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 Apr 2015 Jessica M
Mara Siegel
5 days of bruises are built up and browning
on my notably translucent skin; i wear low-cut shirts to show them off.
there's no sorrow in my voice when i talk about your
astral body running astray across my rotting bones; i finally feel small.
601 days lost to bicycle handles and bloating bellies full of fear and sometimes cake; i don't remember before.
before, i'd get picked up and ****** up, an ultimatum in an altima; i thought it wouldn't end.
at 8 am i talked about the boy whose knowledge was so vast it overwhelmed him and took him across highways, barefoot, and out of my life; i forgive but only in abstract.
in progress
 Oct 2014 Jessica M
Mara Siegel
i am grateful for waterproof mascara;
and that i didn't let myself be stopped by the cold weather when i
decided to leave.
i am grateful that i have begun to forget your
teeth and started dreaming about
new grins.
 Sep 2014 Jessica M
Mara Siegel
with you again.
but, when i left you,
i felt everything (and nothing) all at once
and now i
can't
       stop
             touching you
whenever i get the chance and kissing you passionately (something i forgot about) and crying at the thought of you touching other girls.
i never thought i'd feel in love with you again
but i do
and i am
and i can't believe it's over.
 Jun 2014 Jessica M
Mara Siegel
our friendship was built on
broadripple and chicken wire
            stained clothing and bruised legs,
and i'm so sorry for that girl
who ruined your innocence
and for how i stood by because mine was already gone
and for how sometimes i raised my voice
and couldn't contain my sighs.

i'm sorry that things weren't always good or great or even okay
and that sometimes getting out of bed was hard
and that 
sometimes
                   nothing felt right.

and i'm so glad whenever you smile
hi Jessie I love you.
this gnawing
under my skin
to spend $400
on a one way
is driving me
nuts.
this morning
i tasted
purple and white
as the sun rose
and i watched
a coworker
pour 4
sugar packets
into their coffee
by 11 my veins were pumping
yellow
and black
i was buzzing
i was electric
driving home
at 90 miles
fueling flames
and taking names

by 3 my breath
stood idle
in red
dancing around the
start
waiting
waiting
and then by 4 my eyes
turned green
in pure bliss
bending
twirling
kissing
then with your
face to her ear


by 8
i dove into blue
i dove into black
when I remembered
sometimes I feel
there aren't any bridges here
for this gap

by ten
I turned off the lights
and sat
with the wings
you gave me
in my hand.
i've been incredibly manic depressive lately. i tend to invalidate my emotions when i know that i'm thinking purely with my emotional mind so i'm trying to just put them out here to validate them in my head and also give myself a chance to step back and look at them.
sometimes
i'm reminded
about the mineral
mounds within
my brain
and

sometimes
those reminders
are me running
off of the road
in hopes
to
die a
little bit
again.
 Jan 2014 Jessica M
Maddie Fay
you can tell by the way she swings her hips
and pulls your hair
and licks her lips
and whispers in your ear
that she's easy.

you'll know her by the short skirt
and the tight top
and the high heels,
by the butterfly tattoo on her lower back
and the drink in her hand.

if she carries condoms
or takes birth control,
if she can't say no,
if she takes no convincing,
you'll know.

she's the girl at the party who drinks the most
and laughs the loudest.
she's the one you discarded the first night you met her,
when she gave you
the only part of herself that you deemed worthwhile.

you'll figure her out
from the tar trails of mascara,
the untouched meal,
the word "worthless" carved into her thigh like a brand,
marking her flesh as property
to which you are entitled.

pay close attention to her need for validation.
a **** will have the audacity to seek your approval
just because she's been told all her life
that she is  nothing without your love.
she will measure her worth
in units of attractiveness
and desirability
because that is the only system she's ever been taught.

you'll know she's a **** when they find the defendant
not guilty,
and he arrives at the ten-year reunion in a limo.
you'll know she's a **** when she doesn't arrive
at all.

it's easy to spot a ****
in a society that teaches her that her lips are for kisses
and not battle cries,
that her hands are meant to be cradled in yours
and not ****** into the sky,
that her body is your wonderland
and not her home.

it's hard to miss a **** in a culture that paints women as ****** objects
while condemning any expression of female sexuality,
that glorifies the "good girl" who becomes whole
when the right man comes along
and stakes his claim.
the women you ****** in the lifetime before you met your wife
weren't marriage material;
you need a girl who's saved herself for you because
a girl who lets you **** her
crosses the threshold from ****** to ****
in a bizarre coming of age ritual in which your **** is so ******* important
that its temporary entrance to her body
renders her worthless.
you can tell she's a ****
because for her, there is no right answer.

you can find your **** at rallies
and in body-baring photographs,
alive in the anxious triumph
of finding something in herself that she can love,
of digging through a lifetime of rubble
and reclaiming small shards of forgiveness from the dirt.
her self-identified status
rips away your long-established privilege
of dictating who she can be
and defining her worth;
your resent her new autonomy.

you can march beside her,
or you can step aside.
she has stolen back her power.
she was made for revolution.
2014: 3
 Jan 2014 Jessica M
Maddie Fay
i tore down the blanket you had stapled to the wall
when i got too cold in the middle of the night.
you had put it there to block the light from the window,
but when morning sent sunshine streaming in,
you didn't seem to mind.

i was glad to wake up to the sun
because when she kissed my eyelids
and lifted me from sleep,
i realized that,
for the first time in a long time,
i was glad to wake up.
2014: 4
 Jan 2014 Jessica M
Maddie Fay
my desire to build a world
where every little girl knows she is good enough
is enough to overpower
my desire to be liked.
i am done making pleasant
my priority.
2014: 6
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