I hate sleep.
I hate dreaming.
I hate wanting things I shouldn't and I hate the word hate.

I hate sleeping and missing so much that goes on.
I hate dreaming and waking up in the same situation.
I hate wanting to sew my mouth shut and never speak again.

I hate hot summers and I hate damp springs.
I hate being nervous and I hate being unsure.
I hate the color yellow and I hate not crying when I need to.

I hate making decisions.
I hate white walls you can't paint.
I hate being alone and I hate having people know.

I hate that people don't know how great they are.
I hate that I miss my mom, even when she hates me.
I hate walking in the dark and I hate using an umbrella.

I hate hearing people sleep and I hate cold fries.
I hate falling asleep holding a pillow, wishing it was a person.
I hate the sound of chewing and the smell of melted ice-cream.

I hate the color my skin gets when I tan.
I hate not being able to help anyone, ever, at all.
I hate having to act like I know what I'm talking about.

I hate when there are people on my early morning walks.
I hate that my best friend is so much better than me and I don't want her to realize.
I hate how quiet the room gets when I walk in, because, what do you say to that weird kid?

I hate not writing stories and I hate not sharing them.
I hate that I hate so **** much and I hate that I write poetry.
I hate when my head itches and I hate when it doesn't rain for a long time.

I hate losing people.
I hate being left behind.
I hate that I deserve it, all the time.

I hate my inconsistent style and I hate rhyming.
I hate getting my nails painted and I hate wearing makeup.
I hate not being enough for anyone other than me and feeling like I owe them.

I hate being lost in a boring town.
I hate not having internet.
I hate me.

I say
No
Quite often to you.
No, you can't say things like that and expect it to not hurt.
No, you have to think before you act.
No, you don't do those things.
No, because I love you.
I love your voice.
The way you look right when you wake up and just as you fall asleep.
The things you say and the way you're important enough that it can cut me to ribbons.
Your skin.
I don't know.
Its not a ****** thing. I just need you, I love you and want to hold you
I can't explain.
So I say no.
No
I can't tell you that
Its not important
Why those scars look so new
Or that one word makes me start to sob
Or how my face is so bad at listening to my mind.
I love you.
So I'll say it again.
No.

Swallow, Swallow, Swallow
No breathing, no break.
Dissolve that red flag,
with another bottle of "identity"
Wear it in your veins,
Let it mingle with your skin.
Watch your charcoal-streaked cheeks
turn a blushing pink.

Assemble the smirk,
Release the laugh,
suppress the choke.
Cradle the sun,
before the eclipse
transforms you back,
to the girl i once knew

Remind me, please
Write me one more letter
One like letters 16 through 53
The golden ages
Write the last paragraph
Like you don’t want it to end
Squeeze out the lines
You were planning on holding back
Like you did
For those 37
Teach me how to fall asleep before midnight
Again
Teach me how to wake up without hangovers
How to wake up with ideas
Show me everything
Like our poetry collections
Volumes 1 through 3
When we alternated days
And submissions
For 188 straight days
Minus the 14 days
We wrote four-letter poems
Remind me, please
When the bar was a date
And 1.75 liters was a dinner party
Not a Tuesday
Make me pay you back
The $65.00 in make-up
That I used to paint
“You’re too beautiful for make-up”
On the bedroom wall
Make me buy your little brother beer
For painting over it
Put 7,640 new songs on my itunes
Because these 7,640 are played out
Make sure we see every movie
Nominated for best picture
Before your cheesy award show party
It’s up to ten now, you know
Stay with me
For nine more minutes
While I hit snooze
Awake and right at it
Like ’04
Baby snores and blanket wars
Like ’05
Up before the alarm
Like ’06
Or at least in my dreams
Like ’07
And ’08
Rub it in my face
For the umpteenth time
By taking extra good care of me
When I’m sick
Even though
I never get sick
Pose for me
While I paint
And stare
Like that one time
When you were feeling so brave
Let’s spend our last $8.00
On yellow tail
Our last $18.00
On Sebastiani
Our last $38
On Veuve Cliquot
Because every day is a celebration
*******
Let’s reminisce on the 414 times
Our bodies became one
And the 671 times
They were at least in the same bed
Inspire me
Call attention to my capabilities
And caution to my chaos
Instigate that ******* in me
That made a jealous appearance or two
At christmas parties and night clubs
Hum me all 162 times I teared up in ’06
At the exact same time
Like a drumline
Of being lost
Because baby i’m lost
Point me
Point me in the right direction
Send me on the right path
You know, the one with you at the end of it

Who do you think you are?
Waltzing across my heart?
Leaving your shoe prints all over it
The soles of your shoes leaving impressions on the red tenderness where love is kept
You tromp through the corridors of my heart
Your feet leaving a wake of addictive pain
I cannot live with out you burning your imprint upon my heart
But there is no living with it either
My heart yearns for your painful presence when you are gone
But it revolts against the idea of you prancing around inside the sacred walls while you are near
There is no secret key to my heart
No perfect sequence of steps to make me open up to the pain
I will forever and always be at war with you and your waltz.

I feel like my words alone are not enough
To change a mind
Change a heart
Fill someone with love.
I feel empty,
Like I'm going, going, gone.
Something's missing.
Until I find it,
I won't carry on.

I refuse to allow anything
To get the better of me.
I'm not afraid to face the truth
If it will set me free.

Though I'm young, I'm learning how to truly live
To look inside myself,
Inside my mind.
Times are changing,
And my heart keeps on breaking.
I know there's more to life than waiting.

I refuse to allow anything
To get the better of me.
I'm not afraid to face the truth
If it will set me free.

i am lost
at a loss
in loss
grieving true loss
there is nowhere for me to turn
for i know not where to look
to see
to reach
doubt clouds perspective
losing my grip on reality
there is no solidity
floating aimlessly through time and space
kinesthesia reversed
taking flight through negative space
to see me falling pains you
but honestly what can you do
who am i to you
i am friend
sister
daughter
lover
maybe someday mother
i am falling and there's nothing you can do
nothing you can do
nothing i can do
nothing you can do
nothing you can do
for i am you
and there is nothing i can do