When I was 8
I would draw
stick figures of black and white
standing alone next to a forest
green trees, dandelions, and carnations pink,
swaying in the wind amongst a sunset
orange and bittersweet.

When I was 10
I would draw
twinkling outer space purple mountains
majesty still as midnight
blue bell rings, encompassing all things atomic
tangerine planets and occasionally a piercing laser
lemon electric lime stars streaking through the sky.

When I was 17
I would draw
scribbly doodles run wild
strawberry heart screaming tickle me
pink blush on its face, waiting
for its cadet blush crush
to save it from dreaming in history of jazz
berry jam scents lingering on its lips.

I gave you my attention
and you took it
like fame

I gave you my love
and you took it
like medication

I gave you my everything
and you took it
like nothing

I gave you myself
but I can’t say you took it
because you never did

Darling, you don’t love me
like I love you
and I blame it on the past

I’m never taking history again.

i think about the hospital a lot
the crisp white sheets
the shiny piece of tin on the wall
the ***** trio of couches

these images are super glued to my eyes
it’s almost as if i wish i was still there
but that would mean, of course,
that i am still sick – or at least what they say sick is

the scent of hospital air lingers on my sweatshirt
you know, the one i wear everyday
the one that hides my imperfections
and my scars

my sweatshirt has been washed
smothered with detergent
but all i smell is the mental ward
the brain senses what the brain wants

maybe i want to be back there
with the others who, for those seven days, i considered my family
perhaps it’s because i felt safe
like it was okay to be the way i am

i want to be back there
in the isolation of a sad, protected world
either i’m getting sick again
or i was never cured

Uncertainty bubbles within me
Confusion haunts even my deepest thought
Rejection lingers in my heart and soul
And sadness makes my vision distraught.

Sleep no longer comes easy
Dreams are vivid and whatnot
Questions await their partners in crime
While I try to recall a single moment we fought.

Glances slowly shrink away to peeks
Fingertips curl into anxious knots
A head nod or some symbolizes hello
As we realize that mutualism cannot be bought.

Make up your mind, oh, anytime now
For my heart beats, I don’t know much longer how.

When I ran into your arms,
After four months of being apart,
I felt something new.
There was a new electricity,
Some sort of eccentricity,
Drawing me forth to your scent
And ******* my soul to your being.
I saw you again the next day,
But only a mutual glimpse in passing
Deepened our connection,
Tightened the puppeteer string between our hands.
I saw you again the next night,
At our first lone dinner,
Full of awkward laughter and true smiles,
Ending with ****** tension thick enough to slice
With the blades I keep in a little purple box in my sock drawer.
You told me you wanted to cut that tension,
Tear our preventative electrical wire to shreds
So you could reach my lips.
But then you left.
Five days of me without you,
Me determining ways I could destroy our barrier,
Thinking up the different speeds I could run into your arms,
You mingling the crowds in a far away place,
Feeling the lips of another girl.
And you had the audacity to tell me,
To be proud of your endeavors in lust,
Not thinking twice about your words to me.
I don’t forget words.
Especially yours.

My eyes have been looking
For weeks, months, years
For perfection –
Or at least perfection in their view.

They see me try my hardest
They see me throw away necessities
They see me fall.
They cry.

But my trials of heartache do not matter
For my efforts go unseen.
No changes –
Neither in my eyes nor in those of others.

I stare at the mirror and see eyes looking back at me –
Eyes that look like mine, but aren’t.
Eyes unrecognizable, but still, eyes.
Turquoise, cerulean, cobalt, even;
Bright, wide-eyed, and

                                         sad.

Beautiful but sad.
Sad because un-beautiful.

The eyes in the mirror are desperate;
Sighing, searching, waiting
For that one morning when they will see a change,
The change they’ve been waiting for, for oh so long.

The change that will bring all –
Happiness, love, success –
Everything my eyes see at night
When dreams become reality.

But right now, my eyes are blurry
Covered in tears
Overflowing
Because they do not like what they see.

You radiate magnificence and truth
A soft luster attracts the greatest love
Shimmering with halcyon times of youth
I, your chemistry undeserving of.

Loose molecules are forgettable threads
Yet the simplest dissolve and agonize
The scattered musings in your mind are webs
Great Walls of which I cannot hydrolyze.

You’re the one element I deeply crave
But we’re no match; I am passionate red -
If a one thousand sixty-three heat wave
Should pass, I’d make a mold of the unsaid.

All that glitters is not gold, people say.
But in my eyes, your shine’ll never decay.

I gave blood today; I wanted to be a Good Samaritan, help those in need. My blood, after all, is healthy, pure. The thing is though, is that as I watched my life slowly ebb into the pint-sized plastic bag of rescue, I was imagining how lovely it would be for all of it to flow out, into a bag, into the bath, into the universe. To be empty, weightless, cold. As the blood pulsed out of my veins and my arm became weaker, I wished for my eyes to close and for my thoughts to slow down, for the discombobulate realm I call my life to slowly disappear or at least evolve into a breathtaking pasture of wispy freedom. Once my arm was emptied and the possible end was stopped, they told me - drink up, drink up, eat up, eat up - replenish the sugar and tiny hemoglobin cells that I so gracefully supplied. I took hold of the juice, and I took hold of the cookie, but once out of sight, I tossed them to the side. I wanted the feeling of faintness, dizziness, the insecurity of being caught in between two worlds. And as I sit here now with a muted mind and a slight headache, I am slightly pleased.

I want you to want me
And you say you really do
But I know your words are lies
Just told to make me feel beautiful.
You feel for me not what I feel for you
So I understand your reasoning -
Why would you choose me,
A daisy in a field of roses?

You wake up in the middle of the night
and you hear an unfamiliar sound—
a gasp, it sounds like,
or a choking, a struggle.
You are disturbed, yet unafraid,
you are curious, but too lazy to leave your bed.
Three deep breaths, and the sound stops,
and you realize that you were just
choking on your own words,
your own thoughts trapped between your
throat and your lips, the thoughts you
always want to scream but only whisper
quietly to yourself, the thoughts that are
thunderstorms inside your head,
clouding your vision and pushing you
down to the floor, the thoughts that
time after time break down the dams
behind your eyelids
but only in controlled isolation.
You hear yourself gasping for breath,
your breathing remnants of thoughts,
your thoughts tough hands
around your own neck,
squeezing firmly until you fall
back to sleep.

Lately I’ve been finding it hard to write
You’re in my brain
You’re in my heart
You’re in my hands

Please get out
Please get out
Please get out
I don’t want you here anymore.

Whenever I taste your sweet menthol on my lips,
I inhale the desirable into my lungs,
And I exhale the tragic out of my soul.
But in reality, I breathe in death disastrously,
Filling myself with chances of possibility,
Artful ideas of being successful and extraordinary,
Forgetting any remnants of how I feel honestly,
With wishes to destroy every lightweight dandelion seed
I planted within myself, easily whisked away by a breathless wind,
Pushing my inner horizon farther and farther down the skyline.
Every minty swirl of hazy exhaustion I release
Finds me additional pieces to my jigsaw masterpiece
Countless shapes and sizes available for me to lease
But only one is correct and allows me to cease
My everlasting journey to find what I need.
A finger flick on a flame lights up my brain,
Igniting passionate affection for creativity,
For building up my future full of sovereign devotion
To assurance and indisputable positivity undarkened,
A clear-cut, twinkling vision of self-affirmative action,
Establishing a reality only seen in my dreams, me, chosen.
I always view the future haphazardly,
If I’m not a scientist what the hell will I be?
I just want to do is create and inspire and explain me
Looking through scopes and writing down numbers is not enticing
And I need some sort of stimulus to keep my body sane and happy.
My whole life I’ve wanted to make an impact, a change
Just now I know how that’s going to make way,
I want to write, express, let others know they’re not alone,
And if that is unsettling, I’ll just let your mind be blown.
My ever-expansive appetite craves for adventure,
I yearn for travel, for maps, for experience, new cultures
The globe is my home and I want to unlock every door
So my thirst will be unsatisfied until you give me the key for more.
Now I’m not trying to move mountains, stop war,
I just ask for a peaceful border, for safe travel and legal cigars.
Our society is mesmerized with beauty and love
But we lack the propensity to settle down and be content with ourselves
And if we can’t covet ourselves, who are we to judge?
She’s a little sad, he doesn’t curse,
Who is anyone to say that they aren’t worth a poetic verse?
Without a simple change to the way we perceive, we’re held back –
We, ourselves, block the borders to love and to peace,
Gunning down possibility,
Wearing away the concept of wholeheartedly,
Only accepting work done effortlessly,
Forgetting the importance of personality,
Living systematically,
Mathematically,
Temporarily.
We need change.
Escape the man-made Inferno of what we call society,
Climbing up the ladder of knowledge and inquiry and creation
Until we reach the omniscient sun and the moon,
To the stars and beyond.

Dirt and Soil are two very different entities:

Dirt ruins sidewalks with villainous hieroglyphs
Tainting mounDs of snow betwIxt blackenEd dishonor,
Staining calloused hands with failed attempts at beauty.
Soil energizes budding stems of life
Beautifying chiLd-rIdden parks along suburban aVenuEs,
Painting hard work and dedication on weathered fingertips.

Everything around me is glimmering with the remnants of a luxurious Soil bath at a ritzy hotel,
While I am clutching my shaking body, sitting in a puddle of mud amidst a ***** tsunami.

i was sitting in your passenger seat
that new car smell
laughing awkwardly yet engorged
in happiness
together

she walked up to the window
interrupted with ‘hello’
eyes searing through my shield
of cover up and jewelry
broken

a wide-eyed gaze upon my skin
scarlet art visible
my secret identity discovered
what is that? she asked
            Nothing

See over my right shoulder, the dead, dreary, dead branches of the wintery trees, barely moving in the ever-powerful gust of wind driving this dead, dreary, dead wintery season. Not even a fervent burst of energy can move the slim slivers of silver gray metal fibers springing out from the ever-overlooked sabers of the smothered icy flatland.

See over my left shoulder, my pale, ghostly, pale face staring back at me forcing my lucrative thoughts to my shaking hands. Not even the strongest helicase enzyme could unzip, untwist, unzip the simple, dangerous, simple deoxyribonucleic acid strung down my body, running down my veins like my steaming morning mocha, caffeinating my blood, my blood, my blood and pushing me to push farther, deeper, farther into the heavens of my thoughts, the meadows of my eyes, the hell atop my fingertips – one, two, three, four, five.

Thank heavens, your heavens, my heavens they’re all there; the unsolved mystery beneath my fingernails is still lost, lost, lost like my last fourteen chapsticks. Help, anybody. Does anyone see a lonesome chapstick tube? Forget it. It’s right beneath my toes – one, two, three, four, five. I am standing on top of a gold mine—inhale the chemicals, feel the potency of the potential inside of my body, do you realize how stupid you were? I gave you my attention and you took it like fame, I gave you my love and you took it like medication. Darling, I gave you my everything—I gave you myself but I can’t say you took it because you never did, and instead you stole my muscles and my bones, and the gravity holding up my chest from crashing back down on me after every single breath.

But most importantly, you stole my magic potion—one sip of that ever-so-clear concoction has the ability to provide me with a splinter of the sun, just enough to shine illuminating light on my mind, giving me the realization that I am still drunk off of you—and you and you apparently. But you grabbed it, took it, grabbed it, you thief, and you left me here to bear the freezing, cold, freezing winter on my own. My body is numb, my brain is numb, my heart is numb, and not even the symphony of my screams is enough to shatter, shatter, shatter the icicles surrounding my soul.

Instead, all I have is a noxious, lethal, deadly, cup of noxious, lethal, deadly poison, and I can already feel a single sip of its opacity slowly trickling down my throat like molasses. And it burns it burns it burns. Look into my eyes. See the raging heat rising, dilating my pupils to their limits, vanishing the blue from my irises, and understand that the words coming out of your mouth burn me like lava, and the volcanic essence of your intentions burns holes in my veins, leaving a forsaken cavity in my chest. So the next time you have the opportunity to articulate an opinion, make sure you don’t create a copy of the key to the cage of my own personal dragon, waiting to breathe fire on your words and wrangle, mangle, wrangle your next ones.

Drumsticks pound at a continuous beat
For every fourth count they sound
And they resonate like the drone
Of a hive of bumblebees.
Common sense tells oneself to hide –
Run far, far away from the sound of the drone –
For if one gets too close, a sting will ensue.
I, however, cannot run;
The hive is in my head,
And it gets louder every day.
No spray, no poison can terminate
No net, no flower can rid
My mind of the little terrors
Lurking at the end of my ear canals.

For the monsters are trapped –
I am trapped – in an invisible prison,
A prison which was has no key, no guards.
With impenetrable walls of steel
And the torture of loudness that
Not even an immortal could endure.
But the worst term of my sentence is time –
I will be here for a very long time –
As I will be imprisoned here
Forever.

I feel a pounding
Strong, like the beat of a bongo drum
It’s in my ears, my heart, my blood
The feeling pulsing through my veins
And it is burning, it’s scorching my insides.
It’s in my fingers, my bones, my toes
Getting closer, closer, almost there
But where, I don’t know.
My eyes close, the pounding fades, it stops.

It’s lost, that feeling
But still so **** loud
Deafening my every nerve
To the point where I feel nothing
Where, who, why is this sound apparent?
Boom, boom, boom, gone!
I can feel the vibrations now
I sense a new knowledge,
My awareness has peaked –
That sound, that awful ******* sound,
Bashing my heart and my brain into shards
Is coming from Hell,
Which I now find is right inside me.

the perfect photograph
taken with your vintage Nikon D-something-thousand
sharp lines and enlightening contrast
clear edges
exact focus
the sun rising in the horizon
cannot convey the way I feel
about you

Help me
I’m trapped, falling into the abyss
All I can see is darkness
Voices whisper to me as I sink
And no one can hear them but me.

Save me
The walls are closing in
And my arms are getting squeezed too tight
Please, loosen the ropes around me
Catch me before I fall again.

Release me
I see the light through a hole in the cave
But the glimpse only lasts a second
And just as quickly as it arrived,
The light disappears.

          It is dark again.

It was all without
For what of us
Do ***** on the hour
She drunk as liquor
He like toast

There once was a girl, a very beautiful girl,
Who cried herself to sleep every night.
She didn't have much - friends, a boyfriend, the life.
And she didn't have happiness.

There once was a girl, a very beautiful girl,
Who cried herself to sleep every night.
She had it all - friends, a boyfriend, the life.
But she didn't have happiness.

There once was a school, where two sad little girls learned history and math,
Where two sad little girls ate lunch -
Or didn't.

There once was a bathroom, in some school somewhere in some town,
Where two little girls went every day around noon.
One went to cry, and one went to try
And empty herself of her mid-morning meal.

Every day they acknowledged each other's existence,
With a nod of a head or a brief meeting of the eye.
They understood each other's pain,
They knew each other's secrets,
But they said nothing.

They never wiped the other’s tears,
They both ignored the other’s gags,
No questions asked,
No words said.

But these two beautiful girls had a bond,
A bond they shared with many other beautiful little girls
All over the world.
Very few of these girls knew of the others.
They each thought that they were alone.
But they weren’t.

One day, the two beautiful girls,
The ones who went to that one school in that one town,
Decided that they each wanted to be happy.
They helped each other,
Supported each other,
Wiped each other’s tears.
They were not alone.

Soon enough, beautiful little girls all over the world
Began to find each other.
They started to help each other,
Support each other,
Wipe each other’s tears.
They no longer felt alone.

Eventually, the two beautiful girls,
The ones who went to that one school in that one town,
Stopped going to the bathroom after lunch.
Every day they acknowledged each other’s existence,
With a smile or a friendly hello.

There once were two girls, two very beautiful girls,
Who smiled
Everywhere.
Two little girls, who each had a new best friend -
And happiness.

If I had a magic wand,
I would make you understand
That overdosing won’t **** you,
And I would make you understand
That your screams rattle my bones
And your cries tear my heart to shreds.

If I had a magic wand,
I would make the feel of my embrace a sweater
So that you could wear it anytime you like
And I would turn my laughter into a bandaid
That absorbs your pain and sends it to me,
Because I care so much
I’m going to bleed to death of it anyway.

But most of all,
If I had a magic wand,
I would make you believe that
You are enough.
You are so enough,
It is unbelievable how enough you are.

I don’t understand the phrase
moving on

Because how do I forget
the sincerity of my smile,
when you look at me
with the same one?

And how do I fill in
the nooks and crannies
on my body, where yours
fits perfectly?

And how come the sky
hasn’t changed colors?
As long as the sky is blue,
I’ll never not be in love with you.

Look into my eyes, tell me, tell me
Don’t you know? Don’t pretend
The fire, the fury, the pain
Drunken calls for help, all truth
Drugged pleas for you, all real
Help me, you’re the one
Not the one that I want, but I need
Only your savior can release me
Release me from the pain, the AGONY
The terror, the tears, the trials
Everything unpleasant, anything awful
Death, blood, dreams, lies
Lies to myself, to you, to everyone
Lies about me, you, everything
You know the truth, tell me the truth
Why won’t you tell me the truth?
It can save me, it will save me
Because the lies are sending me away
Deeper and deeper into the dark abyss
Where monsters can grab me, strip me
They’ll infiltrate me, my soul
I will be destroyed externally
Almost as destroyed as I am inside.
A destruction so pure, so thorough
That I’ll never be fixed – no, not ever
I’ll be gone forever, forever
And not even your memories, your pleas
Can bring me back, because I’ll be strong
I’ll finally be strong, I’ll be invincible
And you’ll never be able to find me
Never able to bring me back.
Now is your only chance,
Your last chance, for good.

a tiny round pearl
a thin oblong sapphire
a small smooth ruby
a fat opaque opal

keep me alive
control me
erase me

i want to smash them
implode them
they are not worth the effort
it takes to mine the earth

i am powerless
not real
i do not exist

Last night's storm woke me up in the middle of the night, and I don't know how but I think the lightning struck through my entire body. I felt my every muscle spasming with pulses from high-energy electric waves and I heard the omniscient thunder echoing between the cliffs inside my head. I can still feel the reverberations but all I can hear is emptiness; I don't know how the thunder found a way out but I'm going to keep scaling the walls until I find a door. I don't want to be enclosed in this box anymore.

Each picture of you two together
Is an off-switch for my smile
But I’m learning to reconfigure the wires
So that you no longer control me.

Though it’s hard to forget you
When everyone told me you were the one--
You told me you were the one--
Even though you never kissed me
Beneath the moonlight.

I’ll never know if our sincerity
Meant anything to you,
But no, we can’t still be friends.
She won’t ever love you like I did
And I won’t come running back to you
When her love is not enough.

I don't even want to bleed
I just need to know I'm alive
I'm freezing but there's no AC
The air is so ******* still
My stomach hurts so bad
Acid is burning down my cheeks
I couldn't dance around in my pjs if I wanted to.

Dreary raindrops drip
Racing down the window
Blurring my sight of the world.
We’re moving now –
Unless that’s just the world
Spinning around me,
Trapping me in its tornado of uncertainty.
Or maybe I’m the one spinning,
Going out of control
With no sight of what is right or real,
Hair flying like a madman’s
Whipping through the cold air
And the bright white gusts,
As I attempt to keep up my defenses
Against everything else caving in.

Do you see my gate?
It’s closed –
With metal rods blocking any entrance, any break in.
Oh, but the gaps –
With places where you could reach in and grab my hand,
Saving me from the loneliness of forever.
You could open my gate, but you’re choosing not to.
Why?

I feel the tendrils creeping in
Wrapping around my core, my neck
The muscles slowly strengthen, suffocating me
Making my calls so muted they’re virtually nonexistent.
I’m shouting though I can’t breathe,
But no one can hear my screams from the
Deep, dark trenches of the shadowy sea
As unbeknownst creatures emerge,
Leaving their places of sweet asylum
And intruding upon mine,
Yet, I still am stranded here in this place.
I don’t even know where I am,
But the voices of fear and insecurity in my mind,
Tell me what I need to do - when, why, how -
Steadily I hear a crescendo of a piano some distance away,
So far, almost on the outskirts of the complex town inside my mind,
Though I discover the music is waiting just around the bend.
A flats, F sharps – getting louder, louder!
“Stop!” I am screaming now
Or at least I think that’s me.
But the music blocks out my voice
That tender little voice of mine.
Suddenly, as I see a blonde-haired head pop up,
I lose my balance, and I begin to fall
Deep into an abyss, a magical abyss
With walls that close in more and more the farther I drop.
As the yellow light above me slowly dims,
I expect a rope, a ladder, anything,
But there is no one there to save me.
I realize the opening I see is a barrel,
And I am staring directly into its wide-eyed face.
A click tells me that the trigger is ready,
As the melody overtakes me and
I am caught in a whirlwind of music.
Spinning, spinning, everything going round and round
All I can see is the darkness behind my eyelids.
So I cry out loud yet again
But no one comes to my side,
Which doesn’t matter, I guess –
I don’t want my skin to be a bulletproof sheath,
Protecting and preserving my unyielding wall.
I want the demons to infiltrate my soul and strip me of this agony
So that I can finally smile amidst the ocean’s fury
As the tornado destroys my mind
And the tendrils of the music pull me in.

I’m riding waves of unhappiness
With peaks of glimmering hope
And troughs of utter disappointment--
I think I’m in love.

Who do you think you are?

You can’t just inject yourself
straight into my heart,
then rip out the iv,
and act like you didn’t
cause any of my pain.

You can’t blame me
for feeling attached
when you locked
my heart to yours
and threw away the key.

When you left, you took with you my ability to move,
My ability to breathe, my ability to speak.
You stole my muscles and my bones,
My senses and my desires.
I can no longer taste your lips on mine,
Or smell your shampoo on my pillow.
I can no longer hear your voice calling my name,
See your smile, nor feel your hands wrapped around my waist.
All that is left for me to feel is the crushing blanket of loneliness,
A knit wool too warm to cuddle with under the covers,
Too heavy to hold to my chest to give it freedom to rise and fall.
My body is numb, my brain is numb, my heart is numb.
I can feel the darkness of the vast and empty night sky above me,
Slowly lowering down to Earth, directly to my empty bed,
And for a single moment, I want to feel like the universe is safe,
Like it isn’t about to crush me and my heart isn’t about to explode.
For I am left without shield, you, my warrior, my one-man army,
And I am immobilized and unprotected,
And there is no way in hell I can win the next World War against myself.
Escape is my only option to divert the attention from my hiding place,
To prevent the enemy of me from further destroying my soul and consuming my body.
So if I’m lost, please don’t find me, and if I jump, please let me sink,
For darkness has fallen on this sunlit winter day,
And the sweet crescent moon no longer casts a light on my pillow,
Leaving only shadows of Heaven in the darkness.

My body is a temple
So only I can destroy it
And that I do,
With every imaginable resource.
I want to wither away,
To melt, to break
Into a million little pieces
So that one day, a child on the street
Will find a piece of me
And think it’s his lucky day.
Or maybe I could flow in the wind
Weightless, part of a fluffy cumulus cloud
Above everyone whole on the ground,
Traveling on great adventures.
Pieces of me will go to outer space,
Where I can look down on mankind
And explore the lives unknown;
Yet, pieces will stay right at home,
The rightful place where I fell apart,
So that everyone who tried to help,
Tried to keep me together,
Can have a token of an attempt
To prevent the creation of a memory.

Sometimes I feel blessed by the Gods
These gifts I’ve received
But I am not Hercules
I don’t deserve any sort of Chiron
I don’t want any benefaction
Take them away,
These powers – superpowers
That have been bestowed upon my soul.

I am not a hero,
I am not an extraordinary being –
I am sub-par,
A simple human at best,
And I don’t want my skin
To be a bulletproof sheath
Protecting and preserving the unyielding wall
Between Olympus and Earth.

it’s 1:29 am
it’s been 3 hours and still i’m unable to fall into slumber
i’m sitting straight up in my bed
quietly singing love songs to myself
thinking
about how alone i really am
not only tonight, but always
it’s not that i’m alone – i have friends and a caring family
but i’m lonely
and if you’re lonely,
you’re alone - always
no matter how many others surround you

sometimes i think i’d rather be like this
i like the isolation
the ability to get lost in thought
deep in the maze of my mind
it’s easier
transient relationships
fleeting memories
i can remember them - without forgetting the details
but still, i’m human
and i crave the intimacy
and love and lust and connection
of a life without pain.

Do you ever hug your pillowcase,
Face down, eyes searing through the light colored cotton
Like you’re trying to see through the fabric,
Looking for a reflection into your own head,
Searching for some peace of mind within you?
Peace of mind.
The one thing we all need the most, crave the most
All everyone says is keep looking, keep trying
It will come eventually -
*******.
So the search for serenity continues
It’s gotta be somewhere out there, right?
All that results is overthinking
Thoughts spinning out of control,
And consuming your entire mind.
And now it’s 4am and it stings in the shower
And I’m sorry if you understand that
Because it means you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I’m wondering about you
Wondering why this isn’t working,
Like when we’re sitting together,
You and me at dinner, and you won’t look up.
Is your phone prettier than my face?
I’ll never really ask because, yes,
I am that shy girl I sometimes refer to.
So I’ll keep on searching for answers to my questions
But the problem is that the answers are not inside my wrist
So I’m just going to hug my pillowcase some more,
Thinking about you, thinking about us
Letting the pain seep deeper into my heart.
It hurts because it matters.
And yes, I might wonder too much,
But I’m so obsessed with finding someone to love me
Because I can’t love myself.

And now it’s 5am, and I should probably go to sleep
So I can look okay when I see you in the morning.

Most girls my age
Make a wish at 11:11.
They wish for Prince Charming
Or to travel to romantic places
And they look for good and happiness.
But I, on the other hand,
Used to wish for the bad and scary –
That is, if I thought a wish was worth it at all.
I used to wish for cancer, or a crashed car
Anything that would make those with experience
Hate my very existence
Almost as much as I did.
11:11 meant a time for tears –
Because I was someone who didn’t care,
Someone who didn’t want a future –
What would I wish for?
A slow, painful death at times
A quick, painless one at others.
Everything around me was gone at 11:11 –
Family and friends and love and future –
My surroundings were a fuzzy white screen,
A television without signal,
With no goal, or hope even, for repair.
It is 11:11 once again,
And though I’ve been “fixed,”
I haven’t taken help in days,
Avoided my chemical necessities.
I don’t want any repair, readjustments
Or the liberation of love and romance.
The only thoughts running through my head
Are jumbled and insane,
As I rack my brain for a new wish,
But I realize I am too late;
It is now 11:12, and slowly I remember
I just made the same wish as before.

One finger is all it takes
To shoot a gun, loaded
With the tiniest bullet in the world.
The kind of ammunition that kills –
Slowly.
It latches onto your skin,
Seeping in, unseen and invisible
Spreading to your bones, your veins
Diffusing into your bloodstream,
Undetected until the blood pours out.

I’m staring directly into the barrel,
At the point where I see nothing
And though I can’t see inside,
I can see into the future.
Where I can see that a single finger –
Even the smallest one –
Is strong enough to pull the trigger.
The gun is cocked, ready to be shot
And the one thing that is holding it back
Is a mystery.

You don’t know what you have until it’s gone
The things we take for granted
Forget to be thankful for,
Even on the most thankful of holidays.

These things are lungs
Pulling life in, pushing death out –
Stretching
Constricting
Diffusing
Incomprehensible

Two porous sacs so seemingly simple
Yet so complex, so undeniably fragile
Connected only by a string
Easily snipped like a thread of hair.

Two vital organs so seemingly complex
Yet so simple, so surmountable
A few puffs, one burst
And suddenly defunct forever.

Like a springtime blossom
Lungs are Her Romeo and Juliet
Growing
Flowering
Collapsing
Forsaken

Come winter, the leaves will fall
Barren branches remain
Bereft of in and outs
Leaving only a cavity in the chest.

Nervousness sets in
As I await the news
And doctors disagree
About their medical muse.

Confusion swarms high
As answers are not clear
And possibilities come to my mind
Cancer and tumors, the greatest fear.

Anxiety bubbles up
As the next appointment comes
And I don’t know what I want;
My thoughts are going numb.

Sometimes I think the possibilities of health are shrinking
And then I realize… that’s just wishful thinking.

when will it be my turn
to live without concern
i'm tired
exhausted of staring at the bright blue
lifeline
strung down my left arm

when will it begin
my smile natural
i’m tired
engaged in the depths of my mind
failures
are evident on my skin

Your words hit me like a catastrophe of nature
Swallowing me in like a deadly tidal wave
Washing up every ******* feeling in my body
And breaking every source of support within me.
They come at me like a raging fire
Destroying my lungs as they turn to flames
Making me forget how to breathe
Any time I think of your name.
Your words are a black hole
******* me in until there is nothing left
Leaving no evidence of our existence
And burning out every light in my eyes.
They shake me like a magnitude ten earthquake
Ripping my heart to shards
The ultimate source of destruction
For anything thought to be sure.

I often sit on my soft, white carpet
Staring

At the blank wall in front of me.

It is blank, but that wall is not empty -

Full of my secrets and smothered by my cries,
It knows me better than I know myself.



At night I lie in my nice, warm bed

Staring

At the blank ceiling above me

Its white paint is darkened – 

The switch flipped to off means it’s time

For my disguise to turn off as well.



In the morning when I wake, I find myself

Staring 

At the blank walls of my room.
The walls are simply walls –
Unchangeable,
impenetrable and menacing.

I think they closed in a little overnight.

Don’t you dare take pity on me.
I am what I am,
And I am because of myself.
My choices, my actions, my feelings, me.
I am not your responsibility
I don’t need you to fix me
I don’t want you to repair all of my tendons,
Replace all of my broken bones,
Stitch up all of my scars.
The joke’s on you, boy,
Because you can’t anyway,
And you’ll never be able to.
I don’t need you to protect me
I don’t want you to comfort me
All I want is for you to tell me the truth –
Is that really so much to ask?
Give me one simple answer,
Make yourself transparent for one ******* second.
Explain one feeling, recite one moment –
Anything with me that wasn’t a lie.
I opened up to you, told you things from the depths of my fears,
And you destroyed me.
So go take your dismal pity,
And save it for your own poems.
I don’t even think I want you to love me anymore.

But I need you to.

How could
shiny silver studs
forced through my skin
make me feel so good?
“The power of rebellion,”
I’ve read,
can overthrow a government,
but more importantly
can overthrow one’s mind.
Am I going crazy
over the need to rebel?
I have nothing to rebel against
but I feel like I’m
breaking boundaries
guarding nothing
but my own insecurity.
So maybe
shiny silver studs
forced through my skin
pierce my heart as well
letting free all the demons
I’m keeping locked
inside.

I can’t think of a time
when you
weren’t there
but now
you’re gone
and i don’t know how to
get you
out of
my mind.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
They both die in the end.

The secrets you keep **** me inside
Every little word you spoke was a lie.
You took the most precious key that I had
And used it for nothing but grief and passion gone mad.
A robber, a murderer, a liar you are
Making me hate every last breath that you draw.
I hate how I love the feeling of your skin
But you’re a conniving cheater, man’s biggest sin.
You took a love given only once every life
Now filling my heart and my body with strife.
Deep feelings of anger and sorrow now abide
In the corners and crevices hidden in my mind.
What to do, what to think, even what to feel
Are wonders unknown to this broken down peel.