It's never there when you seek it
It's always there when you're not
You miss it when you don't have it
When you have it
You don't know it
When you know it
You don't have it
It races around the track of your thoughts
The key winding it tight
Until the momentum runs out
You have overthought
It is the death of your clockwork mouse
Grinding to a halt
The gears scraping painfully
Staring at your dead keyboard
Your blank screen
Your blank mind
Sleeps

It used to be much easier to tell a story
Linear
A protagonist
An antagonist
A beginning and an end
Two hours
Back to reality
We began to tell our stories in triplicate
Two hours
Wait
Two hours
Wait
Two hours
Conclusion
Now it takes a lifetime to tell a story
Three hours
Wait
Three hours
Wait
Three more hours
Wait wait
Six or seven stretched across a decade
Everything is an epic now
Bright and loud and larger than life
Spinning them out with such carelessness
Undermining the meaning
Money in the pockets
When all I want is a warm quiet room
And a good book

Sometimes
When others try to improve on my mood
I
DON'T
WANT
TO
FEEL
BETTER

Window after window
People live
Like animals in a zoo
Each one in their own personal space
In disregard of all the others
Canned conversations
I look in each window
Trying to gather something I can use
A swatch of color
A gesture
A mannerism
A point of conversation
Constantly gathering data
Discarding ideas
Filing what is clever
Building an amalgam
The fluttering eyelashes
Soft, husky voice
Tall, straight posture
Graceful movement
All learned
Bought
Blended
I have built myself
From used parts

Tell me it isn't true
That there is a science to everything
In all things measurable
Please PLEASE don't let love be one of them
If love is quantified
Then we are chained to it
As the flame draws wax from wick
The end is in site
And we extinguish along with it

Let's take a moment
To think this over
Do we even know what we're feeling?
Or doing?
Are we just saying what we say
to make ourselves feel right about it?
The bad outweighs the good
We're trying
Trying
It's a noble effort
To make ourselves
Feel
Justified

How I feel
As it is understood to myself
I know
I find myself in a moment
That is all mine
No one else at this moment
Feels this
It is only I
No one else is seeing this
From my angle
No one else's heart is beating as mine is
Along with the sound of it
We may all feel a rush
But it is different for all of us
This is mine
I could take centuries to describe it to you
But it would NEVER be right
It will ALWAYS be mine