I came to a conclusion,
that I am a pillow.
Something to keep warm
as you sleep through the night.
I won't be nothing more
and maybe something less.
It will not alter.
It will not change.
I am a pillow,
so you don't feel lonely.
To not feel that empty space beside you.
That void will be gone,
just for that night.
But, it will be back
for another round.
It will be nothing more
like the rest.  
I don't want to be your pillow,
just for that night.
I will not keep you warm.
i will not fill that empty space next you
as you fall into your nightly slumber,
It would always be,
nothing more;
though, always something less.

The winter air
surrounds me
chilling my bones,
making me shiver
down to the core.
Sitting on this hill
covered in snow.
I cant help but think
how beautiful the world
can be.
Peaceful,
no noise from civilization.
Just the swaying
of branches in
the wind.
The sun is falling,
the snow is glistening
silver streaks
across the hill
from small children
sledding down
the hill in the distance.
I started to hear
the faint echo
of laughter.
As it started to snow,
snowflakes hit my body.
Turning my dark clothing white,
and my nose red.
I stared up at the sky,
catching the snowflakes
on my tounge.
I layed down,
spread my arms outwide,
and my legs copied.
As the snow angel was
coming alive.
So was I.
Feeling like a child
once more,
embrassing the moment.
I will never experience this again.
Stoping mid angel,
still looking towards the sky.
I close my eyes and wonder,
Why is this snow different
than the snow from my past?
I never cared for it, always cold
and slippery.
But the sense I get from it now,
is beauty and peacefulness.
Soon the snow will melt,
though this feeling will stay
frozen in my heart.
I will always remember this day,
about how this
cold breeze kept my heart warm.

As I sit on my curb
smoking a menthol cigarette
I'm thinking of all things wrong with me
and the world.
Questions fill my mind.
Why is the world so cruel?
Why am I the person I am today?
Why do things have to go wrong?
Why cant I go one day without disapointing someone?
These questions will  never get answered.
I could do it myself,
just maybe I could.
But choose not to,
for the suspense of the lingering
questions excite me.
Taking another drag of my cigarette
one after another.
It slowly dies down,
these worries along with it.
Finally off my mind
until I revisit the same curb
and light up a new stoug.
Every thought about
the cruel world
and myself
rushes over me like a stampede
of horses.
Can I ever get a peaceful moment
with my cancer stick and myself?
But that's another question
that will never get answered,
along with the others.

To think of all the things that went wrong
is like thinking of all your regrets.
You think about the things you could of chose
to make it right in the end.
But it’s too late to change anything,
Its done and over with.
Stuck in the past of the unchangable.
Theres no such invention called the “time machine”
To go back and change your decisions.
You’re stuck with what you made.
Too late to turn back now.
Regrets begin with what you wanted at the time.
They will fade into the background,
if you learn to live with it.
But hang around your neck, until you let it sink
To the bottom of the ocean like lead.

My mind never felt so open.
Though, never so closed in my existence
of life.  So much things to write,
but no words that match with what I wanted to say.
Never quite blending the way I have it
in my head.  My thoughts thrashed against
these walls of a small apartment.
Everything making a sound as it hit the
four surrounding walls.  
The words collided as they try to find their spot in my sentences.
Crashing into each other causing mayhem but a certain beauty
at the the same time.
Discombobulated emotions try to make
its way from my heart to my mind. Causing the biggest clutter
that maybe I can't fix. Maybe, just maybe I can sort
it out.  As soon as I grabbed my filing folders to get started.
The walls began to rumble as it started breaking down around me.
Caving me in.
I closed my eyes tightly to welcome the dark,
to let it absorb everything in its vastness.
Swallowing me whole.
Eyes wide open, the room is back into one piece.
I wish I was lucky to say that my mind survived.
It's now a sloppy goop running out of my ears and
down to the floor where the rug is absorbing every last
bit of it.
Leaving my head hollow and as fragile as the china
that sits in your grandmothers cabinet.

My body is frozen
straight down to the core.
Climbing this waterfall,
it's mind releasing.
It clears my head from all thoughts that
linger.
It calms me down.
Its all that I needed.
All this madness clashing around
just vanishes,
like it was never even there
to begin with.
It follows this moving water
and further away from me.
All I can do is wave goodbye.
Letting it go into the wild.
Though, it will wait for me
to reach back to the bottom.
It will stick to a rock
and wait for me to return.
It will flood back over my head,
Into my thoughts.
It will be a deathly war inside my brain.
Crashing over me like this waterfall above my head.
It shall win,
swallowing me whole.

But, here I stand,
I've made it to the top.
As all my thoughts have made it
to the bottom awhile ago.
Awaiting for my arrival
back down the starting point.
Though, standing here looking out
into this world of beauty.
I did not want to think of those
thoughts and that rock.
A sense of peace
came tumbling around me.
Nothing felt wrong in the world.

Coming back down this mountain,
one by one they waited to re-entered their home.
It did not turn out to be war.
But just a tiny stand-still.
Some entered while
other were left there,
to be buried in the snow.
Never to return to taunt me again.
I'll take that,
I was not swallowed whole
but a little nimble was taken.
Happiness was in me,
and that's all that i wanted.
A peaceful mind.