Jenni

Jenni Aug 2017

Untitled

I can't help but feel like I am close to death
I can't help but feel like I'm wasting the life I have left

Jenni Nov 2017

it is 1 am
muffled yelling
punctuated
by a slamming door
children crying
a car driving away
give it two days
relive it again

maybe the makeups are sweet
but those happen behind closed doors
all I see
all I hear
is the venom thrown from a moving car

I often wonder if they thought their lives would be like this
when they were 16

Jenni Sep 2016

shoulders

I miss having shoulders
a right angle of skin and bone
nothing more
nothing less
I miss having shoulders
because it seems at some point I outgrew them
at some point my shoulders became an invitation
a ***** secret
a temptation
they teach us this in school
you can't show too much shoulder
lest some boy become too tempted
and I always scoffed at this
what is so ****** about a shoulder?
but then why is it that I feel so violated
when a man twice my size decides
this right angle of skin and bone
is his
to ******
roughly
as he whispers in my ear
why is it that I feel so defeated
when I yet again feel a man's hands on my body
uninvited
probing
trying to find something ******
about a right angle of skin and bone
why is it that even when I am fully clothed
men still feel entitled to touch me

I thought if I followed the two inch strap rule I was safe

Jenni Aug 2016

i wanna be good

my mother asked me what my radio show theme was this week
and I told her it was songs that I like to drive through the mountains to
she laughed at me
"how often do you drive through the mountains?"
"what an oddly specific theme"
she doesn't know that I spent an hour driving in circles last night at 1 am
because I wanted nothing more than to disappear
she doesn't know that every time I get in my car
the chances of me not coming back increase a little more

when I think about going to work
my lungs collapse
I think each time I cross that threshold
I lose a piece of myself
that I'll never get back
I long to work for a florist
because I think they must be gentle people
who understand that the world is a beautiful place
and I think I need that

my father took away my matches
so now all I have is a rubber band

I've hollowed myself out it seems
perhaps unintentionally
I feel at peace among the mountains
I'm okay with being a valley

someday the rains will fill me
and I won't be so empty anymore

Jenni Jul 2016

Untitled

I used to like to write
when I was feeling bad
because there was something inside me
that needed to get out
but what do you do
when there is nothing inside you
and that is why you are feeling bad

Jenni Jul 2016

Untitled

I've had trouble being myself lately
it's always like playing a role
that I haven't rehearsed enough for
who am I?
really?
I think I've been too occupied with trying not to mess up
that I never introduced myself
shouldn't it be natural?
being one's self?
it doesn't feel that way
I coast through most of life
on autopilot
but sometimes I wake up
and think
where the hell am I?
did I miss my exit?
isn't it so strange to be a person?
everyone I've ever met
has an image of who I am
isn't it strange to think that I exist?
I'm a character in other peoples' stories
how odd
I'm barely a character in my own
perhaps I should ask them something about me
do you know me?
could you tell me something about me?
I don't think we've been properly introduced
I never was good at meeting people

Jenni Jun 2016

Untitled.

Can I have one more kiss?*

He didn't wait for an answer
And when he pulled back
I felt a heaviness in my lungs
Breathless
Breathless
There was no rush of exhilaration
Just the sense that I could be drowning
I cried in the car on my way home
Wishing to expel the seas from my lungs
The saltwater drew paths down my cheeks
Onto my mouth
And though I thought that might cleanse them
I felt the whisper of another's lips on them
For the rest of the night

I smell salt whenever I think of you now