It’s funny how I spent most of my life and education in school thinking I was someone special when in reality I am nothing of that sort. Just people in the education system and adults telling me so in maybe in a sort of confidence? Whether it be for good intentions or just that they didn’t know any better. In a work or classroom environment, it is a linear format. Problem, solution, execute, it was easy to continue and just focus on the goal and that made things easy to do. Just follow and continue to the next problem at hand. It can be seen that I have my **** together, but I just know how to play the game that is expected of us to do. Which is easy to do and saying that makes me sound like a robot or someone who has been brainwash. That can be the case depending on who you talk to. As much I see myself as an individual who sees the world in a certain light and feels as if they have some new and amazing meaning of life… it is all the same… it is just mashed up together in some pile of construct meaning that each person can look into and see what fits for them.

Like religion, philosophy, motivation, all subjective and can be anything. Meaning and happiness is everything and nothing. You can’t find it, its something that is found and even if you have it you might not know it. You continue to fall into the game of life and abide by society’s rules and continue to each path that may shut you down and kick you down. All because our forefathers pass down to us and continue to pass down. Maybe I just don’t know the meaning to life itself or true happiness, just finding temporary happiness that can sustain me in a matter of days or months but soon it will end once I reach to the emptiness of my room and the demons in my head that swirls around in a fucken **** storm, slowly feeling disconnected to reality and transported to a whole new world you didn’t know it exists or if you can escape. From here the whole world is in your head, filled with expectations and all the voices of the people and thoughts of you, for you. Your thoughts are clouded and can’t seem to find your own voice. I do my best to try and speak my true voice and have a creative outlet to do so, but once I were to take the time to let that voice out, I find it locked away and can’t get out, and my mind goes crazy. Locked in this swirl of thoughts and dreams and worlds I created.

I became good at creating worlds to which I escape in my thoughts, where all is possible and I am disconnected but yet there in my own world. The feelings of these worlds almost make me feel like that my made-up world is the true world but soon I get pulled back into a dull world in which I find myself just putting up a mask and doing what I need to do. With this curse it is hard to communicate to others in a way to find some common ground and have a level of understandment but with each generations and society changes it hard to find that common ground as social media paints a perfect world that most will try to get and if no one fits that profile, they move on and don’t engage. They move to find their perfect world. In most cases they face reality and find other options, then there is me who can’t find a place anywhere. Nowhere in my life do I find a good place where I can back up and say this is home, this is where I belong. Family and friends sometimes make me feel like this but in the end, once I am alone with these thoughts… it all changes. I am transported to whole new worlds where in my room I am a teleporter, and can just escape from everything.

I dream of different situations that can happen and feel it can happen. I call to god to guild me and call to hear his voice or anyone to give me something and the more and more I ask and the more I won’t get anything direct, the more I feel alone in the world. I personally don’t believe in religion in the form of traditions. Rather I am more spiritual that there is something out there that can provide something and hold secrets that we cannot know until we die. This can be a god or something of that sort. I enjoy philosophy as it can bring new answers to people’s lives and maybe a moral code to follow. Which can be its own god, but religion here lead by humans, is broken and bound to be broken since the unity of religion is broken down to the individual based on their own core believes and what they feel to be right. Which in the end when judgment comes its based on you and not what traditions you followed. And yet, with this in mind I still seek God and beg him to come to me and hear his voice and just sit down and talk to him.

I am nothing special, I am just a person who is trying to figure out this broken world. Trying to find the little happiness I can find and find someone who can give the same amount of time and energy I give for another person. Just going through and playing the game and do what you need to do. Questioning everything and just trying to escape from this world and go into one of many worlds I created and be free. Instead, the fight continues where I am trying to escape my mind and find one true self in this world and hope to find true happiness and have the life I dream of. But it gets harder and harder as the demons come closer and closer each time I am alone in my thoughts… I just want to be free… I just want to find me… I am just trying to escape my mind…. God please come and help me… I am just trying to find peace… help…

The moment you are closed within a dark room and your mind goes loose, the whole world expands. You feel a new perspective of the world open up, and see outcomes. Your mind and mood changes, a more neutral and dead feeling falls on me. I don’t know if this is depression or just my way of my mind to expand even more.

The mere thought process of thinking everything, yet keeping your mind clear is the most enticing, yet terrifying. Feeling scared, angry, and sad, of the world. All I would want to do is leave to a place where it is just me and my mind, not feeling nor hearing the world, to where my subconscious is more vocal and I hear it’s voice and speak into the inner depths of my own soul. Which at times feels like I am close to the answer of the universe, but being blocked by something, something not letting me through. Whether it be just because as a human I can’t possibly fathom the true “Truth” of the universe and all the secrets it holds, or there is something that is blocking me from knowing the truth.

I find myself to refer back to religion, philosophy, psychology, and the matters of the heart where so many people find themselves dealing with on a daily basis. The mere fact that most people want to unlock the secrets of the world, shows how we wish to find some ultimate truth and meaning of the universe and in turn, our own lives. It is said that we are the universe itself since we have the key components to create life in the universe, therefore, we are the universe. Also like in most famous philosophers states, how the soul is discovered within us, therefore, it is not my own creation. It is with this that the soul seeks a whole new level of passion and happiness, it is compared to the power of gods themselves. This is the key to the universe as it itself shows the capabilities of humans beings. It shows with this alone we continue to break the limits we put on ourselves.

With new social underlying rules and laws that are spread which bring us closer to our own emotion and narrow mindsets that only benefit our own gain, we slowly lose that capability to expand our minds and see not only the world but ourselves and the people around us in a whole new perspective. Only with that, could we answer the questions and matters in our world then unite all of us to bring the answers to the universe closer together,

There are only 3 options in this world, and very rarely will there be a 4th option, those options are: 1) rise up to occasions and do whatever you can and go against the grain to reach a place you always wanted to be regardless of race, religion, ***, or any determining factors, This also means you must follow your own words, mind, and emotions and go against every, single, word, of the entire world. Even your loved ones. 2) continue to do nothing or continue a path that brought you to the fork in the road and makes things worse and continues to listen to those who don’t want you to rise and go against yourself and your very soul. For only small gains or comfort. Or rather not having enough courage to step up and do something and having that strong-willed and independence to do something for the better. 3) you simply do nothing to improve or do worst and continue your life as is. And lastly, 4) A total miracle or something astonishing that brought progress in a short time that was set based on the luck of life and everything was in place for you and do the impossible.

We continue an endless cycle of pain due to the lack of confidence in our inner strength that is capable of making the unlikely possible because nothing is impossible, it is only an illusion created by those who stop to continue its path of total success.

Each of those paths is created by a mere thought. The words from within that wanted more then it seeks. The inner soul that wanted more in life and wanted a whole different reality. Nothing is set in stone and there are many exceptions in life itself but never an end.

These thoughts alone bring me in and out of reality when in that dark room where the world slowly distance out and my own emotions and demons come out and test my existence and sanity, emotions rise, and I feel alone. No way to truly explain to others… in a sense, I am alone, with these thoughts never be translated into words, never have an ear to truly listen and understand. Maybe I am ahead of my time, or I'm locked within my own mind that brings me close to insanity, with one push I could lose it and be lost forever, having my own mind be consumed from the inside like a black hole, forever destroying the secrets it might have shown, to be closer to the universe itself and the secrets it holds.

All I know is that I am lost and alone from the world, continuing to wear a mask even to those I care about the most. Never being who I truly am, except in certain times when I feel my true self-come out. To only just be locked away and continue the cycle we go through, Each, and, every day. While wondering our own existence in this world and evaluation our own worth in this world to which we don’t understand ourselves and the people around us. We continue an endless cycle with little gain to find the secrets in the universe. This continues to rattle our own existence in this world and strike fear in our hearts till the end of time.