Shaded images of my mind
Lost in memory , lost in time
Faded memories of times that passed
Out of reach nothing lasts
Happy moments come to mind
Hard to see,  hard to find
A blurring  figure stands alone
Far from comfort,   far from home

Like certain lovers standing
amongst a slant of light

face to face
as if a public place fell away
hand touching face

I am just a pillar
of a building
quietly austere
made of pebbles pressed together

our lives will pass one another

momentarially brushing,

the particles of a second
would dust  fingertips

with the years I have spent
trying to attain some certain
something

all the shoes that pass, tied to feet
sewn together by ligaments
woven muscle, embroidered with nerves

in a puff of smoke
the only fragrance to this bitterness
on a threadbare winter day
the sun shone from squinted eye
we stood face to face
through thin curtains of blue

Look at them for
who they are
the things that knit and pull
the tender threads
of thought
dragging them across tepid
pools of punctured peace

You come traipsing through my mind
like a herd of deer
grazing on the patches
of thought
I'd tried to keep a secret

Oh- you know I tried,
but the forbidden things always taste better
with a glass of disdain
to wash everything down
I am a small pebble
laying at the foot of boulders
somehow both get ground away
all the same

and If I could find the way out
of my own head
I would humbly give you the keys
I'm sure you'd do a better job than me
so since there are no keys fashioned for such a place
I will keep making
my own mistakes
and I'll leave you to yours

My wash gives me options
To click
For warm or cold water.
To click
For darks or brights...whites?

My wash expects me
To know
The soil level or spin cycle.
(low, medium, high?)

Its buttons give me structure.
Its buzzer gives me time.
But as long as my clothes get clean,
I couldn't give a ****.

never could I touch the skin that wilted upon
your chest like my heart desired, for my heart was too fragile
I feared my soul would break, and leak all over your glittering skin.
I did not wish to contaminate you with the death that lived within me
in those distant and dark days. I did not wish for you to be a sponge.
nor my cigarette filter. My attempt was only to protect you from
myself.

what I feared most was seeing me in you.
seeing the bits and pieces of my soul that have been missing
hiding somewhere between your thumb and index finger in that warmth.

my poems repeat themselves in agony
they drag me along with them in suffice
I can't control this
its just that sometimes, I choose not to
but I can't


you move Saharan, I only wish you still did
dedicated to those who saw only the intro
never the middle
never the ending
I kiss your ankles

forgive me.

Today I stopped smoking cigarettes
I decided, looking at the sky
I was thinking about your smile
And how I’m already breathless

We were sitting by our open doors
Two feet from our two worlds
Filling the in-betweens with smoke
Clouds, through I would explore.

I get this feeling
dew drops in window panes its 5 am
,the cold is stinging me and my back feels a bit sore from the different weather
life stings outside
I lay motionless, half asleep I look at my furniture and my ceiling
and I get this feeling

I looked at all my old things
remembered holding them as a child
and my stomach caves in
moisture slides down my chin
as I overlap the different colors on the wall with a half grin

I go somewhere in my head where I have never been
sitting on top of the wall of berlin
tearing to get to that thing that is so much deeper than under my skin
I open my eyes slowly to get the perfect glance,
whisper sin

Im a deluded dreamer trapped in the core of someone elses refuge
its not mine

it was never mine

hollow filled with courses from my bloodline
I leaned back as I adorned the crevice in your jawline
defined and explicit irrational and sensitive
from that I resign
water moving down like wine into our skyline,
Im overturned into your pshyco love mass incorporated to burn bridges
and start a upheavel of immense love and rememberence
of all your most beautiful things
hidden in my cabin in the naked blue forest I have dripped down
with my hands
morphed into something bloodcurdling on a whirlwind
with gracious hormones of anarachy built under all your
comely bones

I would like if I could, to venture out
into a baroque cave where the walls are translucent
and all that surrounds it are rivers of coherence
and incoherence
where I can scream, and when my echoes
radiate they bounce off on me and touch
the spaces in between my fingers
bizarre and ornate
rococo chimes lift my spirit
progressive, regressive
subliminal rising, into the sea of whispers
and final decisions  
and crazed hands
and melting lips
and bruised knuckles
and fighting wrists...

I subsist to consist
of the fluid that makes me up
lavender barely breathing
flowers/continue/endure

hang tough, low by lakes of conspiracy
and hate/ block eyes/ shed those ill states

I carry this entity/essence/life gentely
in my arms like a ancestor. mother .
press its head against my skin and give it everything
in my blood filled hands, sinful/blessed/ tiered creatures
I feel beautiful in these worlds.

eyes closed in sleep, palms spread forth
oceans cleansing, I feel like an infant
stomach twists and hearts bat burnt wings
and learn to fly

I radiate.full hearted. eminence spoke to me
through her portal of solid grass and dieing trees
in the outskirts of the vagabond, slowly unraveling
like a child speaking
slowly growing like new love
stricken instantly
I am in
between Cleopatra and Mark
between Orpheus and Eurydice
between Odysseus and Penelope
between Elizabeth Bennett and Darcy
between Salim and Anarkali
I shiver in that love
that breathes in determent
and breathes out fragrance  
  

temperate plasma hooked onto
the grind of my woman I beat like
the robins breast/ trembling in awe
like a living leaf blowing in the winter wind
resisting/giving in/ perishing/ breathing
to the sound of this beautiful life

If you raise a knuckle to your eye
And draw away one salty circle,
Perfectly symmetrical,
Then why have a tear at all?

If crying inconveniences you
No more than a sniffly nose,
No make-up smears,
Then your tears did not water the world.

If you can sob an ocean into your pillow
But pull away when thinking of the mess you made
Instead of just crying harder,
Then I hope for you to be forever cursed

By that one person who holds a mirror
In front of your unrecognizable face.

i don't know who i am,
and i doubt i ever will.
i don't even know who i'm not,
because i change so often.

but i know who i wish i was.
christ, doesn't everybody?
we all do it, at least once:
"god, look at her. she's...
she's got everything. but,
i'd change a little bit.
and i would never do that,
or say something like that."

i wish i had more of a lot.
and i wish i had less of a lot, too.
i wish i smiled more, and laughed less.
i wish my window didn't scare me,
and i wish i wasn't scared of lakes.
[i'm not afraid of swimming,
or water, or even drowning.
i'm afraid of what's inside my head.]

i wish i had more self control,
but i wish i could let go and relax.
i wish i lived by my favorite quote,
"let it be."
and i wish i could take the middle ground,
and i wish i could love halfway.
but i'm an all or nothing type of girl.

i wish i was slower to trust and love,
and quicker to forgive and forget.
i wish i could stick to my promises,
and i wish i could live without regrets.

i'm not willing to change myself,
and i really wish i was.
it's too hard just hanging on to who i am;
i can't imagine ******* around with it.

i wish i could turn the page on some stories,
and start over again.
but i'll keep living and breathing,
through words and pictures, until the bitter end.

i wish i was the person everyone needs me to be.
i wish i was the person who didn't care about it.
but i'm always going to be the last one standing,
wishing on a shooting star, or a meteor, or a plane.

i wish i could tell the difference.