I am just a hole
I am a place where you take pleasure, but I can not
It’s not your fault
I taught myself this by learning from others
You are not allowed
You are weak
You are beneath me
You know nothing
You are nothing

I told myself not to fall. I told myself not to feel. But you asked for this. I knew what this was and you told me it wasn’t. You felt something. I know that you did. So I felt this too. But you didn’t feel this for me. And I let you in. I let you close. I let you take me somewhere that I’ve never been. And you dropped me. You let my heart ache for the last time. I’ll know better in the future. I won’t let them in. I promise .

I woke up this morning and I was thirty something and I was a waitress and I was a mother whose children are being raised by their grandparents.
I woke up this morning and I was an ex ***** who was trying to put her life back together and I was a high school dropout who got her GED but never did get that nursing degree that I've always promised myself I would have.
I woke up this morning and I was living in my sister's house that she so graciously offered me a room in but even after more than a year, it's never quite felt like home.
I woke up this morning and I wondered if I'll break down at work today or if the relationship that I'm in will finally be the one, the only, the last relationship I'll ever be in.
I woke up this morning and I wondered how much time I have left and why I wasted so much of my life wishing that I was dead.
I woke up this morning and I didn't want to hurt myself or anyone else.
I woke up this morning and I made plans and set goals for the day and for the week.
I woke up this morning and I got out of bed. I went to work, I socialized, I didn't crack, I didn't cry. I was normal today.
I woke up this morning.

Am I even here at all?
This place is empty like I don't exist.
Just a whisper on your lips
Or long ago a broken kiss
Am I no longer your muse?
Just a face
In just a crowd
In a just a town
That's been burned down to ashes.
Is my heart still beating?
Do your words bare meaning?
Oh, my dear, you've been misleading.
Are you still here?
You must be leaving.
Not believing that you were once
My one and only.
Now I'm left here cold and lonely.
Am I dying?
Broken hearted.
Love's departed.
No more blooming.
Tears are looming.
Now I'm fuming.
Get out of my head!

The empty maze inside this brain catches me and I fall short
Lost again and looking for something to make the day fade into dark
Can't keep this breath inside myself and there's no one left to share it with
I'll wander lonely streets and sleep on the steps of a sanctuary
Cold and close to defeat
These wheels keep turning and running me over
Flattening any hope of salvation
There's no safe place inside myself
No amount of change can erase the past
The memories flash and burn and repeat themselves
When the apathy wears off, panic sets in all over again
Vicious and never ending
******* life from vital parts
Until I collapse under the weight of my mistakes

Contemplating
*******
******* your mind and burning my soul
Deceiving eyes
Tantalizing kisses
Embraced by pasion
Wanting nothing more
Motionless bodies
Thoughtless heartache
Mind-numbing stupidity kills us all

I am naturally unaware of what is going on around me.
I stare thoughtlessly and dream in silence.
The lines becomes shapes and the shapes become characters who dance by the light of my eyes.
A tear falls and all of the colors melt together like the wax from a dripping candle;
And my liquid world rotates around a fiery sun and crashes into the moon.

I should cut out my tongue.
What's the use of these words if they fall on deaf ears?
But I know you still hear me
screaming through the darkness, " let me in"
I've become entangled in your ****** up fairy tale
Writhing and twisting just to get a little closer
But how did I get here?
I fell through your eyes like rabbit holes
And I ran so fast I lost myself
Searching for the parts that don't belong to me
That heart, that soul, but I had a look and I can't let go
I'm not scared... I'm in pain
But I'll try to be brave
I'll do the right thing
I'll walk away if you'll just let go
Just let me forget that I found you exposed
So willing to share the darkness
I vaguely remember the warning that you gave me
But you led me too deep and just left me there
I need you to find me and lead me back to sanity
Or stay with me so I'm not so alone

Your lips taste like an eternity of exquisite suffering. I'll bare that pain because I know that it brings with it the sultry beauty of your lovely soul. My lips no doubt taste like the regret of words that have for too long gone unspoken.

She'll be the girl who waited
Naked and alone in the cage that she's built to keep out wandering hearts
She'll never know what it is to be a human with a soul that is connected to another human soul
She'll let her fear consume her from the inside until there's nothing left but flesh and a blank stare
She'll **** and drink and run and write in an effort to forget
She'll sink and swallow and gasp for breath to fill an empty shell
She'll scratch and claw and devour innocent hearts
She'll burn for her sins in an everlasting hell
She'll embrace the darkness that she once kept hidden from herself
She'll let the shame and misery wash over her and become the monster that she was bred to be

I see the way things are.
I see the way things should be.
The distance between these points is vast and the journey is overwhelming.
We travel so far just to overcome our own personal demons.
The world as we know it is a demon in and of itself; a scary place when the lights are off.
But when we face things head on, we may find that we are stronger than we realize, that we are not alone, and that the fear we feel is a construct of our minds.

It's 2 AM. I'm staring at the ceiling. You're laying beside me, but we're worlds apart. I want to ask what you're thinking, but I'm afraid that I already know the answer. We both just need some sleep.
It's 3AM. I'm staring at the wall. The shadows haven't changed. You're right where I left you. And we're both lost somewhere inside of ourselves. If I could just reach out...but it feels so far.
It's 4AM. I'm staring at the back of my mind. I can't breathe. I need sleep. This body feels like a coffin...and this mind just won't stop spinning. I lost you somewhere in the night, but I'll find you in my dreams.

I see the beauty in the broken, but I can't seem to find the beauty in myself. I'm falling, crumbling, collapsing. It's painful. I'll never turn it off. I think I'm more afraid of being numb...of letting myself feel a hollow nothing, than to give in to my madness and let everything swallow me whole. We live. We die. We struggle in between. Seems fairly pointless. My own sense of happiness is always too short lived.

I could fall for you. Harder than I've ever fallen before. You know my heart. Its beat. You've timed it rhythmically. Like you know me. Like this is capable of being an epic love. But I fear that I don't deserve you. Your purity. But then again... **** it. This is what I want. What I need. Ride or die.
To the very end. I want that one person...to be MY PERSON. The one person that I can rely upon. The one person who
relies on me...without taking advantage of my kindness. I want YOU to be that person. I'll be your revolutionary woman. I'll be everything you need. Just show me how to get to where you are. Your spiritual enlightenment is what I wish to achieve.  It's all I've ever wanted in my life. Just be who you are...and let me be a part of that. And let me love every fiber of your being. Together...we are stronger than the sum of our parts.

When the reality of everything hits me, I fear the weight of my thoughts, my words, my actions and inaction will crush me. It's getting hard to breathe so I'll let the world disappear and just say goodnight. I'll sleep without dreams and hide from the light. When faced with oblivion, am I strong enough to fight? Can I steady my voice and stop the choas in my mind? If I can't keep the pace, will I be left behind? When I speak, it may fall on deaf ears. I only hope that those who listen will actually hear.

I'm still learning how to be human. Some days I fail horribly. Some days I feel nothing. There is a terrible emptiness that threatens to swallow me whole. The darkness is like a cancer that grows inside of me; consuming my Humanity. I see hatred, ugliness, and ignorance everywhere and I just want to watch the world burn down around me. We can start all over and build our future with the working parts of our broken existence.

I write in pencil because my words don't deserve eternity. They'll fade eventually just like me. And when we all float off into an everlasting darkness, it'll be as though we never existed. Even our ideas get twisted. Our conscious minds always rationalizing. Power and greed are tantalizing. Even the purest hearts can be swayed. Deep down we all want to get paid. Money and accolades; keep feeding my ego. Temptation follows wherever we go. Vanity will be the death of me.