sometimes i have to search for evidence that i exist
or that i ever did, at all
i question it often
my body takes up space
there are records in yearbooks
and photographs
and there's people who could probably attest to the fact that i once lived
but did i ever make a difference?
will people remember my name?
or will the memory slowly fade?
i'm pretty sure that i exist in this moment
even if i'm a little hazy
but i'm never 100% sure

i've been pulling,
pulling at my hair
wishing it would just all go away
thin strands are falling
falling to my lap

i hear a humming,
humming of a computer
but there's nothing there
and my laptop is only...
only, silent.

i'm feeling the emptiness,
emptiness of the final blank page
of a good book
and i don't,
i don't know who i am

how much time has passed,
passed since yesterday?
it feels like,
feels like,
forever.

there's this weight on my chest
that i can't explain
i'm trying to reach out
but i'm not getting a reply
keep feeling these phantom vibrations
but there's never anything there
it's like hearing your name
when they're talking to someone else
like waving to a friend
who's not waving at you

that i don't recognize
the air feels a little different here
the heat hits a little harder here
the cold bites a little deeper here
i know these halls like the back of my hand
they are made for hundreds of feet
but they lead me nowhere
these walls are built on foolish regrets
there's bad blood between the bricks
there were voices here
voices i heard for so long but never knew
faces i saw but never memorized
like the words on the whiteboard
there's names on the concrete
memories written in chalk
i'm not there
i'm not sure if i ever was

a razor blade under your tongue,
don't speak
eggshells beneath your feet,
tread carefully
a rope around your neck,
don't fall
wood underneath your nails,
reach slowly
a knife behind your back,
don't look
a knock at the door,
don't open it
a gun out of sight,
stay alert
silence in the darkness,
don't breathe

i hate the emptiness you bring
broken promises of resolutions
snow turns to slush
gone ugly from footsteps and tire tracks
clean-up after the holidays
empty boxes and strewn wrapping paper
the lights are coming down and it's dark
friends and family go back home
and i'm alone
oh january
i lay awake at night
because you make me realize that
a whole entire year just went by

i don't have the guts to stab
but i can pick away at scabs
and prevent myself from healing
i can push what i am concealing
down 'till i feel sick
though i have to be quick
i don't have the guts to cut
but i can look into the reflection and say "you're ****** up"
i can turn the mirror around
although i don't have the guts to drown
i'll find different ways to hurt
i won't let myself wear skirts
i'll stay meek
i won't let myself speak
i don't have the guts to overdose
but i can call myself gross
i don't have the guts to bleed
but i can deprive myself of what i need

i woke up today
with a headache pounding like an unwelcome guest
at the door to my mind
last night i slept restlessly
thrown around like a doll
through clusters of unpleasant dreams
of old friends and strangers
familiar places and abnormal universes
of stories i cannot understand
the line between dreams and reality blurs
what life am i living?

there’s a face in the reflection
i see it every day
in the mirror, the windows, and my computer screen
i don’t know who this person is
but i don’t think i can be friends with them
they don’t like me
and i can’t like them
even if i tried
sometimes i wanna hurt them
or maybe they wanna hurt me
they aren’t me
i don’t want them to be me
they have darkness in their eyes
maybe if i can’t see them, they won’t exist
so i turn the mirror around
when i speak, i hear their voice
so i keep my mouth shut
i know they are still there
they just won’t leave
but if they went away…
what would be left of me?
nothing.

there was a time
when we couldn't use knives
we hid them away
and we would spread butter with spoons
but you would always find loopholes
to shed your blood on the kitchen floor.
there was a time
that i feared hearing screams in the night
the morning would be agony
and i would go to school exhausted.
i rip at my hair and shriek sometimes
and i remember that time
it's your fault i'm like this
or maybe i just want to have a reason

i'm a mile deep down in the mine
fallen in a birdcage
you're a mile high in the clouds
where i cannot see

there are soft voices
speaking words of lives i do not know
the paintings on the wall stare
waiting for something that will never happen

i'm in my place to ponder
in darkness and comfort
where i will think of all the things i could do
but will never find the will to climb to you

leaves shaped like teardrops and hearts
i hear one fall softly to its death,
to the graveyard laden with previous victims
in a never-ending cycle
of springing to life
and falling to death
it repeats every year,
and yet something feels different
from the last time
as if...
between you, and i, and us
there is something here
that wasn't there before
something dark,
like the messy black feather separated from its bird
something empty,
like the abandoned wasp's nest.
something loud,
like the plane flying overhead.
something cold,
like the dead bird on the sidewalk.
something...
unfamiliar.

restless sleep
if i'm not living in a vivid dream
i'm not living at all
my eyes won't close
tossing and turning endlessly in 5 am darkness
the transition between night and day becomes blurry
i don't know what day it is anymore
it's october already
and i forgot to change my calendar again.
yesterday it was may
and i was graduating
thinking maybe i could get it together

i'm spinning around a handful of nails
i found in the backyard
i'm tempted to stab something with them
i hate this body of mine
i wish that i could hurt it
but i just don't have the guts
these nails would probably do the trick
but i sink one into the ground instead
a coward.

i left behind a part of my heart in december of last year
i felt happier than ever in the snowfall,
buying gifts for everyone i loved
but before christmas even had the chance to arrive,
i felt myself start to fall apart
by the time it was january,
i was in pieces
i tried to pick myself up,
but i think i left a few shards behind
because i haven't felt like myself since

i left behind a part of my heart in july of this year
up at the top of the high roller of vegas
where i fell in love with the cityscape
it's probably still up there,
spinning in slow, 30 minute rotations
because when i left,
home didn't feel like home anymore

it's scattered,
inside cars and classrooms,
bedrooms and coffee shops
cities and mountain trails
here and there,
i leave behind a part of my heart
until i don't know where all of me is anymore

it's the first of july
i'm watching the sky
and the cars going by
i can't look you in the eye
your finger runs along the steering wheel, shy
hair awry
sad eyes, yet warm, like pie
we both know we shouldn't try
i feel hollow, i can't cry
i know this might be goodbye
cause we're young, and we're spry
i won't lose myself to some guy
so take care, and fly high

i know whats holding me back
i know the problem and i know the solution
the past is the fog thats blocking my vision of the now
a constant reminisce of the “good ol’ days” stops me from making new memories
insecurity is the clamp that keeps my mouth shut
stitches of paranoid possibilities weave my lips together inseparably
hope keeps my eyes open but doesn’t let me act
like im watching the blank tv, expecting it to turn on on its own
and the remote is in arm’s reach but anxiety is keeping me tied to the chair
depression are the handcuffs that force me to stay in bed
everlastingly napping because there’s nothing else i can do

i know the problem and i know the solution
i need to clear the air of being stuck in the past
i need to release and relax
i need to act and watch and learn
i need to get the key, it feels so far away but im sure i could reach if i just
tried

tick tick
goes the clock
as i spend another day alone
im always one second closer to my death
another minute closer to saying goodbye
the hours pass like the seconds,
i watch them go by and i can't bring myself to move
tick tick
i can hear the bomb
my impending doom
im going to waste my life away, i can see it coming
the people i love, they're getting farther away
i can't reach them anymore,
maybe it's not them who's drifting
maybe it's me
tick tick
it feels like im waking up just before my alarm
too soon
i feel like i'm already gone

green boy,
dandelions in the midst
of blades of grass slicing the breeze
unpredictable,
growing everlastingly.

blue boy,
bright-eyed and beautiful
excitable and dazzling,
nearly incomprehensible.

like the clouds at the top of the mountain,
you're close, but never close enough
before i know it you'll be gone,
like falling leaves,
morning frost,
or rain dew.

i must remember that you are temporary
as am i.
like a butterfly,
you must grow
and i must let you go.

i got a head full of flowers
blooming and blurring reality with fantasy
colorful thoughts of what could be
if you were with me
i got a head full of flowers
i know they'll wilt soon
but let me just enjoy this beauty for now
before summer takes its bow

love stabbed me in the back
it was unrequited all along
i looked at myself in the mirror, asked why i wasn't good enough
it was the killer of my self-confidence
my deteriorating self-esteem dripped red from my lips
my eyes sunk into their sockets like a corpse
just lay me into my grave already, love murdered me
and i don't know if i'll raise up this time

im making mountains out of molehills
are they getting bigger or am i getting smaller?
i really lost myself today, i felt so far away
like an insignificant molecule floating in the vast universe
dwelling on all of the little things that make me feel hopeless
these mountains are getting steeper
they're like walls closing me in
i don't have the energy to keep trying to climb them
i need to reconnect again somehow

my hands are shaking
why are they shaking?
why do they do this all the time?
it feels like they're not my own
why do i tremble like it's still december?
what is it that's dwelling in the back of my mind
pulling on my nerves like puppet strings?
my entire body shudders
is my blood really that cold?
i'm like an amateur tightrope walker
am i that unstable?
whatever it is that's holding me together
is starting to come undone

when i try to look to my future,
i see a dead end wall that i'm gonna hit headfirst
i see a waterfall at the end of the river that's gonna take me down,
i see a pit of spikes that's gonna impale me through the chest
i see a void where i'm just gonna float forever aimlessly,
i see myself dying at the age of twenty-five when i don't have a job
i see a cliff that i'm gonna jump off of expecting to fly,
i see a gap that's gonna be too wide for me to cross
i see a train heading straight towards me on the track i've been on for eighteen years
i see a chain on my ankle that's gonna stop me from walking anymore,
i see a bed that i'm gonna lay in for the rest of my life
i see failure,
i see death.

don't leave so soon,
i've only just fallen in love with you.
i don't want to say goodbye yet,
i know there's still some time left,
but i already feel like it's slipping away.
i want you to stay,
but i know,
i have to learn to let go.

you are an enigma
a greek vase full of oil paints
the glint off the blade of a sword
you are the youthful prince,
the joking jester,
the shining knight,
and the royal highness
of your own kingdom that you built from the ground up

you are the chiseled marble statue in the museum
with laugh lines engraved in your cheeks
you are a masterpiece who creates masterpieces
art flows from your fingertips when you paint
and from your mouth when you speak
both full of intricate details and ideas
your mind is full of concepts not yet revealed to the world
your eyes go wide when you are inspired

you are the natural beauty of a colorful jungle
intimidating and impending
yet delicate and stable
bursting with pure exuberance
you are the crystal clear pools of water
the dewdrops on the leaves after a tropical storm

you are a breath of crisp, fresh air,
blood pulsing, heart beating
energy flowing from your toes
as the soles of your shoes hit the ground while you run
circulating all the way to your brain that goes just as fast
you are enthusiasm and passion
exhilaration for living in every moment

you are gooey caramel encased in creamy chocolate
teeth tearing at sweet gummy candy
sticky peanut butter on the roof of your mouth,
you are smooth yogurt for breakfast in the morning
a speck of saliva on your bottom lip

you are the melting wax dripping off a candle
soft heat that guides the way in the middle of the dark
you are the smell of burning incense
the hazey smoke swirls in the air

you are a labyrinth
a paradox of simplicity and complexity
down to earth and in the clouds
an embodiment of individuality
elaborate as life itself
you can not be perceived with the average mind
you must be understood with the inner consciousness
you cannot be recreated
because you are timeless,
unique and extraordinary
i was blessed to have crossed paths with you

all throughout the winter
i felt so empty
my soul as cold as the fallen snow
i was afraid it would never end
but after the rain is the petrichor
a refreshing smell to cleanse my pores
after the rain is the color
in the nature and in the sky
as the weather gets nicer
i find myself feeling less empty than i did before

fidgeting with whatever you can
'till you just resort to tearing at your cuticles
until they bleed
and no matter how hard you try,
you just can’t stop,
you think it’s fine now,
but your fingers will be wrapped in band-aids
before you know it
it's a painful heartbeat pounding against your chest
as you rehearse in your head every word that you want to say
but when it comes time for you to speak,
you cannot breathe
it's the sound of the crying babe in the theatre
as you stand on stage with all eyes on you
blinded by lights
and expectations
it’s being trapped in a tight space,
surrounded by skyscrapers and voices
and when you look up, you can’t see the stars
it's trembling legs like a newborn deer
it’s the tightness in your chest
after sending a risky text
it’s talking to someone and looking anywhere but their face
it's mindless noise
drowning out everything that you need to hear

scrolling through three different social media websites,
and hitting refresh for hours until there's nothing left to see
it's listening to music and forgetting the passage of time
it's being unable to sleep at four in the morning
it's waking up in the afternoon with a headache
and feeling empty,
because you had a dream that you weren’t alone
but when you woke up, there was no one there
it’s asking yourself constantly
if anyone would notice if you disappeared
it’s forgetting that you’re real, and true,
and you have needs, too
it’s january, after the holidays have passed
and the decorations have come down and the magic is lost
it's knowing you have so much you need to do,
so much you want to do,
but can't find the motivation to do it
it's losing your passion
it's walking through hallways but feeling like you're not there
it's trying to convince yourself
"there's nothing wrong with me"
it's going about the same routine,
over, and
over, and
over, again.
sleep,
wake up,
and then go to sleep again.

my body is out of sync with my mind
my brain?
that thing is on a different planet
hanging on by a thread.
my body?
it serves little purpose,
just a puppet that can only write,
and take up space.

a hollow shell of porcelain
a schism between here and there
i have left, i am gone
and there is no one there waiting for me.

my body rots, but my mind is ethereal,
floating in a nebula of printer ink,
out of sight,
out of mind.

the wheels on the bus go round and round
the kids on the bus talk and talk
racist remarks,
homophobic slurs,
inappropriate doodles,
driving me crazy
the music in my ears goes la la la
get me off this ******* bus