Is this really what life is
a hard deceiving little place
full of pain and anguish.
In need of love mixed with Angel lace

Breaking down yet again
seeing illusions of a life deep within
Is happiness even real
or is something people want to steal.

I see happy people, but who knows their true thoughts
I see people with babies: like the two I lost
Like a snow storm late in spring
Life's a illusion, yet some people sing

Give me joy and i climb the highest peak
and though the climb will tire me: my voice will be anything, but weak
If your life is grand and happiness is what you know
Then share some advice: otherwise this life's got to go.

So today I'll do my same routine
and I'll consider that maybe I'm living a dream
Wait: nightmare may be best
Because everyday seems like a test

A test to breathe and a test to fail
A rocking ship, with no wind or sail
If you knew my life you would know
I feel nothing in this belligerent soul.

TO: Alyssa and Colson.

Wait for me babies wait for me there.
I'll see you before you know it, this Daddy swears.
Run and play and sing a song;
Take your great grandpa by the hand and lead him along.
Tell him i said "hi" and how grandma misses him so!!
for at times she wants to give in and just let go.
Go away from this place like your mom and me,
to see you turn, point at your wings and hear you say "look what i got daddy see?
Our hearts hurt my babies, but we will get through.
for nothing can stop us from heaven and seeing the two of you.

I know you will be waiting on us with arms open wide,
for Jesus will tell you when we are there and it's time to be let inside.
Until that glorious time comes believe me when i say
that i will count each day, each day, each day.

Words can't describe how i feel when i think of you there.
for jealousy may be best word for it for i wish i could share.
Find a tree, hide and let's play a game!
ask Jesus to find you and if he does whisper me your names.

You got took before we even saw your face
I'd love to hear what your called in that Amazing Grace.
Visit me in a dream if God allows it to be,
for i'd love to see your smiles', your eyes', you two in front of me.

One minute in a dream would bring so much joy to my heart,
but i would want to sleep forever so never would we part.
The day will come when forever is gonna go on by;
and together my babies we will lift our wings and fly.

So be patient and wait for me there
When you both left I felt my heart tear
Only you two have the pieces I lost
And to see you: I'd give anything, no matter the cost.

Notes:

' Bad month and day, Thinking of holding my Alyssa and my Colson. How beautiful I bet they are.

Fear was around me.

Staring through the cracks in the wall...
no one knows that I'm here...
lost track of days being alone...
caught in the grips of fear....
left my home to find my way...
captured and tortured,ransom to pay...
all my dreams are drifting away....
maybe I can see the sun again ; shining through me someday...
  
The vision slot which is my own...
opens briefly just at dawn...
angry eyes look inside...
making sure that I do abide...
all day long and night too...
I pray to God I'll see you...
I pray today although it seems in vain....
How long can I bear this mental strain?
  
Sleepless nights plague me..
My mind is restless and frightful ...
These wicked thoughts haunt my existence..
Will there be an end? Can I be forgiven?
Twisted and torn. I don't understand what I've become
Loved not by many, but by some..
  
Too long have I sat in the dark
All of  my fear playing my mind like a children's' park
Surrender now? Is that what  you believe?
No thanks it's not something I even conceive..

To (Elaine Massie).

There are times only when a Mother's love
Can understand our tears,
Can soothe our disappointments
And calm all our fears.
  
There are times when only a Mother's Love
Can share the joy we feel
When something we've dreamed about
Quite suddenly is real.
  
There are times when only a Mother's faith,
Can help us on life's way,
And inspire in us the confidence
we need from day to day.
  
For a Mother's heart and a Mother's faith.
And a Mother's steadfast love.
Were fashioned by the Angels.
And sent from God above.
  
Since the moment I entered this world,
You have cared for me like no other.
There is only one word to describe you,
That is in every way a perfect Mother.
  
When there's a cloud covering my path,
Or a problem I am about to face.
You'll be the one wipe away my tears,
And put everything back in its place.
  
Your warm touch is one of a kind,
So gentle to send me to sleep.
Your voice is one of an angels,
A beauty only heaven deserves to keep.
  
I love you mom you are my light' . When things are so dark, you shine so bright..

Notes:

A poem written to my mother, who has always been the one to raise me up.

When you're not here my heart aches like someone is inside me twisting it.
You are the reason I want to wake everyday, the only reason I want to thank God for everyday.
Twisting and aching
on the verge of breaking.
It seems like it's almost apart
Then I see you..WOW still a beating heart.
From the first cry, to your first smile
The memories I'll keep, so much more than awhile.
If you only knew the joy you give this dad,
You make me want to love, cry, hold, and not even be mad.
That's all I have when you're not around
Coming out on whoever I see wherever there is a sound.
I say your name and instantly I feel some  joy,
and you make it possible my wonderful little boy.
There is not many things I am proud of  with this life of mine,
but I know God loves me, because he gave me you.. you're my sign.
If ever a Father loved his son
but time went like I had seen you none.
That would be 'me' waiting to hold you again
So my heart can beat and love I can feel deep within.
Always will I be here for you and always will I long for you
And always will my heart beat true for everything you do.
You and only you seems to brighten my day,
and you and only you makes this life worth the stay.
Find your dream and take control,
Find true happiness: when you do, you feel it in your soul..

Notes:

My son who is my world.