Of all the things in this world
that I wanted so badly at any moment in time
I want so bad to crush you
To let your veins be exposed to  light
I want to watch your oxygen filled liquids
Pour out from underneath my hands
I want to watch you falling
I want to see your bones crushed into tiny sand
Your soul will bare no witness
Your lungs will breathe no air
I want to watch you struggle
I wish that I could care,
Of all of the things in this world
that I wanted so badly at any moment in time
I want to watch you suffer
I want to see you cry

Why would you turn and run
A million miles away from the sun
Taking off, with the perfect blast?
But I am not curious of the past
You say you're lost and confused
And I only want to see what you can do
I never asked for me and you
Your words just flow so perfectly.

Sorry if you didn't want me to peer,
But everything about you is so unclear

And I'm always up for mystery

So tell me darling dear,
What is it that you fear?
Your front just seems so strong,
and I am willing to play along.

I understand that you are strapped,
between all of your dirt and trash,
But if only for a moment,
I could make you smile and own it,
It would be so perfect.
(But something tells me it isn't worth it.)

I see you in so many different ways,
But most of your faces are just a haze.
And you have me in a daze,
And maybe it's just a phase,
But you have me amazed.

But please darling dear,
don't let my words go to your head,
because right now I'm just observing,
and not everything has been said.

But it holds to be true,
I am really curious about you.

Studdering, stammering, but still softly laughing,
My mouth cannot formulate the correct feelings
Or even the right idea
Of the things I want to tell you,
and the things I want to hear.

I'm sorry my voice lacks such confidence,
I just never really felt like this,
What a blabbering fool I must seem to be.

Not only because of you and me,
but you see--
My heart governs my mind
and at the right times,
I can't seem to produce any sort of sentence,
I can't seem to shake that sickness.

I'm sorry if I seemed so brash,
When I came to you the night after last...
It wasn't my intentions and now you play your defenses,

All I really want is a smile,
and to feel like it's worth my while.
I hope that isn't too much to ask,
but given the past...

I understand that your wings feel clipped,
I understand that you're probably scared shitless.

I've seen your wall, and I've stood at the gate,
wondering when it will finally break.
For now, I'll just sit here patiently;
Holding my breath almost effortlessly
Because I have no idea what I want right now, honestly.
(I'm just not into playing games)

But if you lean in close enough, I'm sure you will see
I still get nervous when your name flashes on my screen,
Sometimes I still get butterflies, and you leave me weak at the knees.
And I know that's a lot to muster,
but I also know I've got a lot to break,
and I am keeping that part of me hidden and sealed,
while giving you blind faith.

But I know that I am not ready,
to put my guard down at your feet,
I still draw my daggers,
at the first sign of defeat.

There's still a vice-gripped cage,
in between my ribs,
and pardon me for seeming indecisive,
But I, myself, still can't allow anyone in.

I need some affirmation, that you aren't going anywhere.
I really need to feel like you do, honestly, care.
Just remember that I'm just as nervous, and just as scared.
When it comes down to it-- I'm completely unprepared.

If the right words would just bounce,
Off the tip of my tongue,
I wouldn't be sitting here struggling,
Making an effort to avoid the wrong ones.

All I really want to say here,
is that you've made an impact on my life,
and hopefully someday we'll see each other,
In the perfect light.

Tell me all about it,
about the mess you made
while I gave in,
and caved.

Tell me about all the ****** up fun you're having
but I see your feet behind you, dragging
and you're staggering,
because the words you already said are creeping up on you.
You're acting like you don't know what to do,
and I'll save this bullet-hole for two,
when I watch this tumble just like the rest,
and I will catch the look on your face when the world says, "that's enough"

But is it ever enough?

I catch the phrases, the looks and the phases,
I catch the glimpse of you so often,
I catch my mind trapped
Almost where it's all eyes on me,
and you seem to believe,
that it's all over before it could ever begin,

and I'm wondering,
if maybe it's me that's struggling,
Hiding behind my crimson red curtain,
Shielded and sitting behind the storm
Watching the audience gasp as you rip yourself in two

What should I do?

My soles have lost the strength
and my heart has lost all faith,
But here I am standing,
Intact,
Disorganized,
and steaming.
And I can feel your silent screaming,
It's tearing you in two.

And as I pull back that trigger,
I'll watch your eyes get bigger,
Just promise me you won't leave,
When things start to become hazy,
Because life just gets so crazy,
and it's never enough to ask you,
It's never enough to wonder,
It's never enough to worry,
It's never enough to see me.

This bullet-hole for two,
Reeks of me and you,
and I'm standing confused, as usual,
Wrapped around my own dreams,
and plotting my own schemes gets tiring.
But I'm betting my two-cents that you'll stop your running and calm down,
before the storm comes to take you out to sea,
breaking you, taking you,
and pulling you apart at your seams.

I remember the day we met,
The stinging sensation of butterflies creeping my bones.
And I remember the satisfaction I held in my hands
While we conversed and collided under the galaxies.
Nothing could brake or take the rush I felt,
as the acid slipped from the paper-- through my entirety and beyond.

The shallow waters we rowed in, ended up thrashing about
splintering and sinking, the very boat we'd created.
The water we tread here caused over-thinking,
and from there our potential had drown.

Nothing here could ever explain,
the way I felt when I heard you say,
"We just don't feel the same"

While the tune was perfectly set,
the timing was not it-- yet
and the things I said to you were real,
And we felt ourselves get higher.

As the music and movement began to blur,
The alcohol caused my words to slur,
Atop the hill, I wanted to reach... grab a hold of and squeeze,
But it was never enough to reach you.
I was never enough reason to change your mind.

Sensually and slowly,
soft lips kiss pointed hips,
in a perfect harmony of sweet thunderous bliss.

Heavy breathing pans the walls,
sweaty legs and sweaty palms

Trembling spines of arched backs,
Toes curled while lungs retract,
With ever so much passion,
Going through new motions in a gentle fashion.

Feeling takes over,
blood rushes to the head.
bodies clad in dew,
Cheeks flushed in bright red.

Rocking in a perfect motion,
Gasping for air at every chance,
Ending in lavish explosion
This is the lover's dance.

Necks kinked back,
Warmth beginning at the toes,
Heat and passion heightened
Bodies bare and raw -- exposed.

The strings attached to the walls,
the knots strung to each wrist,
Inside the mind's compond,
Lies unforgiving bliss.

The wondering eyes always follow,
actions more than words, and the curious one always falls,
into deeper water than she can swallow,

The pitch black room,
encased by four walls,
engulfs the sunlight
and banishes those who call.

Trapped inside the serene feeling,
of her private universe,
Lies inside the butterfly,
Given more than a curse.

She dreams bigger than this,
Bigger than what's to come,
but the beauty remains trapped,
in the dark with her guns.

Any knight in shining armor,
Who dares fighting his might,
May take down the bricks,
One stone at a time,

But-- If she dare try,
To loosen her wrists,
The strings will pull tighter,
and pain will inflict.

Privately hiding,
inside her scrambling mind,
The butterfly is trapped,
by the worst of it's kind.

The monster living inside,
of the butterfly's pure thoughts,
Only reeks havoc on those,
who dare to cross.

The walls only crumble,
for her to tirelessly build them up again,
because the sun doesn't shine,
On the butterfly's skin.

Strapped to the back,
of her tiny, private cell,
the monster rips apart her soul,
Causing the butterfly hell.

Someday she may fly,
Away from her private universe,
But for now she remains shackled,
By her own monstorous curse.

And even though I believe it,
Those words would never grace your ear
And even if I wanted it,
It's everything I fear.

If I could swear to you up and down,
by the moon and the stars and the sky
I would swear to you it's fake,
I've learned to hush those words with lullaby.

If I could keep denying it,
If only I could see beyond my eyes,
I still deny the mess I've made,
I would give you reasons for this lie.

If only I didn't just stand there,
Watching you slowly fade to black,
If only I could've stopped you,
Lepidoptera, I only want you back.

My dreams still keep you alive,
Full-bloom and full of force,
My concious mind couldn't fathom this,
And so you've gone without remorse.

I couldn't tell you what you wanted,
So you've gone and left me here,
Now I'm left with only your memory,
And that's everything I fear.

Open
as if it were the first time to open my eyes
Bounded
by a light that is too bright
Squinting
looking forward from the past
Speaking
"yes, but will this ever last?"
Shaking
so cold that I could see my breath
Walking
like a baby that took its first steps
Dreaming
of better days in places far away
Stories
untold and retold, mirrored and uncontrolled
Branches
crumbling atop the stratosphere,
Drifting
to a place far, far from here

As I lay me down to sleep,
I cross my fingers, I count some sheep

But wait,

The silence blankets the room,
And I can't seem to catch z's
I want to break free
This insomnia is killing me.

Days go by,
Nights unfulfilled,
Dreams are intangible,
Hours are killed.

Images paint my mind,
Of days where I could rest my head,
Of nights in warm weather,
Of stars and clouds and us being together.

Draped across my mattress,
I find comfort underneath my sheets,
I find solitude in knowing
They shield me from my defeats.

Dysfunction sets in,
Thirty-six hours of deprivation takes toll,
Why can't I beat this?
Where did I lose control?

Self-medicated and starving,
My body seeks relief,
In hopes that one day,
I may finally fall asleep.

Softly whispering nothings from each of his lips,
He promised he would cure the hurt,
And gave her his heart, which caused her alert.

In reply to his gift, the girl backed away,
"For no one has lived here,
Not even for a day,
No one can break this,
And that's why I can't stay"

He poured out 'I love you's
and wished for one kiss,
but the girl had already run,
leaving behind the bliss.

For years he tried to catch her,
Only to watch her scrape her knees,
If she only knew,
He held everything she needs.

For him to understand the feeling,
Of falling without falling at all,
is complicated and terrifying,
For running is what she knows, and it's all she can recall.

"Please don't mind me,
I'll be going on my way,
I know I will never see you,
Beyond the dreams I can't keep at bay."

He begged for her hand,
He promised the sky,
He wanted this girl,
She was the apple to his eye.

I cannot keep running,
I cannot keep fleeing from your face,
I cannot keep pretending,
I didn't want that place

She'll wish she wasn't suffering,
from missing out on what's real,
and he'll go on believing,
her heart will always be sealed.

"Hurt is all I can offer,
Because I live in great fear,
that someday we'll have wrecked our perfect paradise,
and someday we won't be able to heal."

She'll give an excuse for every attempt,
Of love he tried sheding,
From the deepest of depths.

She's sheilded herself,
Cold, bare, alone.
And the boy has stopped waiting,
For his heart to come home.

It seems so long since you've been gone
Although it hasn't even been a year
I hope your in a better place now,
but I need you so badly down here.

Things are changing so fast for me,
Everything can seem so unclear,
you always had the best advice Gramma,
you always filled my day with cheer.

I wish I could call you on the phone again,
and we could talk all morning long,
How I miss that laugh of yours,
How I miss your song.

I miss when we'd cuddle,
and rock on your comfy chair,
I miss my footy pajamas,
and watching with you, pooh bear.

I miss going to your house,
and running to you with all my might,
But I didn't know how sick you were,
I missed your entire fight.

I miss when you'd sit me down,
and put horrendous ribbons in my hair,
I miss everything about you,
I miss it all, I swear.

Where ever you are right now,
I hope you always knew
that this little girl loved her Gramma
and that this young woman will love her too.

I love you dearest Gramma,
and even though my life must go on,
just know down here we miss you,
I can't accept you being gone.

You tied me down, and slit my throat,
to see my veins and hear me choke.  

You blamed me for all of the problems you could no longer bare,
Long story short, I don't want to care.

My days and nights will continue to carry on,
and before you'll ever scream for me back,
I will already be gone.

Love doesn't live here,
It never lied in your bed.
It only consumed the weakness, we both harbored instead.

If doing wrong by me wasn't your intent,
then how am I drowning in your pool of regret?

I have become numb to your hurtful words,
and I am equipped for my own battle,
Daggers firmly placed at each side,
I'm ready for the banter.

My hands are now alone,
and this tale is becoming old.

Your gut is as weak as the knees,
of decapitated fleas,
and your soul is so mean,
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I fell, tired, on the ground,
Watching the sky,
Watching the birds,
envying their gift of flight.

The posies rounded out my face,
Dewy grass lined my back,
Silhouettes of dreams danced under each lid,
I dreamt of summer sunlight swallowing the black.

Dreams of things I couldn't fathom in the wakening world,
The words and phrases we once left unfinished,
Tarnished hearts we wore become polished,
And our anger and sorrow, diminished.

Worn out soles barely masking the holed out socks,
The tragic mess was wiped clean from muscle memory,
and has turned running into a slow walk.

Pure serenity at it's finest,
Inhale -- exhale, according to beat.
My sleepy eyes lost those stories
that led to our defeat.

Night fell quick,
But the demons stayed at bay.
I have finally found a place to rest my weary head,
I have finally found my stay.

Crusted dirt lingers beneath my nails,
Against its bed of cracked skin,
They tell of stories we never could have known,
Let alone,
Familiar faces and places keep my dreary eyes
and mind,
Behind my hidden wall,
Behind the one who's too scared to fall.

The paths have been taken,
And your breath is mistaken,
--You're worried,
and I'm scared,
Left shaking.

The stories old, it's hard to tell,
Too soon to gain composure,
Too soon to get up and leave my shell.

Once there were legs bound,
and once there was a smile,
Forced to give up the frown.

If you believe that I am complicated,
Then you must not know a thing at all,
For this could have waited,
And the storm could have killed us all.

Endlessly dreaming
Inferior to everyday thoughts,
Your silence is screaming,
Your voiceless soul,
carries your cross.

We'll begin to worry,
when your lips take shape,
of loud voices we know,
blinded by a world that hates.

Monstrous serenity,
The music floats off the tip of my tongue,
Between each ear,  almost effortlessly,
The tune twists and turns
(This song cannot be left unsung).

Faint whispers you once mouthed,
Between the cracks and folds of each ear,
Melodies I used to love,
Have morphed into troubling fear.

The murky pond that rests,
Where I stand ankle-deep,
Haunted times this night,
Memories, they seek.

I searched my soul to find you,
I gave my heart to discover,
I left my words up to the sky,
My head made me uncover,


YOU.

This disastrous scene,
You left me with,
Euphoria in Novocaine,
The disaster eating the vicinity.

And yet, I still yearn for you.

No longer can I continue to breathe,
hoping you'll pass my way,
For now my nail beds remain stained,
Like the mattress we shared that fateful day.

I want to crawl inside your ear,
To take a little peer,
I want to see what I can find,
Inside that beautiful mind.

I want to watch the way think,
To help myself to a little drink,
I want to take a sweet sample,
Of all the thoughts you trample.

I want to graze behind your eyes,
Just to see what you despise,
I want to dance along your dreams,
To see all of your schemes,

I want to crawl inside your ear,
I want to know exactly what it is you fear,
I want to see what I can find,
Inside that beautiful mind.

Oh no.

Here I go again
I don't know what it is,
and I sure as hell don't know where to begin.
And who would've thought
I would allow myself to fall in a pit so deep?
Who would've ever thought,
I would ever have allowed myself to consider that leap?

Foolish, foolish, foolish girl.
So silly to ever believe
That you and I could ever be,
But that's what foolish, silly girls get,
For wearing their gold hearts on their sleeve.

But wait,
I am confused.

What is my next move?
And what have you got to prove?

Sometimes I find myself,
frolicking in my own day dreams,
and I don't know what it is,
but I know it isn't what it seems.

Is it all that I wanted?
What about you is so surreal?
I'm trapped between conversations,
and I know this isn't what I feel.  


I feel so...

odd.

Peculiar.
Out of breath.

Tearing apart my mind -- chasing something,
but I don't understand what it is you left.

This isn't like myself,
to dream of such a sudden death.

Round one and I'm winning,
Round two and you take the lead,
Round three is what I'm hoping for,

Round three is what I need.

Aimless, curious, content,
The things that flutter about my mind,
I know my words don't always make sense,
But I am stuck in a giant bind.

Please don't mistake me for thinking,
anything is more than what it is,
Repeated words and phrases,
Repeated stories and repeated praises,

I am so lost,
And so keen on knowing why our paths have crossed.

Am I making this up?
Am I really dreaming this dream?
Wake me up please.

It's five AM and
**I'm sinking.

Melodies and tangents could not contain,
The drips and draws of which pertain,
Sweet dreams have graced the horizon skies,
Turned trouble behind, creating soft lullabies.

Hills of words and undone verbs,
Graze the tips and hips of birds.

To the Universe it seems -- minuscule.
To put the phrases in their proper places,
and to find light where dark has surpassed.

this
           is
                  all
                         a
                                      blur
                                                  to
                                                               me.

To which eyes acquire my light,
To see the soul and flesh ignite.
(whilst he'll softly whisper "I thought about you all night")

--