The twenty-one gun jury’s been hung,
my assumed  verdict, overthrown.
Acquitted by the left hand,
condemned by the right,
a last request—
Think not of me as an aberration,
although perhaps I am,
Do not know where I shall go
nor care if there is anything after.
let me be absolved --
For all that remains is the weight
of thought that rages through me,
the rapid pendulum.

I am not innocent.
There is no recourse.  
In this solitude, the only existence is
being alone and depressed
and the tearing of my skin

Sweet Steel, slip silently in.

according to my mother happiness was a choice
religion country then family a fortress
and why was I so sad and cold
According to daddy at least
I wasn’t in Karachi where rats and corpses littered the streets
jesus bled a ******* lot in the streets of another city
and was my redemption
but how was he different from
another corpse?
how was
his blood and dissolution
different,
besides a better eulogizer?
He seemed to me
simply a man
a philosopher betrayed
by supposed friends
I did not find redemption in confirmation
of the knowledge of gold rimmed pages
and biased text.
Where I found divinity
was in the flesh and blood arms
of people that I vaguely knew
they held me together
while biochemicals
tore me apart from my moorings
and there were no lies
about salvation through death
they said only,
once you go,
you can’t come back.