What is it that compels me?
That drives me? That inspires me?
Against all logic and better judgment,
I am drawn to you like the water is to the moon.

It is as if im being pulled from my center,
Something deep in my chest guides me,
I'm watching myself from the outside,
Begging myself to stop, and knowing I cant.

I wear movies on my eyes,
Seeing memories non existent,
Feeling feelings a writer has written,
I have formed a world vaguely connected to this one.

I feel a little more courageous,
The feeling of restraint is being restrained,
My words form white translucent clouds.

I only remember what seemed to be seconds,
Clips in the short film "Jesse Salgado",
Directed by Dack Janiels.

It is as if my body is enclosed in pillows,
No matter how hard I try to walk fast,
My legs wont allow it.

Slowly my eyes open,
I'm curled in the fetal position,
Im comfortably spinning, comfortably immobile.

The brights seem a little more brighter now,
and this mosaic is only fit to tease me.
Or is it telling me to look forward?

There are so many of you,
Floating, Flying,
You are painting the invisible wind white.

You are gentle but harsh,
The way you touch my skin,
Tt reminds me of something old.

My heart is jumping a little,
My finger tips numb,
Tis the season.

If there was no right or wrong way,
my house would crumble,
or better yet it would cease to exist.
who created this list of do's and don'ts?
these boxes that tell me I'm this or not that,
Why does that girl need to be an "Artsy Girl"?
I think the answer to the questions being rased is ,
there is no answer.

I suppose for now this is how i will write to you,
to say the things i wish you were face to face to hear,
to list just what i loved about you,
and to be done with this once and for all.

I will admit I was out of my league.
So delicate was every word that passed through your lips,
so fragile was your inexperienced body.
A world of stars and memories, of laughing and crying,
collapses inward.

I will admit this is embarrassing.
I've contended with myself to forget your blue eyes,
To not sneak around the parking lot of your hotel,
If only each Chevy Malibu that caught my eye
were carrying you back to me.

I will admit I am sometimes jealous.
To see you with someone who cant love you like I do,
Why does such a shabby impersonator get to hold your hand,
When true authentic love is only finger lengths away.
******* the day I let you drive off with my heart.

I will admit sometimes I am scared.
What if I  never find someone who understands me like you did?
What if you never understood me at all?
Does our love end up like those in the movies?
Destined to reunite after a life of lessons, or not at all.

I will admit sometimes I don't understand you.
Someone filled with such potential, squandering life away
Behind a desk unhappily, waiting for an answer that never comes.
If only I could save you from the tyrannous claws of indecisiveness.
If only you would give me a real chance.

I will admit I was overbearing.
Using any chance I could get I traded action for words,
Clawing at any chance I had to keep you in my nest.
I wasn't as ready as I thought, I wasn't as confident as I thought,
I was small.

I must admit I hold regret.
we have become reluctant friends,
life happens and there is never a chance to go in reverse.
Everything is for learning,
Everything is made to let go.

I have this indisposition you see,
a hunger.
One that is never satisfied.

I try so hard to hold my tongue,
But I watch as every word escapes me.
So clever and cunning a tool.

It is as if, just for a moment,
This entity takes form,
Its reach, weaving through
The deep tissues of my brain.

My body reacts.

Why? What is the point?
This incessant need to be vindicated.
It sickens me to think about it.

Life lessons are stockpiled in my pantry,
I think of them as I look out of my front window.
The sweet smell of tabacco lifts from my pipe,
reminding me of times of naivety.

Laughter, my only defense from most of the deeds I committed.
It comforts me to know that even in my youth,
I knew I would laugh at myself for things I've done
Oh to be blinded by young love.

The strip of grey in my beard excites me,
They say with age comes wisdom,
I would venture to say not all of the old are wise.
For with life comes wisdom, and too many watched it pass.

To be loved right,
I am most thankful for this,
In youth we tried so hard to love,
Neither of us knowing how, these things dont just come to you.
Pain always came of our scholastic journey.

I look forward to what lies ahead,
I have at least lived enough to know,
I never knew,
To accept that, was my greatest accomplishment.