom
Comes with time.  And refined hands
Understand the value
Of the castles they build -

And no longer destroy

It's like a dream that happened once - It doesn't seem real
Any more
No matter how  hard I fight to hold onto the clarity
Of your image
Your face is fading -

And the memories are surreal

There is so much I wish I could have said.  I can only hope
That you knew
I wanted it to be different as much as you did

And I miss you

I'll think of you.  Your face (as best as I can remember it)
Will enter my mind
When I least expect.   When I hear that song
Or when I'm walking down those streets you and I once
Walked together.  I'll think of
You

And I'll smile

A thunderous blast.  The helpless eyes of a nation look on
In horror
Twin brother's crash.  Countless victims  - all with a story
That ended too soon
The world has been shaken.  Camelot is gone.  Innocence
Lost

God Bless America

Vacant eyes.  Silent streets.  A day of mourning and
Remembrance
Tearful embraces.  Candlelight vigils.  Flags wave from
Coast to Coast
Black and white become one.  Bitter parties unite and
Sing

God Bless America

911.  The call went out and the nation responded by the tens of
Thousands
Hands grasped all across the land.  They can crash our buildings
And steal
The ones we love.  But they cannot take our memories or break
Our spirit

God Bless America

A thunderous blast.  911. The day has been embedded into our
Souls
Let it not embitter us but teach us.   Hatred destroys.   Love
Heals
And faith rebuilds.  Let us extend our hands in unison and
Pray

God Bless America

This was written in loving memory of Robert J Fangman, who died on flight 93

If I could build my own world - you'd be in it
If I could create my own destiny - you'd be
The light at the end
If I had any input with time
And the rules she creates -

I'd have set it all up differently

But, I am a mere mortal
Bound
By own limitations - and you
Are just a man
Chained in your obligations -

Why didn't you say goodbye?

I didn't see you coming until I stumbled into your
Eyes
I didn't notice you leaving - only felt the space
When you were gone
And the whirlwind of passion and
Pain

Love is always that way - a moment
We hope to build into a lifetime
And then - the questions
There are always the questions

Could  it have been different -
In another place and time?
Do you miss me -
At all?
Does the night wind ever call
My name?

We always need to know - but we can never
Be sure
We can only hope and tell ourselves until we believe it
That we mattered
That our life touching theirs held
Some meaning

This is all we can hope for - really
In the end

I remember running through the grass,  chasing fireflies
With you by my side
I was so innocent then.  Nothing could harm me.   And nothing
Was out of my reach

Now, as I go walking through the green grass of yesterday
Encompassed by the sweet
Aroma of childhood.  I fall back in time
I'm eleven

Chasing cray fish in the creek
Thirteen
Sledding down a grass hill on a cardboard box
Fifteen
Hanging out in the woods with 50 of my closest friends
Can I stop time right here?

All I ever wanted was to be accepted -
To be loved
Don't we all?   Do we all try so hard?
I was not myself
I was the person I thought they wanted me to be -
I was a hologram

What I though was love was desperation
What I thought was intimacy
Had no depth at all.  I was drowning
In shallow waters

My lifeline was a rock.  My saviors
Were pulling me down
I lost so much in those waters.  So many faces washed
Away
Nothing lasts forever - and nothing hurts more
Than this hole you've left in my heart

Sometimes, I wish I could be a child again
Just to see your face
Why do things have to change?
Why can't we find that one perfect place
And stay there for infinity
Forever surrounded by the scent our first rose
The warmth of our first kiss?

But this is not God's plan.  Everything
Changes
We live.   We die.   And a child
Is born

This is the circle of life

I used to believe life was a journey to that one special place in time
Our happily ever after
Now I see life as a series of moments woven into the tapestry
Of our soul
We learn and we grow through the good times
And the bad
The laughter.   And the tears.   The tragedies
And triumphs
It's all a part of who we are

I no longer believe that it is possible to fail
As long as we try
It is not possible to lose.   As long as we love
We need to take every moment and squeeze out everything
It has to offer.   Then, we need to be willing to accept
When it's gone.   And move on -

To the next moment

I see the rain coming down.  Hear windshield wipers
Slapping time
On a cold and rainy Christmas Eve
I feel your hand in mine
I see the love on your face through the eyes of a child
I feel the warmth of your insecure smile
From that moment I knew.   You loved me

The best way you knew how to

I've carried that memory in my mind.  Through all of these
Years
I've cherished it.  Hugged it.  Nourished it.  Erased doubts
From my mind with it
Your life was a mystery.   So many things I never knew
In the shadow of silence you hid
I couldn't break through
Though you never had much to say
Deep inside I always knew
You loved me

The best way you knew how to

So many years.  So many words unsaid.  Cards unsent
And lost
I think of the space and the silence and all that
It cost
I've learned that time is priceless.   Regrets pointless
But too often relentless
I can only hope you knew that I loved you =
Because and in spite

The best way I knew how to

You are not here.  I realize now in your absence
As I wait in angst
To feel your eyes upon me.  As the seconds
Progress
With ever increasing frustration
Fear
As my eyes continually look up.  My heart desperately
Awaiting
The sound of my name from your
Lips
I realize how much of me you possess

It is a dangerous thing.  I'm walking a terrifyingly
Thin line
The dark valley below is no stranger to me
It is always a progressive
Choice
But the fall is shocking and sudden

It is not right what I feel.  In these moments I cannot
Lie
I cannot feign control as the sweat
Glistens on my face
As my eyes frantically
Search
For the only image that can comfort my soul

It is wrong.  My heart is torn.  Between two worlds
Between truth and desire
You are not mine.   And I am not yours to
Possess
I let go.   Then, fumble through the void
For your hand
As I am falling.   Then lying
In wait

The other night I had a dream you died
It was so real
I could not wash off the feeling
I couldn't erase the image of your lifeless eyes
Haunting me

I try not to think of you now.  It hurts to hear your name
Pain
Rushes in like an unexpected storm
Then disappears

When he's playing the piano and my eyes are closed
It's your face I see
Pieces of shattered memories cut through me
Severing the numbness
Exposing the raw emotion -
The anger
The pain
How could you walk away without saying goodbye?!

Two spiders entwined
Clawing
Feeding off of - Destroying
Each other
I hated you more than I loved you
I spiraled into a pit - choking
On dirt
I never dreamed I would taste
I hated you
More than I loved myself
I could not escape
I could not breathe without you

You beat me down
It was all about control - the Italian way
(That's what you called it)
And the hatred -
If I was nothing
You were less than nothing
You could not control me
I broke the chains.  I beat my body
With stones
My tormented screams echoed through the streets -
As  I ran
From you and to you.  Possessed
But I could not be
Controlled
And I could not escape

One day I found myself dangling
From a window pane
But my fingers would not let go
I looked into the glass window
Horrified
By my own reflection.  By what I  had
Become
What you had made me into

In that moment I knew I had a choice
Dark or light
Life or death
Somewhere inside of the
Dank
Cold halls of my heart
I found the strength to climb
Down
To the solid ground
To kick dirt in your face
And escape

Then, there's the silence
When there's nothing left to say
In the darkness
We walk our separate ways
I try to tell myself you care
I try to feel it in the air
All the words
Locked in your heart

I hear it playing through my mind
It keeps screaming in my head
All the ways we went wrong
Choices that were made and cannot be undone
But you know  you're the only one
Who could ever touch my soul
Who could ever make me whole

And I'm losing you - again


You should have taken my hand
You should have made me  understand
All those years ago
I should have heard your  heart, all you couldn't say
So many things got in our way
Now we're  standing in the dark
With the silence in between
Blinded by all we should have seen

And I'm loosing you - again

The man who would be king, sitting high above me
What did you see
Looking at the world from where you stood?
What did you see in my eyes, looking up
Adoring you?
How many times did I silently beg
Climb down - closer to me
But you would not - or could not
Escape
Your shallow existence
You were trapped in the concept you had become -
And I was left drowning
In the shallow waters surrounding you

The man who would be king, staring at me
What was it I saw in your eyes -
Passion or fear?
Were you comforted or terrified
By my ability to see into your soul?
That lost boy
Reaching  - pushing me away
We were drowning together
But dying alone

The man who would be king - your crown so close
Yet so far away
My love for you much the same
Pain.  Frustration.  Hunger never filled
A masterpiece not quite complete
A shade or two from perfection
A heartbeat from paradise -
And then gone -
Like grains of sand through our fingertips

The man who would be king - years have passed
You stand alone
Diamond dust blowing in the wind - an empty thrown
Behind you
A faded picture,  crushed into the barren soil  -
This is all that remains
Of the glory that almost was

A lost swan - swimming alone
Searching
Lake to lake - door to door
Exiled
It's been a seemingly unending winter
Near death, she pulls herself from the water
To yet another dry shore
In the sky, they appear
Those angelic creatures - the  most beautiful she has
Ever seen
She feels something move within her
A restless river
A wild.  rebellious.  Illuminate.  Uncontrollable
Force
She remembers
It's only a fleeting second
But the image is there
Then she hears it -  tiny and distant
But undeniable just the same
The voice

It has been with her all along - not gone as she imagined
Only silenced

Now as the cold breaks, she watches the spring flowers
Forcing their way to the surface
Like the spirit within her, fighting to regain control
She knows
The daffodils will break through
Just as her inner wolf will reclaim her


But for now the voice is enough -  It is all she has
Ever needed

A feather blowing in the wind- searching for shelter but finding
No place to land
Caught in the vortex of the tornado's spin
Helpless

Action and reaction.  Cause and effect

Wandering aimlessly through the black sky
Speckled with light
Grasping at stars.  Distant images
Lies
Reaching for a blazing fire
Only to burn in the flame

Action and reaction.  Cause and effect

Drowning in truculent waters.  Swimming to the
Top
Only to be hit with another wave of emotion.  Victim of love
Victim of circumstance
Victim of everything and everyone, blind to my own
Pathetic
Self destruction

Action and reaction.  Cause and effect

Choking.   Face change color.   Near death.
I grab hold of the truth
Like a rock.  The only piece of solid ground in my universal
Insanity
I finally face myself.   My wounded soul
In all of its depth.   And darkness.   And pain.
And I am free of the cycle -

Action and reaction.   Cause and effect

My eyes jolt open.  I'm in a pool of sweat
Shaking
I can't wash off this foreboding
Feeling
And I can't be sure

Did you know what you were doing?
Your power?
I was completely enraptured
Drawn
Into your eyes and lost

You stood there - just out of reach
Grabbing
Pushing.  Promising.  Lying
It was the desperation I saw on your
Face
That kept me coming back

Was it slow drifting process?
Obsession
Addiction.  Depression.  Madness
I think it always is
But we don't know what's happening
Until it's too late

You stood there - a dead rose in you
Hand
I looked in your eyes and I
Knew
I could not exist without you
I died
Just outside of your arms

And the dreams came.  I can't stop
Shaking
I can't wash off this foreboding feeling
And I can't be sure
Was I kissed by an Angel -
Or Satan himself?

I still miss him sometimes
I find myself thinking
If only I had opened up my heart to him
My soul
Maybe I could have loved him
Maybe I could have healed.  But no
I suffered in silence
Rotting slowly away behind the
Mask
My face smiling.  My soul
Tormented

His eys saw only what I allowed them to perceive
As he looked up at me with so much love
A love I did not deserve
But I took it
Because I did not have the courage to die alone
And I hated myself for that

In the darkest  hours of the night I'd watch him
Sleeping peacefully
As tears edged more lines down my face
Then, I'd turn and stare at the blank
Sterile walls
Finally, finding my way into another tortured
Sleep

Every morning I'd awake in this
Silent castle
And I'd dream of the moment it would be filled
With the sound of a child dancing
I could almost see this child
I could almost touch this child
Every day I'd promise myself
One day she will return
One day I will be worthy
Of his love

But, morning after morning I'd awake
To silence
And him a little farther away
Then there was only the silence
And the sterile walls

If only I had opened up to him

I was sixteen.  I still had so much to give
I gave it all to you
You were my first real heartbreak
That's when it all changed
I changed

I was nineteen the first time you came back
I was already beginning
To die
I can still see the look of horror on your face
"What's  happened to you?"

I used to love hanging by the river on Sunday afternoons
Right at the beginning of spring
Everyone came out to join in the celebration of life
The sun would be shinning
As I danced
Car to car.  High on the excitement
Music and laughter

I fell in love with you one of those Sunday afternoons
It was your innocent charm
And vulnerability
I still remember our first conversation under a tree
You had these big
Blue, expressive eyes
I could almost hear the words you
Wouldn't say

Sometimes,  if I looked deep enough
Long enough
It turned into a mind game
I clung to you.   You pushed me away
I told you one day
You would understand
One day you would
Regret
You told me you never forgot
Those words

I was twenty-three when you came back
The second time
I couldn't seem to make you understand.  The girl you know
Was long gone
You were in love with a memory
A ghost

Enigmatic passions controlling me
Innate fears destroying me
   This I once called love

Ubiquitous emotions.  Feral heart
Animal instincts.  Hungry for fire
  Licking my wounds

Inevitable.   Unthinkable pain
Sublimated into art.  Inspiration-
  or self indulgence?

I had learned to accept - to settle
Dying in spirit.   Then there was
  You

Sunrise over the ocean
Spring flowers wet with dew
  New awakening

The ebb of the ocean
Pulls me to you
  My destiny

One heart.   One soul.  One mind
One spirit.  Cord of three strands
  Unbreakable

Life is about color 
All color
We must experience the spectrum
A time to laugh
A time to cry
A time to love
A time to hate
A time to dance
A time to mourn
A time to build up
A time to tear down

A time to heal

Walking alone in the forrest of love
   With you
A tree fell, but did it make a sound?
   Nobody heard
There was no one else around

I think I know what I think I saw
   Love's fire in your eyes
But your words - they say it was all a lie
   Splattered colors
Slowly form a picture in our minds
  Shades of dark
  Shades of light
Beautiful music played out of time

Standing alone with a truth
     Nobody else knows
You're pushing me away,  but wont let go
     Trees are falling
     A love is dying
But noone hears the crying
Rain is coming down.   There' no one else
   Around
What am I to do?
    Alone
In the forrest of love with you

In the darkness there is a light that shines
   And touches us
In our weakest moments there is a strength
    That lifts us
We close our eyes and we know
     We are not alone
There is a spirit within us
       Whispering
A language that is not our own
       Yet we understand
We feel its devine power filling us
       Embracing us
Comforting even our deepest wounds

It is in these moments.   In our hour of
       greatest need
When we see the second set of footprints
       In the sand