My devotions
are the hours in the nights
where I scribble in my notebook.
My prayers
are my journal entries
where I plead for sanity in my life.
My worship
is spending hours in an old bookstore
where I wish to leave with every book I come across.
My redemption
is when I compose a few poems
where all of my peers are left appalled and pleased.

Writing
is the only form of religion I know.

Just because I don't believe
Doesn't mean I don't understand
Why some people do
We don't agree on some things
But it's okay
Humans were made for community
We can still be friends
I still want to be friends
Sometimes I think about
What the world would be like
If everyone based their lives
And their morals
On just one word
Not "God"
But "Love."

I watched my friends, dear and deserving,
live the best days of their youthful lives
not as expected exactly, but
still glorious and grand.
and
From the sidelines,
I watched my friends live
wondering all the while
why the ****
do I not deserve
to do the same.
*It's just such a shame.

Why can't somebody tell me
"I'm sorry that he's dead."

With a face like that, oh so set in stone,
it is no wonder that he is alone.
He is a tunnel filled with secrets
and I just yearn to explore.

If he wants me so, he ought to know to
chip off the stone until his real face shows through.
He is a Mona Lisa painting
and I'm begging for a smile.

What I request is really not that much
just reveal to me your dreams and such.
He is a scared bird, trusting no one
and I want to make him fly.

We refused to sit
until they brought us our own table.
I ended up sitting next to you
something I hadn't done in a while.
But we both gave a smile,
with a friendly-stranger hello.

There's a picture of all of us.
I am tilted face down, but
not from sadness this time.
We all had on different faces
I hope that photo never erases.

Because we took the world and made sure to stand
until they brought us our own table.

Any relation is translation for complication
of the heart
You looked around and then you found
a place that is in the dark
You did not care of the burden to bear
from sharing a hollow one
But a heart is a heart and right from the start
it felt like what's done is done
And so I say time is taking me away
and I am growing older
So why not come with me today
and stay until it's over
I'll never get tired of your big maroon shoes
if you won't get tired of my wild curly hair
I am in love with everything that you do
and I always smell your scent everywhere
I just hope I did everything right
At least I know I did today
cause you're holding me tight
And I won't ruin the day
so I'll discontinue to write
So we can enjoy on my driveway
the ever so lovely night

I put myself in the sun because I want to get burned
I put a blade to the skin because I want to hurt
Put your hands on me because I want you to know
I put my hand down there so that you'll never let go

If I was there for a moment, what would you do?
Set me on a cracked surface, let me fall through?
Could you let yourself be with me, are you still through?

Take all the blame from our mistakes
Erase the shame, however long that takes
I will wait forever (cliche)
And we'll be together (cliche)
Say "It's time to go get her"
And I will always be right here

I'll miss your grey shirt
for no reason at all
The baseball field where we kissed
I think in the fall

On a day like this
not too long ago
skin touched fingertips
but worry takes control
I worried
I'm sorry

No you don't know
you'll never know

I'll miss that hello romance night
where it first began
Remember my happy dance
well I'll never dance again

When you put flowers in my hair
you kissed me like there was no air
now my tears are just everywhere

It fell apart
I'm to blame
time to depart
say my name

Whisper it slow
I don't want to go
and for no reason at all
it really hurts to fall
when you're on your own

That feeling of too many thoughts in my head
That sound of too many things that were said
That boy with too many feelings on a thread
That moment of too many loves in a bed

This feeling of too little thoughts shared
This sound of too little people who cared
This boy with too little that made him scared
This moment of too little plans unprepared

I am the most naive girl in the world
it's like a verb
I naived like my hair curled
it's like an herb
I drink it in like tea, all stirred and swirled

Silly little girl
when will you learn

Somebody to fill the spaces between your fingers.
Somebody who adores all your quirks and fetishes.
Somebody that loves hearing you tell those stories as much as you love telling them.
Somebody always ready to embark on an adventure with you.
Somebody with the capability of hitting all your tickle spots accurately every time.
Somebody who knows all your favorite parts to all your favorite songs from all your favorite bands.
Somebody who shares the same kissing language as you.
This is what you need:
Me.

I don't understand your fascination
your fetish for hands
But what astounds me more
is your love for my hands
Maybe it's because they always arrive
unexpectedly
(whether a slap a scratch a caress a cradle)
you never know on what reasons they travel by
Maybe it's because
they mimic your fickle and indecisive
heart

If I could select the way I die
Any torturous death would do
I have felt pain in a big supply
And it is all thanks to you

When it comes to agony, I am prepared
I shall not wince or cry
Because of you I won't be scared
If misery is how I die

Because I know it all too well
I barely consider it complication
It's how I feel when under your spell
When you sentence me to separation

In loving you I've come to accept
That dying won't be so bad
By leaving me
pain is all that is left
I will welcome death
I will be glad

If I could choose which death to fancy,
I would fancy the choking death
I am quite familiar with choking
It's what happens to me when I am
Enveloped by your presence

If I could choose which death to fancy
I would fancy the arthritis death
Being weak in the knees I have felt many times
When you melt our lips together with a kiss
I don't know if you can die from arthritis, but if I could I would

If I could choose which death to fancy
I would fancy the burning death
I feel the flaming sensation quite often
When you command your hands
To touch my skin

If I could choose which death to fancy
I would fancy the loving death
Because I think I learned what it feels like to die
When I met you

My clothes don't fit right anymore
I'm not meant to play this part anymore
It's time to find a new home to explore
It's time to close the book and shut the door

Seeking answers, I look at the sky
But stars are falling right out of the sky
With you gone, I can't help but ask why
The stars fall down without saying goodbye

I wonder if you still think of me
But she can play this part better than me
When I close my eyes it's you I still see
When I reach out in bed your spot is empty

When it comes down to enlightenment
Consider me the lightest of them all.
Soaring above, the rest of them silent,
I shall leave this place leaving you appalled.

There are liars and cheaters on every block
of seemingly perfect cities.
And being the hypocrite I am, I only mock
when what I really need is pity.

For of all the pathetics living today
I am the worst of them all
I shamelessly hurt you in every way
and you will only see me fall.

I deserve to have all the hate in the world
crammed into my body oh so nice
so all I can do is be tortured and curled
so demented, as a sacrifice.

Maybe then I'll get some sleep tonight
by realizing I only deserve the worst.
And there's no way I could make it right
since my very existence is cursed.

I've made it worse for everyone,
but mostly just myself.
The un-needed stress that I have done
it isn't good for my health.

I grasp for some certainty
growing more desperate by the minute
I wonder why, for the life of me,
it ever felt like I wasn't in it.

I am here now, love
I am ready to prove
my love for you is enough
I know it's the right move

I never meant to make you unsure
maybe timing just isn't my thing.
Promise to always forgive me, lover,
whenever I test your dear being.

If you were here beside me now
you would see how much I tremble
to know I ******* things up somehow,
worried sick that things could crumble.

Blame it on my sick need
to hear your voice all the time
I know I'm a mess indeed
but no matter what, you're mine.

I'll pretend that it is just a phase
When I walk by you, I avert my gaze
That part of my life is a blurry haze.

You aren't my home anymore
I found a new body to explore
And I keep my thoughts of you at the door.

My home is my car
even though home was always
where my little girl is

Society exiled me
or did I exile me

My days are limited
but my thoughts are infinite

The stars are my only companions
I wish I could join them
if only I could be a part of
the little dipper that hovers
right above her house
a perfect view

If I can't forgive myself for leaving
maybe she can

The weeks without food consume me
until I forget my name and my past

If I can't come back as a twinkle in the night sky
let me come back as the wind
that she inhales into her body and
exhales out with a sigh
that ripples through her hair and
cools her neck on unbearable days

I hope to God she knows
and I hope to God there is a God

The reason why
we look up to see clouds and not down
is the reason why
a toddler looks up to an older sibling
is the reason why
a dog looks up to its beloved owner
is the reason why
I find hope in clouds. Because

the reason why
clouds always keep moving forwards not backwards
is the reason why
we all should do the same.

You push me away
A child pushing his plate full of veggies
as far from him as he can
yes
there may be carrots in a carrot cake
but it still tastes sweet
I wish
you could accept the fact
that vegetables are good for you
and so too
am I
maybe you could even
learn to like them
maybe you could even
learn to love them

I can feel it bewitch
A scratch and an itch
A tickle and a tease
As if I have to sneeze
Maybe everything we want
Is right under our noses
And we're too vulnerable
To say achoo.

The bell rings.
I am one of the many cows that herd towards the door,
mooing impatiently to exit.
By entering into the hallway,
I find you easily
because I know where to search,
and we have grown accustomed to
picking each other out in crowds.
Our eyes lock for a fleeting second,
then we both find a spot on the floor to inspect
as we wait for me to
make my way towards your stationary self
and your pocketed hands. Step after clunky step.
Once I arrive, in place of exchanging greetings,
our bodies 180 turn and make our way among fellow cows.
Our lanky walks fall in sync with each other, clumsy
in all the same places.
We walk side by side together. This is routine.
We do this every day. Two among a herd of cows.
Moral of the story:
To everyone else, we are nobody.
To each other, we are somebody.
The favorite part of my day is knowing someone is there
Waiting for me to find my way to them.
The best part is I always do.

You should know
I am quite aware
Of ALL your longing stares
And it makes me really uneasy.

You should know
To avert your gaze
Stay away from my maze
I don't want you if you're easy.

I cannot fathom
why that pretty song lasted so much longer
when I was so exhausted
I could hear my bones groan.
Yet that sad poem ended so much quicker
when it was about you.
One sang me to sleep.
One lead me to nightmares.

I always knew your biggest pet peeve was not being taken seriously, but here I am today mocking you. But if I say your hair is a mess, I really mean it looks unbelievably adorable when it curls up like that, just so.

And I know you could never be my chauffer, I know that now, and it isn't because we both don't even have our licenses yet. I'm simply coming to terms with the fact that I live inside of a bubble, underground, a million kilometers below sea level. And you are a shape shifter, only able to transform and transcend into creatures with wings. Maybe they don't all have wings necessarily, but wings could be a symbol for freedom, and they most certainly have that ability.

So one day you are a falcon. The next you are in outer space, being a creature that isn't even discovered by man yet. No matter what, you're still free. And I am still imprisoned.

You would think being inside this cell would teach me that no, you do not care what I think about your hair curling up at the ends, just so. And that yes, you are way too high above the clouds for an underground lady like myself. But I just never learn.

Perhaps the only way I will ever learn is when I find a new shape shifter. One who is not limited to beings of the sky, but one who can morph into anything. Maybe even a petite, rusty old key that can unlock me. And set me free.

And maybe, just maybe, that new shape shifter won't even have curly hair.

P.S. Please come soon.

The diamond in the rough.
The one who converts
yet never conforms
and is known
for being unknown
always on
the outside looking in
and enjoying the view.
The red in a sea of blue.

Pour me out.
Take me back to a day
of oblivious existence
Where our only issue
was being together
drinking it all in,
and never feeling
full.
Today,
I reached my tipping point.
And I might just finally topple over.
Shatter into a million pieces.
Scatter to the ends of the room
slip into secret cracks and crevices
you didn't even know existed
and will never find.
Clean the mess up halfway,
wipe up the water
sweep up the noticeable shards
assuring your guilty soul,
"That will suffice."
I hope you step
on the forgotten jagged pieces
you left behind.
And hear a crack
as your dry skin
meets glass once again,
but in a different way.
And when you look down
assessing your feet for damage
I hope blood seeps out.
Stains the floor red
forever tinted
with the same kind of pain
I get from knowing this
glass breaking,
earth shattering,
heart crushing
end to our story
is permanent.

He kissed my neck
Nibbled softly at its skin
And when he kissed my lips
I tasted my own perfume
My own poison
In my own mouth.
I lived, but he died.
You are immune to your own poison.

Once,
I built a city.
Quiet, serene, pretty.
All of my people were quite content
With a world of no sudden movement.

Then,
Someone came along
And sang a fast song.
It gave the people something to savor
And it caused their loyalty to waver.

So,
Everybody decided to leave.
A fact I still cannot believe.
**** that exciting song of temptation.
I tried so hard to change this situation...

Now,
I have a city.
Quiet, serene, pretty.
But I was abandoned by all.
Now all I have left are my walls.

They say Love is blind,
but I disagree.
It sees too much.

Consumed by maybe spite,
apathy perhaps.
Love
watches you destroy everything.

Omniscient; Love sees all.

As you consume yourself in flames of brokenness
and lose her,
Love watches.

And what is more,
Love does nothing to stop you.

Your goofy grin is to me
As a charmer's flute is to a snake.
Serenade and ****** me,
Oh mystical one.
Wherever you smile,
Wherever you play,
I will follow.

My souvenir from last night?
Scratches down my legs from the tangled brush.

Not a kiss on the lips,
Not a cuddle in the cold,
Not even a belated Christmas present.
Scratches.

I set myself up for failure
Every time.

Boy meets girl.
Cute couples.
Kissy kissy.
Warm bodies pressed.
Memories of love.

All I remember about that bitter cold winter
Is being alone.

This is free
Writing me
As much as
This is me
Writing free

This song is so two years ago
And this feeling is six months early
But here we are, dancing,
Because this moment is right now.

In times of need,
When I would moan
"I want you" into the phone
I would forget my age.

Or when I stay strong
And restrain my tears
Like a mother at her
Son's funeral does
I forget my age.

In fact,
In times of need,
I am capable of forgetting
Just about everything.

How old am I again?

When I attempted to tell you
That I hate you
I slipped,
Tripped,
Broke.
Accidentally told you
I love you.

Those nights in which I stumble to bed,
Makeup still intact,
Jeans and shoes remaining,
Uncombed, unbrushed,
Unwritten and undefined...

Bring on the days
In which I don't give two ***** about anything.

"And what then?" I asked,
With the fire roaring by,
And the ashes in the sky,
"And what then," I asked,
With a smile oh so sweet,
"What then when the world we know
Burns down to our feet?"

"And what then?" I asked,
With the waves smashing down,
And the wind whistling 'round,
"And what then," I asked,
With my shaky, trembling hands,
"What then will happen
To our once beloved lands?"

"And what then?" I asked,
Your tears mixed with my own,
And 911 calls on the phone,
"And what then," I asked,
With helpless cries like a dove,
"What then will become of
The dear ones that we love?"

Oh, those winding curves and me with no brakes.
Oh, those long legs and me with no reaching arms.
Oh, those pearly whites and me with no available floss.
Oh, those voluptuous locks and me with no comb.
Oh, those big revealing eyes and me with just a windowless soul.
Oh, those velvet hands and me with not even cotton fingers.
Oh, that woman of absolute perfection and me with no way to contain her.

They have been uprooted from the only life they have ever known,
the poor things.

New so-called family, new barred cage, new fake toys.
Scared shitless. (Literally.)

They will try to tempt you.

"Pretty bird." "Pretty bird."

Don't you dare trust the humans.
Don't you dare let them clip your wings.

It's like the unbearable itch of knowing somebody's eyeballs
are piercing the back of your sweaty neck,
and it's intimidating as hell.

It's like the rhythmic pounding of a migraine,
such a pretty and steady beat, but holds
such a negative association with
nauseating pain.
What a shame.

Waiting.

It's not something you can feel,
like the hurting force of hitting the ground hard.

But waiting
for you, someone, something,
anything at all,
it's the most excruciating feeling I have ever felt.

Of all the times
We have encountered each other thus far,
We have never been alone.

I do not know who you are when you are alone,
Or who you would be if you were alone with me.

The idea of it all
Makes me curious.
Like I just might want
To find out.

"Have a place just for me."

Even now, I'll admit he was special.
But he never did get his own box.

Thus began the rainy season.

Our secret journal, the emotions, and his taste.
It is all stashed
In in the same spot as the others
Mingled together, in a shoe box.

If boys were leaves
he would be one among many
scattered on damp ground in the humid fall
of my memories.

God I love Autumn.

No, he never did deserve his own box.

Spring is approaching.

Peek-a-boo, I see you
Underneath the ***** lunch tables
We yearn to hold hands but are unable

Goodnight moon, see you soon
We live for the weekends with reckless abandon
His mannerisms, I just can't understand him

What happens in Vegas stays
And you are quite a gamble

They were making out, bodies pressed
against the high school wall.

Behind them, posters of soldiers
who have died to serve their country
were plastered.

They were making out, bodies pressed
against the high school wall.

Their ***** selves were blocking the picture of a marine.

And they didn't even notice.

I find that
Freckles seem to make the strangest shapes.

I find that I lose myself
With the connect the dots game
On your face.
I count three on your neck
Below your soft forest of hair.
A pointed constellation.
I imagine inside the freckle triangle,
It says: kiss here.
And kiss you I do.

I find that
Your freckles tell me where to travel with my lips.
I am going down down down
And now there's goosebumps.
Ah, the land is not fallow yet.
Further and further.
One dot, two dots, small dots, big dots.

I find that
My mouth is growing warm with
The taste of your pastures
Enveloping it.
I am hungry.

I find that
The land further down is bare.
A desert.
No more freckles to follow.
I look up for the first time,
And there you are,
Gasping for air.

My turn.