Depression.
When I say that
I am not talking about
The immense grief that consumes you
After a tragic event takes place.
Thats the kind that other people get
That they understand.

I am talking about
The dark sheath that wraps your body
So tightly that it gets hard to breathe
When all the free meals stop coming
And the funerals are finished.
Like cellophane, it constricts you
So that every bit of movement and circulation
Are cut off and shut out.

It's like you are trudging through mud
The thickest, most vile mud you have ever seen or touched
And it is not the mud that is half water, half dirt
But rather is mostly condensed soil
With a small bit of liquid added to it to make it impossible to walk through.

It is massive and sludgy
So much so that it takes your entirety to travel mere inches.
You are so focused on swimming through this mud
Putting all of your weight, power and force into it
That life kind of goes on the back burner.

This trek wears you down to the bone
Mentally and physically, you are weakened
And society expects you to just move on and be "fine"
But they don't know
They don't know.

Its an internal war with external effects
That people whom are not directly impacted
Judge and critique.
Who are we to consider the fighters of mental illness
Any weaker than we are?

Frankly, they battle to be strong every day
Because they are fighting to keep fighting
And their disorder has no hold on them.
To the ones who lost the battle
We fight for you too.

When is goodbye
Ever a good thing?
I wish I could be more genuine
As I lay before You
Like broken glass
Shattered about the floor
Wondering have You left me?

I have written You off
Far too many times before
I fluctuate like the wind
In what I believe about all of this.

So can I praise Your great name
In the midst of the storm?
Or will I crumble like the mountains
Beneath my feet?
I know You're there in the shadows
When my hope drifts out to sea
You are with me
Even when I don't believe

How could You leave me
On this island alone?
To fend for myself
I'm only flesh and bones

And then You show me
The power You hold
And I realize how foolish I am
To ever doubt Your love

So can I praise Your great name
In the midst of the storm?
Or will I crumble like the mountains
Beneath my feet?
I know You're there in the shadows
When my hope drifts out to sea
You are with me
Even when I don't believe

I give You an ultimatum
Who am I to do that?
Yet You come through anyway
You see Your child in trouble
And You save the day

So can I praise Your great name
In the midst of the storm?
Or will I crumble like the mountains
Beneath my feet?
I know You're there in the shadows
When my hope drifts out to sea
You are with me
Even when I don't believe

God, You love me
Even when I don't believe

I wish that I could tell you
How your strength radiates
It permeates every bit of my being
Illuminating my pores
As you glow through the cloud cover
That has isolated your earth
And shakes mine to the core.

I really want to inform you
That as I left your house that afternoon
Hearing the rawness from your mother's mouth
That perfectly emulated her broken heart
And the aggression from your sister
Which is indicative of her personality
As well as her pain
My body was ready to crumble
And the saline liquid that welled in the sockets of my eyes
Was too ready to fall
But I forced myself to be strong for you.

I only desire to convey to you
That watching you be the shock absorber in your home
Is too much for me to take.
As I begin to be consumed by empathy
I try to act like things are normal
Which is almost an attempt to make things normal
And I fail miserably.

I want you so desperately to know
That it is not that I do not care
When I don't talk about it
But merely that I care too much
And over think how to act
In order to alleviate as much of your struggle as I can.

I wish I could talk to you
I wish I could let you know
I wish I could tell you
All of these things that fester in my brain cells
Chew away at the tissue in my chest
Eat my flesh, my bones, my heart
Until these thoughts are all of me
And likewise, I am all of them.

Perhaps the hardest, most challenging thing to realize
Is that I have told you everything
For the past four years.
When depression and anxiety
Bulimia and abuse all covered my world with darkness
I called you every time
You were always first.

Now, I cannot.
Now, you are the one in pain.
Now, I cannot make you feel better.
I cannot tell you any of this
And the fact of the matter is
It kills me.

Where am I?
I've got on my new dress
I'm choking on stale cigarettes
Doing my makeup in some dude's rear view mirror
Under the visibility that a streetlight has to offer.

Do I know you?
You're some tall, unassuming figure
Who hovers over me
As though I am your prize.
Your gaze captivates me
Like I am something to be treasured.

Are you the same person?
Now, this handsome knight in shining armor
Is nothing but a monster.
"******* *****, *****, *****."
You scream as you shove me out of your way
The first day you hit me with the back of your hand.

What is this place?
I'm searching for courage
At the bottom of a glass
Of some cheap liquor
On the rocks
The bartender becomes my therapist
As words and spit are spewed.

Are you still there?
The dark man from before
Holds me down beneath his fists
As the skin of his hands and that of my face
Become one with the tile floor
Bruises bind me to his will
For he threatens much worse should I run from him

Why did I stay?
They ask
The general public refuses to understand
That defense lawyers use this as a means
Of excusing the accountability of the partner in question

Why do we ask?
After all, this is but another way we as a society
Blame the survivor
And excuse her abuser.

Let's start asking the right questions.

I wish I could forget
All of the lies that strangled me
So tightly that I lost oxygen
And blacked out in your arms.

I wish I could forget
How you held me against you
As if it was an expression of love
When really you were seething with hate.

I wish I could forget
How ******* gushed from your pours
How my blood will always curdle
At the sound of your name
It's like a scream in the darkness
And I cannot bear to listen.

I wish I could forget
The way your fingers traced my narrow frame
I was a child, your porcelain doll
You gently held onto me with care
And that care destroyed me.

I wish I could forget
Your touch
Your hot breath
Breathing down my spine
Warm enough to give me chills
Make my bones rattle
Turn every bit of purity inside of me to darkness.

I wish I could forget
The way you took my innocence and ran
It was never yours for the taking
*Give me my life back.

These nights
Don't lend themselves to sleeping easily.
These nights
Are torn between hurting myself
And counting shadows on my ceiling
(1, 2...)
These nights
Are where I fall apart in the comfort of my bed
These nights
Catch me up in my own head
These nights
Caught between sheets and memories
Strewn all over the room
These nights
Leave me in a cold sweat
And steal my sanity from me.
*I can't wait until the morning.

Monsters make their homes inside my head
Picking fights
Waging wars
Protesting with their picket signs
Every time it seems like
Happiness is winning the battle.

They are evil little beings
I like to think of them as puke green
Because they make me want to *****.
The tribe leader's name is Bulimia
Following behind her are
Self harm, Depression and Anxiety

They are fed by their environment
If death abounds, they are triumphant
****** assault sounds the trumpets
And difficult conversations
Cause their grimy little hearts to flutter

It's funny how we grow up being scared of monsters
Little kids think they're under the bed
Or that they're a whole other species
It's a shame that these demons
Are really just a part of us.
So what are we so afraid of?
*Facing ourselves.