This is
A poem for the late nights
Or are they early mornings in disguise?
A song for the lost girls
And the petty details in which they are lost
A letter to the ones who
Spend nights, days, weeks, years
Agonizing about the future
And running from their past
A few stanzas blended together
For the lovers that float in limbo
The ones who can't let go of some scattered connection
That is seemingly unknown to the rest of the universe.
This is
A couple of words bleeding onto paper
That don't tell the whole story at all
*The spaces, however, do.

I have always been accustomed to cleaning up everyone else's messes.
At work I literally do it.
With my friends, I'm the peacemaker.
With my family, I always offer to assist financially
Or I'm not given a choice.
So why can't I seem to get my own life in check?
Why is my own slew of pain
Anxiety, worthlessness and loneliness
Just settling like oil on top of water?
Now, in the places I used to fix things
I'm breaking them.
Where I used to clean up messes
I'm making them.
At work I'm combative or panic stricken
Sometimes even both.
At home, sometimes I get mouthy
But when I offer to help with my parents' money problems
It just makes it worse.
And it's not like I have any friends anymore
I shut them all out
Or vice versa.
Now, I know this is a ramble
But all I want to know is
When will someone come to save me?
When will one of the people
Who I used to protect
Step in to help me
Clean up my messes
The way I fixed theirs?

Love.
Four letters
A syllable
That can transform a shattered heart
Can soften a warped mind
Can twist and bend separate lives
And mesh them into one.
Lack of love can
Destroy nations and civilizations
Cause a body and soul to frost over
Until the entirety of its spirit
Is left lifeless and icy.
So why is love so often confused with
Insults that are thrown like bad pitches?
Psychological abuse that infiltrates a vulnerable mind
And causes its owner to falter?
Phrases that are tossed around the dinner table like
"You're so annoying"
"You're fat"
"What is wrong with you?"
How can that be love?
How can we teach children that they have to respect their parents
Because they love them?
How can our daughters discern love from abuse in romantic relationships
When they hear this daily from their fathers?
How can our sons know how to treat a woman with dignity
When their dads act this way towards their moms?
And we wonder why the statistics
For violence among relationships
Are the way they are.
We wonder why girls are promiscuous
Well why the hell not?
We wonder why boys do not respect their female counterparts
Well why the hell would they?
Why can't parents just respect and accept their kids
As they supposedly agree to do
From the day they are born?
Maybe then we can teach the latter generation
That love and respect
Go hand in hand.

Once upon a time
There was a girl
Who was grieving
There was also a boy
Who took grave advantage of her situation.

Get away from me.
I never said yes
Did I say no?
I don't know
I don't...

No.
You don't get to blame your mental state
For what you did to me
I have depression too
And I would never do that to someone.

So then there was today.
When I had to train you at work
I saw you walk in for training
And prayed to God she wouldn't say my name.

"Sarah! Can you train _ on register?"
****.
*******. **** this. **** my life.
My anxiety has suddenly spiked through the roof.
I start shaking and digging nails into my wrist.

"Sh-sh-sure."
I st-stuh-stuttered like a scratched CD
This isn't fair
Why me?

I was impressed with myself
And how professional and cordial I was
I wanted to tear your eyes out
But I managed to tell you how to do your job effectively
And even was almost supportive when you got it right.

If that wasn't traumatizing enough
You have to try to flirt with me
Or act like we're friends
Well **** that.

You were never my friend.
I may have thought you were
But you were the opposite.
Besides,
You told my friend who's stuck on you like a sick puppy
(God knows what she sees in you)
That you hate me
That I cause drama
Etc.

At one time, I assumed you really did.
And I was okay with that
I lived with that perfectly fine
But now I know you see your fault
You know you did something awful
But you will never admit it.

So, in conclusion
Go ahead and stick your dagger in my chest
I won't even feel it.
I'll walk on pretending I'm fine
Even if I'm dying.

And finally**
***** you.

How can I expect you to believe
This ******* advice
That's spewing from my lips
When I'm a wreck myself?

Maybe I'll just take a walk
A walk through every town in which I lived
A walk through every man I loved
A walk through every face I used to know.

Maybe I can do that instead of hurting
With an unlit cigarette between my lips
As I flick the lighter with clear intent
But my hands are shaking
And this makes it harder.

Maybe I can try to forget
A burn for every time you hurt me
A cut in every place you touched me
I'd like to cut you out of my mind
Or watch you burn in Hell
I bet there's a special place there for people like you.

I'm tired of crying
I'm sick of trying
I don't feel like believing today.

Maybe I'll just sit in bed
Drinking away the pain.
Maybe I'll just spend my days here
Suffering alone.

I've always been against
The wasting of a mind
The desertion of a soul
The deterioration of a human spirit
I've never been a fan of
The desecration of a person
That sends them on
A downward spiral
Head first into the ground
I didn't appreciate
The way people who claim to be adults
Can take a young life and twist it
As if to blot out the sun
So these vulnerable eyes cannot see it.
I just never really liked
The pain, jealousy and depression
That a world like ours can cause
And how we can just sit back and enjoy
The detonation of a time bomb.