Street smart at eleven.  A life no kid
Deserves
But you introduced me.  Little adults
Hanging out
Steeling Marijuana
Searching for a high
Dirt bikes
Racing
Walking the streets
Just because we could
Late night movies
Rebellion
All you needed was love

Locked doors
The key lost somewhere in time
Emotions
Misplaced and forgotten
Blankets of lies
Warm and secure
Comforting
Bright colored masks
Hiding the ugly scars of wounds never healed
I painted on the smile
Portraying only what I wanted seen
I wrote the script and played the role so well
Both the heroine and the martyr
Victim and Villain
Outside strong and secure
Inside a scared, lonely child
Neglected
Misunderstood
Living in denial
The truth pierces the soul like an arrow
A doubled-edged sword
Ripping through - tearing out
Destroying
Everything we once believed in
Leaving us naked and
Vulnerable
A floodgate of emotion
Sporadic
Explosive
My eyes forced open
Staring at an image too ugly to fathom
Can this be me?
The truth pierces the soul like an arrow
Ripping through - tearing out
Destroying
Every mask we've ever worn
Leaving us exposed
Vulnerable, eyes wide open
To the imperfect beauty
Of our soul

At the end of each year, I take a moment to look back
On the days that have passed
The laughter.  The tears.  the tragedies and triumphs
The victories, and the defeats
Resolutions that I've kept -
And the ones long forgotten
What have I learned?
How have I grown?
How far do I still have to go?

I close my eyes, watching the faces as they dance
Before me
Thanking God for every person that has touched my life
And changed me
I am grateful for each one
Not just for the joy they have brought into my life
But also for the pain
It is not only the laughter but the tears
That shape our souls
And enlighten or being

We are continually being molded and refined by the powerful
Hand of love
As if God himself is reaching down and touching us
Creating in us all a unique masterpiece that can be perfected
Only with time
We are a tapestry of people and places
Woven together by our choices
And we are constantly changing

Each day brings with it the promise of a
New beginning
Each year brings new roads to cross
And mountains to climb
I look ahead with excitement and joy
Praising God
For every moment that I have been given
The duty to seize
And for every person I've been give the
Opportunity
To share these moments with

So many times I looked up at a Rockwell painting on the wall
Mom, dad, two kids
And a dog
Then I looked down at you
Our family
All I could see were the flaws -
Too much color here
Not enough there
Scratches everywhere
In my obsession with perfection
I overlooked the painting's character
The beauty that was
Uniquely yours

I see it differently now that I've taken a
Step back
In it's outlandish color
I see your bizarre way of expressing love
The names of your children
Your grandchildren -
Even you dog
Along with all their birthdates
Tattooed proudly down your leg -
And you never forgot
For my 23rd you gave me a Poke dot teddy bear
A deck of cards
And a poem
"Roses are red, violets are blue, nobody loves you
As much as mom and I do"

In so many ways you had the heart of a child
In my obsession with perfection
I missed it
I did not understand how special you were
But in this light, I see it
I see how the scratches add depth to the painting
I run my finger over each one
Cherishing the memories

Why when an artist dies, does their work increase in
Value?
You've added a huge ****, right through the
Heart
Of the painting.   And it's more beautiful than ever
Why are life's lessons always so
Painful?

I  understand unconditional love in a way I never did
Before
When we love someone for who they are -
Not who we want them to be
We discover the hidden treasures
So often overlooked

I stare at this painting, as I have a thousand times
Since you died
And a tear rolls down my face -
I never told you how beautiful it is

You're looking at me attentively  
Appeasing me
I don't notice your wondering eyes
As I pour my heart out to you
Poignantly expressing my
Longing
For something more

We walk along the beach
Searching for shells
I step on one
***** shell
Nothing to attract the eye
Yet I am compelled to open it
Inside a find a pearl
A priceless pearl

I try to give it to you, but you cannot
Accept it
It does not fit into your
Tiny box
I look into your eyes
For the first time I notice
You are looking through me
I am dead to you
I have been for some time

Fighting the pain
The fear
The confusion
I run
Faster
And faster
My body accelerates into pure light
I hear a song playing in my heart
I turn to share it with you
I stop
You would not appreciate its
Angelic melody
I dance alone

Spirit lifted.   Heart free
I dance
I'm joined by another
And another
From all parts of the world they come
All drawn to a rhythm most cannot hear
We dance

Same song.  different movements  
Choregraphed
By the virtuoso. There are no solos
No one is greater than another
We dance in harmony
We dance in the streets
Growing in strength
Growing in number
We dance to a song that will last forever.

The water is calm now.  The boats sail by in the distance
And I do not feel they are traveling to some
Enchanted Island
I will never see.  I am content where
I sit

On the other side of the bay are beautiful homes
A world that appears untouched
Unaffected
Their lives have no trouble

I hear laughter and my soul does not long to create
This symphony on my own lips.  Nor do I
Envy
Their joyful voices.  I am content with the
Silence

I think of you now, no longer with regret.  The image of your face
In my mind fills my spirit with peace.  Whenever
I feel alone
I close my eyes.  You are there
Somewhere

You understand.  You fill in the space
That once made it hard to
Breathe
It's OK.   We don't always get what
We want

But if we dim or brighten the light.  If we step back
Or move closer
It is merely a change in
Perspective
We chose what we see.  Empty or
Full?

I think of you now with joy and not regret.  I take
A breath
And feel the knowledge of you.  The way you know me
Every part of me
The knowledge of having loved you
Completely

I close my eyes
My heart is satiated with gratitude - no longer
With screams
Of anguish.    And pain.  
Calling down curses on the universe for not making us into
So much more than what we are
I am content

My heart is full

A little girl.  A castle in the sand.  Built and destroyed
Kicked apart
By the same tiny hands.  How many
Dreams
Will she see come and go in this way?
I wonder

I think back to all the sorrows I pierced
Myself with
Naïve and foolish hands.  Insatiable heart
Desperately
Seeking a way out.  Banging my head over and over

Against the same glass wall.  Until I was
Exhausted
Hopeless.  Occasionally flipping about like a dying
Fish
The wall was so thick.   The other side fading
Slowly

Out of sight.  And I kept kicking
Kicking
My hope waning.  My spirit starving.  Slowly
The hunger
Disappears.  Leaving only a dull ache

A subtle awareness that something is missing
Something has been lost
But we can no longer remember what it is
The emptiness
Is worse than the pain.  By far

I look into the place where the little girl's castle once
Stood
Nothing remains of it, except it's memory in my
Mind
Soon that will fade too
Leaving only infinite grains of sand - or rather
Infinite possibility

It's never too late.   I realize that now
Wisdom
Comes with time.  And refined hands
Understand the value
Of the castles they build -

And no longer destroy